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Snape's Intervention.
folder
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
4
Views:
5,899
Reviews:
53
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
Harry Potter › General
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
4
Views:
5,899
Reviews:
53
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Harry Potter, nor any of the characters from the books or movies. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
The Snape Pit.
KatelynXM- Thank you all my wonderful reviewers!
RowanNightwish- Yay, you reviewed twice!
Emile- Why are you thanking me for breaking your ribs? Are you a massochist? And the ancient art of pulling stuff out of one's own ass is a sacred and time honored tradition that i am not allowed to reveal to you.
MrStick666-I STILL FUCKING LOVE YOU TOO! STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE! (i dont like getting sexy with the captian.) ATHF rules!
C.- number 65, from which list?
luciousucius-if you dont continue with A Few Things To Remember I'm gonna go and pout in my room.
xfrakonaleashx- omg, here's more. Now shake hands, good doggie.
Demon- does this answer your question?
calixte- im so glad you got my pop culture stuff!
Ariel- why? do you like to do that kind of stuff?
Thank you so much you guys, you really make all this worthwhile.
Sorry that this chapter isn't as long as the others, im trying to write another fic right now, and i have to right an aff and neg ld case by next week!
Oh, and I own nothing.
Finally, in this list you will see a few references to other people's stories. I will not reveal them but am sure that the authors will recognize them.(my gift to phorcys, lusciouslucius, and so on.)
The Snape Pit.
(One month after the last chapter)
“Fuck!” Thought Minerva, as she paced around her office. Why was Severus still here? It had been she, yes, a SHE, who had called St. Mungo’s. It was hard at first, she had to suggest her Great Hall idea to Dumbledore, which took some careful footwork to hide from him her true intentions. Footwork and some other things, but she didn’t want to think about those, merely repress them. “Uhhh,” She shuddered.
After that, she had told all the other staff members that she had charmed Severus’s list so that when he read it, he was bound to follow it no-matter what. In truth she hadn’t, because Dumbledore had the list the entire time and he wouldn’t let her charm it because he didn’t like the idea of forcing Severus to do something unknowingly. He said he trusted Severus. (Actually she had a feeling Aberforth might have molested Dumbledore in his childhood and Dumbledore had issues with anything being ‘forced’, but she didn’t pry.)
Anyway, charming the list would have only been a precaution, all she needed was for the other teachers think that she had charmed it, so that they would look smug in front of Severus, that way, if her face gave her away during the speech, she would look just like everyone else.
Damn it, she thought, how had he escaped? A fully grown, suspicious natured wizard who battles the dark forces vs. two possibly homosexual healers who were under the idea that they were facing a harmless idiot who couldn’t even remember to do magic? Really, who would expected that he would get himself out of that jam?
At least she wasn’t in trouble though. Severus was none the wiser to her and wouldn’t tell Dumbledore what had happened to him for he would suspect Dumbledore might have something to do with it. Finally She knew Severus would keep his word to Dumbledore about not doing anything on that list, and the other teachers would just think that it had been her charm, so she wouldn’t be asked questions by them.
“Oh well, she thought, it was worth a try.” Because for no reason what so ever she was suddenly okay about everything. Why you ask? Because it’s a convenient way for the writer to end this segment, that’s why. What? Don’t like me breaking the fourth wall, -- then don’t read this:
HA, HA! Harry Potter isn’t real, and you should read Mystery Hogwarts Theater because it is my favorite fan-fiction.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, in the Fortress of Solitude:
“Oh you must have been a beautiful baby...” Severus sang to himself as he graded his students papers while he sat at his desk in his office. He was just about give Potter’s paper a T when suddenly he felt a tickle deep within his nose.
“AHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOO!”
(A/N– hey anime fans, did you get it? *nudge nudge, wink wink* ^ o ^)
"The Hell was that? Who’s there?” Severus shouted, alarmed. “Oh, it’s just that damn author again.” He said, as he looked to the ceiling.
(No it wasn’t)
“Then what are you?” Severus asked. “Are you my conscience?”
(*Silence*)
“Well, whatever you are, I’m needing some plot movement here, if you don’t mind...... And some edible underwear.”
Suddenly, as if by MAGIC, his office door banged open, and a large red parcel flew into the room, which nailed Severus square on the forehead before it landed neatly on his desk.
