The Fortress Within

The next several weeks flew past so fast it seemed Severus could hardly
recall them


The next several weeks flew past so
fast it seemed Severus could hardly recall them. 
Treasure was growing fast and had proven to have a hardy set of lungs. 
Every evening she started, screaming and howling for hours until Severus
thought he would go mad.  Nothing he
did could quell her cries.  Rocking,
walking, singing, still she kept on until he thought his brain was going to
explode.
 


Hermione
just sat there, not giving any indication that she heard anything that was going
on.  Severus was frustrated with her
as well.  He cared for Hermione much
as he cared for Treasure.  His life
was an endless cycle of bathing, feeding, dressing and caring for the females
who now dominated him. 


 


Four
days after Treasures birth, Ginny had performed the spells to stop Hermione’s
bleeding and heal her up.  Severus
expected that this would lighten his load immensely, but he was wrong. 
That afternoon he had gone to lead her to the bathroom, only to find the
front of her gown was soaked and her breasts were hard as iron. 
Once again Ginny explained that this was normal and that her engorgement
would be relieved within a week.  He
spent the following week stuffing her bra with cabbage leaves. Was this what the
great Potion’s Master had been reduced to?


 


On
schedule, the hardness went away and Severus was only left with the occasional
leakage to clean up.   The
first time Hermione’s body had reacted to the baby’s cries he was ecstatic. 
He was sure this was a sign that she was coming around and spent the next
day at her side constantly, lest he miss the moment. 
The moment had never happened and Poppy had gently told him that it was
more of an instinctual reaction than a conscious one. 
Sadly, he had nodded his head and slipped, once again, into the
ever-widening pit of depression and loneliness.


 


His
pride was still intact, at least on the surface. 
He refused any and all help with his family, such as they were. 
He was exhausted, spending little time sleeping. 
Treasure didn’t exactly like the nighttime and spent most of it either
eating or gurgling at her father.  These
were the best times, despite his fatigue.  Tucked
in bed with Hermione and Treasure, he could imagine things were normal and that
Hermione was only sleeping.  Treasure
graced him with tiny smiles by the firelight and he began to see small purpose
in the movements of her uncoordinated arms.


 


Severus
knew that these waking dreams would only sustain him so long. 
He was near the point of breaking and as he spiraled toward this mental
climax his only thoughts were who would tend those he loved when he was unable.


 


The
pinnacle came when Treasure was three weeks old. 
She had started her episode early that evening, around four o’clock. 
He had given up attempting to comfort the child and sat glassy eyed and
staring at the little one squirming around on a blanket near the cold hearth. 
The quiet knock came at the door at precisely 6 PM and when Severus did
not respond, Albus opened the door and let himself in. 
With a concerned glance at his old friend, the Headmaster moved quickly
to the baby and scooped her up in his arms. 
Treasure calmed immediately and cooed up at the kindly old man. 

 


This
was the final straw for Severus.  He had spent hours trying to soothe his daughter to no avail. 
Yet, Albus walked in and she immediately turned into a glowing little
angel.  In his now-warped mind, the
only options had become frighteningly clear. 
In a gravely voice Severus made his intentions known, “Albus, I can’t
do this.”


 


Albus
sat hard on the chair and looked fearfully at the younger wizard. 
“What?”


 


Severus
was on his feet and storming around the room, worked into a frenzy. 
“This.  I can’t do
this.”  He gestured wildly
with one hand toward the bedroom door, the other at the now napping baby.  “Father, nursemaid.  I’m
not cut out for this.  I thought I
could handle it, I really did.  Now,
I don’t even think that I want to.  I’d
appreciate if you could make some inquiries for a family for Treasure; a normal
family, with a mother and father and a home. 
I’m contacting St. Mungo’s tomorrow to arrange for Hermione to be
moved there.  I’m done with it,
all of it.”  A vicious sweep of
his arm had the diapers flying from the table. 
“Done with diapers, bottles, leaking breasts, a woman who can’t even
recognize me.  I have spent my life
alone and alone I will finish it.”


