Revenge 2: Hell Hath No Fury Like A Hermione.

Still owning not a lot. Especially anything you recognise.

*

‘Iiiiiiiiiiii get no KICK from champagne, mere…eh.. whadda words ‘gain? Aaaaah, ‘member now, mere alcohoooool jus’ don’ frill… frill...’ bugger, can’ say stupid word, sure English language wasn’t this difficult this morning, wait, might have got it… ‘THRILL me!’

Must have drinkie to celebrate getting evil horribly complicated and extremely deceptive word out. Am shexy, histhisticated young womho cho can handle her drink completely, and alsho responshibly.

Oof. Really must remember to move coffee table closer to sofa to avoid potentially embarrassing ‘falling off sofa’ situation. Hmm. Not sure why I am on floor, but Chloe has very interesting socks on.

Also appear to be out of vodka. Glare suspiciously at Chloe, cow must have been drinking it when I washn’t looking. She always does this. Ok, right, I can bloody well vanish a hippogriff if I wan’ to, can bloody well transfigure one clear substance to a slightly more alcoholic clear substance. Peer viciously at a glass of water that’s currently sitting on the coffee table.

‘Gerroff…’ I mutter, shaking off hand that has suddenly wrapped round arm.

‘Hermione, don’t you think you’ve had enough?’

Glare is spoilt slightly by the fact Ginny keeps swaying. Is conspiracy, trying to convince me of my drunkness. ‘Stop moving!’ I protest.

‘Okkkkkkay,’ Ginny glances at Chloe. ‘I think you’ve had enough, and I think it might be time for you to stop now.’

‘No! You’re a mediwitch… alcohol is good for shocks.’

‘I’m a trainee mediwitch. And I think you’ll find its brandy, that’s good for shocks, very small amounts of brandy, not an entire family sized bottle of vodka.’

So what? Brandy works for some, and well vodka definitely works for me. Am still attempting to transfigure glass of water. Currently have several penguins sitting in a bewildered manner on the coffee table thanks to my efforts.

Peer up through fringe at my traitorous housemates. So called friends indeed. Huh. ‘Why are you two not drinkin’?’

‘Um,’ Chloe glances at Ginny, and then desperately grabs a random bottle of red wine. ‘We are, see!’

Would be rather more effective if she didn’t wince as she swallows. Chloe attempts to make subtle gestures to Ginny to take the bottle.

Am allowed to get pissed. After all, not everyday your bastard boyfriend cheats on you…

Sniff.

*

Feel much better now entire household has joined in with binge drinking session. Nuffing can’t be solved by huge drink.

‘I want to make a speech!’ I suddenly declare, clambering onto perilously wobbling sofa.

‘Speech! Speech!’ See, Chloe and Ginny have gotten tang ang of this now. They are looking at me eagerly as if I am about to make speech to rival Martin Luther King’s. Although, hopefully, no one will shoot me. Though you never know… What profound words of wisdom are about to escape my lips? What exquisitely intelligent statement am I about to make?

‘Severus Sergei Snape, is a cheating, lying… big nosed…’ really struggling for coherence here… ‘cheating…’ nope, said that already, ‘um, student groping…’

‘Yeah!’ Chloe cheers, interruptmy rmy rapidly running afromfrom me train of thought. ‘Severus Snape’s a cheating bastard! All men are bastards ’cept my Ron though. My Ron’s lovely.’ Chloe’s rapidly going misty eyed.

‘Only because he barely has two braincells to rub together.’ Ginny’s tone is rather tart.

‘That’s my bloke you’re talking about!’ Chloe frowns springing to her ginger boyfriend’s defence.

‘Yeah, but he’s my brother, and much as I love him, he’s as daft as a hedgehog.’

‘True.’ Chloe looks thoughtful.

There really is no denying that. Much as I love my mate, I can’t deny the hedgehog comparison. Suddenly remember was saying somefink very important. Now what was it again… oh yes!

