One wish alone have I

Chapter 21 (part 1)
A new beginning

Severus showed up at the meeting point precisely on time. Not one minute early, not one minute late. I did the exact same thing; as a result, we met on the staircase between the second and first floors. The second he heard my step behind him, he stopped and waited until I reached his level. He composedly turned to his side and greeted me with scrutinizing eyes.

“Good evening, Antanasia,” he quietly said.

“Good evening, Severus. How was your day?” I politely replied.

“As usual. Yours?”

“Same.”

An uneasy silence was all that kept our conversation going for the following seconds, after which Severus put his hands behind his back and shrugged his shoulders.

“Were you heading to the front doors?” he asked.

“Yes… I believe we had a rendezvous, you and I.”

“Shall we?” he said, offering me his arm.

“Absolutely,” I kindly replied, walking proudly ahead of him.

We stopped in the hall for a moment, so I could put on my gloves, hood and sunglasses in order to protect myself from the sun, as usual. An instant after we did, however, just as I was putting my second glove on, I saw Severus’ features sharpen and become curious about something. Following his glance, I saw that the Great Dragon’s orb was filling with thick yellow smoke.

“Is that a usual phenomenon?” Severus asked.

“Not usual, but normal, certainly,” I explained. “The presence of smoke usually means that the person standing next to the Dragon has their senses alert and their skills at their best to consult the orb. The smoke is usually white, but I have seen it come in other colours as well.”

“Would you like to consult the orb, then?” he courteously asked. “Do not let me keep you.”

“Thank you, Severus, but I will have plenty of other occasions to consult the Dragon. I do not want to keep you waiting.”

In truth, I chose not to consult the orb because I was worried about what it would show. Severus’ presence made me uncomfortable; the Dragon could have shown me anything, including images about my little boy, and I certainly did not feel ready to see him in Severus’ presence. Furthermore, I was impatient to walk to the Carpathian Mountains… with him.

Severus deferentially let me choose our destination, so we simply Disapparated to the other side of the magical cliff and started climbing up, following a small path that wound between the trees. The first stages of our small expedition were only accompanied by the forest’s beautiful sounds: the wind in the trees, the flapping sound of a bird’s wings as it took flight, the patter of a rabbit’s paws on the grass as it bounced away from us and, of course, the roaring sound of the falls, growing feebler and more distant with each step we made.

My preferred means of locomotion being walking or flying, I went up the path relatively effortlessly. Severus, however, was not used to that type of physical exercise and he was soon out of breath. I do not blame him; he did not have much time to exercise at Hogwarts. Though he did not want it to show, I heard his accelerated breathing behind me. I slowed down my pace considerably, but the slope became even more steep. I knew him well enough not to suggest a pause. Fortunately, a short moment of reflection gave me an idea.

“Severus, I would like us to be at a certain point when the sunset really begins; the view is breathtaking. I appear to have miscalculated the time it would take us; blame it on my habit of flying there. Would you let me Apparate us?”

“Is it far from here?” he asked.

“A bit,” I lied, “and from what I see, the sun will soon disappear. Do you want to take position?” I added, purposefully choosing the very words he had used in a similar situation, ages before.

“Certainly,” he replied, with a very faint grin.

In a matter of seconds, his smell had ensnared my senses again and his powerful arms were around me, pressing me tighter than necessary against him. Only then did I realise what my proposition implied, but it was too late to turn back. I lightly pressed my hands on the fabric of his frock coat and resisted the temptation to give him a long caress. His body was very warm from the climb… and maybe from a couple of other things as well. Not feeling ready to find out which ones just yet, I took a deep breath, concentrated hard and made us vanish. Our feet landed on the grass barely half a mile from where we previously stood and I broke our embrace. Severus’ hands felt like they left me with an intense regret.

We sat on a large rock just as the sun rays first started to turn to a darker shade of gold. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him undo the knot of his silk tie and open the front of his coat and shirt with a sigh of relief. He then took out his wand and threw a Refreshing spell on himself.

“You can take your coat off, you know,” I suggested, trying not to sound too ironic. “You do not need to observe the usual formalities with me.”

“Thank you, but I guess I love my old habits,” he simply replied.

“I thought you were here to change them a little bit?” I argued, sounding slightly ironic this time.

“You are quite covered yourself,” he pointed out.

“By obligation only. Look around you, Severus; you are surrounded by nothing else other than Mother Nature. If I were in your place, I would kick off my boots, and take off my socks and coat at the very least! You must be overheating; I do not see why you should suffer like that.”

“Call it sympathy, then. You must suffer even more than I do, right now,” he mysteriously argued.

I do not believe I replied anything, but I am sure we both turned back to the sunset and watched the sun sink slowly in the oat fields, colouring them with bright shades of red and orange, just as if they had been set on fire. I never got tired of that particular scenery; the very symbol of the never-ending cycle of night and day, of life and death, brought me a peace of mind that was completely unique. I wished, at that moment, that I could transmit some of that peace to Severus, who looked at the thin pieces of mirrors that the rivers had become with a mind that was racing with far too many unrelated thoughts.

