Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: Cocoa-Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-

Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 29: Goodbye Harry

(Day 9)

Harry awoke feeling decidedly stiff, with a throbbing pain in his skull after having managed only a few hours of sleep. Snape, on the other hand, didn’t even have that luxury. He had dozed on and off in the morning hours, but the evening’s conversation had kept him awake for most of the night.

As Harry reluctantly opened his eyes, a potion was shoved under his nose and he swallowed it promptly.

“What was that?”

Snape sighed, “What did I tell you about taking things you don’t recognize?”

“Well I assumed you would have killed me by now if you wanted to.”

“Don’t be so sure,” Snape said dryly. “It’s for your hangover.”

“How did you…oh,” Harry said, remembering that Snape had had quite a bit of scotch himself. “Wow! That’s much better. Thank you.”

Harry looked up at Snape. The man looked like hell, but to be honest, that wasn’t much of a change.

“I’ll be in the shower,” Snape said. “Albus is scheduled to be here in 6 hours time for dinner, so no doubt he’ll be here any minute. We should get ready.”

***


True to Snape’s word, Dumbledore arrived a few hours early, just after each of them had showered and gotten dressed.

“What a surprise, Albus! You’re early,” Snape said with fond sarcasm.

“I came to keep you boys company,” Dumbledore said with a smile. “I must say, you two look thoroughly exhausted.”

“We didn’t sleep much last night,” Harry offered.

“Potter!” Snape snapped.

Realizing that he had inadvertently implied something else, Harry immediately added, “Oh sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, I…”

Dumbledore raised his hand and spoke directly to Snape, “Not that it is any of my business, but I did not get the wrong idea, Severus. Relax, my boy.”

Dumbledore chuckled as Snape rolled his eyes, pretending to be annoyed with the Headmaster’s reassurance.

A moment later a house elf appeared with a tray of food.

“Are you hungry, Professor?” Harry asked.

“I’m fine, Harry, thank you. But, by all means, you two should eat.”

Harry spoke, “Severus, what can I get you?”

“Nothing for me.”

Harry ignored him and put some eggs, bacon and toast on a plate and handed it to Snape.

“You should eat, Severus, just a little something,” Harry urged.

“Impertinent brat,” Snape said not unkindly.

Dumbledore could scarcely contain his glee when he noticed that Snape actually started eating the food Harry had plated for him.

“I take it the two of you have finally been talking things out then?” Dumbledore asked with a sparkle in his brilliant blue eyes.

Snape snorted.

Harry smiled at Dumbledore who winked back at him.

Harry saw that Dumbledore was now glancing over at Snape’s desk, apparently taking notice of the large gold cauldron that Harry knew Snape had been tending to for days now.

Inclining his head slightly towards the fine mist emanating from the cauldron, Dumbledore asked with a glimmer of excitement in his voice, “Is that what I think it is, Severus?”

Snape answered with a twinkle of his own, “Yes.”

“May I?” Dumbledore asked.

“Of course.”

Dumbledore stood and strolled over to the cauldron, examining the contents with careful curiosity. “Fascinating. I would love for you to take me through the process, Severus.”

Snape was now beaming from ear to ear. “I would be delighted to.”

The three men sat and talked for a couple of hours about nothing in particular. Dumbledore gave an exhaustive account of what the two of them were missing, which wasn’t very much since almost all the students were away. Harry found the detailed descriptions of the bickering between the staff quite interesting actually. When Dumbledore finally moved onto discussing Professors McGonagall and Trelawney, Harry was on the edge of his seat – he could only too well imagine those two women clawing at each other. Snape, on the other hand, looked bored to tears. Apparently all these staff disputes were nothing new to him.

“If you’ll both excuse me, I have something I need to attend to. I’ll only be a tick.”

“Of course, Severus.”

Moments after Snape left, Dumbledore began, “I suspected that might finally give us a bit of privacy.”

“You mean Professors McGonagall and Trelawney didn’t really have a fight?”

“Harry, my boy, they fight like that every day.”