 


Albus
was clearly shocked by Severus’ declaration. 
Severus could see that the wheels were turning behind the great
wizard’s blue eyes.  “Severus,
you are exhausted.  Please, take
some time to think about this.  This is your life, their lives. 
You can’t make this decision in a split second. 
Get out of here for a while.  I’ll
sit with Treasure and Hermione.  Go
down to Hogsmeade.  Have dinner; get
a room and a good night’s sleep.  Tomorrow
we’ll talk further.  I refuse to
speak further about this until you are rested and have had time alone to
think.”


 


“I’ve
had plenty of time alone to think,” Severus sneered. 
“I will take you up on your offer though. 
I need to get away from them.”


 


Severus
strode into the bedroom, the door flying back on its hinges with a slam. 
When he emerged a few minutes later, he was in his stiff black robes and
without a further word to the Headmaster was gone in a whirl of black.


 


He
apparated directly to Knockturn alley and went straight to the closest seedy
tavern.  He was halfway through his
fifth whiskey when Harry appeared at his side. 
He groggily raised his lip at the wizard. 
“So, Albus has sent me a babysitter. 
Is he afraid I wouldn’t return?”


 


Harry’s
hand was shaking as he motioned to the barkeep. After slamming back his first
whiskey, he turned on the Potions Master.  “What
in Hades are you thinking, Severus.  You’re
just going to abandon them?  How can
you even live with yourself?”


 


Severus
pulled himself up to tower over Harry.  “I
have spent too many years living with myself to allow them to destroy me. 
If you’ll excuse me, I have an appointment with a Veela whore whose
talents are legendary.”  Severus
stumbled a bit as he made his way out into the street. 
The alcohol was delaying his reactions and he soon found himself thrown
up against a stone wall with a wand pointed to his throat. Severus threw his
head back and laughed drunkenly, “Oh, for the love of Merlin, Potter. 
You’re no more a murderer than I am cut out for social hobnobbing.” 


 


Harry
eyed Severus with open disgust.  “They’re too good for you.”


 


The
laughter changed to a deadly evil smile, “You’re amazing. 
Did you come up with that all on your own? 
50 points to Gryffindor courtesy of the fucking Boy-Who-Lived.” 
With a violent shove, Harry found himself thrown to the ground, staring
after a whirlwind of black.


 


Several
hours later Severus was staring up a dark ceiling, alone again.  
The Veela’s skills were extraordinary, but despite her best efforts,
Severus’ body was just not receptive.  “Too
much whiskey,” he had mumbled as he tossed enough gold at her to pay for the
night.  At his command, she had
slipped from the room, leaving him teep.eep. 
Sleep did not come easy, despite the amount of alcohol he had imbibed. 
Every time he closed his eyes, he could see her, feel her, smell her. 
The whiskey hadn’t been the problem, the woman had. 
It wasn’t Hermione.  No one
would ever be Hermione.  Even with
Polyjuice, the smell would still be different.


 


He
didn’t know how long he had lay awake, he didn’t even know when he was
sleeping.  The dreams were the same
that night, awake or asleep.  He
dreamed of his Hermione and of the nights spent in her arms. 
The brutal light of day blazed in through the window, startling him from
his slumber.  The dreams had changed
nothing.  His mind was made up.


 


Severus
would say goodbye to his life today.  Tomorrow,
he would be alone.


 


His
heart was breaking as he began the walk up to the castle. 
He was sure, if they listened closely, someone could hear his very life
shattering apart within him.  Despite the protests from the shred of humanity left in a
corner of his brain, his resolve was strong. 
Hermione was lost to him and Treasure would be better off in a family who
could raise and train her properly.


 


Severus
paused on the lawn long enough to watch Harry and Ginny, walking hand in hand
down by the lake.  He scoffed at the
young lovers, resenting them both for having something that he never would.


 


Albus
met him at the door, along with Minerva  “A
word with you in my office, please, Severus.” 
Severus trailed his colleagues to the Headmaster’s office. 
He was so engrossed in his contemplation of the battle coming, that he
didn’t even acknowledge Poppy’s word of greeting as they passed the
infirmary. 


 


Once
in Albus’ office he took a seat across the desk from the Headmaster. 
Albus looked at him gravely for a long time before asking, “Have you
re-thought your decision?”


