Mystery Hogwarts Theater

MHT: 1.3

*Ron means Claustrophobic, but…well it’s Ron. Just smile and laugh.
And in case you haven’t got it, Voldemort has lost his mind and instead of being evil man who we should all fear he’s like…my grandmother armed with bad Fanfiction.

*********************
Chapter Three
Everyone twitches (Or: The one where we taunt S&D)
*********************

*Voldemort’s Lair*

“Really?” Voldemort said as he placed a cup of tea in front of him.

“Seriously. Harry hates enclosed spaces. He’s like homophobic*, so here we are, locked in the prefect bathroom and suddenly he just starts freaking out.” Ron snorted at the memory. “It was hilarious. The infamous boy who lived, in a corner crying because the door was locked.”

“Indeed.” Voldemort cracked a grin. “I’m sure I would have loved that.”

“Definitely.” Ron said cheerfully. He took a sip of his tea then blinked, apparently surprised. “This is really good.”

“It’s a private blend. I have Severus make it for me, very soothing. Though, considering what a traitor he is I wouldn’t be shocked if it was poisoned.” Ron went ashen and set his cup down, blue eyes wide. Voldemort waved a hand dismissively. “I wouldn’t worry, Severus is much more direct. He loathes sneaky tactics like poisoning. He views it like stabbing someone in the back.” He paused. “It’s a wonder I never noticed he was a traitor. It seems too obvious in hindsight.”

“Right.” Ron said, picking up his cup again. He wasn’t a whole lot reassured, but Voldemort had been a very nice host thus far. “My mum would love to know what’s in this. My dad’s been really stressed out lately.”

“Well I’ll be sure to ask Severus, as long as he isn’t too upset about this torturing thing. You can never be sure how people are going to react to be horrible and slowly driven insane by bad fiction.” The evil ‘genius’ shrugged some.

“I take it you’ve tried this before?” Ron asked, eyebrow going up.

“Not personally, no. But I have a friend, Dr. Frank, who tried this. Didn’t work too well to be honest. Something about robots.”

“Robots?” Ron asked, blinking. Before Voldemort could respond Pettigrew scurried in, looking a little…upset to see Ron talking to his master.

“Master, aren’t you supposed to be punishing him, not treating him to your special tea and talking to him like he’s an equal.”

Red and blue eyes blinked at him then Voldemort shook his head. “Don’t mind him, he’s just upset because he’s never gotten any tea.”

“Jealous is he?” Ron smirked, apparently enjoying his little triumph over his former pet rat. Peter whined.

“I really think you should get back to the punishment, before they get comfortable.”

Voldemort sighed and stood up. “If it will get you to shut up Wormtail, fine. Please send the young Mister Weasley back to the manor will you?”

“Manor? So…there’s stuff other then the room and the theater?”

“Well…yes. As you’ve been such good company, I suppose it won’t hurt to tell you. You’re in the basement of one of my humbler manors, ten bedrooms at the most.” He fished a ring of keys from somewhere. “You’ll find these us I’m I’m sure.”

“Thanks.” Ron said, pocketing the keys. Pettigrew made a face from where he was fiddling with the controls then smirked as Ron was engulfed in silvery light. He vanished.

“Send a story while your at it.” Voldemort said, taking his seat again.

“Yes Master. Then, perhaps, I could have some tea?”

“Shut up maggot! Don’t ever ask me for anything! You must earn the tea!”

*The Manor*

Harry sprung to his feet as Ron materialized in the middle of the room. Snape barely glanced up from a rather thick book on forbidden potions. Draco was asleep on one of the couches while Seamus and Dean were…somewhere.

Harry wasn’t certain and he wasn’t making any judgments, but he was pretty sure they were curled up behind the couch asleep. Together. As in curled up together…but it wasn’t like he minded or anything…nope, not at all.

“You’re back.”

“Yeah.” Ron didn’t look too happy about that. “I didn’t even get to finish my tea. Stupid rat.”

“What?”

Ron raked a hand through his hair then shuddered as the light started flashing. “Never mind. We’ve got fanfic sign.”

“Yeah.”

Snape rose up and, after shoving Draco off of the couch rather rudely, peered behind the other one. He kept his face perfectly emotionless, as far as Harry and Ron could tell anyway, then reached down, presumably to wake the two sleeping Gryffindors.

