Harry Potter And The Half Blood Pimp

Harry’s Apartment



Something was wrong, Harry lay in bed wide-awake, he could smell trouble, and it wasn’t the three women in bed with him currently. “Shit.” Harry cursed as he rolled out of bed and reached into his dresser drawer. His fingers curled around the grip of a machete, as he placed a small pistol into the pocket of the shorts he pulled over his naked bottom. Harry was loath to discharge the pistol, as all firearms are HIGHLY illegal in Britain.

“Harry?” Cynthia whispered as she noticed Harry removing the weapons from their hiding spots.

“Shut up bitch.” Harry hissed as he slowly opened the door to the hallway, taking a small peek. His heart felt as though it would burst from his chest as he realized there were at least seven intruders in his home slowly making their way towards his bedroom door.

“Fuck this shit.” Harry thought to himself as he withdrew the handgun from his pocket and slowly cocked the hammer with his thumb. His index finger deftly removed the safety, as he waited for any sound that the intruders where in front of his door. A small scuffing sound alerted him to the presence of someone standing before his door.

TAT TAT TAT!

Bullets burst from his pistol in quick succession, his fully automatic pistol splintering the door into many pieces before Harry through the gun to the ground and rushed into the hallway swinging his machete, the clip now empty on his weapon. Then, like before, there was nothingness. He was completely floating and his mind was arguing with itself about whether or not to drop the machete.

Harry never really believed in God, but he certainly knew there was a higher power that was looking out for him that day, and no matter what you said, he would never deny the fact that SOMEONE was looking out for him that night. He would also have to say, the next time he finds himself in mortal combat, he will certainly wear more then boxer shorts to a fight.

“Gad damn it’s cold.” Harry cursed as he sat up right on the hard marble floor of a strange room. “Where the fuck am I?” He wondered as he noticed the glass window and heavy wood door that adorned the walls in the room.

“Shit, I done got arrested.” He cursed again, just as the door opened to reveal a rather pretty looking young women in a police uniform, but her bubblegum pink hair is what surprised Harry.

“Ugh, I hate these guys.” Tonks groaned inwardly as she stepped into the room. “Always the same, they get picked up, pulled in here in their underwear, and then I have to explain to them they were on drugs and ended up arrested. Stupid Fletch. Ugh, he’s grinning at me.”

“Hullo’.” Harry grinned as he stared at the pretty officer. “How do you do?”

“Fine.” Tonks growled, doing her best impression of the tough cop. “I have a few questions for you.”

“Ask away love.” Harry smirked, as he leaned back in his seat, his feet up on the table. “I have all the time in the world. Though, I want a lawyer.”

“Done.” Tonks grumbled as she motion towards the glass, and then the door opened revealing a rather tall woman with bushy brown hair and slightly bucky teeth. “This is Patricia Granger, she will be your lawyer.” Tonks scowled.

“Hello Mr.”

“Stevenson.” Harry finished for her.

“Of course.” Patricia smiled.

“My client, Mr. Stevenson will not be answering any questions, and furthermore, your methods of obtaining an arrest warrant is suspect. If within one hour, you cannot come up with a signed statement by a Mr. Fletch that he has been purchasing “Prostitutes”, from Mr. Stevenson, then Mr. Stevenson is free to leave.”

“Wammo.” Harry snickered at the look on Tonk’s face.

An hour later, Harry was strutting his way out the front door to freedom, wearing a hat and long jacket issued by the Police. “Allow me sir.” Harry laughed as he opened the door for a strange looking old man, wearing bright billowy clothing and a pointy hat.

“What a nice young man.” The elderly gentlemen mused as he bowed and entered the foyer.

“Albus!” A dark skinned officer grinned as he shook hands with the elderly man. “What brings you here old friend?”

“I have come because of Tonks, she wishes to speak to me.” Albus continued, “Ah, there she is! Good speaking to you Shacklebolt, see you soon.”

“You to Albus.” Shacklebolt laughed.

Tonks looked flustered as she walked up to Dumbledore, her face slightly pink and her normal bubblegum hair was a sickly green. “If you could Albus, could you come with me? I think we found Harry.”

“Wonderful!” Albus clapped as he walked with Tonks to her cubicle. “As you can see from these records, any of these three boys could be Harry, from what we have seen.” Tonks explained as she handed Dumbledore a small stack of pictures.

“No, sadly, none of these boys have his aura, or his parents aura. It is a rare aura, that I would recognize on sight.” Dumbledore nodded sagely.

“Well, if you say so.” Tonks sighed as she cast the pictures into a drawer.

Dumbledore picked up a small manila envelope off Tonks desk, opening it to the picture of a young man without a shirt grinning with a plate with numbers under his face. “It couldn’t be.” Dumbledore assured himself as he watched the thick green aura convolute around the body of the boy.