“Ready for your first lesson?” I asked, in a far softer tone.

“Go ahead,” he said, seeming a bit surprised.

“I did not break through your mental barriers, Severus, but I know you enough to guess that your mind is racing right now. Is it not?”

“It is.”

“Mine was racing too, when we first Apparated here. It would be racing still, but I made it slow down. And that is probably why, contrary to you, I do not need to throw additional Refreshing spells on myself. You told me yesterday that you are slowly discovering life’s new tastes. If you want to taste this, you have to turn your mind off a little bit.”

“You do not ask an easy thing for a first lesson,” he commented, raising a protesting eyebrow.

“I know. But let me tell you one thing. You have a brilliant mind, Severus, and when you put it to work, it can make breathtaking accomplishments. With time, however, I think you have forgotten how to enjoy simple things, like what is in front of us now. What were you thinking about, during the last few minutes?”

“I was thinking about many things… worrying about what is happening with the Death Eaters, the Order… worrying about you, about my decision to stay here, away from the war, about if that makes me a coward or not, ab--”

“Okay, Severus,” I interrupted, putting my hand on his. “I think that gives me a good idea.”

I was tempted to make him see what his ever-present worries cost him in terms of stress, energy, trying relationships and moods, to put it all right in his face. But then I remembered that the whole point of spending time together that night was to make him evolve and grow as he had requested with sincerity and, surprisingly, vulnerability. Blaming him or making him feel bad was certainly not an option, in that regard. Setting myself as an example and remembering Valerica’s good advice, I put my negative feelings aside and tried to focus on the wizard who stood behind my resting room’s door the previous night. What to reply came easily to my mind.

“It must not be easy to be in your shoes every night…”

“You get used to it,” he simply said, not moving a finger under my hand.

“Do you really?”

“I did not say I want it to remain this way, however,” he clarified.

“Then what do you do to clear your mind from all this?”

“I do not. I cannot afford it,” he resolutely replied. “Not in my situation.”

“I understand that, to all appearances, you are in a situation where you must be continually on guard,” I gently argued. “But I am in a similar situation, after all… and I do enjoy every bit of that sunset in front of us. I cannot always do it, but I do my best. Do not take it as a reproach, but maybe… instead as a proof that peace of mind is possible, and even more profitable, in times like this.”

“You think so?”

“Of course!” I firmly said, squeezing his hand before I even had time to wonder if I should. “As much as I wish I could, I cannot control everything, and the same goes for you. Taking obsessive control over things that are in your power is a mistake. Ruminating over things like these will neither do you good, nor will it make you find better solutions. It is only an illusion. It took me decades to fully grasp the impact of such illusions on me, but I think I am beginning to understand it better now.”

“Admitting to such a lack of control would make me the puppet of fate!” he protested.

“In some ways we are puppets of fate, Severus,” I declared. “It is useless to fight against it; put it in your pocket and keep walking. It will feel awkward at first, but you will go forward, at least, instead of standing on one spot like you have been doing so far!”

I abruptly stopped talking, realising that the words that flowed out of my mouth so easily were addressed to myself as much as they were addressed to him.

“Nobody is perfect, I guess,” I softly said, after a while, “for I forget those principles myself, from time to time. We are all doing our best in difficult situations.”

“Still, I want to know,” he said, in the same tone. “What did you do to enjoy the scenery in front of us… to enjoy it still now?”

“I guess I choose to let go of what I cannot control, and I have faith.”

“In fate?”

“In who I am. I will not ask you something you cannot accomplish; you have had to survive through too many trying moments to have faith in fate. However, you can have faith in who you are, Severus. Have you not survived through too much, indeed, not to be able to find the certitude, somewhere in your heart, that you can face danger even if it does occur after all? I certainly do. Once you find that faith, Severus, you can stop questioning everything and turning everything upside down in your head all the time, trying to anticipate what could possibly go wrong. And then, you can turn your mind to the smaller joys that are right in front of you. Like the pleasure of seeing the very first star shining in the sky… right there,” I added, pointing at the star in question.

I let him ponder those words while I slowly removed my sunglasses, cloak and gloves. The last pink clouds slowly vanished at the horizon and I silently watched the stars as they gradually shone through the dying remains of the day. I, too, needed to be reminded those things. I, too, had forgotten how to enjoy a starry sky. I thanked Severus in my heart for letting me teach a lesson to myself as much as I taught him, and I think he felt my gratefulness when he gently intertwined his fingers with mine, which did not push him away.

“Let me ask you a question again,” I finally said, after a while. “Tell me one of the things you do when you really want to relax.”

“I ask you to play a game of chess with me,” he said, after a small hesitation.

“From the sound of your voice, it almost seems like a proposition,” I replied with a smile that was a bit larger than intended.

“After dinner, my room?”

“After dinner, in the garden,” I suggested, my smile fading a little and my eyes turning back to the dark sky.

“Agreed.”

