Up the Duff

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It caused quite a stir when Harry Potter-Malfoy finally got around to levitating his phlegm filled bubble cage up to Hogwarts castle.

Minerva McGonagall had taken one look at the thing and wisely turned over care and handling of the beast to her potions professor, Severus Snape and Hagrid, the games keeper.

Snape had swooped into the room with black robes billowing. Hagrid had lumbered in behind him, grinning from ear to ear at the thought of a new beast to add to his menagerie of magical animals.

They had been met by a half dressed, Argus Filch clutching a seriously icky cat to his skinny chest and by a sticky Draco Malfoy-Potter and his slightly gooey husband, Harry.

Snape wrinkled his long nose as soon as he came into the room. “What is that smell?”

Harry, Draco and Filch all looked at each other. “Ummm sir… that would be us.” Draco said miserably.

Hagrid sniffed. “Smells like an unwarshed whore’s underpants.”

The three men nodded. It did indeed reek of sex and dirt and a strange animal musk. It hadn’t been bad at first, but as the slime dried the stench had gotten increasingly unpleasant.

“McGonagall wouldn’t let us shower until we talked to you.” Draco whined loudly. “She said she didn’t know what effects the gunk might have.”

Harry petted his odiferous mate. “Soon.” He promised.

“Easy for you to say Potter.” Draco pouted. “You didn’t get doused in the stuff like I did.”

“So Filch,” Hagrid said, straight faced as a monk, “ I ‘ear yer pussy got et.”

“Aye.” Filch replied just as seriously, “It were slimy and it stinks something awful. It got et but good.”

Standing beside Harry, Draco mumbled, “See.. that’s why I prefer dick.”

“Duff’s are extremely rare.” Snape mused as he looked the creature over. “This is the first time one has been spotted in the forbidden forest in over thirty years.”

Hagrid was gazing at the creature adoringly. “Aint it a beauty?” He said sincerely.

“Actually,” Draco said with a disgusted moue, “ it looks like a huge ball of snot and taste like an mucky arsehole.”

For some odd reason that statement made every one in the room turn and look at Harry. The savior of the wizarding world flushed red as a beet.

“Well…. Yes.” Snape drawled slowly, “be that as it may…. Duff’s are rare and protected magical beast.”

The potions master glared at Harry. “Just fortunate that you didn’t damage it with your bumbling Potter.”

Harry sputtered. “I-it tried to eat Draco!”

Snape’s black eyes turned back to his gummy godson. “That is also exceedingly strange,” he muttered, “Duff’s are not really known to be dangerous creatures. Though they have on occasion been known to attack cats…. and veela.”

“Aye.” Hagrid confirmed. “They are known pussy eaters.” The half giant eyed Draco speculatively. “Cant say as I ever 'eard o' one attackin a wizard or a vampire though.”

“Are cats and Veela related in some way Professor?” Harry wondered. “Why does it only attack them?”

“Well, not really.” Snape answered him. “Unless you count the facts that they both have fangs and claws.”

“And they’ll both rub up against anything when they’re horny.” Filch volunteered.

For some odd reason that statement made everyone in the room turn and look at Draco. It was the blonds turn to flush red. “Don’t look at me!” He snapped. “I only rub up against Harry!”

From inside its bubble cage the creature made a loud farting noise and leered at Draco.

“I think ‘e likes yer.” Hagrid grinned.

“Joy and huzzah.” Draco commented dryly.

“We must get some samples while we have it here.” Snape said, getting that gleam in his eye that was always present when he was discussing potions. “Capturing this beast could be a huge boon to the infertile couples of the wizarding world!”

Hagrid nodded. “Aye.”

Harry was now totally confused. How was a huge glob of goo going to help infertile couples?

Seeing the blank look on Harry’s face, Snape sighed. “Didn’t you ever pay attention in any of your classes Potter? -Malfoy.”

“Duff’s are practically walking fertility potions.” The greasy professor asserted. “The reason they are protected in the wizarding world is that they were almost hunted to the point of extinction by wizards and witch’s who were desperate to conceive a child.” Snape grimaced. “Just the touch of the creature is almost enough to ensure fertility in both males and females. Where do you think the expression “Up the Duff“ came from?”

“Never really thought about it.“ Harry glanced over at his sticky, stinky mate. “Good thing it wont work for two males though.” He grinned.

Snape was already writing down formula’s and preparing a jar to capture some slime. “What do you mean?” He said absently. “ Of course it would work for two males. I just told you this organism carries the most potent fertility enhancer on the planet.” The professor jotted down some numbers, ignoring how quiet it had suddenly gotten in the room. “Especially with the enormous dose that Draco received.”

If the Professor had bothered to look he would have seen two very wide eyed vampires staring back at him. “If I can only isolate the components.” He muttered.

Snape retrieved a vial and what looked like a spatula. “Of course,” He chuckled darkly, continuing their earlier conversation. “ That would only matter if you had had sex with each other immediately after Draco was coated in the creatures slime.” He snickered as he gathered his instruments. “Even an imbecile would know better than to mate with someone who had come into contact with an unknown monster.” Severus snorted at the thought. “No one could possibly be THAT stupid or horny enough to …..”

Snape’s head jerked up so fast it was a wonder he didn’t give himself whiplash.