Single Magical Male

Still not mine, except for what looks out of place. Then it’s either my character or my mistake.

Snape was never exactly sure how Minerva, Poppy and Sprout got involved in this fiasco; nevertheless, there they were, looking at him expectantly. Actually, their expressions were more like that of Dementors at a crowded birthday party: ravenous and predatory.

After fighting back the nausea that swept over him when he read the personal advertisement (“I would never say ‘let’s see what brews between us’” he grumbled), he tried – unsuccessfully – to convince them to let him choose the women he would meet. He was disappointed to realize that Minerva knew him as well as Albus, and refused to allow him to choose. She knew he’d pick the three women most unwilling and/or unable to spend more than 15 minutes with him.

Perhaps he was getting old, he thought. Perhaps he was just worn down from the war. Perhaps, he secretly feared, the woman he wanted would never choose to go out with him, and the best he could hope for was some stranger who might be desperate enough for company that she would sit through an entire meal with him. Whatever the reason, Snape found himself agreeing to a set of parameters for his potential companions.

After quite a bit of arguing back and forth, the criteria he finally agreed to were as follows:

Female (“That should put an end to at least some of the speculation,” he growled)
Witch (“That’s right, a witch, not a vampire. That should kill most of the remaining rumours”)
Between 25 and 50 years of age (He had the good sense to at least look at the witches apologetically at this)
Photo Included (His opinion of Poppy rose several notches when he learned that this had been her idea.)
Single (He shuddered to think that this was not a given.)
No children (He shuddered to think about this in general.)
Living alone (“There’s no need for parental or co-habitor interrogation.”)
Employed and happy about it (“Whiners are not attractive, nor do I wish to be viewed as a winning lottery ticket.”)
University educated (He hoped this was obvious. It was.)

After reviewing his list, Minerva added the following:

Reasonably attractive (He mightn’t be classically handsome but he wasn’t unattractive by any means.)
Living in the U.K. (No one needed long-distance complications, thank you very much.)
English-speaking (She knew he was conversant in Italian and French, but that was just too much to deal with)
No glamour charm used in the required photo (Thank heavens for spell-revealing charms!)

If any of the ladies had imagined the volume of responses the personal ad would generate, they would probably have never gone through with their scheme. Either the number of eligible wizards was far fewer than they imagined or the wizards who were available were particularly unappealing. They’d expected maybe twenty to thirty replies; by the end of the first two weeks, they’d received 213.

“At this rate, we could keep Snape busy for the rest of his wizarding life – and then some,” Poppy gasped. After a quick consultation between the trio of witches and Dumbledore, it was agreed that they would only accept letters through the end of November, leaving enough time for the meetings (Snape refused to call them anything else, sniffing that he certainly didn’t “date”) to be arranged for the Christmas holidays.

So Minerva brought the letters back to Hogwarts each Saturday. The three women divided the letters equally between them and then screened the respondents as quickly as possible, using the criteria they’d agreed upon. Their first pass through the pile usually resulted in about three-quarters of the letters being thrown out.

Even though Sprout and McGonagall were teachers and thus somewhat accustomed to less-than-perfect assignments, they were all shocked at how many women apparently failed to read the ad beyond the words “Single…” A large percentage of the letters didn’t include a photo. A significant number of respondents were outside the stated age range, with most of these women category well over the 75 year mark. And the letters with poor grammar, punctuation, spelling, or handwriting made up the largest share of discarded replies.

Once the first cut had been done, the real work began. The remaining letters were read to determine that the other criteria were met. Surprisingly, at least a third of the letters were from women who either still lived at home or had children. Or both. These were discarded, although not without some grumbling (“It’s just dinner; for crying out loud,” from Sprout who lived at home until she was 40, and “He teaches hundreds of children every year; surely he can stomach a date with someone who has a child” from McGonagall).

Once the obvious mismatches had been eliminated, the women reviewed the photos and letters carefully. It was sometimes hard to keep personal preferences out of the selection process. Minerva was notorious for choosing women who mentioned cats. Poppy’s weakness was for women with glasses. Pomona had a surprising penchant for what could only be referred to as “biker chicks”. Finally, however, the letters were winnowed down to a total of twelve women.

Any other man would have been thrilled with the opportunity to meet dozens, if not hundreds, of women. Any other man would have been more than willing to consider taking five or ten attractive women out for dinner. Unfortunately – and obviously to the women charged with screening the candidates – Severus Snape was not any other man. “The deal was three women, one evening each. Three women, no more. And there will be no second meetings.” Snape was intractable. Sighing, they steeled themselves to selecting the final two women to complete the required trio.

There had been one woman all three thought was perfect, so that left two to choose from the remaining group. Interestingly, that one woman they’d all agreed on was a former student. Hermione Granger had been unanimously selected, even though Minerva suspected her letter had been submitted under duress. Just last years ago, not long before Voldemort was destroyed, Ron Weasley and Harry Potter had essentially given her the same ultimatum Albus had given Severus – socialize or else.

McGonagall had heard the entire exchange. She and Irma Pince had been looking for a rather obscure Transfiguration textbook at Flourish & Blotts when the trio walked in. Despite the fact that they’d graduated Hogwarts 7 years earlier, the three still met regularly, running into Minerva and her friends, sometimes in Diagon Alley, sometimes in Hogsmeade.

While the boys hadn’t actually told Hermione to submit a letter, they’d picked up a copy of The Daily Prophet, opened it to the classified advertisements and virtually oed hed her to respond to one. They’d made some rather unkind comments about her past few boyfriends (in fact, the Transfiguration professor thought they sounded downright bitchy, considering the two men had been a couple forever and had never really entered or endured the dating scene). Minerva hadn’t seen Hermione’s reaction to her friends’ confrontation but she could practically hear the girl rolling her eyes at their meddling.

Regardless of the reason for her letter, all three witches agreed that Hermione met all of Snape’s criteria with room to spare. She had been one of the few students to not only excel in his classes but to stand up to him. She was certainly the only non-Slytherin to do so. The fact that she’d been able to show Severus up on more than one occasion (beginning in her first year, no less!) made it all the better. Her 25th birthday had been this past September and loved her in rin research at St. Mungo’s.

With their volatile history, it was even odds as to whether they’d kill each other before ordering appetizers or lock themselves in his rooms and shag like monkeys. In either event, there was no way they’d be indifferent to one another, and that was well w the the considerable risk that he’d poison the three witches later.

That left two other witches to choose. The first week in December was drawing to a close and a decision needed to be made quickly, if the deadline was to be met. After listening to increasingly ugly and circuitous arguments over the 11 remaining candidates, Dumbledore gently suggested that they leave the decision to the fates and draw lots. Straws were drawn and two women were selected: Tanya Lovall and Erin Adams-Grey.


A/N – Again, if you hate these then you may be done now and rush off to the “stories” index to see what else is new before the rest of us get there.

Deb – A figure in the bar? Was there someone there? Mwa ha ha ha ha

Deblovesdragon – Hope this chapter cleared that up for you – you must have known that was coming or you’re brilliant. :)

Kiri – Quite a compliment, that!