“That is some panderer we tried to put behind bars, damndest kid I ever saw, he’s like…”

“Twelve or Thirteen.” Dumbledore finished for her.

“Yea.” Tonks confirmed, a confused look on her face. “He’s a pimp out in a seedy part of London though, we know he is, but we can’t get him on it.”

Dumbledores face fell as he listened to Tonks. Could Lily’ and James son be a… a… panderer? “Where is this boy now?” Dumbledore inquired.

“He just left.” Tonks grumbled.

“Wait.” Dumbledore raised his hand, the rusty cogs in his brain spinning as he remembered the young man opening the door for him, the green aura around him convoluting like James and Lily’. Dumbledore burst from his seat, his hips popping like firecrackers as he rushed towards the entrance to the Ministry, the door burst open and he flung his head outside, scanning the sidewalks.



Two Days Later



THWACK! The blow staggered Harry as he stumbled forward, a few drops of blood dripping from the crack in his scalp. “This is not my god damn week.” He thought as he landed on his knees.

“Listen ya little shit, ya’r to young to run these streets, and we gonna take care of you.” The random thug laughed as he and his two cohorts beat Harry mercilessly, leaving him to awake in a gutter.

“Mutha…” Harry spluttered as he pulled himself with his hands out of the alley into the street before passing out again.

His head was killing him and he couldn’t feel his right leg, but by the sound of the voice of the men next to his bed, he must be pretty fucked up.

“Albus…”

Their speech was to garbled for Harry’s ears for him to understand, but he caught small snippets about a school and about himself. “I wish they would shut the fuck up.” He screamed in his head, a dull haze surrounding him, and they did.



“Albus, how can you be sure this is him?” A stern looking women hissed just outside a hospital room. “He is… he’s a street animal.” She sniffled.

“Minerva, that is no way to speak of young Harry.” Albus Dumbledore smiled serenely. “We have found him, and that is what matters my dear lady.”

“But Albus, if it is true, he is a… a… well, you know what he is! It’s dreadful, I cannot even say it, and it dishonors the Potter’s name.” Tears openly streamed from her eyes in her grief.

“If this is true headmaster, I for one vote not to allow Potter into Hogwarts.” The greasy man sneered, with a grim look of satisfaction behind his eyes.

“Now now Severus, there will be no problem with young Harry attending Hogwarts.” Dumbledore laughed. “I’m just so glad we found him.”



“Bleh.” Harry groaned as he sat up in bed, his head pounding. “Who the fuck are you?” He hissed as he realized there was a strangely dressed man with greasy hair next to his bed.

“I am Professor Snape.” The greasy man replied snarkily. “I am just here to make sure you don’t die before you can wake up. We have much to talk about.”

“Right…” Harry smiled as he assessed his injuries, his leg still didn’t work right.

“Drink this.” Snape grumbled as he handed a silver flask to Harry. “It’s not poison, if I wanted to kill you, I would have already.”

“Thanks.” Harry replied as he chugged the fluid, it burned like fire and felt like it was eating through his intestines. “Good shit.” He laughed, without even a cough.

Snape only arched an eyebrow as Harry began to pull himself out of bed and gather his belongings. “Where are you going?”

“Business.” Replied Harry.

“Of course.” Snape scowled as he followed Harry out of the room and down the stairs, past the receptionist and across the street.

“Stop following me git.” Harry growled

“I can’t leave you, orders you know.” Snape hissed back.

“Fuck you.” Harry replied, hoping to scare the man off to no avail.

Eventually Harry found his way to his apartment, and made straight for his car. After checking the trunk for something, he hopped into the convertible vehicle only to realize greasy had gotten into his back seat, and now there was an old man sitting next to him.

“I always loved a good car ride.” Albus Dumbledore squealed.

“I am going fucking nuts.” Harry whimpered as he shook his head and started the motor. “Absolutely fucking bonkers.”

“So, where are we go- OOOF” Dumbledore exclaimed as Harry flipped the switch to his hydraulics, the classic convertible Cadillac bouncing to the rhythm of Harry’s pounding music.

“You know, I feel pretty fuckin good.” Harry shouted over the crescendo of crashing bass, “What ever greasy there gave me, was some good shit.”

“You will be feeling it in the morning, I assure you.” Snape replied matter of factly, an expression that simply shouted unamused on his face. “I do believe some of your injuries will be permanent.”

“Fuck it… It ain’t nothing but a thang.” Harry laughed sarcastically, his grin turning to grim determination as he began limping out of the vehicle, having arrived at their destination.

“Perhaps, the effects will become more noticeable sooner.” Snape smiled as he watched Harry drag his leg towards the boot of the car. (BAM BRITISH-ISM BITCH!)