We watched the sky for a few more minutes in silence before we rose to our feet and started walking towards the castle. We still did not say anything, but silence felt much lighter between us as we walked. It was refreshing to feel that way.

Alas! There were things we both avoided discussing, and they resurfaced soon enough. Severus behaved like a true gentleman during dinner and our game of chess afterwards. He even respected my need for space and did not ask to accompany me when I joined Valerica in one of the castle’s boudoirs for a bit of conversation. Valerica asked me a few questions about my time with the wizard, but she was not nosy and, other than telling her that Severus seemed to gradually open his mind to another perspective, I did not go into details.

The two following nights, Severus and I met on the staircase on our way to the front door and we walked up one of the mountain’s paths. On the third night, he surprised me by commenting kindly on the way I had kept him company, one night in the dungeon, by charming the ceiling to let it show the celestial dome that was the starry sky.

“I did not really know what to think, when you did that. It was a bit unexpected,” he concluded.

“I know. I think I surprised even myself,” I replied with a faint smile.

“What were exactly your intentions that night?”

“I think I was starting to enjoy the time we spent together, even if it was not something I fully wanted to come in contact with. I was filled with joy and bliss from the beautiful things I had seen right before I came to see you, and I simply gave in to the urge to share it with you.”

“And come closer, too,” he observed.

“In a way, yes. My intentions were not physical, if this is what you are thinking,” I assured him, “but nothing in what I did was calculated either. I started to be touched by you, definitely, and I wanted to know what it would feel like to open up to you a little bit.”

“And?” he asked, raising a very curious eyebrow.

“And it felt good to talk to you like I did,” I admitted. “You did not say much, but I knew you were listening to each word I said. It had its importance.”

“I am glad it did. Do you believe you could still find it somewhere in me, even now?” he gravely asked.

“I believe so,” I hesitantly replied. “Why do you ask?”

“There are still many things that we have not talked about, you and I.”

“Like what?” I asked, feeling unnecessarily alarmed.

“Like this summer’s… events.”

His choice of words was not intended as such, but they hit me like a slap in my face. I did not understand, then, that people who cared for me chose those vague words because they indeed cared for me and did not want me to get hurt with the painful truth. Miscarriage… bereavement… death. Those were not easy words to pronounce, but I blamed my loved ones for not saying them, Severus even more than all the others. I expected him, at least, to be able to talk to me about it in straightforward terms, like he almost always discussed everything, but he chose to protect me like everyone else and I felt like he failed me. Lamentably.

“This summer’s events!” I aggressively hissed. “I will talk about this summer’s events when I am ready, Severus, and not a second before. From the way you talk about it yourself, I find it obvious that you are not ready. So if you do not mind, we will simply drop the subject and talk about something else.”

“As you wish, but I do not think we can drop the subject eternally,” he dryly retorted, getting up irritably. “Why is everybody acting as if I knew better than them? It is quite the opposite! I am the one who has been left in the dark here… and everybody expects me to act like the perfect gentleman all the same!”

“Had you been there in crucial moments, you would not have been kept in the dark, you fool,” I grumpily thought, only giving him a tense huff in answer.

“I will not wait forever, you know,” he gravely said. “You have every right to stay silent about what happened, I can understand that. But I will need to know about what is to become of us sooner or later.”

“What do you mean?” I stubbornly asked.

“You know what I mean, Antanasia,” he said disappointedly. “There is no reason for me to stay here as a simple guest… I would prefer to be your guest. I feel you are so distant towards me, right now… you ask me to open up to you, but you keep shutting yourself from me.”

I did not have the chance to reply. A light flapping sound made us raise our heads and look up; Ivantie’s owl was heading towards us, making its way between the trees. It landed on a branch at Severus’ side; the latter untied the message from the bird’s leg and frowned worrisomely when he acknowledged its content.

“What is it?” I asked, putting our trying conversation aside for a moment.

“Ivantie has received a report from the front. There have been some incidents with Russian soldiers in the Ukraine. Andrusha said he would take care of it, as it might prove to be only something minor, but Ivantie wants to see for himself. He is asking me if I want to accompany him with a few others from Zaharia.”

“And? Will you go?” I replied, trying to make myself believe that it did not matter to me that much.

“Yes,” he said, after looking at me for several seconds, apparently waiting for me to hold him back. “I will not let Ivantie down if he specifically asks me to be there. Will you accompany me to the castle?”

“Are they leaving soon?”

“In an hour. They are probably already packing and so must I.”

He opened his arms and I let him engulf me in his embrace without a second thought before he Apparated us to the castle. Ivantie, Niculaie and Marcela were indeed preparing to leave within the hour. Severus and Marcela had specifically been chosen because, in addition to their battling skills, they had the magical capacity to Apparate Ivantie and Niculaie (who were Muggles before their rebirth) to the front. I quickly stored some provisions of Blood potion with Tomasz for them, and made sure Severus would have enough food, too. It was not much, but it was enough to keep myself busy while they were packing… enough to turn my attention away from the sinking sensation in my stomach.

