Forgiveness

This chapter was fixed by Jilliane. If there are any remaining mistakes, don't blame her. I'm hard-headed.

Forgiveness

Chapter 28

The last of the holidays ended with Joseph Pony learning of Miss DuPre's abuse at the hands of various rapists, or johns, as she referred to them. Severus had never seen his charge in such a temper. Frankly, if he had not known him better, he might have scared the older wizard. He had the same look upon his face that Severus had seen on both the Black brothers and Albus on one notable occasion.

As the Old Woman had related to Severus, the Lakota were known for their hot tempers and long memories. Severus knew the boy's ire would have to wear off, much like his own temper. The Potions Master began re-examining his own life, denuding all his past actions of the justifications that had allowed him to survive so long as a spy. The conclusions he came to about himself, startled him. Almost thirty years was stretching the carrying of a grudge, perhaps it was time he let go of his anger at both the male Potters. He might even be able to forgive himself for his own actions some day as well, and tell Antonia.

He shook his head to clear it. The boy was the problem at the moment, and Severus' patience, while long, was only so pliant. He would speak to Joseph Pony about his involvement in the Christmas Day Incident as he had dubbed it in his own mind, if the boy still seemed reluctant to see reason.

At least by the end of a fortnight, the boy began speaking to Severus again, but in clipped tones and monosyllables. He blamed Severus for not letting him extract his own pound of flesh from the odious cousin. Severus blamed himself as well. Had it been either of the women he cared for, he too would have wanted to deal with the miscreant, however, Severus had known the high price such actions would bring on the boy, and had acted as his parent.

Joseph Pony entered the laboratory, his hair tied back, his lab-coat hanging off him in messy dissarray, and the now mandatory latex gloves hanging from his pocket. Severus greeted him coolly and turned his attention back to the newest information that Pansy had turned up on the nature of the Werewolf Curse.

She had begun a library search in the Muggle stacks at the University of Oklahoma Library and had come up with a probable target for the curse. A thing called a phage, a sub-viral particle that infected bacteria. These particles injected their own DNA into the genes of the existing bacteria, substantially changing their production of certain chemicals, and altering the way in which the bacterium interacted with the host. Severus had read the article several times and even with his knowledge of the Muggle studies of biochemistry, microbiology and biology, he was having a difficult time understanding the jargon-infested language in which it had been written. The next leap, after he comprehended what this phage creature did, was synthesising the information within the framework of magical theory. He knew he had his work cut out for him.

Mrs. Zabini still tended towards flights of fancy, but the medicines had begun to work most efficiently of late, and her concentration was better than it had ever been as far as Severus had observed. Perhaps there was something to the rumours of hereditary madness in the Parkinson line.

He had not realised he had paused in his reading until he heard his son's voice breaking through the haze of his thoughts. "Dad, can we talk?"

Severus raised a brow in the way he always did to begin correcting Joseph Pony's blatant misuse of the English language. The boy ignored him as he pressed on. "I've been talking to Blaise about things that happened back in England. He told me to ask you."

Severus placed his notes in the article he was reading, preparing himself for the boy's horror at his actions. Zabini knew some, but not all of what Severus had done, but the part he knew was damning enough. He folded his hands over his midsection, a gesture he had seen Albus do many times during difficult discussions. It seemed to centre him as it had done Albus. "Ask your questions, Mr. Red Horse."

Joseph Pony asked after "Dad, I'd like to know what you did during that war you guys had. Was it true that you were a spy?"

&*&*&

Albus gazed across the small, almost dainty table between the two men, his gaze, normally warm and grandfatherly, grim behind his half-moon spectacles. "It will be time soon, Severus."

The Potions Master ran a long, stained finger over the rim of a bone china cup, not letting the dismay that lanced through him show on his always inscrutable face. Albus leaned forward and touched Severus, his unmarred hand shaking against the pain of the curse lacing his body with Dark magic and poisons. "Severus, my boy..."

"Save your breath, Albus." Severus answered without his usual bite. It just wasn't in him tonight. "I shall do as you ask, as well you know. The choice has been taken from me."

Albus busied himself with the pouring of the tea and placed two shortbread biscuits on the saucer before handing it off to Severus. "Have you made sufficient preparations for the event?"

