So You're Dead.... Now what?

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Harry Potter sat on the hard couch in the living room of his Aunt Petunia Dursley, alongside his nervous looking cousin Dudley. There was a loud crash from upstairs and Dudley jumped as though he had been stung, but Harry just leaned back to relax a bit. It sounded like Draco was having fun.

“H-harry?” Dudley’s round face twisted in fear. “Is he going to kill my Mom and Dad?”

Harry hesitated before answering. Dudley might be his favorite Dursley but he still deserved to suffer a little. For a few moments the only sound in the house were the large boys gasping breaths and the muted whimpers that drifted in from the hallway.

“No Dudley.” Harry grudgingly admitted. “I told him he wasn’t allowed to kill them.”

Dudley let out a long sigh of relief.

There was another loud crash upstairs and then the sound of someone pounding up and down the stairs as hard as they possibly could. The whimpers grew into panicked screams as the foot treads crashed down on each individual step.

Harry grinned. “I know how that feels. You think the whole things going to collapse down on top of you.”

His cousin paled visibly at Harry’s words. “I’m so sorry Harry.” Dudley murmured.

Harry nodded. “I know you are Dud.” He said with a smile. “That’s the only reason that you’re not in there with them.”

The screams from the hallway grew louder as Draco continued to pounce on the stairs. Petunia and Vernon Dursley were not having a good night.

First they had been startled awake by two vampires with malevolent intentions in the middle of the night. Then they had found themselves rudely snatched out of bed, and dragged down stairs where the blond one had gleefully stuffed them both into the cupboard under the stairs without even a hint of mercy. As a matter of fact, the fiend had been cackling evilly the whole time as he forced two grown and in Vernon’s case corpulent people into a space that had barely been large enough to house a small eleven year old boy.

Harry smiled at his cousin. “You know Dud… I didn’t just come back here to settle things with your parents. I came back for you too.”

Dudley’s eyes grew huge, but then he ducked his head to hide his shame. “I know we deserve anything you do to us Harry.” He said, voice quivering.

Harry reached over and took the boys clammy hand in his. “No Dud.” He said. “I came back here to thank you. I know it was you Dudley.”

The chunky boy timidly raised his eyes. “What do you mean?”

Harry’s mind flashed back to the previous summer. That year he had been sure that the Dursley’s would finally succeed in starving him to death. By the second week of summer he had been so weak that he could hardly go. It had felt like a miracle the morning he woke up to find two candy bars that had been pushed through the small flap in his bedroom door.

He had eaten them so quickly that he almost made himself sick, but somehow managed to keep the treat down. He thanked whoever had left them profusely in his mind but had no idea of who it could be. It hadn’t taken him long to figure out who his mysterious benefactor was though. The next morning there were two more bars of sticky chocolate pushed inside his door along with a small carton of juice.

Two days later he heard Dudley tell his Aunt Petunia that he was taking some sandwiches to his room.
Harry had been allowed out long enough to cook the meal, but wasn’t allowed to eat any of it. He had been sitting alone in his room listening to his rumbling stomach when he saw a pudgy hand snake through the flap to offer a sandwich, which Harry had gratefully taken.

After that it seemed that Dudley smuggled him food whenever he could. Harry was not a naïve boy. Even though they had never spoken of it, he knew that the only reason he hadn’t starved to death that summer was sitting right in front of him.

“I know you were the one that brought me food Dudley.” Harry said softly. “You saved my life you know.”

Suddenly Dudley was crying and great fat drops ran down his face. “I just couldn’t stand it!” He cried, “How could they starve you like that? It was just so wrong!”

Harry stared into his cousins horrified face. Dudley had never had to miss a meal in his entire life. Was it really any wonder that the thought of someone starving disturbed him so much?

“I’m sorry Harry.” Dudley moaned miserably. “Not just for that but for everything.” He wiped at red swollen eyes.

“Its ok Dud.” Harry patted his hand soothingly. “I forgave you for everything a long time ago.”

Which was the truth. Harry had forgiven Dudley as soon as he had started to show he cared what happened to him. Luckily for Dudley.

Draco came waltzing back into the room with a huge smile on his face. “Well, I’ve pissed on their pillows and mattress, charmed huge spiders in all their shoes, jacked off in your dear Aunties face cream, broken every one of those hideous ceramic clowns that some tasteless moron was collecting. Shredded both their wardrobes. Spit on both their toothbrushes and bewitched, “Vernon loves cock” to permanently appear in every mirror throughout the house.”

Harry couldn’t help it. He was laughing so hard he fell off the couch and was rolling on the floor. Even Dudley’s lips seemed to twitch just a bit at the thought.


Finally Harry managed to bring himself under control. Dudley walked them to the door and the two cousins gave each other a big hug before Harry and Draco turned to leave.

Even Harry had to admit to being impressed a moment later as Draco stuck his hand out, and after only the slightest hesitation Dudley reached out and shook it.

“Take good care of Harry for me Draco.” Dudley said seriously.

Draco gave him a toothy smile. “Don’t worry about that Dudley. I promise Harry will be well cared for and Dud.” The blond paused for just a second. “I just want you to know that even though I blew my nose on the crotch of every pair of your parents underwear… I… well… Harry told me what you did and I think you’re alright Dudley.”

Hand in hand Harry and Draco left a bemused Dudley standing in the doorway, as the boy who lived left Privet Drive one last time.

“How long do you think it’ll be before he lets them out?” Draco wondered as they strolled down the walkway.

“Probably not long.” Harry snickered. “They are still his parents after all. I do know one thing though.”

“What?” Draco said curiously.

“They’re definitely going to need a shower after all the dust you knocked free stomping on those stairs.” Harry laughed.

“Hmmmmmm.” Said Draco thoughtfully.

Harry stopped dead in his tracks. “What does hmmmmm.. mean Draco?” He said, eyeing the blond warily,
“I said you couldn’t do anything that would kill them.”

“Relax Harry,” Draco grinned at him. “Its nothing like that. Its just…. well… apparently I forgot to mention that I also shit in their tub.”

The Savior of the Wizarding World stared at his former rival with his mouth hanging wide open. “Draco Malfoy” Harry Potter said, clearly awestruck. “Marry me.”