Fear.

A soft rap on my lab’s door informed me that it was time to say goodbye. I took the provisions bags with Tomasz and went downstairs to the front doors where the castle’s inhabitants had gathered. I noticed at once that Severus was not wearing any armour, contrary to the others. I did not like that sight.

“Come back soon,” said Valerica, giving Ivantie a long kiss. “And send owls many times a night, will you?”

“Do not worry,” he replied, holding her in his strong arms.

“Watch over him,” I whispered in Ivantie’s ear as he held me, too. “I do not like the way we are parting, him and I… and he is not wearing any protection!”

“I will keep a close watch,” he whispered back, leaving a chaste kiss on my forehead… before he patted my rear mischievously.

Valerica told Severus and Niculaie some encouraging words, and then Severus came to me.

“I truly wished we were parting on better terms, Antanasia,” he began, after he gave out a long sigh. “Anyway, I see that it does not seem possible for now. However, in the eventuality that I do not come back…”

“Do not say that!” I severely spat, nevertheless putting a caring hand on his hand that was not fumbling the inner pocket of his cloak.

“I wrote you a letter,” he continued, undisturbed. “I have already said most of the things I wanted to share with you… but there are a couple of very important things that you must know. They are written in here,” he said, giving me a small roll of parchment.

“I will wait for your return to read them, Severus,” I softly protested.

“Then the thought of you waiting will be at my side during our journey,” he said, running the back of his fingers alongside my right cheek. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye,” echoed my strangled voice.

Severus walked back towards the small group of soldiers. Marcela waved me goodbye and so did Niculaie before they held each other tight and Marcela made them Disapparate to the front. Severus Disapparated with Ivantie seconds later. His eyes never left mine.


~*~

“Valerica? Valerica! Are you there?”

“Yes, yes, Tasia! I never left the room!” she gruffly replied from the window above me.

“Have you received any owl?”

“For the hundredth time, no! Look,” she said, huffing in moderate vexation, “you should come upstairs and sit with me in my boudoir instead of pacing the garden like that and screaming at my window every twenty minutes!”

“I just cannot calm down! I will tear your boudoir’s wallpaper into pieces if you lock me in there!”

“Fine, fine… I am coming down, then,” she grumbled in defeat.

Valerica’s light steps crunched on the gravel of the garden’s path behind me a few minutes later. She was carrying her handiwork with her, and walked towards me with a self-confidence that was meant to hide the worries that inhabited her at that moment, but it did not fool me. The two pearls of jade that were her eyes had a dull and somewhat flat glow when she turned them to me.

“Come with me,” she said, having apparently forgotten the irritability caused by my repetitive inquiries. “I am sure that we can find a nice bench somewhere.”

We sat together among fragrant bushes of roses and honeysuckle. Valerica immediately put her cross-stitch work aside and put a comforting hand on my shoulder.

“They only left three hours ago, Antanasia…. If they arrived in the middle of a confrontation, they might still be dealing with it as we speak. Do not take their silence the wrong way.”

“I cannot help but worry if… something happened to Severus,” I said worrisomely. “I am worried about Ivantie and the others, too, of course! But Severus… I let him go without being able to remove some of the dark thoughts he carried on his shoulders. I feel bad about this, you know. What if something happened to him, Valerica?” I anxiously insisted.

“Nothing serious will happen to him tonight, my love,” she reassuringly said.

“How can you be so sure? Are you saying this just to encourage me?”

“I say it because I know. He is going to come back to Zaharia, just as the others will.”

“How do you know?”

“I know from what the Great Dragon showed me the night Severus arrived at the castle.”

“You still will not tell me anything?”

“I am afraid not, but at least I can tell you enough for you to stop fretting like you are, no?” she replied, taking one of my loose curls and placing it behind my shoulder. “I saw him give you a roll of parchment. Did you open it?”

“No!” I exclaimed, taking the parchment out of my robes and cupping it with my hands. “He told me to open it if he did not come back! If I did… it would be like wishing him a misfortune…”

“Do not be silly, Tasia!” she chuckled. “Open it! If I understood him well, he said it contained things he wanted to let you know… not things he wanted you to know if he died!”

“You have been eavesdropping!” I replied, slapping her side with the roll of parchment, which merely made her laugh.

“I did not mean to… but I heard all the same. Quick! Open the letter! It will help you cope with your impatience, at least.”

I huffed, chuckled, hesitated… and did as she suggested. I instinctively braced myself for any kind of message… but was shocked all the same. The topic he wanted to discuss should not have surprised me that much, and it did not… but the realisation that he had it on his mind in a moment like this did shake me, and greatly.

Dearest Antanasia,

Yet another letter that I hurriedly write on the corner of a desk… I should really take the time to write you more often, in calmer conditions. But as I said, I am in a hurry, so I will be brief.

