Deathsong Balladeer

Disclaimer: Not mine! None of the characters are mine!

WARNING: SLASH! Of the not nice kind...

Dedication: To Kitten, for not being scared, and for Brendan for actually reading something with slash in it.

Author\'s Note: For reference, the sacral nerves are in the pelvic area. I used to not like the Snape/Harry pairing at all. Now I love it...they can be damn hot together. :-) I hope you all enjoy this one. Let me know if you do!

The Devils Lullaby

He already had the death collar out. He held it in his lap, his long fingers stroking the slick metal as thought it were a pet. He let it fall through his hands, sinuous and oddly sensual. It glinted in the firelight, and Snape let it caress his palm and wrists. He felt guiltily excited by the thought of it, the memories... Memories of Lucius Malfoy, tying him down, giving him the collar, entering him mercilessly. Lucius had never been gentle. He had been generous with teeth and nails, and sometimes knives...

//Do not think on that.// Snape pressed the cold coiled metal to his cheek, shivering slightly. //Put it away. Put it away and never look on it again. Do not do what you must tonight...//

Suddenly, the scent and taste of Harry Potter came rushing forward, assaulting Snape\'s senses. He could close his eyes and feel the boy’s skin against his lips, feel him tight around his shaft...

//You are a sick old man.// Snape did put the collar down, and took up the bottle of brandy. //And you are a drunken old man.// Snape took a long swig of the drink. He sighed, leaning back in his chair. He knew the boy would be coming soon. The boy. His lover. The boy. Potter. James\' son. Harry Potter. His lover...the words ran round and round in his mind, chasing each other through the dark recesses. Why had he done it? He had done many things he regretted, but none so much as taking Harry Potter\'s virginity. He shouldn\'t have asked. He should have gone to Weasley...better to first be intimate with your best friend then your worst enemy.

//And if they are one and the same...?// Snape sighed. He could remember the pain when Lucius first took him. The ripping, tearing, searing pain as he had thrust relentlessly into him. He had bit his neck, and gripped his waist, nails cutting into flesh. And then been disgusted by the blood...there had been a lot of blood. Harry had hardly bled at all. But Snape had bled as much from the scratches and bites as from the penetration....
e doe door creaked open. No knock. No announcement. Just the low whine of the heavy door swinging on its hinges, and the soft padding of slippered feet across the stone floor. He didn\'t need to turn to know who it would be. The boy. //Think of him as the boy. It is easier that way.//

He heard Harry come up behind his chair, breathing softly, not speaking. What could be said? Class had been....strange. Snape had for the most part ignored the boy. It was easier that way. He didn\'t want to look at him, and remember...

//He would look so beautiful, bleeding. Wouldn\'t you like to feel his blood on your fingers? On your tongue...//

Snape shuddered, wishing the voice in his mind to shut up. It sounded so much like Lucius...and no wonder. How many times had Lucius moaned over his blood? Dragging the blade across his skin, licking at the wound...

\"Severus.\"

His name. Why did the boy say his name? Did he have to be so intimate? He felt Harry\'s hand on his shoulder. He had said his name. He was no longer \'the boy\'. He was Harry. Lover. Snape felt his own hand reach up, to close over the soft, warm fingers on his shoulder. So smooth, so alive...He closed his eyes, allowing himself a moment of savoring the closeness of another human being.

\"Leave. Now.\" Snape whispered, fingers tightening around Harry\'s hand. \"Please...\"

\"I can\'t.\"

And Snape knew it was true. They were both bound, in so many ways. Bound together in hatred, circumstance, and lust. It would have been easier, had they not made love. //Made love? When has it ever been making love...it is something hot and hurried, to be feared, not savored.// He sighed, leaning his head against Harry\'s arm. His naked arm...Snape turned, and took in Harry\'s form. He was shirtless, wearing only a pair of loose fitting black pants. His hair was tousled, and he looked desirable and vulnerable in the violent light of the flames. A fallen angel, made dirty by the touch of the devil...

\"I do not wish to do this.\" Snape forced his voice to work, the words coming out a hoarse growl. Impulsively, irrationally, he pressed his lips to the tender flesh of Harry\'s inner arm, sucking at the succulent flesh.

