What Might Be Done

Chapter 3: Bastard of Venus
In which our hero is propositioned by the Head of Gryffindor House and makes a decision.

That same wicked bastard of Venus that was begot of thought, conceived of spleen, and born of madness, that blind rascally boy that abuses every one\'s eyes
- Wm. Shakespeare: As You Like It


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Snape rested his forearm against Minerva\'s doorjamb and leaned in casually.

\"I should probably have my head examined, but I\'ve come for that drink.\"

McGonagall laughed and gestured Snape into her sitting room. \"Neat?\"

\"Of course.\"

\"Yes, there\'s no point in watering it down, is there? Take a seat, Severus, you\'re hovering. Can I offer you something else in addition? Are you hungry?\"

Snape\'s already sallow complexion took on a decidedly greenish hue. \"No, thank you. I\'m not up to eating just yet. Perhaps a bit later.\"

\"Can\'t eat but alcohol is no problem.\" McGonagall peered primly at Snape. \"You still look like hell.\"

\"Thank you.\"

\"Have you been crying?\"

\"Anyone with sensitivity would ignore my red-rimmed eyes.\"

\"What\'s the matter?\"

\"What\'s the matter? What\'s the matter?\" Snape\'s voice started to take on an hysterical tone. \"Today I spent thirty minutes with a dying old man. What do you think is the matter, you ridiculous bint?\"

\"Oh dear. I\'m sorry, Severus. I love him too.\"

Snape jerked his head in an abrupt nod and sank onto the settee, cradling his head in his hands.

\"What are we going to do, Minerva?\"

\"There\'s nothing we can do, except pray.\"

\"He says I\'m not to go back.\"

\"Thank God.\" Minerva sounded genuinely relieved.

\"I have to, of course.\"

\"Severus, why?\"

Snape told her about Voldemort\'s headaches and the potion he was trying to develop. \"If I could just concentrate!\"

\"You\'re only just out of the infirmary. Give yourself some latitude. These things take time.\"

\"Spare me. Time is the one thing we\'re fresh out of.\" He added, \"and hope,\" under his breath.

\"Why do you say that? What\'s happening?\"

\"Are you daft? Albus is dying, that\'s what\'s happening. Get a grip on yourself, old woman.\"

McGonagall peered irritably over her spectacles. \"I\'ve got a very good grip. Apparently the same cannot be said for you. I know he\'s dying. What I don\'t know is why you\'re so frantic about time all of a sudden.\"

\"If Albus dies before the Dark Lord . . .\"

\"Nothing about the prophecy will change. Harry will still have to defeat him. He won\'t be alone. The Order . . .\"

\"Damn the Order! We\'re nothing without Albus! Nothing!\"

Minerva picked up Snape\'s glass of whisky and thrust it into his hands. \"Drink up, Severus. We\'ve a whole bottle to get through.\"

Snape downed his drink in one long swallow and held his glass out for more. McGonagall poured him three fingers, which he downed as rapidly as before.

\"We may need another bottle. This one seems to be going down rather rapidly,\" McGonagall observed.

\"Shut up and drink. If I\'m going to get drunk, I want company.\"

\"By all means.\" Minerva downed her first drink in the same manner Snape had, and, pouring herself a second, downed it just as rapidly.

Snape laughed. \"You\'re a good friend, Minnie.\"

McGonagall snorted. \"I\'d hate to waste the bottle breaking it over your head, but don\'t think I won\'t, young man. My name is Minerva. You may call me Professor McGonagall.\"

Snape laughed again and held out his empty glass. \"More please, Professor.\"

\"I can see it\'s going to be a long night.\"

***

\"Your eyes are starting to look like two cherries in a bowl of milk.\"

Snape momentarily went cross-eyed, as if trying to see for himself. \"Well, at least mine are open. Yours are slitted like a cat\'s.\" He sighed.

\"Spit it out, Severus. Something\'s churning inside you.\"

Snape took a deep breath. \"Albus thinks I need to ally myself with someone when he\'s gone. Someone to protect me from the Ministry and everyone else. He thinks Potter should be my choice.\"

Minerva laughed. \"My, my. Isn\'t that convenient.\"

\"Shut it, you old bat.\"

\"Cat, Severus. If anyone here is a bat, it\'s you. The fourth years still take great pleasure in telling the first years that you are a vampire, and it still takes students three or four years to figure out the truth.\"

\"The students get more pathetic and idiotic every year.\"

\"You get more demanding and surly every year.\"

Snape snorted and didn\'t argue her point.

\"Did he actually say it should be Potter?\" Minerva asked.