The two boys sprang up, Seamus flushing darkly and Dean looking at his feet as if they were the most interesting thing in the world.

Snape looked towards the ceiling, as if asking for strength, then walked out. Seamus and Dean puttered after him, the former still blushing. Draco went next, grumbling insults at Snape in annoyance. Harry and Ron brought up the rear.

[They once again walk into the theater and sit in this order: Dean, Seamus, Ron, Harry, Draco, and Snape. Note there is an empty seat between Seamus and Dean.]

***Wild Child

Harry: Anyone want to take bets on who’ll be traumatized this time?
Ron: I think those two are overdue for some torture. *Looks at Seamus and Dean* They’re having too much fun.
Snape: At least they weren’t drinking tea with the Dark Lord.
Ron: …I was trying to get some information from him.
Snape: Five points from Gryffindor for being a liar.

***By ReddieJ
\"Hey, Hermione! Wanna see somethin REAL nice?\"

Snape: Like a G?
Draco: By nice do you mean small?
Ron: Fuck you.
Draco: Only in your wildest dreams Weasel.
Ron: *Twitch* Only in *your* dreams Malfoy. My nightmares on the other hand...
Harry: That’s really more then anyone needed to know.

***Ron came up behind Hermione in her Head Girl\'s room,

Seamus: Why couldn’t they just say in her room? And, on that note, how’d Ron get into without her knowing it.

***wearing a cloak and nothing more.

Draco: There’s a scary image.
Dean: I never took you for the flasher type.
Ron: *Blush* Yeah, well, I never took you for the type to snog behind a couch.
Dean: *Sinks low in his seat and, from our view, vanishes*

***\"Oh my god Ron, what\'s wrong with you?\"

Draco: It’s so small she has to ask what’s wrong? That’s sad.
Ron: …At least I’m not a racist.
Draco: …*Shrugs*

***Hermione couldn\'t stop giggling when he took off his robe and stood naked in front of her as he closed the door.

Draco: Must have been a real ego deflator for you to have the little Mudblood laugh.
Ron: Shut up! *Beat* And don’t call her that!

***\"We\'re seventh years! We have to give a good impression to the younger years, but what the hell, we\'re only young once!\"

Snape: I take it that was all one thought. I didn’t sense much hesitation on her part.
Harry: *Sigh* For a moment I could almost think they had Hermione done correctly, then…*makes gesture* Back into Slut-mode.

***At this last statement she disrobed and stood naked in front of an already naked Ron,

Seamus: Totally useless information. *Shakes head*

***who jumped on her and began fondling her insanely.

Dean: {As Hermione} Damn it Ron, I can’t breathe!
Draco: This is strangely reminiscent of the first story. Insane fondling…

***As they started get it it on, Harry walked into the room and his jaw dropped, hand in hand with Ginny.

Ron: Gah, no, not again! *Puts hands over his eyes*
Seamus: So Harry’s jaw dropped into Ginny’s hand? Or is that just a totally fucked up sentence.
Draco: The second one.

***\"Hey can we join you guys?\" Harry asked with a smirk and an eye raised up.

Snape: His *eye* raised? Did you take one of Mr. Longbottom’s potions?
Harry: That would explain it wouldn’t it?
Dean: You totally missed the faou jou just asked if you and Ginny could join Ron and Hermione didn’t you?
Harry: No, I’m just ignoring it in hopes that it will just go away.

***\"Harry I\'m not touching my sister!

Ron: Thank god, a me with common sense. …kind of,

***That\'s just gross ma- oh that feels good..ohhhh..\" Ron spat at him

Harry: Umm…okay. Why is Ron spitting? Because it sounds like he’s having a good time to me.

***as he was being licked by Hermione on his chest, who was now straddling him.

Snape: I’ve seen better grammar in papers from the Hufflepuff first years. *Muttering* Wouldn’t I wouldn’t give for some scotch.

***\"Fine, but I want some action with Hermione too ya know!\" Harry pondered for a moment

Seamus: …Pondered what? Whether or not he wanted action with Hermione? Whether or not they knew about his foot-long-thing…
Harry: No! Never mention that again! I’ll…I’ll kill you!

