Dirty Deeds II

22nd February

The visit to my parents was nowhere near as horrible as anticipated. Severus was civilised as only he knows how ie no sneering, no sarcasm, and making horribly polite chit chat about things. Only one or two minor hitches – like the wedding, how we are going to get my muggle relatives to wherever it is going to be held, not to mention explaining all the weirdly dressed people.

I’m wondering if we can get away with it if we say it’s a themed wedding and all of my friends at LoTR fans? Dear god, how absolutely naff. Bung Albus in white and he’s a dead ringer for Gandalf; and I expect he’ll still expect an invitation.

Tosser.

Severus, bless his little cotton socks, was worried that he was going to be separated from his clothes – in a non-shagging sense – and placed into Muggle attire. Couldn’t imagine it being conducive to a comfortable Severus, and an uncomfortable Severus is a Severus who gets aggressive and bad tempered. More aggressive and bad tempered.

Ordinarily have no objection to this as long as it isn’t directed at me.

Now that seen him at close quarters am a connoisseur of Severus’s strops. Can spot the difference between ‘I’m bored and I want someone to pick on – ah, there’s a Gryffindor’ and ‘someone has done something really stupid and I want someone to pick on – fuck, it’s a Slytherin’ and ‘Albus has just climbed onto my mammaries – I’ll pick on anyone at all, be it man, woman, or beast’ and my own personal favourite ‘I’m putting the fear of Severus into you bunch of spotty teenagers so I can spend some time in peace and quiet with my girlfriend’.

So, flooed to the house – parents still not happy with my popping out of nowhere, so apparating out of the question – Severus grumbled a bit but I suspect he preferred the drama of floo. Suspicions confirmed when he added sound effects to his arrival in the form of a thunderclap.

He’s never going to get rid of the need to intimidate people when he’s feeling nervous.

And why should he? After all, it can’t be denied that it’s a technique that works. He made it through the war largely unscathed; he gets his own way most of the time; he doesn’t spend his Friday nights helping the kiddies master lessons they could perfectly well learn from books if they could ever get over their bibliophobia long enough to actually open one.

Time that could be much better spent pandering to my whims; or me pandering to his whims. It all depends.

Mumsy had done her job well; Dad said nothing other than hello and how are you, though you could see hot words trembling on his lips about older men and former professors. Severus could tell, of course, which made him poker up and could see disaster looming. Fortunately, Mumsy was all warm and welcoming – she used to like Dracula films when she was younger, I think she could see Severus’s attractions very well indeed – and he thawed a bit before things got too sticky.

Didn’t think that my parents were likely to see the funny side of being on the wrong end of one of his sneers. And would be deeply concerned if either of them thought he was sexy as a res

Ew.

Clean mind out with soap and water.

Things went better after that. Quickly sat at the table, and lunch started. As always Severus enthusiastic about trying new dishes. He even complimented my mother on her cooking – M & S were actually responsible, which didn’t prevent her taking the credit. She can cook, but her view is that life is too short to spend your time with your hand up a chicken’s arse.

Actually, she says bum; I’m the one who says arse. It’s a good point nonetheless.

It’s where I got my cooking skills from. It’s not that we don’t appreciate fine food; it’s just that we appreciate it more when it is cooked by someone else.

Lunch was quiet, after all it’s difficult to chat when eating. So conversation necessarily limited to catching up with family events – Severus valiantly tried to work out the family tree, these purbloods take that sort of things seriously – a bit of politics and a bit of sport. Severus mildly bemused by passionate discussion of football tactics, using condiments to illustrate the point. Dad is fusty traditionalist and sticks to 4-4-2; I can see the benefits of 3-5-2 on occasion.

The boys never understood that the reason I didn’t like Quiditch had nothing to do with a general dislike of sport at all; Quidditch just plain silly. Football is tacti ski skilful, exciting, fast and all the things they allege about Quidditch, only better.

It’s a good job the World and European cups were in the summer holidays. Ah, Shearer. My Hero. You could always rely on him to discreetly elbow the opposition in the throat when rising for the ball at er enr end of the field.

Dad invited Severus to a football match one weekend, and was pleasantly surprised when he agreed.

All going well so far, until discussions moved onto subject of wedding.

When?

Undecided – six months probably.

Where?

Malfoy Manor.

Could see Dad was itching to ask who was paying. Had explained Muggle tradition of bride’s father paying for everything to Severus. When he stopped laughing at the oddity of the idea, he informed me that he was going to pay for everything. Of course, what he means is stick Lucius for as much of the bill as possible. Although with house elves, it’s not likely to be that much, is it? Might feel guilty otherwise. Not guilty enough to chip in, but mildly guilty.

Could look on it as war reparations I suppose.

So explained that friend was going to give us the wedding as a sort of present. He doesn’t know it yet, but that’s what we researchers like to call a trifling error in detail.

Ah. And just who is this friend?

Lucius Malfoy.

The one you described as wholly evil and anti-muggle.

That’s the one.

Right.

Could see parents exchanging worried looks. How do you explain Lucius to them? Yes, he’s bad, but he’s also one of Severus’s oldest friends, and he’s unlikely to revert to muggle hating type in the middle of my wedding.

Not and live to tell the tale.

Can you imagine Lucius’s face when he hears that not only does he have to cater to the cream of the Wizarding World, but also 300 muggles? Judging from the smirk on Severus’s face, he could imagine that expression all too easily.

Just told parents that Lucius was supposed to be reformed, and that not a problem. Can rely on Lucius’s charm to make things right when they meet. Must tell Lucius not to make a pass at mother, although suspect Ginny is keeping him on the straight and narrow by now.

Adjourned to sofa in lounge for tea and cake, and was agreed that matter would be raised with Lucius, Mumsy would begin preparing a list of guests, and she suggested that I should start looking at Bridal magazines for ideas for wedding.

Love the thought of Mumsy and Lucius in discussions over colour of roses etc in muggle magazines. Severus lips twitching so he’s highly amused as well.

Issue of bridesmaids then raised – Ginny for one, not sure about anyone else. Maybe Minerva as maid of honour? Cousin Elizabeth wilst hst have to get over her disappointment.

By end of discussion was strongly tempted to tell family that decided to elope to the Caribbean. Oddly enough when mentioned this as a solution to Severus he was against it. It seems he wants a huge wedding. The bigger the better.

Now, what Severus wants Severus normally gets, but why on earth has he suddenly decided that he wants a big wedding?

Shall have to think on this – potential disaster brewing – don’t think will be possible to simply sit back and let Lucius and Mumsy do the hard work.



Cultural Notes: M&S – Marks and Spencer: muggle supermarket; does lots of high class gourmet meals you can pass off as your own;

Strop / stroppy – throwing your weight around, tantrum for grown – ups

Shearer – I thought it would be amusing to see Severus at a football match, you might consider it mildly ooc for Hermione but football, especially the European and World cups does tend to bring the entire country to a stand still. Alan Shearer was the centre forward for England for a very long time, and was worshipped like a god (and still is in Newcastle, where he still plays club football). If anyone was in danger of incipient godhood under the De Minimis rules it would have been him.