\"When did he ever come right out and say anything? That man defines wheels within wheels. No, he didn\'t specifically say Potter, but I know what he was thinking.\"

\"It does make sense, after Albus he will be the most powerful wizard in the world. And, he\'d suit you.\"

\"If you\'re going to insult me, I\'m leaving.\"

\"He\'s a lovely boy. I know he\'s a bit headstrong and thoughtless . . .\"

\"I never knew you had such a gift for understatement. The boy\'s a menace.\"

\"And I know you and James didn\'t exactly get along.\"

\"I may just have to kill you.\"

\"But you, well liked is probably too strong a word, but you didn\'t exactly mind Lily.\"

\"I realise Unforgiveables are illegal but a lifetime residence in Azkaban just might be worth your death.\"

\"Do be quiet, Severus. Why not Harry? I know you can\'t admit it, but you\'re as fond of the boy as the rest of us.\"

\"I most certainly am not. I can\'t abide the boy, nor he me. It\'s ridiculous. I\'ll just have to think of somebody else. Unfortunately, even I have to admit it would be best if it were somebody close to Potter. I could share the umbrella, if you follow.\"

They lapsed into silence, content to be still and sip their drinks for a moment. Snape was mildly surprised to hear the soft tic tic of a Muggle clock. The fire popped and spit as flames licked at huge logs.

\"Severus, I . . .\" Minerva paused and unaccountably her cheeks flared pink. \"That is to say, I, well, I\'ve, I\'m, oh blast! I\'m a powerful witch. You could do worse.\"

Snape paled; a nearly invisible change. \"Minerva! Please. Don\'t. Thank you. It wouldn\'t work.\"

\"Why not. I\'m Potter\'s Head of House. He may not exactly think of me as a friend, but - \"

\"It would be like sleeping with my moth- sister. I\'ve no desire to add even pseudo-incest to my catalogue of sins.\"

\"Like sleeping with your mother?\"

Snape cursed silently as the rim of Minerva\'s eye took on a suspicious sheen. \"Don\'t get maudlin.\" Suddenly, he spluttered with laughter, \"You really are as daft as he is. How can anyone get teary-eyed over the idea of me sleeping with my mother?\"

\"It\'s not that, dear.\" Minerva wiped her eye on a dainty scrap of the clan tartan. \"It\'s just, do you really think of me as your mother?\"

\"Minerva.

\"Minerva.

\"MINERVA. Stop it!

\"Yes, I am fond of you.\" Snape smiled wanly. \"And I am fond of Albus. But,\" his famous glare was suddenly out in full force, \"I am not fond of Potter. I loathed his father. I disliked his mother. I loathe him. He loathes me. It\'s fabulous. It suits us very well.\"

\"Fine, have it your way. We won\'t talk about it, but don\'t think I\'m going to forget you have motherly feelings towards me, er, sonly feelings. Damn it, you know what I mean. So, if not Potter, then who?\"

Snape groaned. \"Good Lord, I don\'t know. I only know it can\'t be Potter. He\'s reckless, impudent, arrogant, spoiled, annoying, infuriating, ridiculous, and stupid. He\'s out of the question.\"

\"Potter is beloved by all, excepting yourself, Voldemort -- stop wincing, man -- the Death Eaters, Slytherins and Cornelius Fudge. Oh Severus, you are clearly on the wrong side of things. How did you ever manage to have something in common with that blazing idiot, Fudge?\" Minerva asked tartly.

Snape glared and crossed his legs.

\"Well, let\'s list Potter\'s friends then, shall we? Ron?\" McGonagall asked.

\"Oh Merlin.\" Once again, Snape\'s face was hidden in his hands and he groaned loudly. \"Weasley Number Six.\"

Snape paused to consider that for a moment. Weasley Number Six had grown tall, strong, and attractive. There were worse thoughts than associating with him, except of course that, \"He\'s just like Potter. Reckless, impudent, arrogant, annoying, infuriating, truculent, stupid. With the added disadvantage of being a Weasley.\"

\"Severus!\" McGonagall was shocked.

\"Aligning myself with Weasley Number Six would mean aligning myself with the whole Weasley clan.\" Snape shuddered again. \"What a repugnant thought. No, Number Six is out. Which means that Numbers one, two, fourandfive are out as well, because each of them comes with a shrieking Molly and a Muggle-loving Arthur in the background.\"

\"It\'s a shame, really,\" Minerva said. \"The Weasley boys are an unusually attractive lot and Potter certainly loves them as if they were his own brothers.\"

\"Well, I won\'t dismiss them entirely but, with Molly and Arthur added in, they definitely aren\'t on my first tier of possible choices.\"

\"Good Lord, and they say women are catty.\"

\"Name another of Potter\'s friends. Only don\'t say Granger. Not just yet. I\'m not drunk enough for that.\"