Rubbing the rather large goose-egg that was now starting to appear on his forehead, Severus picked up the parcel and tapped it with his wand. The bottom of the parcel opened, spilling out a small black plastic box and a, wait for it, large roll of parchment unto his desk.
He unrolled the parchment and recognized the narrowed, loopy writing of Dumbledore’s.
Dear Severus,
Once again it has been discovered that you have been up to no good. Tsk Tsk, we can’t have that now can we? Below this is your most recent list. Don’t worry about whether or not anyone will hear you read it, all you have to do is use the tape recorder I have sent along with this list. Just press the button on it that has a triangle and begin to read, then once more, give me your word and then stop the tape recorder by pressing the button with a square on it. Then just put everything back into the parcel, seal it and command the parcel to come straight to me.
Love you like a sister,
Dumbledore.
Did he really find it necessary to write down ‘Tsk Tsk’? Severus thought. Really, he couldn’t wait until the author of this fan-fiction finally gave him back to J.K, so that he could kill Dumbledore.
(A/N– Shut-up and read, bitch!)
Severus pressed the button on the tape recorder, and feeling as though he had forgotten something, began to read.
“Really, does it even bare repeating, you perma-fried geriatric head-case?
1. Potions class should not be a life or death situation.
2. I am not the Hogwart’s “Thong Inspector.”
3. I may not have more than three mid-life crisis per week.
4. The school song does not include the phrase: Because I got high, Because I got high, Because I got high.
5. I will not rub-down the Gryffindor Quidditch team’s broomsticks with Ben-Gay.
6. Dumbledore is not a cross-dresser.
7. 1st years can not be used as collateral.
8. Harry is not to be used for target practice.
9. Draco would not look sexy in pig-tails.
10. The Hogwart’s Horseless carriages are not “shaggin’ wagons.”
11. Me and Professor Lupin, together and unattended in Madam Pomfrey’s office is not to be allowed.
12. Whether or not the student’s owls taste like chicken is not something I should test.
13. I will stop following Filch around coughing *pedophile!*
14. Harry Hunting is *not* a school sport.
15. I may not ask Hermione Granger to warn me of her PMS dates.
16. I will stop implying that Draco makes his own hair gel.
17. I am not a member of the Village People.
18. Neither are any of the house-elves.
19. When I want to talk to Professor Binns I will go up to the History of Magic Classroom, not conduct a seance.
20. I will not begin all my sentences with the term: Oh My God.
21. I will not teach 1st years what a rim job is.
22. I must not challenge students and/or members of the staff to roshambro.
23. I will remove my various pillow forts from the following places: The halls, my classroom, Dumbledore’s office, the Gryffindor Quidditch Team’s changing roms, Filch’s office, Mcgonagall’s classroom and my seat at the teachers table in the Great Hall.
24. Not allowed to sing the muffin-man song.
25. Can’t pour vats of shampoo down the marble staricases.
26. I am not allowed to cross-breed any animal with another animal species.
27. I will not cross-breed any human with any animal species.
28. I will not teach my students how to brew their own beer.
29. I will refrain from asking Harry if Ginny Weasly is a good fuck.
30. I will refrain from asking Ron if Ginny Weasly is a good fuck.
31. Must never ask Hagrid if his pumpkins are a good fuck.(He can go on for hours.)
32. Must not kill Hufflepuffs, must not kill Hufflepuffs, must not kill Hufflepuffs, must not kill Huff............
33. I would’ve washed my hair, really, but I used all my shampoo.
34. I may not ask people to call me “Slick.”
35. At Dark Revels I will not sing “Nagini and Voldemort sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
36. I am not a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.
37. I am not allowed to hand out “25 cent insurance policies” to students.
38. This school is called “Hogwarts”, not “Planet of the Snapes.”
39. Dean does not taste like chicken and watermelon.
40. If you eat Cho-Chang you will not be hungry an hour later.
41. Harry’s greatest power is the ability to love, but that does not mean that he and Voldemort are going to shag.
42. I am not allowed to duct-tape Fred’s butt-cheeks together.
43. Must not tempt Sirius by putting doggie treats in my pocket.
44. When Harry goes into the broomstick closet to get his Firebolt, I am not allowed to wait outside so that when he comes out I can loudly accuse him of ‘coming out of the closet.’