"Meaning?" Severus gripped the plate as if it were a lifeline. "Have I successfully dredged up enough hate for you to kill you?"

Albus gave a wispy laugh, a ghost of his usual mirth-filled ululation. "My boy, I have no doubt the hatred you feel will not be directed at anyone but yourself. It is your way."

"You know me well." Severus stirred his tea idly, noting with amusement the colour of the cup had changed from white to a very Slytherin green with the heat of the beverage it contained. "But not so well. I do hate you for the role you've commanded me to play. You have been more to me than just an employer as you well know."

Albus looked away from Severus, the light from the fire glinting on his glasses, obscuring his eyes behind a sheen of light. He did not speak as he sipped from his own Gryffindor-coloured cup. Severus resisted the urge to speak, knowing anything else he said would subject him to the maudlin maunderings of the Headmaster.

"Thank you, Severus," Albus finally answered. "I do know what that admission cost you, and what your duty to me will bring. Please forgive me."

"I cannot, Albus." Severus stood jerking his robes around him, a shield against the prying eyes of one more person. "If I do..."

Albus probed him with his shrewd gaze, not quite Legilimancy, but weighing just the same. "If you forgive me, you might have to forgive yourself, Severus. I know the weight of that type of guilt."

Severus exited the room without a backward glance, wishing once more that he had chosen differently. He might have been married with those six children he had once dreamt of so long ago. He might even have had Lily. He strode into the night-blackened corridors feeling the heavy weight of his promises and his duties.

Things must come to a head, and soon. Severus could not stand anymore of these evenings with Albus.

&*&*&

Severus finished his recitation, his head turned away from the boy, unable to bear the look of horror he knew he would see on Joseph Pony's face when he did finally look. He noted that the bright spring sun had sunk in the sky, leaving a red smudge on the horizon. Mari entered, silently bringing tea and a light repast, her expression grim as she laid it out before the two men. Severus suppressed the urge to sigh as Mari left. "So, there you have my life. It wasn't pretty."

The boy remained silent as the moments ticked by on the old-fashioned clock that Severus insisted on having to supplement the Tempus Charm. Severus rose. "Please, ward the doors when you leave this evening. I shall understand if you don't wish to return home."

He observed the hunched shoulders of the youth as Joseph Pony twisted his hair between two fingers, letting the raven-black strings glide between finger and thumb. Severus left the boy, willing him to return, knowing he would not. The weight of his own sins had never felt heavier than they were now.

It was fortunate that Antonia was on a business trip for the week. Severus could not stand for her to see his anguish. He cursed himself and his stupidity at becoming attached to the two children, knowing what he was.

Stella and Miss Loco greeted him at the door, the girl now as tall as her cousin with her recent growth spurt. He would have to purchase new clothing for her soon. Lengthening charms only did so much. He retreated to his room, barely sparing more than a moment with the girl.

At some point in his telling of his story, he had begun having phantom pains that boded ill for his night of rest. He slipped into his nightclothes, a soft pair of cotton trousers made out of some stretchy material. Antonia had bought them for him as one of her gifts. Once in his bed, he cast Aguamenti into the tumbler he kept by his bed and then swallowed two of the stronger Muggle pain pills and some of his own analgesic potion. He settled into bed and waited for the sleep that would most likely never come.

&*&*&

"Dad." Joseph Pony's voice was soft in the gloom as Severus struggled to consciousness, grasping his wand even as he realised the voice was not threatening him. Joseph Pony approached, his form coming to rest at the end of the bed.

Severus said, his voice husky with sleep, "What is it, Joseph Pony?"

"I just wanted to tell you... thanks for telling me everything." The boy sat on the bed, his weight causing Severus a small amount of pain. "You were a real warrior. I never thought I'd meet one."

Severus rolled over on his side, watching the boy, his struggle evident merely in his presence in his father's room. "Is that all you wished to say, son?"

"No, sir." Joseph Pony ran his hand over his unbound hair. "I wanted to say, I understand why you did what you did at Christmas. I... I didn't before. You want me to make better decisions than my old man or you. I would have... I don't know what I would have done if I had been the one to talk to that bastard. I have my old man's temper. I always hated that about me."

Severus smiled, even though the boy could not see. "I see you and I have another thing in common. I, too, have my father's more volatile disposition. It has always been a negative aspect of my somewhat limited personality, to be sure."