Minerva giggled and then tried to look stern. \"Lupin then. He\'s the boy\'s de facto godfather now that Sirius is gone.\"

Snape groaned again, louder than he had the last time. \"It might have escaped your notice, you drunken old . . . cat, but Lupin is a werewolf. Werewolves frighten me, and I\'m not ashamed to admit it. All you people who aren\'t frightened by him are insane. The night Black returned, Lupin forgot to drink the wolfsbane. He forgot. To drink it. He forgot. He\'s a menace.\"

\"You\'re ridiculous. Lupin\'s a menace. Harry\'s a menace. Molly and Arthur are menaces. Fine. Fine. Who among Potter\'s friends is not a menace? Gra –\"

\"Don\'t say it. Don\'t. Just don\'t.\"

\"Well, I don\'t think the other boys in his year are as close as you\'re looking for. Members of the Order, then. Moody?\"

Turning red from his collar to his hairline, Snape spluttered. \"HE\'S AN AUROR! That lot\'s not very fond of me if you\'ll remember. Not to mention which, his eye is not the only mad thing about him.\"

\"Shacklebolt.\"

\"Oh now there\'s a lovely thought.\" Snape leered. \"Powerful, good looking, a member of the Ministry. Good looking.\"

His brow furrowed and he shook his head. \"Just not close enough to Potter.\" His eyes widened and he glared suspiciously at McGonagall. \"Hold on! You\'ve stopped drunking, drinking.\" Snape looked peevish. \"You\'re trying to get me drunk! You\'re trying to get me drunk and have your wicked way with me!\"

Minerva let out what could only be termed a guffaw. \"My wicked way? How melodramatic you are, Severus.\"

\"I mean asking me questions. Interrorgating, er interrogating me. Take a drink. Take a drink or I\'m leaving. This instant. Now.\"

McGonagall raised her glass to Snape and then tossed her drink back. Smacking her lips slightly she reached for the bottle and poured them both another.

\"Where were we?\"

\"Shacklebolt, good looking, but alas, not enough of a friend to guarantee the boy\'s good will would spread to his, ah, mate, partner, consort? Never mind. Nomenclature can be decided upon later, when the deed is actually accomplished.\"

\"I don\'t doubt you would find it pleasant to bed Shacklebolt but, other than some mind numbing sexual release, it would gain nothing.\"

\"I don\'t think you can speak of bedding Shacklebolt as nothing other than mind numbing sexual release. I could do with a little mind numbing sexual relief AND NO, THAT IS NOT A PROPOSITION, YOU DIRTY OLD WOMAN.\"

\"You\'re drunk.\"

\"Yes, I am.\"

\"Shall we continue this some other time?\"

\"Certainly not. I am perfectly competent to have a competition -- heh, say that three times -- with you.\"

\"Are we competing?\"

\"Not until you take another drink. Then we\'re competing.\"

\"Over what?\"

\"I haven\'t the vaguest idea. It\'s not important.\"

\"What\'s not?\"

\"Exactly. So, who else?\"

\"Mundungus Fletcher.\"

Snape sprayed his drink halfway across the room.

\"I thought not. Harry\'s friends . . . Harry\'s friend\'s . . . Longbottom?\"

Snape went completely blank.

\"Severus.\" Minerva waved her hand in front of his face. \"Severus, snap out of it, man! We won\'t discuss Longbottom. There\'s only the women left, unless, Severus? What about Hagrid?\"

\"Minerva, need I remind you we\'re not trying to set me up for a date, and if we were,\" Snape crossed his legs again, \"we would most certainly not be setting me up on a DATE WITH HAGRID! And isn\'t the point to ally myself with a powerful wizard, as opposed to a ridiculous half-giant who hides the remains of his wand in his UMBRELLA?\"

\"You\'re spitting.\"

\"My apologies.\"

\"Accepted.\"

\"Thank you.\"

\"So, the women then. Severus, I think it\'s time.\"

Snape sighed, \"I suppose it is. Go ahead. Say it.\"

\"Granger.\"

A deep shudder wracked Snape\'s entire body. \"NO. I can\'t do this without another drink.\" He picked up the bottle. \"Damn! We\'ve finished it. What else\'ve you got?\"

Minerva rose and, staggering ever so slightly, walked over to her bookcase and removed what appeared to be the History of the British Empire in five volumes. She panted lightly and Snape laughed.

\"It\'s harder than it looks, Bonnie Prince Snape.\"

\"How can you tell?\"

Minerva waved her hand dismissively at Snape. \"Oh you bad, bad man.\"

She opened the cover of the top book and peered down. \"All I have is Creme de Menthe.\"

Snape shuddered and held up his glass, shuddering again as McGonagall poured him a good four inches of the foul liqueur. Prior upheavals were as nothing compared to the one that shook him when he took a large swallow of the thick emerald-green sludge.

