To Fear Love Is To Fear Life…

Chapter 3

‘If my death precedes the Dark Lord’s, then my work will have been in vain.’

In order to find Severus, Hermione would need to go directly to the source. She Apparated to the location of the Malfoy mansion, but it was not there. ‘Damn,’ she thought, ‘it was under the protection of a Secret Keeper.’


Having read Verboten Quests, she had spent a majority of the week just gathering ingredients, most of them illegal, and a week later the potion was finally brewed. She vigilantly practiced the spells she required to perform her first task.

Walking back to Severus’ Death Eater robes and not being able to bring herself to touch them, she stared at them. Her palms were sweating and her heart raced. There before her was every representation of death, hatred, viol acts…and after several minutes hesitantly she touched them. There were two different hooded cloaks. One was made of a material that gave the appearance of black leather, but was a light and versatile as silk and the other was made of wool. The robes that were worn under the cloak were made from lightweight black wool that was a higher quality than traditional dress robes. Then she spotted it, his silver mask. Her heart beat faster and with uncertainty she slowly touched it and then stroked it. Surprisingly it was warm to the touch but still it sent a chill of unspeakable evil through her body.

Not worrying if there was a difference in the appearance of a female Death Eater versus a male one, she transfigured his robes to fit her. In order for the potion to work, every stitch of clothing she wore had to be his, so she removed her underclothes, socks, shoes, and even the tie that was holding her hair back.

‘Can I do this?’ she asked herself. Forcing herself to take a deep breath, she told herself she had no choice – it was Severus who needed help. Placing the mask on her face, a single tear fell and she whispered, “Forgive me.”

Hermione placed the cauldron containing the potion on the floor before her and spent the next several hours carefully performing the needed spells that would allow her to be transport to the previous location the robes had been. She prayed it would take her to Voldemort. As she spoke the words, the potion began to bubble. The stench was unbearable, but she continued on. The thick, black liquid poured over the cauldron and slowly crept toward her as if it were alive. It oozed through her toes and crept onto her feet. Taking several deep breathes, she forced herself to continue. Beads of sweat formed on her brow and she began to gag, yet she carried on.

As the potion made its way to her clothing, it began to smoke and hiss. It slithered up further, soaking into every stitch, every crevice of her body. It moved along to her neck, her chin, her lips, and her nose and as her eyes began to water from the disgusting odor, all went black.

“…kill her…”

“…torture her…”

“…she may provide us with needed information…”

“…a Mudblood whore? Fucking is all she is good for…”

“…I’ll give you a sickle to fuck her mouth…”

The voices were coming from all directions, but she couldn’t move. She couldn’t speak.

“…she isn’t worthy of having my cock in her mouth, but perhaps her arse…”

She forced her eyes open and found herself lying on her back, surrounded by a circle of Death Eaters. The fear was evident in her eyes as the Death Eaters leaned in to get a better look at her. One stepped closer and began lifting his robes.

‘Oh gods,’ she screamed, but the words did not leave her mouth. Just as he began to kneel before her, another Death Eater slapped him on the back and hissed something.

The words, “My Lord,” were murmured among them as they each took their place in the circle and dropped to one knee. The Dark Lord made his way to the center of the circle to inspect the cause of his servants’ interest. “Rise,” he murmured to his Death Eaters.

He leaned over her and stared at her through his slitted, red eyes. His voice was dark and raspy. Raising his wand, he pointed it at Hermione, releasing her from the spell that had been placed on her. “Do you wish to grace us with your name before you die or do you want to take that secret to your grave?”

Hermione was consumed with more fear than she had ever experienced. Silently she cursed herself for being in this position, but nevertheless, she gathered her courage and sat up. With a determined look in her eyes, she looked directly at Voldemort. “I am Hermione Granger and I am here to seek revenge for my master.”

Voldemort smirked as he looked at his Death Eaters who roared with laughter. He then raised his hand for silence. “And who is your master?” Not having her cane, Hermione staggered to her feet, causing the laugh even more. Her legs were uneasy, but she managed to look him in the eye.

“Lord Severus Snape,” she answered.

“Aw yes,” said Voldemort, stepping closer to her. “Severus was my loyal servant, but he has deserted me in my time of need.”

“He did not desert you,” she snapped, “he was attacked by one of your Death Eaters, and left to die.” Hermione could only assume this is what occurred; at least she hoped that it would buy her some time or provide some answers to Severus’ ware about.

