Cheaper By The Dozen

A/N: Thank you everyone for reviewing! As requested here is a brief age chart so that you don’t get lost with all these kids. Taking into consideration canon facts, that Hermione was born on September 1, 1979 and that Severus was born on January 9, 1958, they were married when she was not quite 21, in May of 2000. It is now the year 2027, and that makes Hermione not quite 48 because her birthday hasn’t come to pass and Severus 69. He looks young and healthy for his age. The children are as follows:

Ella 25
Tobias 22
Lucy 19
Laura 17
Contessa 14
Richard 12
Elyot 11
Emmaline 9
Edward 6
Sarah 5
Peter 3
Jordan 3

Hope that helps! Without further ado, here is the next chapter!


Candles lit the bathroom that was adjoined to Severus and Hermione’s bedroom early Friday evening. The antique tub was deep; the brass claw feet that held it up hardly noticing the two bodies or thousand bubbles that rested within. She slipped her hand down between them and stroked her nails over the tops of his thighs. “Mmm…” he moaned, closing his eyes, leaning back against the tub, his head resting on one of her bath pillows.

Hermione kissed his lips, tasting the sweetness of his tongue as she cupped her hand around his growing erection. “My knight in shining whatever,” she smirked and started to stroke him through the hot water. “Mmm, is that your sword or are you happy to see me?” The line was cliché, but she didn’t care, it turned her on and seemed to make him grow even harder in her palm.

“M’lady,” he groaned and put his hands on her hips, hoisting her up into his lap, catching a nipple between his lips and suckling her. Water sloshed over the edge of the tub and spilled on the floor making a little puddle of bubbles. “My beautiful princess…” he purred and released her nipple as she started to buck her hips against his erection, her hands snow sweeping over his chest.

“Take me, take me now, love, please,” she whimpered as his hands tightened on her hips, preparing to push her down on his member. “Oh, gods, yes!” she buried her head into his shoulder, his wet tresses assaulting her lips so that her cries could not be heard.

Whomp! Whomp! Whomp! The heavy pounding at the bathroom door startled them both. “Mum! I need to use the bathroom! I’ve got to take a shower before I go out and I still haven’t been able to brush my teeth!” Contessa shouted through the heavy oak before pounding her fist against the door again.

“I’m in the tub, Contessa, just use the hall bathroom!” Hermione shouted. Severus let his hands fall down into the water as she rested atop his member, fully sheathing him, but unmoving.

“Richard and Elyot have that hideous snake in the tub while they clean its cage!” she spat and then pounded her fists against the door. “Come on! I need to pee in peace without a venomous reptile watching me and I’m certainly not showering with it!” Her hand jiggled on the knob.

“Use the bloody bathroom in the basement!” Severus shouted and Hermione sighed, letting her head fall against his chest.

“Dad? Ugh! Gross!” she groaned and kicked at the door.

“Stop kicking the bloody door! Your mother and I need some alone time!”

“I’m not stupid, dad! I figured out what that meant when I was nine! For God sake nine months later Sarah was born! Can’t you two just not have sex? You’re old!”

“Contessa!” Hermione shouted.

“It’s gross! Old people having sex!” She pounded on the door. “And I could totally be making better use of that tub! Come on!”

“How do you think you came along?” Severus growled from the tub. He loved all his children dearly, but if ever there were a child in need of tough love and a good swift kick in the pants, Contessa was that child.

“Gross!” she cried. “Mum!”

“Oh bloody use the basement bathroom like your father said!”

“I can’t! Laura’s taking her Friday evening soak because she has no life!” Contessa whined. “I actually have a life and am being prevented from enjoying it because of a snake, my older sister, and my old parents who think sex for old people is a fun household practice!”

“Contessa Elizabeth Snape!” Severus shouted, but Hermione put her hand over his mouth.

“Just use the downstairs bathroom, I know it’s smaller, but it’ll have to do!”

“The twins are having their bath,” she said, stomping her foot. “Does no one in this house have consideration for me?”

“What?” Hermione shot up out of the water and nearly hit her head against the wall. “Who’s watching them?”

“Take a chill pill, mum, Ella’s with them.”

“Ella’s here?” Hermione cried slipping against the lip of the tub and sinking back onto Severus who gave out an ‘oof’ as she landed awkwardly over him. “Oh, goodness, why didn’t you tell me she was here? When did she get here?”