"Damn, Dad." Joseph Pony said. "You never give yourself a break, do you?"

Severus paused before answering, "I suppose I don't."

"I just wanted to say, I think you're really... great," the boy said, rising. "You don't hear that enough from me."

Severus remained silent, more stunned than anything. Joseph Pony leaned over the bed and said with a brief hug, "I guess I love you."

"I suppose I feel the same for you and the imp." Severus answered, his lips twitching. "Now, off to bed. I will expect a full series of potions tomorrow to make up for your slacking today."

"Yeah, I know." Joseph Pony answered, his tone resigned. "Night, Dad."

"Good night, Son."

"Dad?" Joseph Pony paused at the door. "Next time let me take care of Char's problems. She's my girl, you know? I promise not to hurt anyone too bad, really."

Severus sighed. "Of course, you are a man now."

"I have been for a while. Trust me, you know?"

&*&*&

He dreamt that night of gliding clouds and open plains, flattened buttes poking out of the ground like the broken teeth of some ancient monster. Coyote greeted him with his shining yellow eyes and pointed teeth. "You came."

"Yes, sir, I did." Severus crouched on the ground, his aches gone in that magical way of dream wanderings. "Why did you summon me, sir?"

Coyote waved his hand in a gesture that Severus forever associated with the natives of this vast land, dismissive and inclusive at once. "You are impatient, like all white men. Wait."

Severus watched, his dream eyes never tiring as he saw the progression of time and rivers across the deserted land. Hawk came and spoke to Coyote in the language of birds, then Spider came with Hare on his heels. Severus watched and learned as they spoke of the past, even though he knew he would never remember their stories upon waking. He sat, dozy in his wait, as a storm gathered on the horizon. His spirit joined it, but soon broke away bringing others with him. The tempest raged, nearly rending Severus from the dream, yet Coyote spoke and Severus returned uneasily, his spirit rent with the many deaths caused directly or indirectly by his hand. The storm passed and finally Coyote got to the point. "Look at yourself."

Severus did, and saw the myriad of tears and bleeding holes in his flesh. He expected no less. Coyote said, "I sent Kaya to you before, but you don't listen so well. What do you see when you look?"

"My sins."

Coyote laughed, a half-howl that echoed over the land. "You missing anything?"

"No." Severus answered. "No, I am not."

"Them people you killed. You didn't want to do it, even when you followed the half-man." Coyote said. "You gotta see that, boy. The warrior's path is always like this, with the little cuts and pains. It's never easy."

"I never intimated that it was, sir." Severus attempted to keep the snarky tone out of his voice, but failed. "So, you've brought me to this place to show me the obvious. Thank you."

Coyote howled his laughter again. He ended the progression of the sound with three yips, his concave belly shaking under the force of the motion. "Old Woman told me you was something. Listen and learn, wasicu. This is the last time I speak to you and more than I speak to most. You did not destroy your soul. You have been forgiven, even by the fire-haired one and her man. They knew what they were getting into when they fought Him. You were just the messenger. Their fate was already made once the seer spoke."

"I suppose you are saying that I must forgive myself."

Coyote sighed heavily, waving his brushy tail in the air in annoyance. "You will, or cause everyone around you to suffer. Think on that, boy."

"I betrayed her."

Coyote laughed again, this time reminiscent of the distant thunder that still hovered on the landscape. "She never was yours to betray, boy. Never."

Severus woke with a start, the alarm sounding next to his ear. He thought he could hear the sound of receding thunder rolling over the hills, but dismissed it in the brightness of the morning.

&*&*&

Stella greeted Severus with a warm hug and a giggling rendition of the dream she had the night before, something about several boys in her class losing all their hair in something called a S'mores making incident. Severus looked at her bemusedly as he gathered the items necessary to plait her hair. Stella sat before him as Joseph Pony entered from the outer door.

"Dad, I finally heard from that medicine keeper in Antlers. You know the Choctaw one? He just called" Joseph Pony began. "I asked him about what you needed to do and... he said we need to adopt you. He said he had a dream about your name last night, so he knows what the spirits want him to do."

Severus paused, his fingers suspended in the silky-coarse hair. "Will I have to take your name?"

Stella giggled and said, "Not that kind of adoption, Daddy. We just kind of make a vow to be your family and you make a vow to be ours."

