The Worst Kind of Nightmare

The Worst Kind of Nightmare

The Worst Kind of Nightmare

Chapter Three: Exhaustion

Author: Prongs

Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns all things 'Harry Potter.'  

A/N: Thank you SO much to everyone who reviewed or commented on the first two chapters.  I really appreciate all of the feedback!  Thank you for answering all of my questions, too.

~*~

James continued to hold Sirius for nearly half an hour.  Eventually, Sirius stopped crying, but he didn't let go of his boyfriend.  

"I love you so much," James whispered.  "I'm so sorry I got mad at you earlier, Siri.  Please forgive me.  Please.  You mean thrld rld to me."

Sirius pulled back from James slightly and sadly looked at his boyfriend.  "I don't want to talk about it right now," Sirius said, sniffling.  

"I understand," James replied quietly.  "If you want me to leave, I will."

"Do you want to leave?" Sirius asked with tears forming in his eyes again.  He felt exhausted and far too emotional at the moment.  All he really wanted to do was try to forget his troubles and fall asleep in his boyfriend's warm embrace.

James stared at Sirius with hurt evident in his hazel eyes.  "I want to stay with you, Sirius.  I never want to leave you.  After the way I treated you, I'll understand if you'd rather me leave, though."

Sirius shook his head and stood up.  "I'll be right back," he whispered as he walked into the bathroom.

James sighed and buried his face in his hands.  He still couldn't believe what was happening.  He wanted to kick himself he ahe arse a million times for his treatment of Sirius.  He didn't even let Sirius explain anything!  He just ran his fucking mouth and aed hed his lover of being a whore.  

"Gods, I'm an idiot," James muttered as he lifted his head.  "I am a complete and utter fucking idiot."

"I agree," Sirius replied as he pulled back the covers on his bed.  "Will you stay with me tonight?"

"Of course," James said in a wavering voice.  He immediately stood up and helped Sirius into the bed.

"I'm not an invalid," Sirius murmured.  "I'm just a fucking mess."

James climbed into the bed next to his boyfriend and pulled the covers up over both of them.  Then he closed the curtains around Sirius' bed.

"You're not a fucking mess," James whispered as he stared into Sirius' depressed blue eyes.  "I love you so much, Sirius."

"You already said that."

"I mean it, Siri.  I don't know what I'd do without you, and I will do everything I can to help you, Sirius.  I'll always be here for you," James said sincerely.

"Now that you know I'm not a fuckwhorwhore who cheated on you?" Sirius asked sarcastically.  His eyes looked neither angry nor malicious, but simply exhausted and sad.

James flinched and lowered his eyes.  Sirius had every right to talk that way.  James knew he deserved it.  The problem was, he had no idea how to reply.  He knew he had been awfully rash and hadn't given Sirius a chance to explain anything or speak.  James' temper had gotten the better of him within seconds, and he had hurt his boyfriend deeply.  He knew he had to prove his love to Sirius-he had to show Sirius that he adored him and loved him more than anyone or anything in the world.  However, at the moment, he hadn't a clue what to do or say.

"Forget it, James.  At least for now.  I feel like shit.  Part of me wants to kill myself so that all of the fucking pain can go away.  All of the fucking memories will be gone if I'm dead.  But I'mng cng cng coward.  I don't think I'll kill myself.  I just need sleep.  I'm not even making any fucking sense.  Can we just forget about what you said to me?  At least for now?  Because as much as you hurt me, I also know you're the only who can ever make me feel halfway better again.  So will you stay with me and hold me? &nbhat hat is, if you can stand to be around me.  I feel so fucking pathetic and helpless, and I despise feeling that way."

James didn't bother to wipe away the tears that were cascading down his tanned face.  "Sirius Black, of course I will stay with you.  There is no place that I would rather be.  I want to stay with you and hold you forever.  I am going to do everything in my power to make you feel better.  I-"

"Then get this fucking thing growing inside of me out."

James bit his lip and slowly reached forward.  He gently ran his fingers through Sirius' long locks.  "I love you, Sirius.  Please promise me you won't try to kill yourself.  You mean everything to me."

"I make no promises," Sirius replied.  "I need to sleep, James.  Please don't leave me," Sirius begged as he curled up into a ball and pressed his head onto James' chest.

James wrapped his arms around Sirius' shaking body and tenderly kissed his boyfriend's head.  "I'll never leave you," he replied sadly.  "Never." iriuirius quickly fell into a deep, troubled sleep while James remained awake for hours.  He heard Remus and Peter come into the room and eventually go to bed.  Nearly an hour after that, James finally drifted off into a world of dreams containing twisted accounts of his cruel words to Sirius.  Needless to say, he slept horribly and was happy to see morning come.

James opened his eyes, and the first thing he noticed was the empty space next to him.  By the look of it, the sun had only been up for an hour or two.  James pushed back the covers and climbed out of Sirius' bed.  He looked around and noticed that Peter and Remus both appeared to be in a deep sleep.  

James glanced around the room and then headed for the bathroom.  He heard retching sounds and determined that his boyfriend was throwing up.  James quickly entered the bathroom and shut the door quietly behind him.  He then walked toward Sirius, who had his face bent over the open toilet.

On his way, James grabbed a towel and put some cold water on it.  Then he picked up one of Sirius' black hair-bands and knelt down at his lover's side.

James very gently combed through Sirius' raven hair with his fingers.  He then pulled the long hair back into a ponytail and carefully held it in place with the black hair-band.

Next, James placed a quick kiss on Sirius' neck and then placed the cold washcloth on his lover's forehead.

Sirius groaned and lifted his head.  He sat down on the hard floor and leaned back against James.  He closed his eyes and relished in the feeling of the cool cloth and his boyfriend's loving embrace.  