“How dare you assume one of my Death Eaters is responsible for Severus’ abandonment?” he hissed, moving even closer to her. Before she could react to his putrid breath, he was in her mind, reading her thoughts, her feelings, her memories…images from her life flashed through her mind, blinding her…the sorting hat, brewing Polyjuice potion, summer vacation at the Number Twelve Grimmauld, cheering on Harry during Quidditch, Dumbledore’s funeral, embracing Severus after a meeting, being attacked by Lucius’ Malfoy…Voldemort stayed with this memory and examined it more closely, causing Hermione to relive each and every excruciating detail.

Voldemort broke off his connection with her and turned quickly to Lucius. Glaring at him, he made connection and read Lucius’ mind. It took only seconds for this to occur.

“You saw her mark of ownership,” he hissed to Lucius as he moved closer to him. “What belongs to my Death Eaters belongs to me. You violated what is rightfully mine…” The Dark Lord then turned to Hermione, who had collapsed on to the ground. He slowly eyed her from head to toe and then turned back to Lucius. “…even if she is a filthy Mudblood.” Hermione was concentrating on controlling her emotions to pay much attention to the degrading comment.

“My Lord,” said Lucius, dropping down to his knees. “I…”

“Crucio!” cried Voldemort. Lucius fist clenched and his body convulsed as it curled into a fetus position until at last the curse was removed. “I suggest you choose your words wisely, Lucius otherwise one would think you take me for a fool.”

Lucius crawled back to his knees and murmured, “Forgive me, my Lord.”

Voldemort turned his attentions back to Hermione. “You serve Severus, but as I said, he no longer serves me.”

“He does serve you,” she snapped. Seeing Malfoy suffer for that short moment renewed her courage.

“Prove it,” he hissed. Hermione didn’t think. She just reacted.

“As you said yourself,” Hermione dropped to her knees and bowed before him. “What belongs to your Death Eaters belongs to you. In honor of my master, I am here to serve you until my master is returned.”

The Dark Lord eyed the small figure before him. He was well aware of her ties with Potter and the Order and contemplated the recompense of having her wear his mark.

“If this is true, then you are willing to take the Dark Mark for him.”

Without hesitation, Hermione stepped forward as she held out her left arm. Voldemort didn’t hesitate as he grabbed her wrist, watching her carefully for any hesitation. When he was satisfied that she was speaking the truth, he raised his wand to her left forearm and began to chant the incantation.

Hermione felt a searing pain shoot through her arm and spread through her body. She wanted to scream, but she forced herself not to. Instead she closed her eyes and concentrated her objective, but the pain was too strong to block out. Feeling her knees slam against the frozen ground she realized Voldemort had released her. Her legs had given out and a whimper escaped from her.

“Very good, Mudblood. You are brave, very brave. The next time I summon you, I will test your loyalties. In the mean time, you are to find Severus and return him to me to be punished.”

“I will find him, my Lord and he shall reveal the one responsible for his disappearance.” She looked at Lucius as she spoke her final words.

“I shall give Severus a chance to explain his absence before I kill you both.” With this he waved his wand and Hermione Disapparated back to the outer grounds of Hogwarts.

Once there, she collapsed on the ground and cried. ‘What have I done?’ she asked herself, rubbing her left forearm.

~*~*~*~*~

Hermione returned to Snape’s private chambers. Immediately she changed her clothes. She had to be free of what they represented. Seeing her reflection in the mirror, she caught sight of the Dark Mark and knew she would never truly be free. Taking her cane, she made her way to his bed, pulled out his journal and wrote down the events of the night. She expressed her fears and her reasons for doing this.

“…Severus has spent most of his life serving two masters and now he is missing…”

“…Voldemort believes him to be dead. Severus is alive and I shall find him…”

“…I will succeed…”

“…Severus will be given the respect he deserves…”

“…He deserves so much, but am I the one who can give it to him?”

In the mist of writing, she fell asleep, dreaming of the time she told Severus she had cleared his name…

Meanwhile, Severus focused his energies, along with his magic, and managed to produce water in a broken piece of porcelain that he could only assume was part of a dish or plate. Doing this every few days kept him alive over the weeks.