“I don’t know!” Contessa shouted. “Oh my God this is so unfair!” She pounded her fists against the door once more before stomping off down the hallway. Her footsteps echoed heavy on the steps as she trumped upstairs to her room; which was followed by a very loud door slam.

Severus sighed and closed his eyes. “Four and a half bathrooms and its still not enough.” He ran his fingers through her hair. “Love,” he sighed again. “Go on, go get dressed and run downstairs to see Ella.”

“I’m sorry, love.” She kissed his cheek.

“It’s alright, having our fourteen-year-old drama queen bang on the door has since then put me off…” he muttered and offered her his hand as she stepped out of the tub. “Rain check?”

“Of course, love. I’d have you now— nevermind.” She grabbed her robe off the back of the bedroom door. “I’m going downstairs to see Ella, and put the kids to bed. You should get ready for bed too, we’ve got a long day tomorrow.” Hermione blew him a kiss and slipped out of the bathroom into their bedroom.

Severus closed his eyes for a moment. “Fatherhood is hell,” he muttered aloud to no one in particular. As he stood from the tub, water dripping down his body, the bathroom door flew open and he nearly fell out of the tub trying to grab a towel. “Contessa I— oh.” He muttered.

“Sorry, dad,” Tobias said as he leaned over the sink and peered in the mirror. “Didn’t realize you were still in here. Saw mom leave, thought she was just bathing,” he said and picked up one of Hermione’s hair brushes from the counter by the sink and began running it through his hair.

“What are you doing?” Severus asked, pulling the towel right around him.

“Getting ready for a date.”

“No, what are you doing barging into my bathroom?”

“All the other ones are in use. You’d think that with four and a half bathrooms there’d be at least one free.” Tobias’ hair was nearly past his shoulders. He tugged it back into a ponytail at the base of his neck, securing it with a black elastic that blended right into his locks.

“You don’t live here.” Severus said, leaning over the edge of the tub to pull the drain.

“Yeah, well you wanted us all here for this thing tomorrow, so mum said it was ok to spend the night.” He splashed a handful of water on his face and then turned back to look at his father. “Do I look decent?”

“Why are you asking me?”

“Good question,” he said. Tobias picked up a bottle of cologne and dabbed some on his neck. It was a heady musk that Severus brewed himself in his potions lab. Checking his appearance one more time, he headed back through the door.

“Not so fast, who are you going out with?”

Tobias stopped in the doorway and turned to face his father. “One of Ginny Potter’s girls.” He shrugged his shoulders brushed the front of his pants off. The boy was wearing a pair of faded muggle jeans with rips in the knees and a black button down shirt with purple streaks threaded into the torso.

“You most certainly are not.” Severus crossed his arms over his chest. Ginny Potter, formerly Ginny Weasley, had been as prolific as her mother with seven of her own brats, only it was six girls and one boy, much to her husband’s chagrin.

“Look, if Tess can date Luna Longbottom’s oldest son, then I can go out on a date with one of Ginny Potter’s girls.”

“Contessa is most certainly not dating anyone, let alone that Brian Longbottom.”

“Yeah, try telling her that.” Tobias waved his hand in his father’s general direction and proceeded to leave the bathroom.

“Get back here, I’m not done with you!”

“Don’t live here!” he shouted and disappeared through his parent’s bedroom and into the corridor.

~*~

By the time Hermione had made it up to bed it was nearly half past 11. Severus had all but nodded off, but try as she might; Hermione was unsuccessful at slipping into bed without disturbing him. “I’m so sorry, love, I didn’t mean to wake you.” She kissed his cheek as he wrapped his arm around her. With a wave of her hand, she doused the lights and snuggled into bed beside him.

“Hermione,” he stroked his fingers through her hair, not feeling the strands of silver that mingled with her chocolate tresses. She did try so very hard to keep every single one of them hidden.

“Hmm?” Her voice was sleepy as she nestled her head against his chest, curling her body into his.

“Do you ever think that having so many children was a mistake?”

“What? Severus, no! Of course not.”

“I mean, do you ever feel like we’re in over our head?” His voice was starting to fill with sleep; his eyelids already weighted down and closed.

“Don’t you think it’s a little late for contemplating that?” she yawned and kissed his cheek. “Stop your nonsense, my love, get some sleep, we’ve got a long day ahead of us.”

“Mm,” he kissed her nose and slowly sleep over took him, though thoughts of his twelve children did not leave his mind.