***as he was taking off his clothes, now fully naked,

Draco: He was pondering how he could be taking off his clothes yet be fully naked.
Snape: He was pondering the horrible tense use in this story.

***as Ginny ran out the room and came back a few seconds later with Parvati and Lavender.

Dean: It’s an orgy…Dear Lord, I hope I can get out of this untouched.
Harry: Orgy…*whimper*

***\"How about us then, Ron?\" Lavender winked at Ron who smirked evilly

Seamus: So Ron’s evil now? Did Hermione’s taunting send him to the dark side?
Ron: I am not evil!
Harry: I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you were evil. I thought we were friends.
Ron: But I’m not evil!
Draco: I wouldn’t be shocked after you spent all that time with Voldemort.

***and nodded towards them to come

Seamus: Somehow, Ron, I don’t think that’s how this works.
Ron: Shut it.

***to him. They both proceeded to take off their clothing as well and jumped on the bed with Harry,

Ron: So Hermione and I have managed to escape this den of horrors?
Snape: *Snorts* I wouldn’t get your hopes up Mr. Weasely.
Draco: *Muttering* I doubt this trash could get anyone’s hopes up.

***all fully naked, and engulfing themselves into each other.

Everyone but Snape and Draco: O-o
Draco: How many times have we seen the phrase fully naked thus far?
Dean: Wait…imagery issues…they engulfed each other? Does that mean it’s over?
Harry: *Shrugs* I don’t…know.
Ron: *Looks bewildered* What just happened?

***\"Oh this is just wrong.\" Ginny stated

Harry: I agree completely. How could they eat each other, even if this is a smut piece.
Ron: I still don’t get it!

*** as she ran back out the room. \"Gin, come back here sweetheart! I still love you!\" Harry yelled back at her, sucking eagerly on Lavender\'s neck.

Draco: Impressive, Potter has mastered the ability to lie through his teeth while sucking on a girls neck.
Harry: What’s impressive is how utterly ridiculous this is.

***Ginny came back in with Seamus and Dean

Seamus: *-*
Dean: …Shit.
Draco: *Snorts*

***and told them both to disrobe and join in on the fun.

Ron: I thought she said it was wrong. What changed her mind so quick?
Harry: Probably the same thing that changed Hermione. I think it’s a spell. We’ve all been cursed to have horrible sex for the rest of our lives.

***They smiled back at her and complied, then jumped on the already crowded bed and proceeded to fuck each other more.

Snape: It certainly wouldn’t be the first time. *Pointed look at Dean and Seamus who attempt to look innocent.*
Draco: So that’s what they were doing behind the couch. I knew it.
Dean: We were not! *Muttering* Not for lack of trying though.

***\"I think this is enough people for now.\"

Snape: For now? What an ominous phrase.
Draco: Like this writer knows what ominous means.

***Ginny said slyly as she took of her clothes, much to Ron\'s dismay,

Harry: How about everyone’s dismay?

***and jumped on top of Dean and began to fuck him on top.

Dean: *Blinks* What?
Draco: So…she’s a man too? Hum…I wish I could say I’m surprised you swing that way Thomas.

***The eight of them took turns fucking each other,

[Ron, Harry, Dean, and Seamus all shudder in horror at the implication.]

***all except Ginny and Ron because well, they are brother and sister after all, and found that it was just gross enough to see each other naked and fucking other people,

Draco: What, it’s an exclusive relationship Weasel?
[Harry ducks, just managing to miss being hit when Ron lunges at Malfoy. They vanish from sight but the sounds of grunts and curses make it plain what’s going on. Err…maybe not actually. They’re fighting. *Fighting* That’s it.]
Snape: Stop that this instant! *Beat* *To self* Who’m I kidding?
[Snape grabs each boy, presumably by their robes and storms out. Surprising enough the doors open.]
Dean: …So can we leave.
[Lightening streaks by, just missing Dean, who cowers]

***so they turned away and fucked their significant others, that being Harry and Hermione, respectively.

Harry: Wait…I thought it was an orgy? Everybody fucks everybody else? …
Dean: Don’t dispute it.

***For about an hour the mass orgy continued until the door opened, only to find Draco, who was Head Boy, standing there in utter shock by his presence.