“Only a fool wears his heart on his sleeve…” he thought. “And this fool is now on the dirt floor, left to die at the hand of the man he loathes…” Severus sat up enough to sip the water. Leaning his back against the stone wall, he thought back to the night Hermione found him…soon he fell asleep, dreaming of the night she came back to him…

Severus was hidden beneath his robes in a store in Knockturn Alley acquiring ingredients for a potion the Dark Lord had requested. Most circumstances would allow for Severus to send Wormtail to obtain the ingredients, but for these particular ingredients Severus did not trust him.

He was moments from sealing a deal when in walked Hermione and he knew the Order was not far behind. He watched her slowly move across the row of illegally obtained claws, beaks and Phoenix feathers. His robes may have hidden his appearance, but his voice was his own, so he knew he had to leave immediately. He spoke in a low whisper, finalizing the deal. Pocketing his prize, he prepared to Disapparate, and just as he did, a hand took hold his arm.

As they appeared in his home, Hermione quickly sputtered, “Don’t be angry.” She then hid behind him while surveying her new surroundings. She was more worried about who was there as opposed to where they were. With her wand drawn, she prepared for the unexpected.

“We are alone,” he hissed, walking away from her. This was unexpected, as Hermione anticipated him to have a bit more of a harsh reaction to her Disapparating with him. It was foolish of her to do what she did. For all she knew, she could have ended up in a circle of Death Eaters and be killed, but she didn’t care…or at least she thought she didn’t care. She just needed Severus to know that she…the Order understood his actions.

She watched him remove his robes and hang them on the hook behind the door. He then went to a small table where several cauldrons had been placed. He took out his purchase and placed the contents in a jar of colored liquid.

Turning back toward her, he simply said, “How long do I have before the Order arrests me?”

Hermione was taken back by his words and his appearance. He was thinner than she had ever remembered him being. His skin was unhealthy, his hair long, yet still greasy and his eyes…his eyes lacked the luster he had always displayed when given the chance to demean a person.

“Professor, I am not here to have you arrested. I am here to bring you great news,” she beamed, moving toward him.

He looked at her and even now he had no desire to rid himself of her. It had been so long since he was able to look her in the eye and she was as beautiful as ever. Her eyes lit up with hope…the same hope he had when Albus was alive, but that hope was now gone. She had no idea what he was capable of or perhaps she did and yet she remained.

“The actions you took on the night Professor Dumbledore died were due to the Headmaster’s orders, sir.” He noticed the level of respect she maintained for him…she had always maintained respect for him. “I have thoroughly investigated the incident…” she continued on with Severus half listening. He was still trying to comprehend why she was here, in his house. He missed most of what she said, but his eyes followed her. “…and the Order of the Phoenix had granted you a full pardon. Here, sir.” She handed him a slip of paper. “Memorize it. It is the new location to the Order’s headquarters. Harry is the Secret Keeper.”

Severus looked down at the paper in her hand. ‘Hope,’ he told himself. The fight was gone in him. He looked into Hermione’s eyes…eyes that were full of hope. He cursed himself for what he did next. He took the paper and read the address. As soon as he did, it burst into flames. He was now back to having two masters…but who was the second?

“Sir, the Order awaits your arrival. You have been missed.”

Suddenly anger consumed him. His eyes narrowed to small slits and he made a sudden movement that caused her to step back. He then spat, “Is that all I am good for? Providing information from the Dark Lord?” Hermione jumped back at the tone of his voice and found herself backed against the wall.

“Of course not, sir,” she whispered. He glared at her. “Most of the Order wants to clear your name.” His glare intensified. “Well, not most of the Order…part of the Order…” His glare continued, making it clear he was not that gullible. “…okay, the Order sees you as a needed asset, except for me.” She swallowed a bit too loud as she found the floor more interesting.

“And what do you see me as?” he hissed, keeping the close distance between them.

“A trusted friend.” Stunned by her disclosure, Severus stepped back, allowing Hermione to move out from her confinement. “You are a trusted ally and it is the Order’s job to protect its members.” He turned toward her with a cocked eyebrow and she continued. “Clearly some judgment was passed when Professor Dumbledore died, but I have rectified that and the members all understand that the actions you took were under the direct order of the headmaster.”

“I have no intentions of returning,” he said and then returned to his table of cauldrons. He took out several ingredients and began preparing them.