Even if you do not want to talk about it, Antanasia, there is one thing you really ought to know. When I left Hogwarts, that day… I did not have the slightest idea that you were pregnant. Contrary to what you so obviously believe, I was far too distressed to feel anything coherent, let alone use my Legilimency skills to get a more accurate feel. I had made a very difficult decision and I wanted to put it behind me as quickly as possible in fear that… that I might not be able to do it if you woke up.

I held back the first angry thoughts that instinctively came to the surface as I read about his brutal break up and simply kept on reading avidly.

Unfortunately, however, I have no proof to give you… other than the things I told you about the weeks I went through, after… and the state I was in. As for why you became pregnant in the first place, I did give it some thought… a lot of thought, for a few weeks. All I can say is that I obviously did not cast the contraceptive spells right that night. Again… I was not truly myself when it happened. And… I must admit that I did not really have time to use those spells often, before we were together, not since the war began. I did not really want that kind of relationship for that reason… so I guess I have lost the habit somehow.

I put the letter down and pondered over its message for a few minutes. I, too, had gotten quite carried away during that night… I remembered that I had cast spells as well, which also made me responsible.

I sincerely hope that you are reading this letter out of the curiosity I know you have, and not because bad news about my fate has reached you. If that is the case, however, I derive a certain peace of mind from the knowledge that I have told you everything I wanted you to know, at least. Whether you finally find the capacity to forgive me or not does not depend on what I said or did not say anymore.

If you must know, I have one regret that is too obvious for me to ignore right now, and it is that we should speak of that last night we spent together in a negative way. It has been painful for both of us… but I cherish those memories doubly, now that they are only memories indeed.

Antanasia… seeing the infernal flames of Hell burning in your eyes… knowing that those flames are born from the touch of my hands, my mouth… from the words of love and lust that escape through my lips against your ear… from the joining of our bodies, so close and so deep that our souls join, too! Oh, what would I give to light that fire again!

I put a hand over my lips and stopped rereading that last passage only because too many tears were blurring my eyes. I blinked them away, barely aware that Valerica’s hand had made its way back against my shoulder and stroked it gently, and then I chuckled when I noticed a small tear on the left side of the page, just above that last paragraph. Apparently, Severus had gotten a little more ardent than intended, and he wanted to rip off that last part! It sounded quite different from his usual style, indeed… but it went right to my heart and woke many old emotions and memories.

Niculaie is waiting for me; I must end this letter here. Take good care of yourself, Antanasia, and I hope to see you again very soon.

Severus

“What should I think about those tears, my little one?” asked Valerica, putting an end to the chaos of thoughts in my head. “Are they born out of sorrow or joy?”

“Both!” I gasped, wiping my tears away with the back of my hand. “He did not know that I was pregnant when he left, Valerica.”

“That does not surprise me, but I am glad he made it clear to you, at long last,” she declared. “And what about that flush on your cheeks?” she added with a smile.

“Some happy memories…” I vaguely explained.

I mused over those for a moment, during which Valerica calmly stitched next to me, a dreamy smile adorning her lips. She startled when I suddenly got to my feet.

“What is it?” she asked in alarm, raising her eyes to the sky. “An owl?”

“I need to know what is happening on that battlefield, Valerica,” I firmly declared. “I cannot wait for an owl any longer. Are you coming with me?”

“Of course,” she replied, getting up, too. “I admit I am impatient for news myself.”

We quickly walked to the hall and both respectfully bowed in front of the Great Dragon. Rising my hands to the ceiling, I uttered the incantation and the animal came back to life before our eyes. Between our hands, the orb filled with pale blue smoke and showed us, to our puzzlement, a close look on grass that had been trampled many times over. A split second later, we both screamed in shock when the head of a man unexpectedly appeared there, as if it had just hit the ground we were looking at. The face we saw was covered with blood, and thick locks of black hair were stuck over its motionless features.

“By the Goddess, what happened?” exclaimed Valerica, turning to where I stood.

She only heard a loud crack as I Disapparated away.

~*~

In my frantic haste, I decided to Apparate very close to the battlefield. As soon as my vision got clear again, I acknowledged my surroundings. It was easy to locate the site where the battle was taking place; the variety of sounds that came to me from the northwest was very revealing. The sound of metallic objects smacking each other got ominously mixed with the sounds of spells, jinxes and hexes, along with screams of pain, rage or surprise. I Transfigured into an eagle and flew there at once.

The sight was not as horrible as I thought it would be, to my surprise. I thought I would find a large gathering of troops fighting each other fiercely, but I rather saw a disorganised group of cainites engaged in what absolutely did not look like a formal battle. They were fighting, however, but it did not last long after my arrival. I flew over the field, using my eagle vision to find Severus’ body, but even with my sharpened acuity, I could not see him. Many pale faces could be mistaken for his, in the gloomy night, and I plunged many times to merely find a corpse or a wounded soldier that was not him. I felt obliged to give primary care to those I found who were alive, however; I could not just leave them to their fate, helpless in front of a merciless soldier’s sword.

