Harry Potter and the Occidental Ranger

Chapter 2 Pain Awaits

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Rubberduck: Good hearing from you. Thanks for the review auggeuggestions. I regretfully posted that chapter much too quickly, and I\'ll go back and straighten things out. And yes, I had some free time on my hands so I thought I\'d do a quick \"comic book\" ending on book five. Though, I might rethink that.
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Long before break of day, Argus Filch found himself waiting outside the office of Dolores Jane Umbridge, High Inquisitor, and soon to be Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The High Inquisitor had insisted on the early morning meeting “to hash out some orders of the day”, she had told him earlier. After about an hours wait, the office door opened slightly and she called Filch inside.

“I trust you had a good night’s rest, Argus,” she said, pointing to a chair.

“Yes ‘em, Minister. A very good night, indeed,” Filch replied. “But these ol’ bones ain’t much fur rest, ya see.”

“Of course. I understand. I’ve had little rest myself, as of late. Very few there are who understand the great responsibility I bear. Nor are they the least bit appreciative of my unselfish contributions. Dreadful bastards!” Umbridge exclaimed, as she moved around her large desk. “I trust you’ll soon be ready to assume your new posting, Argus?”

“Oh, yes, ‘em. My, yes, indeed. I’ve been about checkin’ the equipment meself. All is ready, as you desire it,” Filch enthusiastically responded.

Umbridge powerfully yanked her chair from under the desk and sat down. “Excellent! Our dear Minister Fudge should be here this afternoon. He will relieve Dumbledore and hopefully have the criminal hauled right off to Azkaban for safekeeping. He will immediately put me in charge of the school and will reinstate the corporal punishment edicts of 1624. I expect you to be absolutely familiar with them before you begin your duties. The librarian has been ordered to have a copy ready for you this morning.”

“Ah,” Filch smiled deviously, “Ah’ve me own copy, ma’am. Oooh, yes,” Filch blurted out, hardly able to contain himself.

“Excellent, Argus. Then as soon as the order is signed, I want you to round up the two mischief-makers, Fred and George Weasley. They’ll be the first to feel the whip. You’ll need to set a fine example with them,” she ordered.

“On what charges, Minister?” Filch asked, squirming in his chair and flexing his fists.

“Never mind that,” Umbridge replied with a snear. “They’re both walking felons. Every time I see the scoundrels, I’ve the feeling they’re either going to or coming from the scene of a crime. I’m sure you’ve wished a number of times you’d have had them both in the stocks from the very day the redheaded cretins entered this school.”

“Yes, my, yes. They’s two most despicable types, they is,” Filch said, forcefully making himself grimace, while at the same time wishing he could jump up and dance a jig.

“And we’ve received a special request concerning the Granger girl. She’s to be removed from school as soon as Minister Fudge leaves this evening. Until she’s picked up, though, I’ll want her secured on one of your racks. You do have a rack?”

“One with a most noble past. Yes, I do, ma’am,” replied Filch, glad he wasn’t standing at the moment in front of the Grand Inquisitor, as she’d certainly notice the degree of excitement that bit of news had instantly given him.

“Excellent, Argus. Any questions?”

The ugly, filthy man licked at his putrid lips. “About the Granger girl, yes. Am I to have her long? Should I prepare her? It’d be no trouble, of course, ma’am,” Filch anxiously queried.

“Prepare her?” Umbridge confusedly asked.

“Yes, of course. It’s proper to disrobe those lashed to the rack, ma’am. I’d think it best,” Filch eagerly explained.

Umbridge smiled deviously and tapped at her desk with a pudgy digit. “Yes, certainly. If it’s proper procedures then - - - by all means. And we wouldn’t want her secreting away anything, either. She’s a most conniving girl. I’d expect you would be able to examine her professionally and thoroughly, Mr. Fitch?”

“Yes, yes! A thoroughly probing examination, that she’ll be needing, ah right,” Filch was beside himself.

Umbridge and Filch laughed out raucously. For obvious reasons, the man no longer minded coming to his feet. One might say the man had all too quickly attained nirvana.

The uninvited, unseen guest had also attended this early morning session and had been eagerly awaiting his orders, which soon were received but were not what he’d been expecting. From distant lands, he had just received instructions to return home. He didn’t understand them nor did he question them. It was not his decision to make. With a heavy heart, the intruder withdrew.

The last day of O.W.L.’s

Harry had been up for several hours. His nightmares had become horror shows. He was more convinced than ever that he was the snake at Voldemort’s side, doing his biddings and anxious to please the Master. His many evening sessions with Snape trying to become skilled at Occlumency had been stopped after Harry was caught intruding upon thoughts the professor had transferred to a Pensieve. Harry was now certain the lessons only made him more susceptible to Voldemort’s wish to absolutely control him.