 


Severus
was ready, had all the answers on the tip of his tongue. 
“I have thought, yes.  But
my decision is still the same.  I’ll
be moving Hermione to St. Mungo’s and I will still be placing Treasure with a
proper family.  You must realize….” 
His voice left off as suddenly his brain kicked in.  Harry and Ginny outside, Minerva and Albus here, Poppy in the
hall outside the infirmary.  “Where’s
Treasure?”  He roared leaping to
his feet.


 


Albus
remained unfazed as he answered in an even voice. 
“Your daughter is in the dungeons.”


 


Severus
heard the unmistakable “click” of the office door being locked. 
Minerva spoke softly, a small smile playing at her mouth, “Accio, floo
powder.”  The small container on the hearth flew into handhands.


 


Severus
was enraged, “You can’t just leave her down there, Albus. What the hell are
you thinking? Have you suddenly gone senile, you old fool? She’s just a baby. 
You can’t leave her alone.”  He
no longer cared about respect for the Headmaster or about the fact that he had
been ready to abandon his daughter just a minute before. 
He raced to the door, but even with his best spells, the door remained
sealed.  “Open the Gods damned
door, Albus.”


 


Still,
the Headmaster was calm.  “Not
until you calm down and sit down.  Your
daughter is fine.”


 


Severus
looked from Albus to Minerva, who nodded toward the seat next to her. 
Warily, he complied.  With a
wave of Albus’ hand, a crystal ball appeared on the desk. 
“Look,” was the Headmaster’s simple command. 

 


The
swirling mists within the orb cleared and he saw Ginny Weasley changing
Treasure’s diaper.  Relief swept
over him.  Ginny must have gone
immediately to the dungeons when she saw him return.  Severus looked up at the Headmaster, embarrassed for his
outburst.  “I’m sorry, Albus. 
I should have trusted you.”


 


Albus
shook his head, “I said look, and I expect you to listen. 
I am not so old that I can’t place you under Imperius and force you.”


 


So
Severus looked.  Ginny was playing
with Treasure’s toes now, playfully biting one, then the other. 
He couldn’t hear her words, but the goofy faces she was making
indicated playful conversation between Ginny and the gurgling baby. 
Treasure was kicking her feet and waving her arms as she and Ginny played
on the floor.  Severus observed
them, grinning despite everything.  When
Treasure’s face screwed up he murmured, “She’s hungry,” to no one in
particular.


 


Ginny
picked up the baby and carried her to the bedroom door. 
Confusion replaced Severus’ smile. 
Ginny opened the door and walked to the bed, where Hermione lay. 
As was usual, her eyes were closed. 
Ginny sat on the edge of the bed.  At
the movement, Hermione’s eyes opened.  Still,
this was nothing unusual.  Then her
eyes focused and she looked at Ginny and smiled. 
Hermione’s arms came out and she reached for Treasure. 
Severus watched, mouth hanging open as a breast was freed and with some
help from Ginny, his daughter settled in for a meal.  The vision disappeared as the sound of the locks being
released echoed through the room.


 


 


Severus’
humbled voice broke the silence, “Is it real?” 

 


Minerva
placed a hand on top of Severus’.  “It’s
as real as you want it to be.”


 


Severus
shook his head back and forth, still replaying the scene through his head. 
Finally, grasping the truth, he was on his feet and out the door before
the Headmaster could say “Lemon drop.” 
Severus grabbed the doorframe on his way past, halting himself. He turned
and ducked his head in apology, “I don’t know how you did it. 
But thank you.”


 


He
raced to his quarters, his feet carried along by the weightlessness of his
heart.  Once in the living room he
skidded to a stop to catch his breath.  Ginny
opened the bedroom door and looked up, startled to see him standing there,
panting.  She gave him a knowing
look, smiled, and left the room.


 


Severus
looked up and sent a silent prayer to whomever was listening before turning the
doorknob.  Hermione was looking down
at the baby sucking at her breast.  So
engrossed was she in her daughter that she realize he was there until a
tentative hand reached out to stroke her hair. 
Her eyes met his and despite the tears running down her cheeks, she
smiled at him.


 


Severus
opened his mouth, but had no words.  His
eyes welled over instead.  Hermione
nodded, understanding him despite his loss of spoken language. 
She pulled him down to sit next to them and snuggled into his embrace. 
Together, they sat and watched their daughter nurse.