‘Oi! This is my emotional crisis here. It’s my bloke who’s the issue!’ Waves hands and arms around flamboyantly disturbing settling penguins.

‘Very sorry, ‘Mione,’ both women adopt suitably hangdog expressions.

‘Better!’ Remove random penguin from foot. ‘Now. Severus has been found guilty of the most bastardly crime ever, cheating on his girlfriend, me, with a younger woman. Or more accurately, a stupid little hair flicking, not to mention, Slytherin bitch. He must be…’ Dramatic pause… ‘Punished!’

‘Oh Merlin, not again…’ I hear Chloe mutter. Tactfully decide to ignore it.

Ginny is far more enthusiastic about the idea. ‘Yeah! Punish him! Bastard!’

‘The question is…. how?’ Successfully manage tise ise one eyebrow, feat which would never haven acn achieved if was sober.

Ginny’s eyes light up ‘We could always remove his…’

‘Already thoughtit.’it.’

‘Oh,’ disappointment is clear on my darling friend’s face. ‘What about if we did it with a rusty…’

‘And thought of that...’

‘Ah crap.’

Decide to sprawl comfortably on sofa. Funny, don’t remember the carpet being this thick, but tis very nice to wiggle one’s toes in.

‘Everything was perfect, you knowveryverything. We were happy.’

‘Like me and Remus,’ Ginny sighs happily.

Thankfully Chloe elbows her in the ribs before I can throttle her. ‘Anyway,’ I throw her a poisonous look, ‘We were happy. Good conversation, shared sense of humour, bloody fantastic sex, believe me, the man can do more with his tongue than just spit barbed comments at students…’

‘Hermione. We know. Every time you get pissed, you tell us. It’s traumatising. He used to be our teacher, you do know that don’t you? He used to be our evil, sarky, git of a potions master.’

‘Used to be mine too.’

‘Yes, but we didn’t end up shagging him.’

‘I bet bloody Cassandra Simmerson is going to be shagging him now.’

Oh dear, the wailing has begun again. Must get this under control before I decide to re-enter society.

‘Ok,’ Ginny is back in practical mode. ‘What didn’t you and Severus have? What was the one thing that wasn’t a bed of roses?’

Sniff pathetically. ‘Nope, nothing, it was perfect.’

‘Oh come on. No relationship is perfect. Remus snores like… well, he snores like an asthmatic werewolf. He’s so not perfect.’

‘Ron is terrible at expressing his feelings.’ Chloe adds, looking at me expectantly.

‘Well… Sev has… had a real issue with commitment.’

‘What do you mean?’ Ginny is suddenly alert.

Can feel self blushing. ‘Well, you know, we talked about our future and stuff, but he didn’t really want to make plans for it…’

‘Such as?’

Can feel humiliation being almost comple ‘He ‘He didn’t ever want to get married. Not to me, not to anyone. Said being under the thumb of the Dark Lord for so long had put him off that level of commitment forever.’

‘Didn’t want to get married, huh?’ Ginny has leant down and is currently rubbing something dark and soft between her fingers.

‘Nope. I mean, its not like I wanted to get married, it’s not like I was leaving Cosmo Bride
Ginny is looking more and more devious. Is something about being the youngest sister of so many brothers that has warped her mind into something that can always come up with the most evillest plans. She is most definitely Fred and George’s baby sister.

‘Ok. So marriage. We marry Severus off. We force him into a situation, where marriage is the only option.’

Even through drink addled brain can see that this is not a good idea. Suddenly have a very bad feeling…

‘I am not pretending to be pregnant again!’

Am most indignant. However, am also being ignored.

‘Chloe?’ Ginny asks softly. ‘Who does this hair belong to?’

‘Hair?’ Chloe glances around at the soft piles of thick dark hair. ‘Oh that, that’s my cousin Delphine’s. I often cut her hair for her; she doesn’t quite trust magic after a little bit of an accident a few years back.’