Harry: So…Draco was utterly shocked by his presence?
Dean+Seamus: *Shrug*

***\"The FUCK is going on here?!?\" He shouted out at all of them, which caused them to all stop in their spots, Ginny straddled on Seamus,

Seamus: *Blinks* But I thought she was with Harry? And can I just say I would never do that? I value my life too much to even look at Ginny.

***Ron on top of and in Parvati, Lavender sitting on and in Harry with her back to him,

Dean: Does it really matter if her back was to him? I mean…just the uselessness of it all…

***and Dean over Hermione

Seamus: *twitch* Mmmm….
Dean: …I would never sleep with Hermione…you know that right? Right…
Harry: Is this like…a lovers squabble or something? Should I leave?

***who was bent over for his pleasure, all still scrunched up together on the large and very crowded bed.

Seamus: That is one big ass bed.

***\"Um, Malfoy, hi.\" Hermione squeaked at her fellow Head Boy.

Seamus: So…Hermione’s a Head Boy?
Dean: God, are all of the girls really men?
[Snape walks back in and sits down. Why he came back I don’t know…]

***\"You won\'t tell anyone will you? Please don\'t tell any of the professors

Snape: Please, if there is a god, don’t tell us. The psychitrist bill for Hogwarts teachers is already alarmingly high.

***...we normally never do this

Harry: {As Hermione} With so many people
Seamus: {As Hermione} Without locking the door
Dean: {as Hermione} Without inviting you.
[Draco screams from somewhere outside of the theater. Everyone turns to Snape, whose most likely smirking at this point.]

***....we ARE good kids!\"

Snape: By whose standards, Lockhart’s?

*** Draco smiled back at Hermione

Harry: wouldn’t Hermione have to be smiling at him for him to smile back? And isn’t Draco more prone to smirking at people anyway?

***as she said this and laughed. \"Fine, Granger, but only on one condition. You have to let me join of course.\"

[Once again Draco is heard screaming]
Harry: Just when you think it can’t get any worse.

*** Draco began to take off his robes and clothes and walked towards the bed.

Dean: Ten knuts the thing collapses.
Seamus: And ruin the ‘romantic’ mood? Hah. I hope you’ve got those knuts on you.

***\"Of - of course you can, Draco. Come on and join us.\" Hermione said nervously and smiled back at him. He tossed Dean to the side

Dean: I’d be mad but at least I’m getting away. Run away, fic!Dean, run!

***and whistled loudly, which caused Pansy to walk in,

Snape: I know Ms. Parkins resembles a dog, but honestly.

***who proceeded to take off her clothes after she closed the door.

Harry: MY EYES MY EYES!!!
Seamus: AHHHH!
Dean: *Puts his hands over his eyes* The horror, the horror.

**\"I get Granger first. You can have Pansy.\" Draco sneered at Dean, who just shrugged and began thrusting into Pansy

Dean: *Faints*
Harry: Oh my god, they killed Dean!
Seamus: Those bastards!

*** who was already lying down on the bed. Hermione took Draco into her, all the while Ron was staring at them in disgust.

Seamus: News Flash, I’m sure everyone present was disgusted, not just Ron.

***\"GET OFF MY WOMEN YOU FUCKING FERRET!!!\"

Seamus+Dean in unison: Bestiality!
Harry: Odd, I don’t think I’ve ever heard Ron say fucking before…
Snape: It’s odd no one came running to see why Weasley is screaming, considering how damn nosy everyone in that school is.

***Ron grabbed Draco\'s throat and began to strangle him hard. Harry and Seamus jumped to pull Ron back

Harry: Bullshit. I’d let Ron strangle him.

***and Draco laughed back at him.

Snape: I doubt even Mr. Malfoy would have a lot to laugh at after being strangled.
Harry: You never know, maybe Draco gets off on that type of thing.
Snape: …
Harry: …I’ll just be quiet now.
Snape: Greatly appreciated.

***\"You wouldn\'t want your precious girlfriend to get in trouble about this d yod you?\" Ron shook his head no and sighed and Draco asked. \"I didn\'t think so.

Snape: In no way, shape, or form was that a question.
Harry: And Ron is the jealous type, so yes, he’d let her get into trouble before watching her fuck Draco.