"Oh, well then, I suppose it sounds... acceptable if not already in place," Severus said over his growing mirth. "I shouldn't like to be Severus Snape-Cadeaux-Red Horse. It would make signing documents nearly impossible."

Joseph Pony tilted his head. "You're in a good mood."

"I am." Severus replied. "I had a pleasant dream last evening."

Joseph Pony pulled a face. "Please don't tell me it involved Toni. Please."

"I think that would be romantic, meeting her in your dreams." Stella chimed in. "When are you gonna marry her, anyway, Daddy?"

Severus felt his lips twitch into the little secret smile he knew annoyed the children so much. "I suppose when I do, Miss. Now, go tuck in. Mari made breakfast for us this morning."

"Well, make it soon," Stella retorted as she rose. "You're not getting any younger, you know."

"Yes, my dear, I am positively ancient." Severus said, his mood still light. "When shall we affect this adoption?"

Joseph Pony consulted a piece of parchment that he had tucked in his shirt pocket. "He said he had a date open in March."

"Very well." Severus replied. "Will there be more required of me for this Healing, or should I plan on giving my first born to this shaman?"

Joseph Pony turned sharply. "It's really important that you have this, Dad. You need to be grounded in this world to go into the spirit world. The medicine keeper said you've already been there. Don't take it so lightly."

Severus drew apace of his son. "I do apologise, Joseph Pony. In my rare moment of levity, I seemed to have overstepped. Do forgive me, please."

"You talk so pretty, how could I not forgive you." The boy turned to the kitchen. "Now, come on, Stella ain't the only one who needs to eat. Toni will kill me if you've lost weight while she's gone."

&*&*&

Albus entered Severus' office, his glaring robes nearly glowing in the purposely dark and cold room. Severus levitated a stack of books off the chair across from his desk, glowering at the prospect of yet another heart to heart with his employer. He had been on the job for a decade and the Headmaster still insisted on these little impromptu meetings when he felt something might trouble Severus. After moments of considering silence, Severus finally said sourly, "What is it, Albus? Has another Muggleborn come to light?"

For years now it had been Albus' habit to force Severus to escort Muggleborns and their frightened and sometimes offensive families to Diagon Alley. He supposed the old man saw it as his penance, but did acknowledge the Headmaster's assignment might have more to do with Severus' background than any consideration of his black sins.

His latest had been a young girl, a know-all, who had spent more time trying to impress him than to listen to his explicit instructions. Fortunately, her parents had been rational though indulgent of the little blighter.

Albus chuckled, "No, Severus, the last was Miss Granger. I'm sure you handled the situation admirably."

The Potions Master leaned back in his seat, a position that spoke of false ease in the man's presence. Yes, Severus was fond of Albus Dumbledore, he just did not trust him. The man was a Chinese puzzle box. "To what do I owe the pleasure of your company, Albus?"

"My boy, I just came to thank you." Albus began, putting Severus immediately on alert, even though his demeanour gave no outward sign. Albuc continued, "This year will be trying for you, I think, and I came to thank you for your continued loyalty."

"This ploy is a rather ham-handed effort, don't you think?" Severus answered, his lips curling downward. "If you wish to ensure my continued support of the promise I made to you for Lily, why not just extract a Wizard's Oath from me, or better yet, an Unbreakable Vow?"

Albus let out a gusty sough of breath. "Please, Severus. I would never require that of you. I feel quite strongly that you are a man of your word."

Severus' let his gaze slip to his left arm and then back to Albus' clear blue twinkle. "Yes, you can certainly rely on my past actions for an indication of my future ones."

Albus gave no response as he summoned tea. After preparing the brew for both of them, he said. "I never gave you enough credit when you were younger, Severus."

"I never gave you reason to give me that credit, Albus." Severus answered tartly as he took a shortbread biscuit from the pile on the tray.

"My boy, life... I... have not treated you well. You deserve more than my gratitude."

Severus bit down savagely into the biscuit, scattering crumbs over his pristine robes. Once swallowed, he said, "I will protect Potter's son, Albus. You have no concerns on that front."

"I had hoped you would see him as part of Lily, Severus." Albus replied easily. "He is, you know."