‘Ooh, what happened?’ I ask eagerly.

‘It doesn’t matter!’ Ginny snaps sharply. Sit back shocked, she can be quite scary when she wants to be. Shut up immediately. ‘So where is Delphine now?’

‘Oh, she’s off collecting rare plants in Switzerland. She works with the magic in the earth and the plants.’

Chloe’s family were a well known clan of Earth Healers. Was only natural that one of Chloe’s cousins would be doing something interesting with plants.

Ginny seemed rathetrigtrigued by all this.

‘Gin, what are you thinking? And where does Chloe’s cousin’s hair come into it?’

‘You caught Severus with another woman, right?’ Ginny’s voice is low and dangerous. ‘Well short of causing his physical pain, there’s really little you can do but let go of the relationship with dignity.’

‘I was hardly planning on going crawling back to him.’

Um, come to think of it, that was exactly what I was planning to do. Damn it, am such a weak woman when it comes to that man…

‘’Mione. We’re going to set up Severus with another woman.’

‘WHAT?!’ Manage to kick a penguin as I jump up from the sofa in a rage. ‘No fucking way! No, no, no, no, no, no! I am not going to sit here while some tart seduces MY man!’

‘Shut up, ‘Mione. And just listen. You know Severus. You know his every like, his dislikes, his tastes, his preferences in everything from music, to literature to the bedroom. We’re going trap him into falling for his perfect woman, and he’s going to propose to her. And she’s going to hurt him, like he hurt you.’

Ginny can be lethally persuasive when she wants to be.

‘I don’t get it…’ I whisper, feeling the vodka rapidly wearing off.

‘I’ll explain later. Just… start gathering up hair, ok? Chloe?’

‘What?’

‘Delphine’s pretty, isn’t she?’

‘Gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous. Comes from the attractive side of the family.’

Raise eyebrow at this, Chloe is one of these elvin types that have cheek bones you could slice vintage mature cheddar on. Can only imagine what Delphine loo look like then…

Ginny is muttering to self as she gathers handful of hair and stuffs it into a velvet bag that looks suspiciously penguin shaped. ‘… all we need to do is persuade Hooch that she needs some time off, a break away from Hogwarts…’

‘Hoochie? What about her? You can’t get her involved in anything, she was in a major Quidditch…’

‘Accident today, yes I know, I was the one who had to treat her when you didn’t come back… not that you didn’t have your reasons to.’ Ginny adds quickly seeing the look on my face.

Sudden knocking on door makes us all jump. Is dark outside already, but a softly glowing lantern was revealing the silhouette of a tall, thin figure outside through the glass panelled door. Freeze immediately, would recognise those shoulders anywhere.

‘Oh, Vivien, no,’ I whimper. ‘Tell him to go away, I can’t cope with this now.’

‘No worries.’ Chloe places a reassuring hand on my shoulder as Ginny heads to the door. The sight of her bending off to shout through the letterbox would usually raise a smile to my face, but can feel already broken heart threatening to shatter into further pieces.

‘Bugger off, you spineless sod!’ Ginny howls through the letter box. ‘Just fuck off and leave her alone! Haven’t you hurt her enough today? Or are you just coming back to drive in the final nail in the coffin?’

‘I will speak with no one but Hermione, Miss Weasley, so will you kindly get her for me!’ Can hear the strain in Severus’s voice as he struggles to keep in control. It seems he’s losing the battle.

‘Don’t you ‘Miss Weasley’ me, you cheating fucker! You’re not my teacher anymore, and you’ve hurt my best friend! If you think I’m going to let you within a thousand miles of her, you’ve got another thing coming!’

Ginny appears to have inherited Molly’s ability to defend her brood with all the rage and passio a l a lioness protecting her cubs. Only, in Ginny’s case, it’s her friends, not children that ll dll defend to the death.

‘I will not conduct my affairs through a letter box, Miss Weas… Ginny! Let me speak to her!’