***Now where were we mudblood?\"

Dean: Oh yeah, that’s a turn on. I’d definitely sleep with someone who called *me* Mudblood.

***At this, Hermione grabbed his neck but Draco just smiled

Harry: See? I was right, he likes being strangled.

***and he tossed her off of him and warmed her again about not wanting to get caught.

Snape: At what point was she on him?
Harry: Warmed her about…what? That sentence makes no sense!
Seamus: I’m assuming they mean warn?
Snape: We really don’t care what the students do on their own time, at the most we’d give you all detention. You’d think Ms. Granger of all people would know that.

***\"Fine, you fucking nasty ferret.\" Hermione said angrily as she bent over for him and he thrust himself back into Hermione, who was screaming loudly in joy for him.

Harry: I think Hermione is bi-polar. First she was angry and now she’s screaming loudly in joy…Christ.
Snape: Christ has very little to do with hell-spawned story.
Seamus: It’s all so horrible.

***Ron sneered but proceeded on back to Parvati.

Seamus: Does anyone else think Ron really isn’t that upset about all of this?
Harry: You noticed that too?

***The ten of them now spent the next three hours fucking some more

Snape: *Dryly* To be young again.
Seamus: Three hours…I’m sore just thinking about it. *Shudders*

**, until they were dead

Snape: I’m not surprised.

***tired from it all and realized it was time for dinner. They all began to get dressed and walked down to the Great Hall. Draco and Pansy walked away from all the Gryffindor students towards the Slytherin table.
Before dinner was given, Professor Dumbledore walked over to the disgruntled Gryffindor students

Sn Why Why exactly are they disgruntled?
Harry: I’m starting to think the author is just throwing in random words to seem intelligent.
Snape: That would explain quite a bit actually.

***and whispered to them, \"You do realize we have spells in the Head Boy and Girl rooms that let the staff watch the students\' behavior don\'t you?\"

Snape: *Snorts* Just the Head Boy and Girls room? No one else’s? Are the supposed model students of the school monitored for any particular reason?
Harry: Of course. To monitor the weekly orgies.
Snape: Ahh…of course, what was I thinking?

*** Hermione and the rest of the jumped up and stared at the headmaster in utter shock.

Dean: *groggily* Because he was naked?
Seamus: …Eww! Scarred for life, I’ve been scarred for life!
Harry: So we ruined the effect of Dumbledore whispering by jumping up? Because if an entire table jumps up, obviously the rest of the hall is watching us. Hell, they watch me even when I’m not doing anything…

***\"Uh..you saw all of us, sir?\" Ron squeaked helplessly

Dean: Well fuck, if he hadn’t known we were all involved he sure as hell knows now doesn’t he?

***and they all were shaking in their seats.

Harry: Why? Dumbledore isn’t scary and I don’t think anyone’s ever been expelled for having sex.
Snape: Repressed lust.
Harry: For Dumbledore? That’s just…so wrong.
Snape: It’s all wrong Potter.

***Dumbledore sighed with a disgusted look and nodded slightly, then looked over to the Slytherin table where Draco and Pansy were sitting, who were looking nervously back at the headmaster and the Gryffindor students

Harry: Again, why? Like Dumbledore doesn’t talk to us all the time, why the hell are they nervous? I mean really.

***\"I saw all eight of you and Mr. Malfoy and Ms. Parkinson as well.

Snape: I always knew that old coot couldn’t count to ten.

***I would think you would know better than to do that Ms. Granger, and especially you Mr. Potter and Mr. Weasley, since you both have the Marauder\'s map, you would realize that there is surveillance in my office as well as the staff rooms.\"

Harry: Do we even have the Marauder’s map anymore? And why would he tell everyone about it? Never mind the fact the map sees people and places, not spells. This is all so…stupid.
Snape: I knew there was something suspicious about that map.
Harry: Uhh…bugger!

***Dumbledore said silently so that no one else around them would hear them.

Snape: He spoke silently?
Harry: That must have been scary for all of us.
Dean: Yeah, it would scare me a bit I have to say.

