Tearmann

He threw off his teaching robe, already being drained of its deep black color as the purifying potion ate away at it. The white dress shirt he wore underneath was ruined as well from the leaking black of the robe, discoloring it to a sickly grey. Since it was destroyed anyway, Severus didn\'t bother with opening its many buttons, but instead just ripped it open and tossed it on the discarded robe. He looked down and saw that while his chest was quite pink, it didn\'t seem to really be burned from the hot potion. He sighed and sunk down into his chair, opening a side drawer in his desk and extracted a clean white t-shirt and a fresh robe. Severus put his elbows on the desk in front of him and leaned his face into his hands, rubbing his aching eyes.

Severus was cold, now that the potion had stopped burning. He started to shiver as he rose to return to his class. He felt drained, too. After so many restless nights recently and then being woken so early, he was beginning to feel as though he was back in the war working as a spy as he had done for so many years. He honestly didn\'t feel like the war had truly ended and he was a free man, as he had never been before. Even after the dark lord had been killed there was so much to do, so many responsibilities. It was months before things had finally calmed down and a sense of normalcy was established.

Severus was no longer a double agent, spending all his waking hours trying to help in the fight against his former master. He wasn\'t Severus Snape, Potions master/spy; he was simply Severus Snape, Potions master. He has time like never before to devote to his classes and private research projects as well as still having time to sleep. Sleep, however, had always been elusive and was only worse now that he actually had the time to devote to it. The lack of sleep was adding to his stress and frustrations. He knew it should be better now, not worse and couldn\'t understand why it was so difficult.

The end of class bell brought Severus out of his musings. Returning to the classroom, he allowed his gaze to follow the teens out the door. As he turned towards his desk, his eye caught a flash of green and he stopped short to peer into the emerald depths of his most dreaded student. It wasn\'t that he was afraid of Harry Potter... well, not in the way most people would think, anyhow.

It was the emotions toungoung man brought out in him that he feared. After all, there weren\'t many people Severus Snape had ever cared about in his life and even fewer that he could actually say he loved, and he did love Harry Potter. He would just never say it. He\'d always had a fondness for the defiant boy, regretting his role as the most hated professor, but over the last year it had developed into so much more. He respected Harry as a powerful wizard, envied his strength of conviction, and appreciated his ability to cope with whatever life dealt him. For a time, he had almost convinced himself that maybe they could even become friends.

Everything changed after the war ended. They weren\'t forced to work or talk or even to be in the same room together and Harry had seemed greatly relieved. He missed his long talks with Harry but never made a move to engage in conversation with the growing teenager. He was certain the Hero of the Wizarding World would mock him or at the very least, be frightened away at the thought of talking to the hated, greasy git of a Potions Master. No, Severus had quite deluded himself about being friends with the child.

\"Yes, Mr. Potter? Is there something you wanted?\" Severus asked coolly.

\"Actually, I was going to ask if you\'re alright.\" Harry watched Severus closely. He\'d come to admire Severus\' sarcastic wit and dark charm but found none of that today. Severus had been quiet and withdrawn since the start of term and with his appearance today, Harry was seriously beginning to worry about the older wizard.

\"Quite all right, Mr. Potter. It was a simple purifying potion. No harm done,\" he replied tiredly.

\"I didn\'t mean the potion, sir. You look exhausted.\"

\"Thank you for your concern, Potter, but I\'m fine. Just a minor accident in the dungeon woke me a little early is all. Now shouldn\'t you run along? Wouldn\'t want your little friends to think I was molesting you down here or something, now would we?\" Severus\' sarcastic remarks didn\'t have their usual results of flaring anger flashing in Harry\'s deep green eyes. Instead, Harry actually blushed. A look of surprise and confusion quickly crossed Severus\' face before returning to his customary bored blankness.

\"Yes, sir,\" Harry mumbled keeping his head down and scurried from the room before his passion for his professor could force him into an extremely embarrassing situation.

The rest of Severus\' morning went relatively quietly. Third year Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws were easily dealt with as no points needed to be taken from either house. First year Slytherins only had a pop quiz, so that was easy, too. He was starting to feel better about his day when he walked into the Great Hall for lunch.