‘No, you won’t conduct your affairs through a letter box, but in your classroom is perfectly acceptable, you git!’

Can actually physical hear Severus struggling with his temper. Am having to hold onto Chloe in a death grip to stop myself from running out and throwing myself into his arms.

‘Hermione!’ he yells. ‘Hermione! Please, just let me explain!’

‘No!’ I scream, slamming my hands over my ears. ‘Leave me alone!’

‘Hermione! Please, I can hear you! I know that you’re in there, please, just talk to me, five minutes, please, if I mean anything to you, please, just let me explain.’

Bastard. Manipulating, disloyal, blackmailing, git! How dare he suddenly learn how to use the word ‘please’ now? How dare he try to emotionally blackmail me? How dare he? When he knows that I adore him, that I love him, that I’d do anything for him. Gods, I never thought anything could hurt this much.

Can’t cope anymore. Manage to stumble across room, and to the stair case, dashing upstairs as quickly as my vodka swamped body will allow.

Bugger, in my haste forgot that my bedroom faces the front of the house, and just happened to be directly above front door. Of course, ex lover bat knows this, and is doing a fantastic impression of Remus on a full moon by hog upg up at me.

‘Hermione!’

‘Sod off, sod off, sod off, sod off, sod off…’

Apparently burying head under pillow is not working. Can still hear him shouting up at me.

‘Oh, for fuck’s sake…’ There is a ripping sound from outside. Run across room, and fling open window to find Sev has given up impersonating Remus and has moved on to his best ‘Romeo’ – he’s currently attempting to scale the honeysuckle that gives the cottage its name.

‘What the hell do you think you’re doing?’ I scream at him. ‘Do you know how long that stuff takes to grow?’

‘No, I don’t, and I don’t fucking care either! I teach potions, not herbology!’

‘That’s not all you teach in your potions classroom, is it? Since when was Kissing and Groping 101 on the National Curriculum?’

‘It’s not what you think. Shit!’

Peer out to see him hanging off honeysuckle, clasping a huge branch of it in one hand and holding on for dear life with the other.

‘So what am I supposed to think? That’s you weren’t groping the Headgirl? If I knew you were into school girls, maybe I’d have tried it on when I was Headgirl! Save all those wasted years of trying to impress you!’

‘Hermione, will you take this seriously?’ There is a pause as he stares at me, eyes blacker than ever in the dim light. ‘Are you drunk? Have you been drinking? I am not going to discuss this while you’re as pissed as a blast ended skrewt. ‘Oh ‘Oh, I’m sorry! Circe forgive me for having a few drinks after I discover my lover is a lying, cheating swine! You are not going to pin the blame on me for this one, you bastard!’

‘You’re drunk. You’ve been drinking vodka. I can tell. You always get particularly vicious when you consume that rotgut.’

‘Fuck off!’

‘Hermione Granger, I am attempting to hold a mature and sensible conversation with you, to discuss the current crisis in our relationship. I will not do this while you are a.) drunk, b.) acting extremely immaturely, and finally c.) not while I am hanging onto a rare species of magical honeysuckle which only grows in Hogsmeade.’

‘Good! I’m glad it’s magical. I hope it bites you in all sort of intimate places!’ StopStop being so sodding immature about this all, and let me in, so we can hold a reasonable and rational conversation.’

Immature am I? You’ve just made a very big mistake, my dear potions master. One hardly thinks you can call me immature when you were wrapped round a student today. One who has yet to turn eighteen.

Glance round room in an idle manner. Notice wastepaper basket in corner. One flick of the wand later, I have exactly what I want. A lovely old fashioned metal bucket. One must never say the bucket is half empty… believe me, in this case, its more than half full.

I wouldn’t say pouring a bucket of ice cold water over Severus Snape’s head was immature… In fact, I would say it was entirely justified.

No, dropping the bucket onto his head afterwards was the immature part.