\"Tell me about....your first time.\"

The words snapped Snape out of his haze. He flashed his ebony eyes up to Harry\'s. They were smoldering emeralds, glinting with sparks of red and gold. He wasn\'t wearing his glasses...

\"That is not something you want to hear.\" Snape said, softly. Harry trailed his fingers hesitantly along Snape\'s cheek, coming around to the front of the chair. His skin was kissed red with the fire, and he had a demonic air...he had looked so angelic a moment ago...

\"Please?\" His lips were parted and trembling, and he crawled into Snape\'s lap like a small child, his head resting against the older man\'s chest. \"I want to know. It\'s only fair...\"

\"Why do you ask these things of me?\" Snape groaned, closing his eyes against the raven wing softness of the boy\'s hair. He demanded so much, and yet Snape gave...why did he give? He gave no answer of course, neither did. \"You will understand if I do not disclose the name of my first lover.\" He would tell him. If only because he would listen.

\"You don\'t have to. Just tell me...what it was like.\"

\"It was painful.\" Snape admitted. \"You cannot comprehend it. You will, though. He took me, savagely. He tore the robes from my back, pushed me down roughly over a desk...it was right here, in Hogwarts.\" The Potions master\'s eyes unfocused, remembering. \"It dug into me, knocking my breath out of me. He didn\'t care. He dragged a knife down my back....right over my spine. The most effective place, the nerve endings, you see. It bled. He licked it....drew his tongue inside of the wound. It stung. And he bit the back of my neck and grabbed my waist and took me, with no preparation or warning. I felt as though I were being torn in half. It burned. I had not been put to the collar yet, and it was the most painful thing I had experienced. The edge of the desk bruised me with each stroke, and there was blood everywhere. From the wound on my back, the wound on my neck, and of course from the penetration. He...enjoyed the blood. His nails scratched me. He did it on purpose. He liked to hear me scream.

\"I couldn\'t walk, afterwards. I fell to the floor, gasping for breath, bleeding and sobbing. And he simply laughed...\"

Snape stared blankly ahead, past Harry to the flames. When had he opened his eyes? The memory was burned into him. He could feel it, as though it were yesterday. The pain, and the humiliation. Lucius had laughed. Called him weak...and that hadn\'t been the worst... Dear lord! Why were his eyes stinging the way they were? The fire must have been too high...

\"No one\'s ever loved you...\"

\"What?\" Snape set his mouth in a thin line, ignoring the way the soft, sad voice cut through him.

\"You\'ve never been loved. I\'m sorry.\" Harry wrapped his arms around Snape, his head resting against his chest. Unthinking, Snape put his arms around the boy, resting his head on the feathery softness of his hair, breathing in the clean scent. It felt good against his cheek, warm. His hands slid easily over Harry\'s bare back, the smooth skin lightly slick with sweat from the fire. His skin was warm, and Snape allowed his palms to run over it, tracing the muscles beneath it. He inhaled deeply, trying to drive memories of Lucius away with the reality of Harry. In his arms. Vulnerable...trembling...

\"I do not need you to apologize.\"

\"I\'m sorry for everything.\" Harry whispered, burying his head in Snape\'s chest. \"I\'m sorry you have to do this...to me. I know you don\'t want to. But we all have to do things we don\'t want to...we can...you know...before...\"

Snape had to bark out a laugh at Harry\'s innocence and naiveté. There was something refreshing about it. Fresh and light, and so far removed from everything else...

\"Do not feel obligated to...appease me.\" Snape said, running his hand through Harry\'s hair. It was so thick and lustrous...

\"What if I want to?\"

The question startled Snape. He regarded Harry with dark eyes, allowing no emotion to show on his face. The boy *wanted* to...be intimate? After the previous night? Was he not right in the head? His fingers were still twined in Harry\'s hair. He threaded them through the thick locks, his other fingers dancing along Harry\'s spine. He pressed fingertips to certain nerves, feeling Harry twitch and shudder on his lap. Harry\'s hands tightened on his back as he moaned. Snape\'s fingers were working magic on his back, dipping into crevices and fluttering over ridges...

\"We are not here for this...\" Snape sighed, kissing the top of Harry\'s head. Why? None of this was right...not the death collar by his side, nor the boy in his arms, nor the thoughts in his mind...