45. I do not get stigmata.
46. I will stop threatening to rape the author of this fan-fiction.
47. Must not write and/or distribute fan-fiction concerning Dumbledore and Filch. (It’s like the equivalent of a cyanide pill.)
48. I am not allowed to do anything that may cause anyone to cry themselves to sleep.
49. “Redneck Zombies” are not potions class training aids.
50. Must not have sex with Hufflepuffs, must not have sex with Hufflepuffs, must not have sex with Huff.................."
----------------------
Severus then proceeded (God I love that word) to give his word to Dumbledore. He then pressed stop, sealed the parcel, and told it to go wank off. He watched as it zoomed out the door, wishing he could see the look on Dumbledore’s face when he received the parcel. Or not..........
‘Well, now that that’s out of the way,’ Severus thought, remembering what he had forgotten, ‘what about my undies?’
Again, the door opened, this time by none other than Draco Malfoy, who had come to the Potions Professor to ask how he had done on his paper. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the time to say more than, “What the-”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, In the Entrance Hall:
As Harry Potter and his two best friends, Ron and Hermione, walked towards the large staircase in the entrance hall, they were stopped by a most peculiar sound coming from the dungeons. A very peculiar, very familiar sound as though some one was screaming.
And as all three stood quietly and listened, they heard:
“Hey! These aren’t edible! Damn you, KatelynXM!”
Harry: *-*
Ron: o-0
Hermione: ;0
“You know what?” Harry said, as he turned away from his friends startled faces and began walking up the staircase. “I think I’ll just stay out of this one.”
A/N- Whew. Remember, I always want to hear your opinions, praise and ideas, so review! And if you really want to suck up, you could read and review my other story, "Her Invisible Cross."
-Also, please check out my reccomended reading list, I just can't say enough good things about these stories so this is my way of giving them more than reviews!
-Also, another reason to review is that I am almost finished with the fourth chapter, and do I smell the beginings of a beautiful m/m relationship? With whom, you may ask? Well, you'll just have to review (I won't post until I have five more reviews mwahahahaha) and and find out.
Well, so long, and good night.
RowanNightwish- Yay, you reviewed twice!
Emile- Why are you thanking me for breaking your ribs? Are you a massochist? And the ancient art of pulling stuff out of one's own ass is a sacred and time honored tradition that i am not allowed to reveal to you.
MrStick666-I STILL FUCKING LOVE YOU TOO! STAY AWAY FROM MY HOUSE! (i dont like getting sexy with the captian.) ATHF rules!
C.- number 65, from which list?
luciousucius-if you dont continue with A Few Things To Remember I'm gonna go and pout in my room.
xfrakonaleashx- omg, here's more. Now shake hands, good doggie.
Demon- does this answer your question?
calixte- im so glad you got my pop culture stuff!
Ariel- why? do you like to do that kind of stuff?
Thank you so much you guys, you really make all this worthwhile.
Sorry that this chapter isn't as long as the others, im trying to write another fic right now, and i have to right an aff and neg ld case by next week!
Oh, and I own nothing.
Finally, in this list you will see a few references to other people's stories. I will not reveal them but am sure that the authors will recognize them.(my gift to phorcys, lusciouslucius, and so on.)
The Snape Pit.
(One month after the last chapter)
“Fuck!” Thought Minerva, as she paced around her office. Why was Severus still here? It had been she, yes, a SHE, who had called St. Mungo’s. It was hard at first, she had to suggest her Great Hall idea to Dumbledore, which took some careful footwork to hide from him her true intentions. Footwork and some other things, but she didn’t want to think about those, merely repress them. “Uhhh,” She shuddered.
After that, she had told all the other staff members that she had charmed Severus’s list so that when he read it, he was bound to follow it no-matter what. In truth she hadn’t, because Dumbledore had the list the entire time and he wouldn’t let her charm it because he didn’t like the idea of forcing Severus to do something unknowingly. He said he trusted Severus. (Actually she had a feeling Aberforth might have molested Dumbledore in his childhood and Dumbledore had issues with anything being ‘forced’, but she didn’t pry.)
