Unrequited

Time After Time
I’m much too headstrong for my own good. I’m too involved to realize that your uncertainty will be the death of me. But I lose my will and if looks could kill I’ve been struck down dead by your beautiful eyes. Time after time, you challenge me for a reason. I know that I’m impossible and deceiving. I’ve seen the signs – you’re telling me that you’re leaving.”
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The last few days of our holiday passed in an uneventful manner. Draco and I were unflinchingly polite to one another when we had to interact and silent when we didn’t. I spent most of my time with my parents, who gave me encouraging looks and repeated their advice to me when they deposited us at King’s Cross.

Draco left the bags with the porter and climbed onto the train ahead of me. I stared after him, wondering what I would say to him with half a day’s train ride ahead of us. I waved desolately to Ron and Harry and climbed on after him. I started down the corridor just in time to see a female hand reach out of one of the doors to drag my husband into one of the curtained compartments and shut the door.

It was Pansy. The charm bracelet that Draco had given her in our fifth year was unmistakable.
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I was sitting in our compartment feeling sick, as I had done for the past three hours. Ron and Harry had popped in to say hello but once they got a good look at my face, they bid a hasty retreat. Dealing with girly emotions had never been their strong suit.

My heart literally ached and I had no idea of what to do. Now just edging five months, the alien fluttered a bit more strongly than usual and it was probably due to my agitation. I fought back tears, staring as the scenery rushed by. I heard the door open and he stumbled in, looking rumpled and kiss-worn. Her vile perfume filled the small space. I would’ve vomited had I had anything to eat.

His sneer didn’t even bother to pass for a genuine smile as he flopped onto the banquette opposite and propped his feet onto the cushions next to me. I saw his new Christmas boots gleaming in the low lamplight and I couldn’t suppress it any longer. I fled from the compartment, trying to keep my balance in the moving corridor.
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I heard her sob as she made her hasty departure. Good. Let her hurt as much as I did. The scent of Pansy’s fragrance rose in the air around me and I cast a hasty Scourgify. Much better. God, Pansy was an outright whore. Apparently she’d gotten over her current dislike of me. Feeling frustrated and angry, I gave into her rapacious embrace only to feel a painful pull in the pit of my stomach. I think it was shame - or its close cousin, guilt. Pansy’s mouth felt hard and untutored in comparison to Hermione’s. Her tongue was too demanding. And to think that I once enjoyed her kisses. The very taste of her rather repelled me. I pushed her off of me gently and she looked at me puzzled.

“Draco. What on earth is the matter?”

I looked into her brown eyes, so unlike those of my wife and admitted it to myself for once and all. I was in love with Hermione Jane Granger. Dammit all.

“I can’t do this Pansy.”

“You’re refusing me?”

“I have to.”

“Because you’re married to that little mudblood?”

“Don’t call her that.” My temper flared and I found myself clenching my fist.

“You…”she broke off here to try to stifle a bout of laughter. “You’re having a fit of conscience!”

“Not bloody funny Pansy.”

“Yes it is.” She was laughing uproariously now. “Who would’ve thought it? Draco Malfoy actually has a conscience!”

“Don’t get too excited about it. I wouldn’t hesitate to hex you into next week.”

That shut her up, although her eyes still twitched with amusement. “Poor Draco.”

“Poor me, indeed.”

Suddenly Pansy’s face turned speculative. That always boded ill. “Are you in love with Granger?”

I said nothing. I didn’t have to. It was written all over my face. Pansy merely shook her head ruefully.

“The world is full of irony, isn’t it?”

“Pansy, you’ve never spoken a truer word.”
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We spent a long while talking. I’d forgotten that Pansy was a good listener. Despite my claims to the contrary, Pansy wasn’t nearly as thick as she seemed. Regardless of what her marks said, she was rather astute when it came to people. And she had always been able to read me like a book – the natural result of our long association. The longer we spoke, the more bitter I became. Why couldn’t I have this easy rapport with Granger? Why was it so fucking hard? I soon felt the need to go lash out at her. It was all her fault. Why couldn’t she have brewed the potion on time? Damn her and fecundity. I could plant an apple tree in her hair and it would grow, she was apparently so fertile.

I left the compartment abruptly, knowing I still smelt of Pansy and my hair was rumpled. Good. Let her see. If she didn’t want me, then damn sure someone else did.
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I don’t know how long I sat hidden away in a seldom used loo near the front of the train. I shed the first tears I had cried over my sorry situation. They came in a torrent. How could I have been so stupid, so foolish? It was never going to work. I sniffed back the rest of my emotions and stood up, looking at my ravaged face in the mirror. I was a mess. Splashing water against my tired eyes, I began to feel a bit better. A bit harder. I refused to let him hurt me like this anymore. I was sick of his constant hot-and-cold behaviour. Stick a fork in me, I was done. Done with the charade, done with trying to make him feel something he obviously couldn’t. Who was I to him, really? No one except the stupid slag who managed to get knocked up.

Ain’t it grand?

I left the loo and went back to our compartment. Sparing him nothing but a glance I gathered up my things and left. His eyes bored into the back of my head with every movement. He said nothing. There was nothing more to say.