First Love

TITLE: First Love

AUTHOR: Lady Sirius

PAIRING: SB/RL

RATING: NC17

FEEDBACK: darklove_zorg@yahoo.com

DISCLAIMER: Of course all rights to Harry Potter belong to JK Rowling - I would claim Sirius if I could (but alas this is not meant to be!)


DEDICATION: To my glorious, talented, wondrous and everlastingly sexy inspiration - Gary Oldman. And it is also dedicated to my good friend Kitty - she is the Remus to my Sirius in our rpgs, and has inspired me to write about their love.


Chapter Two - The Truth About Remus

I might have been one of the brightest wizards Hogwarts ever produced, but even I failed to recognize the truth when it appeared before my eyes.

The evidence was there before me, but I was too blind to see it. Until one fateful night, when I chose to see it.

After we came together for the first time, and discovered that we were in love, Remus and I spent a lot more time together, if that is imaginable, almost as if we were joined at the hip. James never suspected, for all his intelligence, and Peter was too busy being Peter, if that makes any sense - that boy was born to grovel. And he dogged James\' every footstep as if he was his damned shadow.

We attended all the same classes and I think Remus sometimes got annoyed with me for trying to distract him when he was doing his best to pay attention. Like the little notes I left in his pockets where I knew he would run across them in class while looking for something else. I would surreptitiously watch as he pulled out the little scraps of paper and read the message I had written, and the most beautiful smile would cross his face, and I knew how much he loved me. And in the evenings when he was trying to study in the library I would come up behind him, throw an invisibility charm about us and kiss his neck until he begged for mercy, or told me to go away. But he never meant it, and I never did.

But still there was that one time a month when he would disappear.

And the day after he would reappear, worn out and bruised, mostly keeping to himself. Which drove me nuts of course. The first time it happened, I made it a point to get him alone, and demanded to know where he had been.

\"Nowhere, love,\" he reassured me in his tired voice.

\"Remy, what is going on with you?\" I asked, trying to hold him close enough to look at his bruises, but he would have none of it.

\"Sirius, please!\" he frowned, \"I didn\'t feel well, and Madame Pomfrey gave me something. I\'m fine, really.\"

I could see that he was lying, and I was too immature to handle it well. \"Son of a fucking bitch, Remus John Lupin, why are you lying to me?\" I yelled at him. He winced, both at my tone, and at my words, but never gave an inch. Which only infuriated me all the more.

I grabbed his pale wrists, livid and painful looking, thrusting them before his face. \"Then how do you explain these? You don\'t get these by being sick Remy!\"

At that moment, James and Lily happened by. Lily was the best thing that ever happened to James, much as Remus was for me, and the two of them spent all their time together. Seeing what was happening, James grabbed me and pushed me away from Remus, forcing me to walk away with him, while Lily put a compassionate arm around Remus. She was always the kindest witch I have ever known.

\"What the fuck is wrong with you!\" James hissed at me angrily, trying to maintain some semblance of self-control. \"What are you doing to Remus?\"

I mumbled a few choice words under my breath - something that began and ended with fuck you - but he paid me no heed. \"Look,\" he said, calming down somewhat. \"I\'ve been worried about him too, wondering where he goes every month, but this isn\'t going to help any. Sirius, try to behave, for once in your life, will you?\" But the look he gave me was a compassionate one, belying his words, and I watched helplessly as Lily took Remus to see Madam Pomfrey, where he stayed for two nights, two very long nights. Which I spent watching him sleep from a corner of the infirmary, having \"borrowed\" James\' invisibility cloak. But James never said a word, although I suspect he knew, or at least had some idea what I was about.

The day after that he was back, as if nothing had happened. He found me alone on the quidditch field, after practice. James had run off to be with Lily, naturally, and I was just laying there, quietly, watching the clouds that floated overhead and seeing Remus\' face in all of them, when suddenly he was there beside me, and I looked at him, and my heart melted inside me. As it always did.

He smiled at me, that most beautiful and gentle smile, and he whispered, \"I love you Sirius.\"

How could I stay mad? I reached out and stroked his beautiful scarred face, and everything was all right again. At least until the next month.

That night, I waited til I sensed him leaving the dorm, pretending to be fast asleep, and not even asking my usual questions. Which shows how distracted he must have been, cause normally he would have seen through that right away. I gave him just a couple minutes\' head start before I rose and followed him.

Keeping close to the shadows, he made his way through the hallways of the school, with me in close pursuit. At first I thought he was going back to the infirmary but he steered his steps away from the hospital wing, and before I knew it he had pushed open the smaller entrance to the school, and was heading off into the grounds.