“What exactly do you plan to accomplish here Harry?” Dumbledore smiled at Harry before gripping lightly at the door as the hydraulics purged and the car lowered to the ground.

“My name is King Magick old man, and im here to take care of business.” KM replied grimly

“I do believe Severus will be accompanying you then, and I shall wait here.” Dumbledore smiled as he watched Harry withdraw a rather whicked looking baseball bat with nails in it.

“Ugh.” Severus sighed as he excavated himself from the back seat of the Cadillac. “I hate being a baby sitter.”

“Fuck off mate.” Harry sing songed as he used the bat as a walking cane, navigating his way towards the house they had pulled up to.

“I take it you plan to get revenge for what was done to you… correct?” Snape inquired, his face devoid of emotion.

“That’s right.” Harry confirmed.

“Well, if I was Minerva, I would discuss with you how revenge is wrong, and we should live and let live.” Snape nodded in contemplation.

“Really?” Harry scratched his chin as he thought about that.

“Im not Minerva, don’t get any blood on my robes you little heathen.” Snape shrugged as he kicked the door open to the small apartment.

“KNOCK KNOCK MUTHER FUCKERS!” Harry bellowed as he limped into the room behind Snape, his weapon dull with rust under the harsh electric lights.

“Oi! Its that little shit!” One of the thugs who had beaten Harry screamed as he tipped out of his chair.

“That’s right it is!” Harry laughed as he hobbled past Snape, swinging his makeshift mace like an ace. “I’ve come for a little retribution.”

“As much as I hate young Harry here, he certainly knows how to have a good time.” Snapes revelry was interrupted by the sickening thud of bat and nail colliding with flesh. “Oh yes… a wonderful time.”

SLAM!

POP!

THWOM!

SQUISH! “Oh my… that sounds delightfully awful…” Snape grinned, as much as he hated baby sitting, he rather LOVED watching this crippled disgraceful half-blood pimp beat people silly.

CRACK! “I do believe I soiled my knickers after that one.” He grinned to himself as he watched Harry scream some creative profanity at his previous attackers.

“I think this ones dead.” Harry finally interrupted Snape, as he prodded the man with his stick.

“Ah yes, he was the squishy one.” Snape grinned.

“Right.” Harry confirmed.

“Well, that’s it then, lets go.” Snape returned to his normal clammy self.

“Right-o.” Harry grinned as he hobbled out of the room following Snape, slowly whistling the tune of Still Fly, an American rap song by Big Tymers.

“So, did you accomplish your goals?” Dumbledore questioned, his face serene.

“I would say so.” Harry laughed as he took his blood soaked coat off and tossed it into the gutter, with his bat. “Let’s go get something to eat, courtesy of…” Harry opened the strange wallet, gazing at the id within. “Bernard, he really wants us to go run up his credit cards to, so lets go party.”

“Harry, we wish to discuss something with you.” Dumbledore confided as they sat eating at a small diner. “I wish to educate you.”

“Do what? You old piece of shit, are you implying im indignant?” Harry proclaimed.

“You mean, ignorant.” Snape corrected.

“Fuck you.” Harry smirked.

“Harry, you’re a wizard.” Dumbledore explained.

“Im a what?” Harry gaped.

“A wizard Harry, I can help you understand your life, your parents, everything.” Dumbledore implored. “Think Harry, haven’t you ever done something you can’t explain?”

“Hmmm.” Harry thought, “Well, one time I ended up on the roof of a building when I was younger, because I was running from some thugs.”

“See Harry?” Dumbledore continued, “Anything strange, all the odd things in your life, I can bring full circle to you.”

“Yea, I see what you’re talking about.” Harry stroked his chin. “One problem though.”

“What is that Potter?” Grease ball sneered.

“I isn’t talking to you.” Harry hissed.

“Listen you little piece of…” Snape was cut off by a wave of Dumbledores hand.

“What the fuck is your dysfunction?” Harry growled.

Snape only stared after making eye contact with Dumbledore.

Harry scowled, obviously putting up mental shields sub consciously as his face became unreadable. “Look, I am established, homies.”

“What do you mean Harry?” Dumbledores face etched in confusion.

“I got a presence, I am the hood.” Harry nodded, an almost sage like wisdom shining behind his eyes. Harry stood then, “Look, get in contact with me in a few days, give me some time to think.”

“I will do that Harry.” Dumbledore confirmed, as he watched Harry turn to leave. “Take care.”

“You to old man.” Harry waved as he left.

“Severus?” Dumbledore inquired after Harry had left.

“Yes Head Master?” Snape asked.

“What is homies?” Dumbledore asked.

“I think it is a type of sexually transmitted muggle disease.” Snape grinned inwardly.

“Remind me to take Harry past St. Mungo’s for a routine check up before we let him loose at the school.” Dumbledore thought out loud.

“Yes sir.” Snape grinned.