Understanding

Just a note to let you know how much you guys have really meant to me! And because I follow rules so well, I'm putting the dedication at the end of the story instead of at the beginning.

As most of you know, I began writing this story a little over a year ago when my father died. It has been a very cathartic experience for me, and I'm so glad that I could have touched anyone. You have all made my first fanfic experience a good one!

I have to dedicate this story to GrrArrg whose "encouragement" (i.e. asking me "Do you have any stories posted?") led me to post this story and gave me the confidence to know that I don't suck as much as I think I do!

Throughout the story I have used song lyrics to hilight points throughout the chapters. This was never meant to be distracing, but to accentuate the plot points. The way I imagine it is as if the story were a movie, these songs would be the soundtrack, underscoring the scene. Therefore, I thought I'd give you the lyrics that inspired the whole thing. However, there are at least three different versions of the song and they each inspired different aspects of the story. For example, one version is accoustic and very slow and sweet, and I imagined that as the love between Hermione and Severus. One version made me think of all the loss and grief Hermione went through. They all have the same lyrics, but it is the genius of Evanescence and their different arrangements and orchestrations that inspired me in so many different ways!!!! In honesty, if I thought they were reading, I'd dedicate the story to them!

But anyway, here are the lyrics. The lines in parentheses are spoken, voice over sound bites and are only in one of the versions, but I think they are important, so I kept them in. Hope you like 'em!

UNDERSTANDING (WASH IT ALL AWAY)
( You hold the answers deep within your own mind. Consciously, ye foe forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenever something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain, we reject it- we erase it from our memories. But the imprint is always there.)

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't cry it all away

The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth that finds a way from who we are
Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence screaming in our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time

(We're supposed to try and be real. And I feel alone when we're not together, and that is real.)

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Lying beside you, listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of you burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this and I will die for you
Cast me not away, say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot bear it all alone

(You're not alone, honey. Never.)

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away, no

Can't wash it awayaway
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all away

(But the imprint is always there. Nothing is every really forgotten.)
(Because I'm dying, too.)


PS- If you liked the story for all the angst and grief and/or you're dealing with grief and loss yourself, I really, really recommend watching "The Body" from the fifth season of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer." It is honestly the only tv show, movie, song, book, whatever that I felt dealt honestly with the subject. And even if you're not grieving, watch it if you need to have a good cry!!!!!!

THANKS AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!