“Sir, please understand…I am not offering you your old position with the Order, I am just asking you to return to the Order. I know that you are now fighting Voldemort alone. You don’t have to be alone.” Hermione knew she spoke too much, especially when she was desperate to prove a point. “Yes, I will admit Harry, Mad-Eye, and a few others see your return only as an asset to the Order because of your ties with Voldemort, but I explained to them…” Severus glanced at her. “…okay, I argued with them that you are a loyal member to the Order and that your return should be based on more than just your spying, but on your talents.”

“And their response was?”

Hermione looked at the ground. “They said your only talent is your spying, sir. I am sorry.” This revelation did not surprise Severus.

“How long did it take you to discover the truth in my actions?” he asked, adding the ingredients to the various cauldrons.

“Two days. I began as soon as summer vacation started.”

“How long did it take you to convince the Order?”

“One day.”

“And it has taken you over a year to tell me?” he hissed.

“With all due respect, sir, you are not the easiest man to locate. Do you have any idea how long I have staked out Knockturn Alley? Do you have any idea how much scum lives down their? I was propositioned with every turn I made, but I knew it was a matter of time before I found you.” He put down his knife and turned to her.

“And you risked yourself getting splinched…” he snapped.

“But you could have easily fixed that…” she said calmly.

“And I could have led you to the Dark Lord’s lair…”

“But you would have protected me…”

“And I could have killed you myself…”

“But you are not a killer…”

Her last words silenced them both. He turned back to his table, picked up his knife and concentrated on his slicing. Hermione remained where she was with her head down. She didn’t mean for those last words to come out.

Orders or not, it was a fact, he killed Dumbledore. No matter how many pardons he received, he would forever be known as the man who killed Albus Dumbledore.

Finally, she quietly asked, “Are you all right, sir?”

“I suggest you leave, Miss Granger.” His tone was difficult to read.

“His death took a toll on all of us, but I am sure it affected you the most.” He flinched a bit, but continued chopping. “Did you ever have a chance to mourn his death, sir? At least when you were with the Order, you were with people who fought the same cause, but now that you are alone…and to have lost such a trusted friend, I have been worried about you…”

Hermione looked up to see that his knife stopped moving. His shoulders were slump and his head tilted down low, slowly moving side to side.

“Why?” he whispered. “Why did you make me do it?”

“Sir?” she said, moving closer. She didn’t know who he was talking to.

“It was supposed to be me.” He looked straight ahead and with the knife in his hand he threw it. It landed dead center on a portrait of Albus Dumbledore, hitting him directly between the eyes. The photo was Muggle, therefore it did not move. Severus then yelled, “I was supposed to die, not you!”

Hermione ran to him and took his arm. He shoved her so hard that she fell onto the floor. He then turned to leave, but Hermione jumped to her feet and cut him off. Standing between him and the room he was trying to enter, she reached up and took his face in her hands.

Never had she used his given name. “Severus…” she whispered. He looked down at her and it was at that moment he was no longer in control of his emotions. Dropping to his knees, he cried for the first time for the lost of his friend and Hermione held him…

Hermione woke up to find herself crying in Severus’ bed. “Where are you, Severus?” she whispered, thinking about what she had done. Suddenly she sat up. “How stupid can I be?” She grabbed her cane, got out of bed and dressed in her own clothes. Quickly she left Hogwarts.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~

‘My one true friend…’ thought Severus when suddenly he was awoke with a kick to the face. He tasted the dirt mixed with his blood as he lay on the floor. His legs were still useless since they were healing in odd angles.

“You are so pathetic, Severus. Sending a Mudblood to do your bidding with the Dark Lord,” hissed Lucius, who kicked him in the back. “Your Mudblood caused me to endure a round of the Cruciatus. So…” Lucius stamped down hard on Severus thigh with his boot. “…consider this payback.” Severus screamed from the pain as his bones re-broke. Unable to move, he remained face down as Lucius left the room.

Severus prayed for death. He reached out to find the piece of broken porcelain. It was time to end it, but he could not find the strength to move his body. The only sound he heard was his own panting. Closing his eyes, he tried to recall what Lucius had said, “…your Mudblood caused me…Mudblood to do your bidding…”

‘It can’t be,’ he told himself. ‘Hermione is alive?’ It was his last thought before blacking out.

~TBC

AN: Thank you for all of the reviews. Sina, I was planning on emailing you, but AFF keeps your email hidden.

Hugs,
Corazon