Up the Duff

Bellatrix Lestrange cursed under her breath as she stood on tiptoe atop the step stool she had to use in order to reach the spoon that she was currently using to stir the mornings breakfast porridge for the ungrateful brats of Hogwarts Academy.

She gritted her teeth as she used all her strength to stir the sludge like gray concoction. Her arms were getting tired and already a fine sheen of sweat had broken out across her forehead.

Damn, but she was thirsty.

Limp black curls drooped into her eyes as she continued to whisk the nauseating mixture. The steam coming from the pot only added to her humid misery.

Trixie felt her lower lip tremble.

How had she ever thought putting a piece of her soul into a house elf would be a good idea? At the time it had seemed like sheer brilliance.

She gazed down at the glop in front of her. At the time it had never occurred to her that she might get stuck in said body and be forced to do house elf work.

It wasn’t fair! Bella jabbed at the mess viciously with her spoon. She had to find Tom Riddle and make him tell her how she could extricate herself from this hideous body!

Harry Potter-Malfoy rolled to the right, one leg lifted. Draco Malfoy-Potter shifted to the left and grabbed Harry’s leg firmly as he wiggled forward.

Draco crouched as low as he could and tried unsuccessfully to turn his mate to a workable position, twisting Harry’s leg further to the right.

It made no difference.

Draco grabbed his husbands other leg and pushed it back.

Harry grunted, and not in pleasure. If Draco didn’t stop soon he would have both his ankles wrapped around his neck and he suspected that it still wouldn’t do any good.

“Draco!” Harry squeaked as he found himself suddenly standing on his head with his determined partner holding both of his legs in the air. “Its just not going to work!”

“Fine!” Draco spat as he unceremoniously dropped a dangling Harry and crossed his arms in a huff.

Harry landed on the bed with no harm done. As soon as he got his bearings he slid over to where Draco was now sitting, pouting on the edge of their mattress.

He slipped his arms around his mates bulging stomach. “Don’t you dare laugh.” Draco growled threateningly.

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” Harry had to bite his lip to keep from it. He knew better than to give in to that impulse though. It would be a foolish wizard indeed that snickered at a pregnant Malfoy who has just discovered that his pecker can no longer reach past his tummy.



Trixie used an old rag to mop her sweaty brow. Merlin, but she hated the kitchens!

She turned her head and that’s when she spotted it. Someone had left a tall frosty mug of pumpkin juice on the counter beside her.

She glanced around to see if the elf that it belonged to was still in the vicinity. There was no one near. She grabbed the cup and took a long refreshing swallow.

Trixie grinned as she took another gulp of the sweet and mercifully cold beverage. It was delicious. She licked her lips. Whoever made this pumpkin juice had known what they were doing. It had just the right amount of cinnamon and nutmeg with just a hint of a buttery aftertaste.

Bella took another drink and then nearly choked on it as she realized what she had just been thinking. Buttery aftertaste? Pumpkin juice didn’t have a buttery aftertaste! Unless... She sniffed the mug suspiciously, then took a small sip to be sure.

Yes. A definite buttery aftertaste.

Dobby! Bella’s head swiveled around as her eyes searched the kitchens, stopping as they landed on a couple of twitchy ears and a pair of big frog eyes gazing intently at her from behind a table.

Bella couldn’t see the bottom half of Dobby’s face as it was hidden by the table, but she strongly suspected that he was smirking.

The little toad had spiked her drink! How very.... Slytherin of him.

Still! How dare he?!

Dobby’s eyes went even wider as Bella suddenly threw down the mug she had been carrying and grabbed a large butcher knife off the counter. She took a step in his direction with a menacing scowl on her face.



Harry Potter-Malfoy had finally convinced his grumpy and thoroughly disgusted mate that they should just go down to breakfast and forget about having sex at the moment. It had taken a lot of petting and loving reassurances on Harry’s part, but he had convinced Draco at last that the fact that he would be bottoming all the time for the near future wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

He glanced over at the proud blond that was his husband. He knew how hard it was for Draco to accept anything less than a dominate role in anything. His ego was bruised and his masculinity had suffered greatly during his pregnancy.

Harry squeezed his hand as they settled in at the Gryffindor table.

Draco’s bottom lip poked out as he took a sip of his morning blood potion. As much as he loved Harry, right now he wanted so very badly to kick him in the nuts. Hard.