He sat at the end of the table in his usual spot and surveyed the long tables set in front of the staff table. He noted that some of the children had already started eating but most were still filtering in at their leisure. Severus caught Harry\'s eye for the third time that day and saw the look of concern on the young man\'s face. Harry gave him a small smile before turning back to his friends. He turned to the plate that had appeared in front of him.

\"Good morning, Sev,\" Sirius Black said cheerfully, sitting down next to Snape at the head table. \"I heard you were playing with Filch\'s cat again this morning. Really, Sev, you ought to stop that. Someone might think you\'re going soft.\" He laughed lightly as Severus growled at him. Severus was still angered by the animagus\' return to Hogwarts as the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.

Black had been cleared of the murder charges that had sent him to the Wizarding prison, Azkaban, for 12 years, but Severus still hadn\'t forgiven him for nearly killing him during their 6th school year at Hogwarts. Severus was thankful for the appearance of Remus Lupin at that moment, as he easily distracted Black away from him. He listened as the two lovers made small talk. Each discussing their morning classes, making plans for the coming weekend and just enjoying each other\'s company.

Severus was jealous. He\'d never had a relationship like that. He\'d never had a lover he could talk to at anytime about anything that was on his mind. He briefly wondered if he\'d ever be that open with anyone. The hours spent in private conversation with Harry was as close as he\'d ever come, but their conversations were very rarely of a personal nature. He thought perhaps he could talk easily with the young man if he had wanted to, it just never happened. Never would happen.

Severus gave a deep sigh and pushed his barely touched plate away. Just listening to Black and Lupin had depressed him even further. His life was a mess and only he was to blame. He had let himself be pulled into Lucius\' circle of Death Eaters just to stave off the loneliness that was suffocating him instead of opening up to the true friends he might have had. Lucius had promised him so much when all he ever wanted was a place to be himself. When he realized that it was all lies and Tom Riddle was truly a mad man, not the tough politician he had started out as, it was too late. He had taken the mark and couldn\'t turn back. Albus Dumbledore had taken him in, offering sanctuary. Severus finally had what he\'d been most searching for his whole life, friendship. Albus used him as much as Voldemort, but it was different. Albus didn\'t demand, didn\'t expect loyalty and respect. He earned it. For years, Severus believed that was all he needed, a good friend. It just wasn\'t enough anymore. He needed companionship.

Severus took a last look around the Great Hall. He could always spot the young couples no matter how hard they tried to be nonchalant. He was a great observer, a skilled honed from his years spent as a spy for the Order of the Phoenix. He watched their eyes and smiles. Despite trying to hide their emotions, the students\' eyes never lied.

He saw how the youngest Weasley boy looked at Draco Malfoy across the room. Severus knew the boys had been seeing each other sev several months already, so he wasn\'t as shocked as most when it was revealed they were a couple. He\'d always suspected they\'d end up either killing each other or shagging. He was rather glad they hadn\'t killed each other. While Ron Weasley wasn\'t the brightest student, he did have great skills in strategy as he had demonstrated in the final months leading to the last stand against the dark lord. Draco had shown exceptional potential in the field of Aurors during the last battles and had shown how much of a hero he could really be.

Miss Granger was likely to have a ring from Neville Longbottom by the end of the year, if not sooner, if the looks they were exchanging were any indication. That one had surprised him. He\'d have thought the brilliant girl would have gone for someone on a more intellectual level with herself. It wasn\'t that he thought Longbottom to be a complete idiot, he was finally passing his potions class and Severus had heard that Sprout had offered the young man an apprenticeship already; he just wasn\'t as studious as Granger.

He let his eyes wander over the rest of the Gryffindor table until he was again staring into Harry\'s emerald green eyes. Severus blinked but didn\'t turn away from the gaze. He felt his face relax a little but otherwise gave no indication of the emotions running through him. He loved looking into Harry\'s eyes. He would fall into their depths and never come out if the world would allow it. Severus could read Harry\'s eyes like a book. He could see the compassion Harry felt for life, the need to be needed, and a loneliness he hadn\'t really noticed before. They weren\'t as different as he had once believed.

Harry blushed lightly and gave Severus a small smile as he had done before. Severus didn\'t quite smile in return but he didn\'t scowl either. He left the Great Hall feeling a little lighter than he had in weeks. He was still depressed and lonely but less so now. Maybe, just maybe, someday he would find and hold the lover of his dreams.