“Oh. Well, I’m glad we’re alone, sir. There’s something very important I need to tell you. It has to do with Severus’s nightmares. I finally got him to let me stay with him in his bedroom…” Harry began, a large blush creeping onto his face.

“Do satisfy an old man’s curiosity and tell me how you managed that,” Dumbledore said with a curious smile.

“I brewed an anti-aphrodisiac.”

Dumbledore began chuckling, “How very clever of you, Harry.”

“If you only knew the full story…but anyway. Severus’s nightmares…they’re…they’re worse than I could have ever imagined and it got me to thinking about the way he’s been acting. And I wrote to Hermione about this theory I had and well, I think I might know what’s wrong with Severus. I mean…not everything obviously, but maybe an explanation for the nightmares and some other things.”

“Post traumatic stress disorder,” Dumbledore said.

Harry was only momentarily shocked. “You knew all this time.”

“I suspected early on…shortly after the two of you exchanged Unforgivables. I had tea with Severus and his mental walls were extremely unstable and he was apparently unaware of it. That was my first hint that he was not coping very well with the substantial emotional trauma he has suffered – understandably so. Despite my efforts, he did not care to confide in me at the time.”

“Is that why I could hear some of his thoughts last night?” Harry asked.

“I expect so. It is, to put it mildly, very unlike Severus to share his thoughts and feelings so openly. That, of course, was my first clue. But I didn’t know for certain until the night you came to see me after Severus had lost control and showed you those memories. Severus is a man of great restraint, and I knew something had to be very wrong for his anger to have taken control of him like that.”

“But you sent me down here?”

“You were never in any danger, Harry.”

“I didn’t mean—”

“I know you didn’t, but I wanted you to know that. I sent you down here because Severus needed to find a way to be around you again without resorting to denial or anger.”

“So he’ll get better then?”

Dumbledore sighed deeply. “He has suffered a great deal, but it is my hope that, in time, he will get better. However, I hope you understand, Harry, that the post-traumatic stress disorder is but a small piece of what Severus is going through. Of course it is also the most burdensome to him at the moment as it interferes with his daily activities. That is why I sent you down here, so that he could begin confronting it – to get a handle on what has been happening to him with his flashbacks and his lack of control with you. He has many things to work through, but you have given him a solid place to start, Harry.”

“But I’m afraid I’ve only made the nightmares worse.”

“For the time being perhaps – but they will get better. I can see that he has come a long way already. Despite being exhausted, his mental walls are stronger than they’ve been in weeks,” Dumbledore said.

“We had a long talk last night. It was…intense,” Harry said releasing a deep breath.

“I can only imagine.” Dumbledore paused a moment before continuing, a very serious expression on his face; “Harry, I owe you a debt of gratitude, my boy. Severus is…very important to me. I wish I could have done more for him, but I knew you had to be the one to get through to him, Harry. He had been avoiding you because you were triggering his flashbacks and his nightmares. A few days ago, he could not stand to be in the same room with you, let alone accept the kindness of you preparing his brunch plate.”

“But he doesn’t know, does he, that he has this? Shouldn’t we tell him?” Harry asked worriedly.

“Do you really think that it would be wise for you to tell him, Harry?” Dumbledore asked with an amused twinkle.

“Only if I want to be hexed into next week,” Harry said with a grin.

“Quite right. It is not your place to tell him, Harry. That is my place. I put him in this situation and he deserves to know why. Although on some level I’m certain he already knows – he just may not be ready to admit it yet. I will, however, speak with him about the post-traumatic stress disorder, among other things, after you leave tomorrow.”

“I’m leaving tomorrow?” Harry asked in surprise.

“Yes. Oh, one moment Harry.” Dumbledore snapped his fingers and began placing an order for tea with the house elf, “A pot of ginger-honey tea and a pot of…earl grey?” he asked, giving Harry a measured look. Harry nodded. “Yes, earl grey and some chocolate biscuits and cardamom scones please. Ah yes, Harry…for my other bit of news. I am releasing you a few days early. Molly owled this morning to inform me that that Ron and Hermione have decided to come back earlier than planned so that they can spend some time with you before the rest of the students arrive. They are due to arrive at 10 am tomorrow morning.”