\"God, this stuff is vile.\"

\"Yes it is.\"

\"Why do you have it? What am I thinking? Christmas present from Albus?\"

\"Yes, I\'ve given it all away except for this bottle.\"

\"I still have all mine, \" Snape said disgustedly.

\"That\'s because you have no friends.\"

\"Ah, yes, thank you for reminding me. I had quite forgotten. Have I mentioned killing you, lately?\"

\"The women, Snape. You can\'t avoid it forever. Granger.\"

\"What about that, oh what is her name? That Chang girl.\"

\"Cho?\" Minerva laughed. \"You really need to keep up on your inter-house gossip. That didn\'t work out. Good thing really. She\'s a bit limp for all she\'s seeker for Ravenclaw. Harry\'s better off out of it. Not to mention which, if Harry were still interested in her, you\'d hardly endear yourself to him by seducing his girlfriend. \"

\"Point taken. Tonks?\"

\"Nymphadora?\" McGonagall laughed. \"She\'s entirely too cheerful. You\'d use an Unforgivable on her in under a week.\"

\"True. \"

\"There\'s Ginny Weasley.\"

\"Affectionately known as \"Girl Weasley.\"

\"You\'re terrible.\"

\"Sad but true.\"

\"Well, what about Ginny?\"

Snape looked aghast. \"She has all the defects of the aforementioned Weasley Numbers One, Two, Fourandfive, and Six, and has none of their positive attributes - such as a penis.\"

\"Hermione then. There\'s no one left.\"

\"Granger. Little Miss Know-It-All.\"

\"She\'s very intelligent, Severus. You have to admit that\'s a plus.\"

\"Fine. Conceded, but that hair and those teeth!\"

\"There\'s nothing wrong with her teeth.\"

\"Oh, that\'s right, isn\'t it? That was taken care of two years ago. Funny that escaped my memory. I always think of her as she was at eleven, all-knowing, all hair, all teeth. Can you imagine cuddling up in bed with her?\" Snape spat lightly in a pantomime of expelling a strand of hair from his mouth.

Minerva laughed.

\"Familiarity,\" Snape continued, \"would likely breed lectures. I have no intention of spending the remainder of my life listening to my wife lecturing me in bed. And don\'t forget her parents, the Teethists, or whatever they\'re called. Hideous. Unacceptable. Unimaginable. I won\'t consider it for a moment longer.\"

\"Take a drink, Severus. You\'ve gone all Oscar Wilde on me.\"

\"There\'s no hope for it, is there?\"

Minerva understood immediately. \"I\'m afraid not, Severus. It\'s Harry or nothing.\"

\"Well, why not? If I\'m going to attempt the impossible anyway –- making any of these people accept me as a consort, husband, lover, whatever -- I might as well go for broke. Fine. Potter is my first choice.\"

\"I believe that\'s why you knew what Albus was talking about, even though he didn\'t say it outright. You\'re making the right choice.\"

Snape was reverted to his previous cautious state. \"It\'s all very well to say Potter or nothing but if one looks at the situation reasonably -- and I pride myself on being a reasonable man, current mad scheme not withstanding –- bagging Potter will be difficult. The boy despises me and, for all I know, the idiot might not even be inclined towards men.\"

Snape sighed. \"What a waste that would be.\"

\"So Potter first, and if bagging him proves to be difficult?\"

Snape tried unsuccessfully not to shudder. \"Granger, second. And a Weasley third. It probably should be Weasley Number Six as he\'s the closest to Potter.\"

Sighing deeply, Snape added, \"God help me. The thing\'s decided.\"

McGonagall smiled wickedly. \"Do you know how to flirt, Severus?\"

Snape panicked. \"Flirt? Don\'t be daft. I can\'t start there. Potter loathes me. I loathe him. I\'ll have to start slowly. See if I can even convince him I\'m not a total bastard. This is intolerable. Not only do I have to court Potter, I don\'t even get my usual recreational pastime of Potter-baiting. I\'m doomed!\"

Snape stood with difficulty and swayed unsteadily for a moment before speaking. \"Professor McGonagall, with your kind leave, I believe I\'ll spend the night in my own bed, tonight. I trust you won\'t mind.\"

\"You have no idea how relieved I am. Here,\" she thrust a small blue bottle into his hands. \"You\'re going to need this in the morning.\" She raised up and pecked Snape on the cheek. \"Good night, Severus. Sweet dreams.\"

\"I know what you\'re hinting at, you dirty old woman. I am not going to be dreaming of Harry Potter. Get some sleep. You\'ve gone insane.\"


TBC