***Ron and Harry looked at each other wide-eyed and gulped, mentally asking each other how he would know about the map.

Snape: You and Weasely must know each other well if you can imply all of that.
Harry: I don’t think I like what you’re implying. Which is besides the fact everyone knows Dumbledore knows everything that goes on in Hogwarts, never once have I thought otherwise. I’m not surprised he’d know about the map.

***They looked back and Dumbledore who was now smiling wickedly at all of them.
ry: ry: o-O Scary image. Dumbledore and wicked don’t belong in the same sentence.
Dean: At least it was ‘lustfully’ or something like that.
Harry: Even scarier image, thanks.

***\"I suggest next time you not use to room for your..actions.\"

Snape: That made very little sense.
Harry: *nods*
Seamus: Would he rather we used a classroom or the hallway? Itot oot our fault the teachers are voyeuristic perverts.

***Dumbledore raised his eyebrow all of all them, who gulped in unison at him.

Harry: I still don’t get why we’re so damn afraid. We obviously aren’t in trouble. Embarrassed, yes, but scared?

***\"I will let Draco and Pansy know as well, but I\'m only telling you this because well...let\'s just say some of the teachers are a bit...deprived.\"

Seamus: I was joking! I didn’t mean it!

***Ginny shrieked and the other three girls felt sick. All four boys looked over to the staff table and were horrified by the smiles on the teachers faces towards them, especially Sprout, Binns, and Trelawney.

Snape: Binns is a ghost, and an old one at that, I doubt he can be…deprived.

***\"I\'m never going to class again, especially not that crazy bat\'s.\" Ron looked back at Trelawney, who was smiling and winking back at him.

Harry: I think…I am going to be sick. Now.
[Sounds of retching fill the theater.]
Snape: Perhaps you should leave Potter.
Harry: No, I can stick it out…I think.

***He stared back at Harry who was equally as scared and disgusted as Ron was, and nodded at his comment.

Seamus: What comment did Harry make?
Dean: I think…Harry’s the one nodding.
Harry: It just keeps getting worse.

***Dumbledore began to walk away from the table and towards the Slytherin table, where a few moments later they could hear Pansy shrieking loudly and fainting into Draco\'s arms.

Dean: I feel her pain.

***Dumbledore walked back to the staff table and began to laugh. \"I think we\'ve just about covered what needs to be set tonight. Well enjoy the dinner.\"

Snape: Now that four-fifths of the student body has been horribly confused by Dumbledore…

***The tables filled with food, and Hermione ran out, feeling extremely nauseous after seeing the food.

Dean: Sausages?
Seamus: Must have been.

***Ginny and Lavender weren\'t too far behind her.

Harry: Funny, you’d expect Parvati to be the first one out of there, not Hermione.
Snape: It’s all so impossible, why even bother picking out the little things anymore?

***\"Is this some sort of joke, Harry?\" Harry couldn\'t stop laughing, as well as Seamus and Dean,

Dean: We’re obviously hysterical.
Seamus: We’ve finally snapped. It was bound to happen.
Snape: Indeed.

***and even Parvati snickered a bit as they stared at the chicken legs, thighs, and breasts sitting on their plates. Harry looked back at Dumbledore, who was laughing with McGonagall.

Snape: Minerva? Laugh? Without being thoroughly drunk off her ass? Doubtful.
Harry: I would have thought she’d be outraged and giving us all detentions.
Dean: *Shrugs*

***\"Yeah, Ron, definitely one of Dumbledore\'s best jokes.\" Harry smiled.

Harry: Hah! This was so traumatizing I don’t think I’ll ever smile again. Ever.

***----- Yeah, I think I decided to be a bit weird and sick, but I hope you liked it. Just an odd sick thought

Seamus: Yeah, odd and sick about covers it.
Dean: Not to mention out of character, impossible, insane, and frightening.

***passing my mind. hope you all enjoyed, and don\'t forget to read and review as always! THANKS.

Harry: Enjoyed? *Falls over laughing*
Dean: Hum…I think he’s snapped again.
Snape: I’m not shocked.

Note: I’ll get to reviews in the next part, which is a interlude piece, but I figured you’d all been traumatized enough for one chapter. This was long, four-five pages, really bad, and…just…I never want to look at it again. *Shudders* It was all so horrible.

Oh, and I hate OotP. *Clutches Sirius Plushie*