I worked quickly and stabilised the most wounded I could find, and then I Disapparated them to the camp’s hospital tent, which had indeed limited but sufficient medical resources (if I remember well, that tent even had a surgery room). I brought back several of our soldiers, some of whom I recognized as old acquaintances. Our soldiers were about to win the battle; the Russians were gradually retreating and I was able to work in relative peace without having to fight… or so I thought.

I was making rudimentary magical stiches on a cainite’s neck when a hand tapped my back. Throwing a hex over my shoulder, I took advantage of the diversion by seizing the injured soldier’s sword and turned back in the blink of an eye to face my opponent. Our swords hit each other roughly with a tinny sound, and just as I was about to throw another defensive spell, a familiar voice pierced through the night between us.

“Tasia, it is me!” said Marcela. “The fight is over, we won! Stop making a fuss, will you?”

“The fight is over?” I nervously asked, still overflowed by the adrenaline of my self-defence reflexes.

“Yes, the Russians have completely retreated,” she said, panting from her efforts and removing her neck protection.

“What happened?” I asked, going hurriedly back to the soldier I was taking care of.

“The militia,” she simply replied. “A group of rebels that defied Pietr’s orders and decided to try and take advantage of the truce. Nothing too threatening, but threatening enough to deserve our serious attention. I believe we have shown them that it is not to their advantage to try something like this again. I guess they will go back to doing little raids here and there. They lost many of their men and women in tonight’s battle.”

“Marcela, have you seen Severus?” I asked, conjuring a stretcher to levitate the soldier on it.

“Not for a while. You want me to look around for him?”

“Yes, please! I think he is badly injured!” I said through clenched teeth, trying to shut the lugubrious thoughts that crept into my mind as I remembered the images I had seen in the orb.

“He is not dead… he is not dead, Valerica said he would not die tonight!” I repeatedly thought, as I Disapparated that soldier to the hospital tent and came back yet one more time to find others.

I helped our army’s Healers for about half an hour before most of the soldiers we could save were rescued and brought back to the camp. During my search for survivors, I desperately checked every face in hopes of finding him, but it was in vain. Marcela came back to me as I was about to Disapparate; her face showed me the unmistakable signs of sorrow.

“I did not find him, Tasia,” she said, putting a comforting hand on my arm. “You should go to the hospital tent and ask for him. I think the army’s Healers will handle the rest; I will give a hand. Go!”

She did not need to tell me twice. I Disapparated at once to the hospital tent and grabbed the first Healer I saw by the sleeve of her robes.

“Has an injured human been brought here?” I asked.

“Yes, I think so… but I cannot say if he is still here or not. People have walked in and out all night, I really cannot say,” she answered.

I politely thanked her and tried to focus my mind despite my agitation. Once I slowed my breathing and calmed down a little, things became clearer. I mentally searched for Severus’ presence, but did not find him anywhere. My impatience soon got the better of me and I struggled against myself not to scream his name from corridor to corridor. I finally opted to go outside and search the other tents.

It took me a while. Though most of our soldiers had been sent back home during the truce and left the tents empty, the camp represented a large area for me to search. Once I reached the back row and turned my attention to the right, however, I got a faint but familiar impression that drew a little gasp of hope from my mouth. I started walking, then ran towards where my senses were drawn, stumbling many times on the irregularities of the ground when I stopped looking where I was putting my feet. At long last, my mental calls got the reply they so desperately sought.

“Antanasia?” said Severus’ voice, loud and clear, in my head. “What in the name of Merlin are you doing here?”

“Where are you, Severus? I cannot see you!”

Seconds later, I saw his head emerge between the panels of a tent, barely ten meters ahead of me. I stopped running and stared at him. My feet just refused to obey me anymore. I suddenly felt horribly silly, standing there, completely out of breath from my erratic run and my anxiety, probably with an expression of pure bewilderment and alarm on my face. To add to the general impression I made, my hair was all ruffled by my wound-up state and hectic medical efforts on the battlefield, not to mention my robes that were splattered with blood and dirt.

“I am a mess,” I thought. “I look like a chicken with its head cut off!”

And what if he did not want me there in the first place? What if my presence there made him angry? I could not even clearly see the expression his features were taking; there was no way for me to tell if my presence was even welcome!

Severus did not give me time to ponder the question long; he walked the distance between us with long and rapid steps and crushed my quivering body in his arms before I could even think of moving away from him. He was not wearing his frock coat, and his completely unbuttoned shirt was stained with blood; I could feel the delicious warmth of his skin through the fabric of my robes. His heart was knocking so hard against my chest that it felt like it wanted to shake up mine and give it the power to beat again. For a moment there, I felt so entranced by the vigour of his embrace that I believed it was indeed possible.

“Merlin, Antanasia…” he murmured in my ear with a very hoarse voice. “Please, explain to me… help me understand why I can face a hundred soldiers almost fearlessly and still tremble like a leaf in the wind whenever you are next to me?”

“I wish I could… but I cannot; I feel the very same, Severus.”

“Why have you come here?” he said, rather disapprovingly. “It was very dangerous to Apparate in the middle of battle!”

