Twice Bitten ~ COMPLETED

Chapter 29 ~ The Apology

Snape stared at Hermione’s uncooperative stance and sighed.

”May I call you by your name, since this is a personal matter between us?” he asked her.

”Go ahead,” Hermione said shortly.

Snape blinked at her, unsure of how to start.

”You’re not doing very well,” Hermione said to him.
The wizard glowered at her.

”Give me a moment, witch. It is not easy to admit I handled this . . . you . . . wrongly,” he said to her.

”Is that what you think this is about? How you ‘handled’ me?” Hermione said to him in disbelief. “You really don’t have a clue, do you Professor? You were cruel, ungrateful . . .”

”I was not ungrateful, Hermione. You must understand that in my world everyone had a purpose to serve, and most knew that and did so without any requirement that they be thanked for it. I have never been thanked for anything I’ve done, nor did I require thanks. This is not to make excuses, however, for you aren’t from my world, Hermione. Yours is a world of friendship, connections, caring and . . . Love. I have never known that world and can’t pretend to understand it. But without you, I could not have been restored. I acknowledge that I manipulated the entire situation, from the turning of Mr. Potter to your facing off with Vashti without giving any thought to your feelings, his feelings or the feelings of anyone else involved. I am sorry, Hermione, sorry that my lack of understanding and empathy hurt you as it did. Believe me when I say it was not intentional. I am used utilizing those around me to accomplish my goals. Once those goals are reached, what is left is the business of rapid, expedient clean-ups. There was little time to think of how I affected others, because I had to move on to the next situation. I was only acting in the manner with which I am familiar. Again, I say I am truly sorry,” Snape said, his dark eyes resting on Hermione.

Hermione didn’t appear to be moved at all as she looked back at him steadily.

”What about us, Professor? We were together. Intimate. Passionate. You were the first man to have sex with me, then you walked away. Don’t you think I have any feelings about that?” she asked him.

“You and I both,” the wizard replied softly. “I can’t begin to fathom your feelings, and I won’t pretend I can. I can only offer my own. Would you like to know my feelings about what happened between us?”

”Unlike you, yes . . . I would,” Hermione responded.

”I have a tendency to see things in either black or white. There is rarely a middle ground with me. Either something is or isn’t. There are facts that I am forced to recognize, facts that I use to make my decisions. In our case, they are as follows: You would have never been attracted to me under normal circumstances. I am too old, too ugly, too cold and too harsh a man to attract a lovely young witch,” he stated. “You would have never allowed me to touch you if not for the vampire influence I exhibited. You compelled me to take you because of this influence. Everything about your attraction for me was the result of external influences, not from your heart, Hermione.”

Hermione blinked up at him, taking in his words but saying nothing as he continued.

”I would have never approached you in such a manner in my human state. The vampire influence affected me as well as my own desire for Life, which you exuded. I could hear your heartbeats. I could tell when you reacted to my closeness. I could feel the blood I needed to survive rushing through your veins. It was a hunger that made me want you, an unnatural hunger that was part of what I was. But I did not want you dead. I needed to get as close to that Life you held without killing you. I succumbed to it, totally taken by your desire for me, a desire based on falseness. Although I too was under the influence of vampirism, I still took advantage of the situation. You gave me more than that incredible mind . . . you gave me your innocence. A stronger man would not have accepted it. But I was neither strong or a true man at that time.”

He paused a moment, his face looking a bit strained as he made himself continue, trying to open up to the witch.

”I have never been a virtuous man, Hermione, or a terribly honorable one. The picture the Wizarding World has painted of me is erroneous. I used everyone I came in contact with, just as I was used . . . by Lily, by Albus, by Voldemort . . .”

”By Lily?” Hermione said, surprised, “But you loved Lily.”

Snape shook his head.

”I was obsessed with Lily, Hermione . . . obsessed and deluded. If it were love, it was the kind of love that should be feared rather than welcomed. She never returned my feelings and used them to control and . . . and torture me. I don’t know if she were aware she was doing it, but she always said we were ‘best friends’ no matter what happened between us. Lily Evans was the first woman I was intimate with . . ."

Hermione almost covered her mouth in shock. Professor Snape had shagged Harry’s mother? Dear gods. How would Harry react to that? They always thought he had “loved her from afar.”

