All\'s Fair In Love And War

I wonder sometimes if my life will ever be normal. Perhaps, I was born under a bad sign.

I mean, by the time I was two I had been hunted by a madman, survived a fatal curse by said madman, lost my parents, and been forced upon the Dursleys.

At the age of eleven, I found out that I was a wizard not as the Dursleys had so often told me, a freak. Then I come to find out that to these wizards, of whom I am now a part, I am some sort of super hero. I was eleven years old for cripes sake!

All in all, I think I handled things pretty well. Or at least as well as one muggle-raised half-blood wizard with the weight of the world on his shoulders could.

Yes, I lost people.

Friends - like Cedric, Terry, Michael.

Family - My parents, Sirius.

And apparently, a lover - Blaise.

But I don't remember that. I've lost an entire year of my life.

And from what I understand, it's not one that I want to be lost.

The year Aunt Marge moved into the Dursleys house when I was eight, now that is a year I wouldn't mind forgetting.

But not this last one.

So much has happened this last year. Ron and Hermione have been filling me in on things. At first, I didn’t want to believe them, but then I got a visit from a ghost. I had been told, of course, that Blaise was dead. That he died saving me. I didn’t know he was here though, still at Hogwarts.

I don’t remember falling in love with him. I remember the night we met at the bar, that I blackmailed him into dancing with me. I remember owling him a few times, and meeting him again a few weeks after that first time. But I don’t remember going back to school in September. I don’t remember clandestine meetings in an abandoned classroom. I don’t remember making love to him.

He was saddened by this, I could tell. Never the less, he pushed it all aside and told me everything that had happened. About us, about how he left me, about how Draco had turned away from Voldemort and became my friend, and later my lover.

He told me that Draco was the one. The one I was fated to love for the rest of my life. That I was a fool if I threw that away simply because I couldn’t remember it.

Draco had tried, at one point, to explain to me that he‘d changed from the hateful bully I still knew him to be, but I wouldn't listen to him. I feel really shitty over that now.

I've been viewing his memories of us through a pensieve.

He really loves me.

I mean really loves me.

I didn’t want to believe it at first but after watching his memories of how we came to be friends, how he took care of me after Blaise and I broke up, I can see where I would develop feelings for him.

He's not the arrogant, Death Eater in training I always thought him to be.

Did you know that he slept in my room for almost a week without me knowing it? Just so he could watch over me, because he was worried about me. It's really quite sweet in a stalker-y sort of fashion.

Last night, I saw his memories of Valentine's Day.

I’d sent him chocolates in the Great Hall and his smile lit up the whole room. I saw how nervous he was while choosing his dinner attire, how he stood outside the door to the Room of Requirement afraid to go inside because he might have misunderstood my intentions. I saw how he drew back, stunned at the sight of me in a tuxedo.

I was a little thrown by that myself, I looked rather good for a change.

I watched as we ate in silence, then danced together. Hermione had told me I had finally learned to waltz this year but I hadn't really believed her until then.

We looked good together, Draco and I. I listened as we made our declarations of love for one another and watched as we kissed for the first time.

I felt something tugging at my memory, as if I knew this already. I tried to pull the memory forward but then it just... faded.

I was more than a little disappointed.

As I watched the scene before me, as Draco undressed me and laid me out on the bed, I came to understand how much trust he was putting in me by sending me these very private thoughts of his. To him, I am Harry; his lover who has lost his memory. But to me, in a way, he is still Malfoy, a boy I disliked from almost the day we met. And here he was, letting me see him at his most vulnerable.

I must admit that he is the most beautiful man I have ever had the pleasure of seeing in the nude.

But it wasn't just his body that drew my attention as I watched him move over the vision of myself. It was his face, his eyes. How they looked at me, so full of love and longing. Affection and commitment.

I knew then that he would never give up on me. That if I never regain the memory of this past year that he will still love me.

I came to a decision then.

I would get to know Draco all over again.

I would fall in love with him all over again.

I know it won't be difficult to do. He is very charming and sweet and from what I've seen of these pensieve memories, and more so from what Hermione and Ron have told me, he's a wonderful person as well.

If the memories come back, then I will be very happy to have them, but on the off chance that they don't, I'm not going to waste my time waiting for them when I could be making new ones.

Tomorrow morning at breakfast, I'm going to ask Draco out on a date.