Honestly, Sirius could care less about James' nasty words from the day before.  He knew he needed to talk to James about it, but at the moment, that would take far too much energy.  And what if it resulted in another argument?  Sirius didn't think that James would blow up again and storm out, but what if Sirius did something incredibly stupid?  Then he would be left alone without James to comfort him.  Sirius was upset with James, but at the same time, he just wanted to stay in James' arms forever.  He didn't have the energy to discuss anything.  He didn't have the energy to think about what to say.  He really didn't have any damn energy.  The important thing was that James was here.  

While Sirius was thinking with his eyes closed, James was still pressing the cool washcloth against his lover's forehead with one hand.  His other hand was wrapped firmly around Sirius' waist, resting on his stomach.  The warmth of James' hand felt incredibly good on Sirius' stomach muscles, which were still throbbing from getting sick moments earlier.

James rested his head on top of Sirius' and hugged Sirius tightly to his chest.  He briefly wondered if he should move his hand away from Sirius' stomach.  He didn't want his boyfriend to worry about being pregnant right now-he just wanted Sirius to rest for a while.  He decided to leave his hand where it was, figuring that Sirius would have removed it if it had bothered him.

James felt Sirius' body relax some, and he hoped that his lover was drifting off to sleep.  He knew that the bathroom wasn't the world's best place to sleep, but at the same time, he knew that Sirius was exhausted and needed the rest.

Sirius moved his head slightly and leaned it on James' shoulder.  James removed the washcloth, which was now warm.  He wrapped his free arm around Sirius' body and pressed a loving kiss on his boyfriend's head.  Sirius made a small noise and drifted off to sleep.

James placed his own head on top of Sirius' again and sighed worriedly.  He loved Sirius so much, and seeing his lover in pain was one of the worst forms of torture.  He desperately wanted to attack Sirius' father and make him pay for what he had done.  

At the same time, James wanted to make himself pay for what he had done to his lover.  His words had been cruel, and he hated himself for it.  He felt the need to apologize to Sirius repeatedly, yet, he knew he shouldn't bring it up until Sirius was ready.  Right now was obviously not the time to dwell on it.  Sirius needed to be held, comforted, and loved.

And James Potter was just the person to attend to all of those needs.

~*~

"Is everything okay?" Remus asked as he entered the bathroom.  He ran his fingers through his disheveled hair and worriedly looked at James who was still tightly holding onto Sirius.

"Come here," James whispered.  "I don't want to wake him up."

Remus nodded and moved over to James' side.  He sat down on the floor and stared at Sirius' sleeping form.  "How is he?"

James sighed, "I don't know what to do, Remus.  Last night, he was talking about committing suicide."

"I can't blame him," Remus said.  "I can't imagine going through any of this.  It makes being a werewolf seem like nothing."

"I can't believe his father did this to him," James commented as he removed one hand from Sirius' waist and started running his fingers through Sirius' hair.  "I knew his parents were horrible people, but I didn't think his fucking father would go this far.  Merlin, I wish I could take away all of the pain.  But I can't.  So what in the hell do I do, Remus?  I love him so much!  How can I help him get through this?"

"That's a loaded question, James," Remus replied.  "And I really don't know what to say.  I know we have to find a way to help him through this.  Especially you.  That's not to say I won't help.  I'll do everything I can do, but-"

"He needs me, and I know that," James murmured.  "And I need him so fucking much.  He means the world to me."

"He's going to have to tell McGonagall or Dumbledore," Remus said.  "And he's not going to want to."

"I thought of that," James whispered.  "I want to be there with him."

"He'll want you to."

"I hope so."

"James, of course he-"

"Think about how I treated him, Remus!  I called him a-"

"I know, I know," Remus iruptrupted.  "But he loves you, and he needs you."

"I know he's upset with me for what I said, and I can't blame him.  I'm a fucking bastard!"

"Well, you were a fucking bastard," Remus replied.  "But we're going to ignore that fact right now."

James rolled his eyes and pressed a tender kiss on Sirius' head.

"Did he say anything to you about it?" Remus asked.

"Yes," James replied.  "I know I hurt him badly.  But I can also tell he doesn't want to talk about it yet.  It's just so painful to seem him like this, and knowing that it's partially my fault!"

"Whoa, James, calm down for a moment.  The pain he's in right now is not your fault at all.  His father is the only person to blame.  Yes, you upset him, but you're also comforting him and loving him.  You're the one taking the pain away, not causing it."

James snorted slightly and felt tears coming to his eyes once again.

"I know he will probably want to talk to you about it later, but I don't think he will hate you for it, James.  And you can't even waste time thinking about it until he's ready to discuss it because-"

"Gods, James, I'm sorry," Sirius mumbled as he opened his eyes.  "I made you stay in here.  You could've left, you know."

"Never," James replied.  "I wanted to be with you, Siri."

"I should leave," Remus whispered as he started to get up.  "I'll just-"

"No," Sirius mumbled.  "Thank you for helping last night, Remus.  Thank you for getting James."

"You're welcome," Remus replied.  "I knew you needed him."

Shocking both James and Remus, Sirius actually smiled a genuine smile.  

~*~


A/N: Well, what did you think of how Sirius reacted to James?  Do you think it was realistic enough?  Many of you had very different opinions on how Sirius would react to James after James' harsh words.  I already had an idea of how I wanted Sirius to react, but I did alter it slightly and take your ideas and suggestions into consideration.  So, what did you think?

Obviously, Sirius is going to have to tell an adult about his situation.  I think I want him to tell McGonagall first (and James will go with him).  What do you think?  Should he tell McGonagall or Dumbledore first?  

THANK YOU!!!