The unexpected insight into Snape’s personal recollections of his youth, while attending Hogwarts, and the torment the young Snape had suffered at the hands of Harry’s father and Sirius, troubled Harry greatly. He couldn’t believe any of it could possibly be true. Harry was beside himself with grief and angst at a level he’d never known in his life. The only possible thing he could do was to talk it out with Sirius. He must know. He must find out the truth about his father - - - no matter the risk.

The last exam of the school year, History of Magic, was to take place at two o’clock. Soon after lunch, Harry urged Ron and Hermione up to the Gryffindor common room to inform them of Fred and George’s plan of action. Hermione liked to have laid an egg when Harry told them he was going ttemptempt to use Umbridge’s fire to connect with 12 Grimmauld Place.

“Are you crazy, Harry!” Hermione screamed. “You’ll be caught for sure. Don’t you realize Umbridge is just a breath away from getting Dumbledore kicked out of here? It’ll be all over for you too, Harry. It really will.”

“Calm down, Hermione. You’re ranting ain’t helping get this done. Can’t ya see Harry’s gonna do this no matter what you or me have to say ‘bout it?” Ron turned back to Harry. “What do ya wan’ us to do?”

Harry hesitated. He didn’t want to involve his friends again. They wcloscloser to getting canned than was Dumbledore. All Umbridge would need was one little excuse. “Naw,” Harry replied, shaking his head. “You can’t help me this time. Hermione’s right. The Toad is ready to can the three of us.”

Ron looked at Hermione and shook his head. “Don’t really give a damn if you want help or not. I’m going with you. You won’t be stopping me, you won’t.”

“Ron!” screamed Hermione. “No! You two can’t do this.”

“It’s already settled, Mione,” Ron said. His eyes flashed with determination, fixed with purpose.

“Then I’m coming, too,” Hermione replied with the same resolve.

Harry reached out and grabbed her. “No, Hermione. We won’t be needing you anyway. There’s no reason for you to be involved. Ron and I can handle it.”

“No you can’t. You’ll have your head stuck up Umbridge’s fireplace. Ron will have to be out along the corridor. That means I’ll have to be at the door watching you and Ron. How else could he tell you she was coming?” Hermione rightfully concluded.

Harry saw the truth of it. He’d be helpless and totally defenseless stuck halfway into her fireplace. “Damn!”

“Yeah, damn!” Hermione exclaimed. “I swear, Harry. Sometimes I don’t think you’ve got a working brain cell in that head of yours. It’s settled then. Now go up and get your invisibility robe and that knife Sirius gave you. We’ll get this done. But we won’t have more than ten minutes to do it.”

Harry almost flew up the stairs to his bedroom. He quickly stuffed the robe and knife into his bag. It was time to find Fred and George. All they’d need was a nod to know it was still a go.

As it was stilmostmost an hour before the last exam began, the three had more than enough time to locate the twins. They found them, as expected, scoping out the corridor outside Umbridge’s Defense Against the Dark Arts class.

“We still on, Harry?” Fred asked.

“Yeah. You sure this is gonna work? You guys ain’t gonna blow the friggin’ school up are ya?” Harry asked. George was giggling so hard he couldn’t talk, which was a first.

George’s snickering was contagious. Fred started to reply but couldn’t control himself either.

“ the the hell you two going to do this time?” Ron asked.

“Their going to give the Toad quite a start,” Harry answered.

Fred finally caught his breath and composed himself. In less than a minute, he and George hilariously explained what they expected to happen to Miss Toady. Hermione was furious but uncharacteristically held her breath. She simply starred at the ground and shook her head.

“You knhe bhe both of ya’s gonna be expelled, don’t ya,” said Ron.

“Yeah, ain’t it great!” replied George.

Fred smiled at his twin then winked at him. “Yeah, it’s fuckin’ time we get on with our little business enterprise anyway. School’s been a pain,” Fred added.

“Ya got plans to leave right afterwards, then?” asked Harry. “If you don’t, I imagine Umbridge’ll do her damn’dest to have you hauled off to Azkaban.”

“No sweat, Harry. We’re outta here!” Fred exclaimed.

“Mum’s gonna kill the both of ya!” Ron almost screamed out.

George quickly threw an arm around Ron’s neck and gave it a good wrench. “Guess dear ol’ Mum is gonna have to get used to the idea, Little Bro.”

“Yeah! Besides, when has she ever been not pissed off at us? I expect deep down in her motherly heart she’s probably thankful we ain’t bslamslammed in Azkaban yet, anyway. Hell, I’d imagine she’ll be glad to finally get a little peace and quiet from the year how howlers she’s had to send our way,” Fred said with a big grin.

“Okay, then,” said Harry. “We’ll be waiting to hear the Atomic thingy go off before we make our move. I damn sure hope it works.”

“Never fear, Harry. It will be grand, I tell ya,” George said, giving Harry a wink.

Harry, Ron and Hermione took off at a run toward their lasam oam of the school year. Harry was disturbed at the thought of seeing Fred and George leave school before they could have graduated, but they seemed pretty much okay with the idea. His mind had to soon change gears, though, as he took his seat in the History of Magic class.