The Phantom of Idiocy

Hermione stalks into the room, hair bushy behind her, temper fuming. Harry and Ron walk behind her, fuming in a similar fashion.

\"Wow Hermione,\" Harry says, \"You’re right about Snape. In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was Voldemort the Second!\"

\"Yeah!\" cried Ron in agreement.

Snape stalks in behind them. \"200 hundred points from Gryffindor,\" he barks as he walks up to his desk.

Malfoy smirks as Harry yells, \"Oh the inequality of it all!\"

\"Alright you little fuckers,\" Snape growls, \"Even though very few of you have the mind power to continue breathing, I’m going to assign you a potion worthy of second year students. This is a test of your competency, which I expect you’ll all fail miserably…especially you, Potter. Your father always did suck at potions. And his penis size was nothing short of shockingly small.\"

Harry stands up, outraged. \"My father did not have a small penis! It’s you, you have the small penis!\"

\"5,000 points from Gryffindor,\" Snape replies, \"And I expect Miss Granger in detention tonight for being your friend.\"

Hermione gasps and bursts into tears. How could anyone be so cruel?. As Snape presents the potion to the class, she vows to make the best potion out of everyone to spite him.

At the end of class, low and behold, Hermione’s potion is the only one that is the perfect shade of blood red. Snape stands over the cauldron and sneers. \"Well, well Miss Granger. Of course the know-it-all of the class would get it right. 50 points from Gryffindor for being that insufferable know-it-all.\"

Harry reels back, prepared to smack Snape in the face, but Ron holds him back. Hermione, once again, gasps and bursts into tears, running out the door and to the Great Hall for dinner.

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All the students and faculty of Hogwarts are gathered in the Great Hall, beginning to eat dinner. Hermione has now composed herself and is sitting upright, determined not to let Snape see her weakness. Snape begins to devour his dinner, ignoring the students, completely lost in his own inner monologue.

Stupid Miss Granger, what an insufferable know-it-all she is. And associating with that Potter boy…she could do so much better… Especially with those curvy features of hers. Snape pauses, shocked at his own thoughts. Curvy features my ass, that girl’s a stick! But she’s got a C-cup at least…NO! Mustn’t think that way about pupils…those tiny girls. But she’s not a girl, she’s a woman. The way I saw her fight the war against Voldemort, the fire in her eyes… And the way she was coping with her parents’ death…she needs comfort now most of all…Perhaps I could be the one to comfort her. NO! She would never want someone like me. My poor, misunderstood, dark, brooding self will be alone forever and always… yearning for the supple feel of her skin… she could never look past the monster on the outside, to the sweet, doting, romantic, sex-god waiting beneath the shell of armor…trapped inside billowing robes of mystery…

Snape turns and notices Dumbledore staring at him. The headmaster’s eyes are gleaming as they look between Severus and Hermione. Snape suddenly realizes that he wasn’t blocking his mind at all and that Dumbledore probably heard everything he was thinking. Dumbledore grins and winks.

Hermione watches Snape in fascination. She wonders what it is he’s thinking about as she gazes at his intense, concentrating face. \"Even though all of my friends and family absolutely loathe Professor Snape, I still feel there’s something there. His dark, oddly handsome features strike me as a man who is very lonely and in need of a woman. But no! He would never go for a little stick of a girl like me… Although I do have a C-cup. NO! I am, after all, one of his students. But when we fought side by side in the war, we were equals…on top of the world! The moment he fired that killing curse at all of the death eaters was a moment I’ll never forget… He looked at me and said ‘It’s over’. But, for me, it had just begun. He has no one to comfort him now that the war is over….Perhaps I could be the one to comfort him. NO! He would never want someone like me. My dorky, know-it-all, gryffindor, muggle-born ways will turn him off for sure…\"

Hermione turns and notices Harry staring at her. Harry’s eyes are gleaming as they look between Hermione and Snape. Hermione suddenly realizes she was saying all of this out loud.

\"Err… Sorry, I’m just nervous about detention tonight…Grrrrrr Snape…greasy git.\"

Harry smiled lightly. \"I understand Hermione. Perfectly logical explanation. Detention sure does suck… greasy git.\"

\"Right, well, best be off to the dungeons.\" She chugs her pumpkin juice and pulls her bag over her shoulder and walks off towards the dungeons.