Severus seethed inwardly. The gall of the old man to remind him of all that his actions had cost him. Lily was the pinnacle of his failure and his first. "Leave, Albus. I have a lesson plan to finish before the staff meeting."

Albus said, "There is more to life than duty, Severus."

Severus watched the wizard banish the tea as he stood. He exited the room, with Severus' dull gaze on his back. Into the gloom that Albus' wake left, Severus said, "Not for me, Albus. Never for me."

&*&*&

Antonia returned Friday and Severus arranged for both the children to be occupied during the weekend. He needed time to do what he wanted to do. He hoped she would understand.

Mari came back to his cottage, her expression grimly worried. "Is the Potions Master certain about leaving that Pensieve in Dr. Atonia's room?"

Severus attempted to ignore the being, focusing his concern on the meal he prepared. He hoped the Pensieved memories would suffice for most of his story. He knew he had given Potter a good deal of his pertinent memories, but had more concerning Lily. Enough to last a lifetime, if that existence were very short. Severus snorted. "You did leave the note?"

"Yes, Mari did." The Brownie joined Severus at the cabinet, hovering as her kind did to reach the surface. "At least let me cook for you. You will make a nice meal, but Mari will make one that is divine."

Severus relinquished his hold on the knife with which he chopped the solid white onion. "Perhaps some divine intervention would be helpful."

"No," Mari answered after due consideration. "The Potions Master just needs to say what has been in his heart. You've loved Doctor Antonia for some time, Mari thinks."

Severus retreated to the table, resting his head in his hands. "I feel as if I am betraying her."

Mari stopped chopping long enough to cast a a look at him. "Mari thinks that the one Severus speaks of never was his to betray with his body or his heart."

"Funny, that's what the... " Severus rose, shaking off the dream of a few days ago. "For Merlin's sake, don't make the peices of onion so large. The meal should be pleasant and it won't be with great gobs of onion in it."

Mari simply smiled. "Then you chop, Mari will cook."

&*&*&

Severus insisted that they eat before they discussed what Antonia had seen in the Pensieve. Once the meal was over, she patted her lips daintily and sipped her wine as Mari cleared the dishes from the table with a simple spell. She popped out with a soft clap of magic. Antonia, looking decidedly unruffled, observed. "So, I take it the Pensieve was meant to show my why I should steer clear of you."

"Not exactly, but if you wish..."

"Goddammit, Severus."Antonia threw the cloth she held down to the table and rose. "It gets awfully damned tiring to have to reassure you everytime we have a discussion that I'm not going to leave you."

She strode to his side of the table, taking him by the shoulders. "I need you to repeat after me: I, Severus Snape..."

He felt his face going stiff, and the anger rising until she kissed him. She drew away. "Repeat."

"I, Severus Snape." He rolled his eyes. "This is just ridiculous, Antonia. I do get your point..."

"Do hereby acknowledge..." she said over his objections. He repeated her words with a grimace. "That Antonia Dance will not leave Severus for any reason other than death. That I, Severus Snape, am worthy of love, forgiveness and the occassional kick in the pants when I get too snippy. Nothing I will do will be grounds for Antonia leaving him short of... You're not planning on having a mistress, are you?"

As Severus finished the sentence, he smirked, "Do you want me to repeat the last bit?"

"Ass." She kissed him again. "I hope you get the point. I love you, and short of you doing something completely out of character, like hitting me, abusing one of our children or you having a mistress, I can't imagine leaving you. Your past is your past. Let it be there."

"I still love her." Severus said. "I am sorry."

Antonia moved him with a simple spell, settling in his lap as if she belonged there. "Yeah, and? You have room for more than one person in your heart, right? I still love Thierry. Love doesn't die simply because the people we loved moved on, passed on or changed."

Severus watched her hand progress across his chest, loosening his tie and then his top button. She kissed him again, this time lingering and heated. He opened his mouth, welcoming her invasion. Once finished, she gasped, "I love you, Severus Snape, no matter how stupid you were when you were a kid."

"I believe..." Severus looked at her, feeling suddenly shy and exposed. He swept his lashes up, to observe the warmth that was reserved just for him in Antonia's eyes. "I love you also."

The rest of the evening and most of the weekend was spent expressing that newly admitted love in more tangible ways.

One more chapter. Please, if you are reading this review it. I spent almost ten months working on this story. Let me know if you at least don't hate it.