\"I know.\" Harry pulled away, swallowing hard. \"Do it.\"

Snape nodded, taking the cold metal in his hands. It was a stark contrast to Harry\'s heated skin. It suddenly felt very sickly. What had once been so seductive, so sensual, was now dirty. Snape wanted to fling it from him, and wash his hands till they bled. But he forced his hand to close around it, to slide the latch through the loop to from the noose which he loathed to slip around Harry\'s neck. The boy had his eyes closed, and his head titled backwards to allow the metal to slide around easier.

\"I am...so sorry...\" Snape\'s breath hitched in his throat as he tightened the coil around Harry\'s neck. The flesh there was so tender, so sweet...Snape could remember the way it felt beneath his lips...//Don\'t think on that. Do not think of him as a living being. Do not think of him as Harry. And for the love of all that is holy, *do not think of him as your lover!*//

Snape closed his eyes. He couldn\'t watch. His eyes did not want to know what his hands were doing. He visualized the musculature and nervous system of the human bodyind ind his lids, taking the loose tail of the death collar in his hand. He took a deep breath. He could offer no words now, his voice would not come. Gritting his teeth, and taking Harry\'s hands in his own, he sent the first wave of pain through the collar.

//Sciatic nerve....main nerve in the leg...just pain....stroke his palm while you do it, to counter...// Snape kept his thumb running lightly over a certain nerve in Harry\'s palm. He couldn\'t do anything else for him, not like this. He couldn\'t bring himself to. He heard the boy cry out, felt his hands twitch...and felt the liquid silver in his veins that was the death collar. It was fire and ice and it flooded his veins like the breath of God itself. He increased the flow of pain slightly, shooting it into the sacral nerves. He could hear his victim screaming, could feel them try and drag their hands away. He held tightly, thumb increasing its rhythm. Yes, that was it....make them want it. Make them beg for it...

\"Sev...Severus...\"

He dropped the chain as though it had bitten him. Sensation flowed away. It was like being suddenly swathed in a thick blanket, hot and dry and dead...Snape struggled to take a breath, his eyes flying open. Harry had fallen backwards, hands at his throat, tears flowing down his cheeks. Snape slid bonelessly off of the chair, reaching sluggishly for the collar. His fingers felt thick and meaty as he undid the latch, allowing it to slide away from Harry\'s throat.

\"I...cannot...\" He choked, allowing himself to slump to the floor. He would be all right, in a few minutes. He had to be. It was just...using it again, after so long. he closed his eyes, lying on the cold stone of the floor, hardly feeling it, and then Harry was there, lifting him up, holding him closely...

\"It hurt...\" Harry mumbled, and Snape tried to nod. //I told him....warned him....he made me....asked for it...all his fault...//

He lay there, shuddering, head in Harry\'s lap, until his breathing returned to normal. Slowly, something akin to sensation returned to his body. His limbs still felt heavy, but he could breathe normally.

\"I will not do that again.\" Snape said, harshly. He was still shaking. Harry was stroking his hair, and muttering things to him that he couldn\'t quite make out. \"As much for my sake as yours.\" He swallowed hard, his throat thick and dry. \"Ahem. Get up, The floor is no place to lie like this.\" He hated being harsh, but it was all he knew. He rose, unsteadily, and held his hand out to Harry. The boy took it, rising shakily to his feet. The collar lay on the floor, ignored by both. Not looking at Harry, he led him to the bed, easing him down onto the fur coverlet. Snape lay down next to him, closing his eyes anghinghing deeply.

\"How could you stand it?\" Harry asked, his voice so small and far away.

\"It was different, for me.\" Snape said. \"I do not wish to speak of it.\"

Harry nodded, and moved closer to Snape. The potions master took the boy in his arms, drawing him against his chest. He had no sexual thoughts now, he couldn\'t. His thoughts were confused ones, of emotions he wasn\'t used to feeling. Compassion....guilt....remorse.rrowrrow...he again kissed the top of Harry\'s head, oddly content to have him in his arms, in his bed.

\"Can I....can I stay here, tonight?\"

\"Yes.\" Snape drew the covers up over them, not bothering to take off his dressing gown. It wouldn\'t hurt him to sleep in it. Harry snuggled in closer, his arms snaking around Snape\'s waist. Tomorrow he would deal with whatever consequences this brought. But tonight, he would allow himself the luxury of sharing his bed.

...