Anyway, charming the list would have only been a precaution, all she needed was for the other teachers think that she had charmed it, so that they would look smug in front of Severus, that way, if her face gave her away during the speech, she would look just like everyone else.
Damn it, she thought, how had he escaped? A fully grown, suspicious natured wizard who battles the dark forces vs. two possibly homosexual healers who were under the idea that they were facing a harmless idiot who couldn’t even remember to do magic? Really, who would expected that he would get himself out of that jam?
At least she wasn’t in trouble though. Severus was none the wiser to her and wouldn’t tell Dumbledore what had happened to him for he would suspect Dumbledore might have something to do with it. Finally She knew Severus would keep his word to Dumbledore about not doing anything on that list, and the other teachers would just think that it had been her charm, so she wouldn’t be asked questions by them.
“Oh well, she thought, it was worth a try.” Because for no reason what so ever she was suddenly okay about everything. Why you ask? Because it’s a convenient way for the writer to end this segment, that’s why. What? Don’t like me breaking the fourth wall, -- then don’t read this:
HA, HA! Harry Potter isn’t real, and you should read Mystery Hogwarts Theater because it is my favorite fan-fiction.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, in the Fortress of Solitude:
“Oh you must have been a beautiful baby...” Severus sang to himself as he graded his students papers while he sat at his desk in his office. He was just about give Potter’s paper a T when suddenly he felt a tickle deep within his nose.
“AHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOO!”
(A/N– hey anime fans, did you get it? *nudge nudge, wink wink* ^ o ^)
"The Hell was that? Who’s there?” Severus shouted, alarmed. “Oh, it’s just that damn author again.” He said, as he looked to the ceiling.
(No it wasn’t)
“Then what are you?” Severus asked. “Are you my conscience?”
(*Silence*)
“Well, whatever you are, I’m needing some plot movement here, if you don’t mind...... And some edible underwear.”
Suddenly, as if by MAGIC, his office door banged open, and a large red parcel flew into the room, which nailed Severus square on the forehead before it landed neatly on his desk.
Rubbing the rather large goose-egg that was now starting to appear on his forehead, Severus picked up the parcel and tapped it with his wand. The bottom of the parcel opened, spilling out a small black plastic box and a, wait for it, large roll of parchment unto his desk.
He unrolled the parchment and recognized the narrowed, loopy writing of Dumbledore’s.
Dear Severus,
Once again it has been discovered that you have been up to no good. Tsk Tsk, we can’t have that now can we? Below this is your most recent list. Don’t worry about whether or not anyone will hear you read it, all you have to do is use the tape recorder I have sent along with this list. Just press the button on it that has a triangle and begin to read, then once more, give me your word and then stop the tape recorder by pressing the button with a square on it. Then just put everything back into the parcel, seal it and command the parcel to come straight to me.
Love you like a sister,
Dumbledore.
Did he really find it necessary to write down ‘Tsk Tsk’? Severus thought. Really, he couldn’t wait until the author of this fan-fiction finally gave him back to J.K, so that he could kill Dumbledore.
(A/N– Shut-up and read, bitch!)
Severus pressed the button on the tape recorder, and feeling as though he had forgotten something, began to read.
“Really, does it even bare repeating, you perma-fried geriatric head-case?
1. Potions class should not be a life or death situation.
2. I am not the Hogwart’s “Thong Inspector.”
3. I may not have more than three mid-life crisis per week.
4. The school song does not include the phrase: Because I got high, Because I got high, Because I got high.
5. I will not rub-down the Gryffindor Quidditch team’s broomsticks with Ben-Gay.
6. Dumbledore is not a cross-dresser.
7. 1st years can not be used as collateral.