“Valerica and I were consulting the Great Dragon, and he showed me your face covered with blood,” I defensively explained, removing my forehead from the side of his neck and taking a few steps back. “I did not even know if your head was still attached to the rest of your body! How do you think I would react? Of course I came here at once!”

“Oh,” he said, in a softer voice. “Come here, I will show you what the Dragon made you see.”

I followed him to his tent and, in the candlelight, he pointed a large cut above his left eyebrow.

“That type of cut tends to bleed a lot,” he explained. “I could barely see where I was walking; someone helped me find my way back to the hospital tent. And well, I guess some of the blood you saw was not only mine…”

“That explains it, then,” I tensely said, cursing myself for having travelled that far, in total panic, for such a benign wound.

The only thing I could do was feel embarrassed about my most inconvenient display of irrational emotions and sit silently on a wooden chair in a corner. Severus’ vibrant voice tore me out of my dark reverie a moment later.

“Have you read my letter, by any chance?”

“Yes. Thank you for telling me those things.”

“Those were the only things I could inform you about, I am afraid,” he said, after a pause. “We should have discussed them before now; it is regrettable that it had to happen this way. But… as I told you earlier, I was kept in the dark about what happened to you.”

“Sometimes, it felt like you did not even want to hear about it in the first place, Severus,” I pointed out.

“On the contrary!” he defensively replied, raising two impatient hands in his fieriness. “Nobody told me anything; all I could get were bits of information here and there. Dumbledore would not tell me much, Ivantie preferred to leave it to you, and Valerica refused to tell me anything more than the insults she threw in my face when I arrived at Zaharia!”

“She kept insulting you?” I asked in incomprehension.

“No, of course not. She was polite with me after that night, but she said she did not want to disclose any of the intimate things you had told her without your permission. In a word, other than the obvious, I do not know anything because everybody kept sending me back to you.”

“Look,” I sharply said, “not only am I unsure if this is a good moment to talk about it, I also do not feel at ease telling you anything if you react this way. Anyway, telling you all the details will never change what happened. Neither will it make the truth easier to hear, Severus,” I bitterly added.

“What can I say to that? What is done… is done, Antanasia,” he said, apparently getting edgier by the second. “I cannot turn back time.”

“Oh, yes, you can!” I ruthlessly retorted, “any good Time-Turner would have done the job, but you chose not to look for one. What should that tell me about you?”

“I am sorry! Do you hear me? Sorry! I hate myself for what I did, okay?” he exclaimed, his voice thundering with anger and a tad of despair. “I lost our son and not a day passes without me wishing that things could have been otherwise, but--”

“Wait a minute,” I interrupted, feeling so stunned that everything around us disappeared in a strange foggy darkness. “What did you just say?”

“Okay, your son if you prefer, but--”

“Son?” I repeated, with a quivering voice. “He… he was a son, to you?”

“Of course, Antanasia,” he quietly confirmed, looking at me with a very puzzled expression, being as shocked as I was by the sudden turn our mutual reaction had just taken.

“To so many others, he was just… something too young and small to be taken into consideration… just an embryo for the Healers… or just a baby for so many friends,” I murmured, as much for myself than for him. “They wanted to comfort me and they told me they understood, but they did not. That son… he was so much more, to me. He was a part of my future that crumbled and fell down in one night. And you… you can understand that?”

“Yes. That is what he became for me, too,” he said, frowning and looking at the ground. “First, you receive the shock… and then you realise all the possibilities that were there… but then all those hopes just… vanish. And it hurts when it does.”

“So much!” I sobbed with a strangled voice. “We had a baby boy, Severus! And he died! Our son died!” I cried, planting my nails deep in the arms he tried to wrap protectively around me. “I tried everything I could… but I did it too late, I wasted too much time! I was not good enough to keep him alive, Severus! I am so sorry!”

“Antanasia,” he said, his voice cracking as he firmly took my face between his hands and looked at me with a dry pair of eyes that were blurred by an inner storm. “If there is one person here to blame for our child’s death, it is me! Blame me, Antanasia. I am the selfish bastard here, okay? Whatever happened after the moment I so stupidly left you, I know that you did the very best you could in the situation. I, for one, will never blame you for anything regarding this, do you hear me?”

“Yes… I hear you…” I articulated between uncontrollable sobs.

“Now, I beg you, please… tell me everything that happened after I left. Spare me nothing, I want to know… I want to share that burden with you, my dearest.”

And I did as he requested. He pressed my head against his chest and held me tight in his arms as I spoke my heart out. Sometimes, I had trouble finding my words, for the things I had to explain were not easy ones, but he patiently waited, listening in complete silence and stroking my back, my arms, my hands, and my hair. I shared things with him that I had shared with no other, like the painful moments I went through in the lime-trees clearing. It felt so incredibly liberating, truly, for the first time. You see, no matter how much sympathy my friends had for me, Severus’ heart, though not echoing perfectly the things that ached the most in mine, for we did not share the same heart, still rang in tune with mine. It brought me a true relief, a true peace that did not come from the useless words that Severus had the wisdom to never pronounce. It came from his mere presence, so true and complete, at my side, around me. When I finished talking, his shirt and skin were soaked wet with my tears and I was rather out of breath, but sobbing much softer already.