“Oh…okay,” Harry said, feeling oddly disappointed by the news that he would be leaving Severus earlier than he had expected.

Dumbledore continued, “If I know Severus as I do, he will no doubt suggest you take the week off from your lessons with him. And I believe you should take him up on the offer, Harry.”

“What? Why?”

“Because first of all you should use the opportunity to spend some time with your friends and take in some much needed relaxation and sleep. I know you have had quite a trying Holiday, Harry. And also, I am going to need the time with Severus. We have much to discuss.”

“Oh…” Harry said, trying to suppress his concern for leaving Severus alone.

Dumbledore jumped on Harry’s concern, “I shall be here with him, Harry. You need not worry.”

“Alright.” After a brief pause, Harry spoke again, “There’s something else I need to talk to you about, sir.”

Dumbledore beamed, “I know there is, my boy, but seeing as Severus will be joining us in just a moment, why don’t you think on it some more tonight and you can come see me tomorrow morning before Ron and Hermione arrive.”

Damn, he knows everything! “I’ll do that, sir.”

“Excellent. Ah…Severus, welcome back. I’ve just ordered us some tea – and your favorite scones.”

***


After a pleasant dinner and a thoroughly enjoyable evening, Dumbledore bid Harry and Severus goodnight.

“Well my boys, I will leave you to your last night together. Harry, don’t forget, 10 am.”

“Yes, sir.”

“What’s this about?” Snape asked, clearly confused.

“Oh, I forgot to mention, Severus. I am releasing Harry from his confinement in the dungeons tomorrow morning since Ron and Hermione are coming back early especially to see him.”

Snape’s face remained impassive, but Dumbledore keen gaze observed the flicker of disappointment in his eyes.

Snape replied evenly, “Finally…some privacy.”

“Don’t get too used to it, my boy. I shall be here at four o’clock sharp tomorrow for tea. We have many things to discuss.”

“I look forward to it, Albus.”

“Goodnight, my boys.”

A few moments after Dumbledore left, Snape was tending to his potion once more.

“What is that anyway?” Harry finally asked. “Are you making something for Professor Dumbledore?”

“No. This is for my Pensieve. Albus got me one for Christmas…quite extraordinary really.”

“He got you a Pensieve?” Harry asked incredulously. Even Harry, who knew very little about such things, was awed. He remembered how rare Severus had told him Pensieves were.

“Yes.”

“Oh…and the potion…is that that silvery stuff?”

“That silvery stuff, as you so eloquently put it, is actually a colloidal suspension of about 50 distinct potions, but yes, that is what I’m brewing.”

“It doesn’t come with that?”

“The stone basin itself is extremely rare. It is carved from nearly impossible to find enchanted rock and it is engraved magically with these Ancient Runes whose meaning is known only to perhaps one or two persons on this planet. It is…priceless…to say the least,” Snape said shaking his head in astonishment.

Harry could tell that Severus was unable to understand how he could warrant such a gift. “You deserve it, Severus. You more than anyone else.” Harry realized with relief that the Pensieve could make things much easier on Severus. At least he could remove some of his most horrifying memories when they became too difficult to bear. Musing that this could help speed Severus’s recovery, Harry asked hopefully, “So when will it be ready?”

Reading the meaning behind Harry’s words, Severus responded, “Not nearly soon enough. The process is very complex – and it’s not as though there is a well-defined procedure – but I anticipate with some luck, I may be able to have it ready in a year.”

“A year?” Harry asked, clearly dumbfounded.

“That is assuming that the protocols I have are correct. They may not be…more research may be required.”

“I didn’t realize…wow…” Harry began, his mouth still hanging open in shock.

“Yes,” Snape said, a smirk painting the corners of his mouth, “I think ‘wow’ is the appropriate reaction.”