“And when we finished, she said we should never speak about what happened between us and that she knew I would keep her secret because we were best friends. She never saw us as anything more. She allowed me to take her not because she loved me, but because I had the proper tool and she was curious to know what it was like. It didn’t affect her the way it did me. We might have well have been playing a private round of Quidditch with myself as the Quaffle and Lily the goal. But I was completely smitten and determined to prove how much I loved her in the hopes she would realize I was the man for her and return to me, even after she married James I lived with that delusion. Albus used my obsession to bind me into his service, and then into protecting Lily’s son.”

Snape wasn’t looking at her as he spoke, but away into a corner. This was difficult for him, but he thought if she understood his history, she might better understand him, that he did not function like most others who had the benefit of love and connection in their lives. He was a true product of his environment. Now he did look at her.

“The wizarding world believes I did what I did for Love, but in all honesty, I have no idea what Love is. Obsession, delusion, madness, these I know,” he said softly.

“When I was restored to human form, Hermione, the facts that I stated to you came back to me. That I was not a man you would have chosen for a lover. That I was too old, too ugly, too harsh and too cold to be what you needed. I also knew that you felt a connection to me because of our intimacy, and were probably blinded to the reality. I only wanted to give you a chance to recognize that reality for yourself. You couldn’t have done it if I continued with you. I thought our time apart would allow it to sink in, but you must have been too angry with me to see what I saw. There was some small hope in me that you still might feel something toward me, but felt I would be amiss in pursuing it while you were still in the throes of the ‘afterglow.’ I thought it best to leave you alone, Hermione. For your sake. Again, I miscalculated and again, I am sorry,” Snape said to her.

“But you never even thought to ask me what I wanted. You just arbitrarily made the decision for both of us. What I thought didn’t matter,” Hermione said to him.

”No, it didn’t, Hermione. I believed you wouldn’t look at the situation rationally. You were quite taken with me, with my . . . performance. The physical attraction was real, but it was still based on a false beginning. I felt it was up to me to be the voice of reason. I realize now if we had this discussion to begin with, we wouldn’t be in the situation we are now,” he said softly, “Again I give you another apology. I am sorry. Very sorry.”

Hermione looked up at him, biting her lip slightly. Snape tried not to remember when he last saw her do that . . . when he was on top of her. He failed.

”You’re saying a lot about what you think I felt toward you physically, but what about what you felt toward me, Professor? Didn’t you feel anything when you took me? Any kind of connection?” she asked him.

“Yes,” he said tightly. “You’re a beautiful young witch, Hermione, a witch who gave me your innocence, your body. You surrendered all you are to me. Even if it was because I was a vampire, that didn’t make it any less affecting. I could feel your desire. No one has ever desired me that way before you. I . . . I . . .”

The wizard stopped speaking.

”You what? Tell me, Professor,” she said to him softly.

”I still dream about you,” he admitted. “Some nights I have to take potions to get you out of my thoughts.”

“Oh Professor,” she said to him softly, moved despite herself.

Snape’s eyes went immediately hard.

”Don’t pity me. I don’t need pity,” he snapped at her. “I made a mistake with you. I have to accept the consequences for that. I’m not trying to evoke your sympathy.”

Hermione scowled at him.

”You know something, Professor? You aren’t only a Master of Potions, you’re also a Master of Misreading Situations,” she said to him evenly. “I really think you sincerely are sorry, but you make it so hard to forgive you when you make idiotic statements like that. I don’t pity you. I felt empathy for you. That’s completely different.”

Snape didn’t say anything more, fearing he would make yet another statement Hermione thought idiotic. Hermione sighed.

”It’s getting late, Professor. I have to get back to Gryffindor and write my nightly report,” she said to him.

”Am I forgiven?” the wizard asked her.

Hermione gave him a measuring look.

”I don’t know yet. I’m going to have to mull over what you’ve told me,” she replied, not about to let him off the hook even though he had done his best.

Snape moved aside so she could approach the exit.

”You will let me know your decision, won’t you?” he asked her.

”Eventually,” Hermione replied, “Good night, Professor.”

”Good night, Hermione,” he said, watching as she pressed the stones in a pattern and the wall fuzzed out, allowing her to exit. She didn’t even look back. The wall fuzzed back in.

Snape stood there a moment, staring at the wall, then turned and headed down the passageway feeling completely out of sorts. Lily used to make him feel the same way.

Well, he had done his best to apologize.

It was up to Hermione to decide if his best had been good enough.

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A/N: Not an easy chappie to write. Sigh. I think I need a reader’s poll on this one. Should she forgive him or not? I’ll be listening to all who respond. Well, thanks for reading.