“I wish there was something I could say to you,” he gravely whispered, after a few minutes of silent caresses.

“I do not think there is anything to say, Severus,” I said, straightening up and looking at him with a genuine softness. “There is one last thing that I want to say, and there were times when I thought I would never be able to say it… but I do not blame you for what happened, Severus. I did it so much in the past weeks… I got sick of doing it to myself, to you. I made myself sick with anger towards you and I wish to feel it no more, my beloved.”

“So…” he murmured, his baritone vibrating against my hand just like the tremors of his hand over mine, “there is still room for me in your heart after all this?”

“Oh, yes,” I tenderly replied, “there has always been a place, Severus. I will need your patience, for I cannot promise you that I will recover from this as quickly as we both would like, but I do not want to make that journey without you anymore. Forgiveness feels so soothing to me!”

“And so… new, to me,” he added, with a definite warmth in his voice. “Kiss me, my sweet… I have been longing for your lips for s--”

I did not let him finish, for I knew he would murmur the rest just fine as our souls joined through our lips. Oh, the sweetness of that kiss! Its surrendering and passionate abandon! My mouth instinctively found all the familiar places I had once called mine and could claim mine again. His hands kneaded my waist, went in a long and sensual caress all the way up my back to seize the back my neck, and sent almost forgotten shivers that slithered all over my skin and made it long for his touch again.

He took off his shirt, let it fall on the floor and then pressed his hands on my thighs, caressing them through the fabric of my robes, which he lifted a little more with each stroke. When his hand came in touch with my bare skin and he pressed his body a little closer to spread my legs apart, however, I instinctively recoiled from him and almost fell down my stool.

“What is it?” he asked, with a surprised expression. “Did I do something wrong?”

“No, not really,” I hesitantly explained, “it is not you, it is me… I am sorry… I do not know how to explain, but…”

“You do not feel at ease to be intimate with me?” he questioned, frowning in disappointment despite himself. “We can stop here if you want.”

“I do want to be intimate with you, Severus, do not misinterpret me!” I assured him, biting my lower lip in embarrassment. “By Cerridwen, I need your touch desperately, tonight! It is just that I do not want… well…”

“Yes?” he encouraged.

“I do not want to go too far tonight,” I finally admitted, understanding my emotions as I expressed them to him. “I… I am scared to go through it all over again. I know it is silly, and that it disappoints you, and I must sound like a hell of a tease, but right now, I am just not ready.”

“You are right, I am terribly disappointed,” he said, placing a finger under my chin to make me look back at him, “to hear that you are embarrassed to tell me this. You should not be. I would never do something that you do not want, Antanasia… well, not tonight, at least,” he added, raising a critical eyebrow that stretched the corner of my lips into a small smile. “All I want is to be near you.”

“This is what I want, too,” I murmured, running two tender hands on his bare shoulders and neck.

“There is no problem, then,” he said, taking my hands and helping me get up with him. “What do you say we find a comfortable place to cuddle on and start over? And if you do not like what I am doing to you… you just say so.”

“Sounds good to me,” I replied, following him to his bed with an anticipatory blush that was quite similar to the one that had coloured my cheeks on a certain rainy night in March.

I will not write about how we had sex that night, for we did not. It is how we made love that made all the difference in the world. Curiously, the restraints that I imposed on the both of us did not impair the desire we had for each other; it made it a hundred times greater. We savoured each caress, each kiss, each knowing glance and sigh of pleasure with the meticulous attention they deserved. That was what making love was truly about, and though we still felt like the oldest lovers in the world, knowing how to bring each other to the delights of release even with some of our clothes still on, we also felt as if some parts of that intimacy we shared were still to be explored. I, just like Severus, knew that this exploration was filled with marvellous promises.

The sun was already high in the sky when we lay, panting and content, in each other’s arms, our limbs heavy with the aftermath of all the emotions we had experienced during that long night. I looked at my lover through my half-closed eyelids and mirrored the gentle smile I saw on his masculine lips.

“It feels so good to be home, at long last!” I exclaimed, before exhaustion won over me and made me slip in a blissful sleep.

~*~

AUTHOR’S NOTES

As always... reviewing will NOT harm you, I swear! :o) Give it a try!

Just to let you know... this novel has been nominated for the Multifaced Awards in the Identity - Original Character and Best Snape fic categories. You can vote at http://magical-worlds.us/multifaceted/main.htm (from July 22nd to July 31st). Thanks! :o)

It might take a full week at least before I post part two of this chapter... I am deeply and painfully buried in work! But I am doing my best, and so are my two amazing betas, CareCrystal and Vaughn! Which makes me think to remind you of butterbeer\'s wise words: \"Betas are wonderful people! Kiss a beta each day!\" :o)