***


That night the two had a brief argument over their sleeping arrangements. Snape didn’t like the idea of Harry staying with him again – not because he minded, but because he knew that their confinement was almost over. Having Harry stay with him would only prolong the inevitable separation. But Harry insisted on staying and after the two downed their potions, they made their way to the bed.

Despite the warmth of the flannel sheets, Harry shivered involuntarily as he considered the fact that this might very well be the last night he would ever spend in this bed – the very last night he might ever spend with Severus.

“Are you cold?” Snape asked, pulling the duvet higher over both of them.

“Thanks,” Harry said softly, feeling comforted by Severus’s attentiveness.

Both men were exhausted from the previous night’s lack of sleep and it didn’t take long for either to drift off. But as they lay there, staring at their own corner of the ceiling, each was burdened by their thoughts.

Harry knew things would get much harder from this point on. He knew that Snape would retreat back into his shell as soon as he left the dungeons. But he also knew that Dumbledore was right. He needed to give Severus a little time to think about things on his own, and time for Dumbledore to get through to him the way only Dumbledore could.

Snape meanwhile was realizing with regret that things would never be the same between Harry and himself again. He knew that once Harry left, their lives would soon return to ‘normal’ – their weekly lessons and the ensuing animosity between them would begin anew.

Before succumbing to sleep, Harry whispered, “Goodnight, Severus.”

“Goodnight.”

Snape waited until he was absolutely sure Harry was asleep before he scooted over closer to the young man. Snape pressed a gentle kiss to Harry’s temple and then whispered words he never thought he would utter aloud, “I love you, Harry.”

Harry may have been asleep, but he dreamt of a tall dark man protecting him against all the horrors of the world.

***


(Day 10)

Snape awoke to find Harry’s side of the bed empty. He got up and threw on his familiar green bathrobe. Although his nightmares had woken him several times during the night, he had managed to get a few solid hours of sleep – the first such stretch in a long while. When he strode into the sitting room, he was more than a little surprised to find Harry fully dressed, packed, and already locking his trunk. Harry promptly shrunk it down and placed it in his pocket.

Snape spoke, his presence clearly startling Harry, “You’re leaving rather early. Didn’t the Headmaster say Granger and Weasley were coming at 10?” Snape asked. Merlin, you sound pathetic, Severus! Like an abandoned child.

“Yes,” Harry said, “but I…I have some things to take care of.”

“Of course,” Snape replied in his typical impassive manner.

“So…I guess I’ll see you Monday then.”

“Actually, why don’t you take the week off? You’ve been working quite hard and you deserve a break. I’d expect you’d want to devote some time to flying and your friends after having been cooped up in the dungeons for 10 days,” Snape said with no trace of sarcasm. “Not to mention the fact that you should catch up on all the sleep you’ve missed because of me.”

Damn Dumbledore’s good! Harry thought.

“Actually, Severus,” Harry said, “I could use the time. Thanks.”

Snape masterfully hid the surprise from his face. He hadn’t expected Harry to accept the offer. He replied, “It’s the least I can do after Albus had you locked up here. Well then, I shall see you in Potions.”

“Yes. Goodbye, Severus.”

Harry left the sitting room, shutting the door behind him.

Ten days ago – maybe even two days ago – Snape would have been ecstatic to be rid of Harry Potter. However pleased he was to regain his privacy, he also felt an unmistakable twinge of regret. He knew that Harry would go back to his dorm, to his friends and by week’s end they would be back to their usual arrangement. A week in Gryffindor tower, away from Snape would be more than enough to erase anything that had developed between them. Reality would creep into their lives and Harry would surely be snapped out of this fiction that Albus had created.

Looking intently at the door, Snape said to no one in particular, his voice full of sadness and finality, “Goodbye, Harry.”

---------------------------------------------
A/N: Thanks again to everyone for their reviews and comments. I am especially flattered by your comments about the originality of my story. I try.

Hope you enjoyed this chapter....
Since it was a bit short, i’ll try to tantalize you with the summary of next chapter: Harry tells Ron and Hermione that he’s in love with Snape. And classes start up again.

Looking forward to your comments.