It was not hard to keep Remus in sight, even though he was trying not to be seen, for the moon was full above us. Should have been a clue, but it wasn\'t.

I thought he might be headed toward the woods, and I was concerned about this possibility, until he changed direction again. Was he going to see Hagrid, I wondered? At this time of night? That made no sense either.

And then he stopped by the Whomping Willow, and I could see he was going no further. I wanted to rush out and warn him to stay clear of that miserable tree - I was only too painfully aware of the strength of its woody touch. But he seemed in no danger as he immobilised the tree with a wave of his wand. And then to my amazement, he disappeared inside.

I rushed up to that wretched willow, determined to follow him. But no way could I see to gain entry and, frustrated, I kicked at the gnarled roots, only hurting myself in the process. Well, for damn sure I wasn\'t about to leave, not until I knew what my Remus was up to, make sure he was all right. I settled myself in the grass, watching the part of the tree where I had last seen my lover. And waited. And waited. And waited.

And fell asleep in the process.

The morning dew on the grass was wet against my cheek when I felt myself being shaken awake, and heard my name being called in a familiar voice. I opened my eyes, trying to adjust them, and seeing Remus\' handsome face brought an automatic smile to my lips.

\"Sirius, what in the world are you doing here?\" His voice was anxious, and very weary. I forced myself to wake up, clearing my head, as I sat up and took him in my arms. He winced slightly, but made no move to stop me. I tried to focus my thoughts as I held him. The last thing I remembered clearly was the full moon above me, casting its golden glow over everything around me as I lay in the shadows of the Whomping Willow.

And perhaps it was his nearness that did it, the intoxicating scent of him, or my mind began to unconsciously pull together bits and pieces of things remembered, connecting the whole into one coherent thought. However it happened, suddenly I knew what was going on with Remus with a startling clarity. I pulled back enough so that I could look into his beautiful eyes. And he knew that I knew. And he seemed saddened at the knowledge.

He sighed wearily, pushing me away as he attempted to rise, but I would have none of that, and I clung to him. \"What are you doing?\"

\"You obviously know the truth, so I\'m going,\" he said, \"before you tell me to go. I couldn\'t bear that, Sirius. Just please, please don\'t say anything until after I am gone? I want to remember us like this..\" And again he tried to push me away and get up, but I continued to clutch at him.

\"Tell you to go? Remy, what ARE you going on about?\" And I only held him all the tighter.

\"I think it\'s obvious. I can see it in your eyes. You know what I am. I ... am.. a ...werewolf.\" His eyes were filled with pain as they met mine, and I ached for him, for what he had to live with, and what he must go through on a regular basis.

\"Okay, you\'re a werewolf. Yes, I finally figured it out. Although you COULD have made it easier and just told me?\" I looked at him with an aggravated expression on my face.

\"How could I possibly tell you, love, and watch you turn away from me, despise me?\" My poor Remy\'s voice was low and anguished, and I felt him tremble in my arms.

There were so many things I wanted to say at that moment - I wanted to yell at him for even suggesting such a thing, remonstrate at him for his lack of faith in me, ask him where his trust in me was? But as I looked up into his woebegone eyes, I did none of these. Instead, I swept his lips up with mine and kissed him with a love that had only gotten stronger through the revelation of his true nature. I kissed him and I held him until I felt his shaking body respond to mine, felt him sigh into my lips.

When we paused for breath, I whispered, \"I love you, Remus. Nothing could ever change that, my love. You ARE my dearest love and always will be. And someday I will marry you, and all the world will know that we are together.\"

\"Marry you?\" He whispered back in a voice filled with emotion. \"Oh, Sirius, if that could only be......You know how much I love you. That would be..... But you know it can\'t.... the laws......it can\'t happen.\"

I shushed him with my lips again, kissing away the doubts. I knew what he was saying, and even I didn\'t know how that would be accomplished either. All I did know was that someday Remus John Lupin and I would be married. Of that I had no doubt. And in the meantime, I just needed to be with him, to feel his arms around me, and to love him, no matter what.

I also knew that I wouldn\'t let him go through his monthly change alone any more, not since I knew. And if I brainstormed with James and Peter, we would be able to figure out something. We always did.

We continued to sit there for a while longer, content to just be in one another\'s arms, until we went reluctantly back to Hogwarts, and I gave him over to Madame Pomfrey\'s care for the next two days. And as I sat near his bed and watched him sleep each night, I received the cutest smiles from him. And I was content.