8. Harry is not to be used for target practice.
9. Draco would not look sexy in pig-tails.
10. The Hogwart’s Horseless carriages are not “shaggin’ wagons.”
11. Me and Professor Lupin, together and unattended in Madam Pomfrey’s office is not to be allowed.
12. Whether or not the student’s owls taste like chicken is not something I should test.
13. I will stop following Filch around coughing *pedophile!*
14. Harry Hunting is *not* a school sport.
15. I may not ask Hermione Granger to warn me of her PMS dates.
16. I will stop implying that Draco makes his own hair gel.
17. I am not a member of the Village People.
18. Neither are any of the house-elves.
19. When I want to talk to Professor Binns I will go up to the History of Magic Classroom, not conduct a seance.
20. I will not begin all my sentences with the term: Oh My God.
21. I will not teach 1st years what a rim job is.
22. I must not challenge students and/or members of the staff to roshambro.
23. I will remove my various pillow forts from the following places: The halls, my classroom, Dumbledore’s office, the Gryffindor Quidditch Team’s changing roms, Filch’s office, Mcgonagall’s classroom and my seat at the teachers table in the Great Hall.
24. Not allowed to sing the muffin-man song.
25. Can’t pour vats of shampoo down the marble staricases.
26. I am not allowed to cross-breed any animal with another animal species.
27. I will not cross-breed any human with any animal species.
28. I will not teach my students how to brew their own beer.
29. I will refrain from asking Harry if Ginny Weasly is a good fuck.
30. I will refrain from asking Ron if Ginny Weasly is a good fuck.
31. Must never ask Hagrid if his pumpkins are a good fuck.(He can go on for hours.)
32. Must not kill Hufflepuffs, must not kill Hufflepuffs, must not kill Hufflepuffs, must not kill Huff............
33. I would’ve washed my hair, really, but I used all my shampoo.
34. I may not ask people to call me “Slick.”
35. At Dark Revels I will not sing “Nagini and Voldemort sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G.”
36. I am not a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.
37. I am not allowed to hand out “25 cent insurance policies” to students.
38. This school is called “Hogwarts”, not “Planet of the Snapes.”
39. Dean does not taste like chicken and watermelon.
40. If you eat Cho-Chang you will not be hungry an hour later.
41. Harry’s greatest power is the ability to love, but that does not mean that he and Voldemort are going to shag.
42. I am not allowed to duct-tape Fred’s butt-cheeks together.
43. Must not tempt Sirius by putting doggie treats in my pocket.
44. When Harry goes into the broomstick closet to get his Firebolt, I am not allowed to wait outside so that when he comes out I can loudly accuse him of ‘coming out of the closet.’
45. I do not get stigmata.
46. I will stop threatening to rape the author of this fan-fiction.
47. Must not write and/or distribute fan-fiction concerning Dumbledore and Filch. (It’s like the equivalent of a cyanide pill.)
48. I am not allowed to do anything that may cause anyone to cry themselves to sleep.
49. “Redneck Zombies” are not potions class training aids.
50. Must not have sex with Hufflepuffs, must not have sex with Hufflepuffs, must not have sex with Huff.................."
----------------------
Severus then proceeded (God I love that word) to give his word to Dumbledore. He then pressed stop, sealed the parcel, and told it to go wank off. He watched as it zoomed out the door, wishing he could see the look on Dumbledore’s face when he received the parcel. Or not..........
‘Well, now that that’s out of the way,’ Severus thought, remembering what he had forgotten, ‘what about my undies?’
Again, the door opened, this time by none other than Draco Malfoy, who had come to the Potions Professor to ask how he had done on his paper. Unfortunately, he didn’t have the time to say more than, “What the-”
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile, In the Entrance Hall:
As Harry Potter and his two best friends, Ron and Hermione, walked towards the large staircase in the entrance hall, they were stopped by a most peculiar sound coming from the dungeons. A very peculiar, very familiar sound as though some one was screaming.
And as all three stood quietly and listened, they heard:
“Hey! These aren’t edible! Damn you, KatelynXM!”
Harry: *-*
Ron: o-0
Hermione: ;0
“You know what?” Harry said, as he turned away from his friends startled faces and began walking up the staircase. “I think I’ll just stay out of this one.”
A/N- Whew. Remember, I always want to hear your opinions, praise and ideas, so review! And if you really want to suck up, you could read and review my other story, "Her Invisible Cross."
-Also, please check out my reccomended reading list, I just can't say enough good things about these stories so this is my way of giving them more than reviews!
-Also, another reason to review is that I am almost finished with the fourth chapter, and do I smell the beginings of a beautiful m/m relationship? With whom, you may ask? Well, you'll just have to review (I won't post until I have five more reviews mwahahahaha) and and find out.
Well, so long, and good night.