Oh well, he sighed. Maybe at least they could have a nice peaceful breakfast.

Alas. It was not meant to be.


Hermione Granger and Argus Filch came through the doors to the great hall arguing with each other and continued to argue all the way to the Gryffindor table where they came to a halt directly in front of Harry and Draco.

Hermione clutched Crookshank’s in her arms and glared at an equally fierce looking Filch who was holding a squirming Mrs. Norris to his skinny chest.

“Everyone knows that it’s the fathers genes that count.” Hermione stated firmly. “The babies will be knizzles.”

“Muh cat is a CAT.” Filch insisted just as firmly. “They be kittens.”

“They are half kneazle!” Hermione said stubbornly. “Knizzles!”

“CAT! C.A.T.” Filch’s eyes narrowed.

Hermione felt her face turn beet red. Did Argus Filch just spell a word at her?


Trixie darted across the kitchen, butcher knife held high. Dobby, who saw her coming, turned and ran for his life of course.

All the other house elves in the room stopped whatever they were doing and watched, stunned; as the curly haired little girl elf let out a war cry and their leader took off with a terrified squeal.

Dobby plowed through the door to the kitchens with Trixie hot on his heels. He felt the blade as they rounded a corner and Trixie got close enough to slit his pillow case all the way down the back.

Bella grabbed for the loose fabric and hollered in triumph as her hand closed around the billowing edge. A second later she stopped as she stared down at the empty pillow case she now held in one hand. She threw it to the floor in disgust.

He wasn’t going to get away that easily! Trixie looked up just in time to see Dobby’s naked arse as he skidded around the next corner.


Hermione Granger looked very much like a volcano that might explode as any moment. “How dare you?” She hissed at a pasty, but mulish looking Argus Filch. “How dare you treat me like an imbecile? You imbecile!”

Argus opened his mouth to retort but was cut off by Draco Malfoy-Potter’s outraged yell of, “Shut up! Shut up! Just shut the fuck up, both of you!”

Hermione’s mouth fell open and Argus’ eyes bugged as they were suddenly confronted with a furious vampire. “In case neither of you has noticed…” Draco snarled. “There are people trying to eat breakfast here.”

Several people at the surrounding tables nodded their heads in agreement.

Crookshank’s dug his claws into her arm and yowled. “Harry!” Hermione turned to her long time friend. Her buddy. Her pal. “Are you going to let him talk to me like that?!”

Harry didn’t hesitate even one moment to come to his friends defence. “Absolutely.”

Hermione gaped at him. Harry took a drink of his blood potion. “You know that animals aren’t even allowed in the great hall while meals are being served Hermione.”

She felt her face flame again. Damn him for being right!

“I suggest…” Draco sneered at the two cat lovers. “that you call whatever monstrosity those two produce knitzens. That way you can both be right and you can both get the hell away from me!”

Hermione glanced over at Filch warily. “I suppose knitzens would be a fair compromise.”

“Aye.” Filch nodded slowly. “Tis fair I reckon.”

“Goody.” Draco said coldly. “Now leave.”

Hermione stuck her tongue out at him but a minute later she and Filch left the great hall still talking about their pets and their future offspring.

“Thank Merlin they’re gone.” Draco groaned.

Harry chuckled at his side.

Draco took a sip of his potion. “You see something funny Scarhead?”

Harry grinned at his sourpuss of a spouse. “I was just thinking that nothing is ever normal at Hogwarts…. not even breakfast.”

“Balderdash.” Draco shook his head. “You only think that way because you were raised by muggles.” He said confidently. “As far as the magical world goes, Hogwarts isn’t any stranger than anywhere else.”

Draco had scarcely finished his sentence when a howling and completely naked, but for one ragged sock; Dobby came barreling right down the center of the Great Hall. Barely two steps behind him was a screaming, cursing girl house elf wielding a butcher knife almost as large as she was. She swore and stabbed at the air between them with a murderous look in her eye, just barely missing Dobby‘s arse by a whisker every time.

Everyone in the Great Hall froze as the two elves zoomed by.

Draco Malfoy-Potter took a small sip of his blood potion, then calmly sat the glass back down on the table and turned to his wide eyed husband.

“I stand corrected.”


TBC....