Memoirs of a Serpent's Son

Memoirs of a Serpent’s Son

--Age 16—part 7

The last night of my life

Have you ever gone through an entire day, or week, or any length of time, without realizing that time was passing and then looked back on the whole ordeal and felt that it could only be something out of a book?

I fixed the cabinet, like I said… it worked. I know it did. Well, I have even better proof now than I did then but that’s no matter…

So I…I called the Death-Eaters. Or rather, I had them called to the castle…and I waited.

That was the only moment of that night where I actually felt every second pass in its eternity. You’ll never understand the length of a single second until you have to sit and wait for your life to end.

And that’s what I was doing right then. I was standing, staring and the wooden door of the Vanishing Cabinet, standing in a massive room full of odds and ends that people had discarded and forgotten amidst the dust and spider webs and I waited for my life to end.

I ultimately waited to be discarded like the piles of books and old empty bottles that were stored in this Room so that my soul could collect dust and go forgotten by the wizarding world.

God, I feel like such a fool…I feel like such a failure…

They came…they finally came… in a flurry of black cloaks and skulled faces they burst through the door of the Vanishing Cabinet and into the Room of Requirement like a procession of Grim Reapers to lead me to my Judgment.

I should stop with all the similes…

And from that moment no time passed at all. Everything was a blur of words and light and screams and sounds I hope I never hear again but know that I inevitably will…

I went ahead of them…I led them out of the Room, using the Hand of Glory I’d got from Borgin and met Potter’s stupid friends. Some of them. I didn’t take the time to study their faces as they lit their wands; I instinctively threw up some Peruvian Darkness Powder and ran forwards towards the Tower.

The Death-Eaters behind me didn’t get the luxury of the cover of darkness and so found themselves stuck fighting a horde of teenagers trained by the Chosen One himself. You think it should have been an easy battle but I don’t underestimate Potter’s ability that much.

………

That doesn’t matter anymore…

None of that…not for me.

I had to jump over someone’s body in the fray. I know that much… I don’t know who it was, my mind was on other things, quite understandably…but I did walk over someone…they were so still…like they were sleeping but I knew that it couldn’t be the kind of slumber you would wake up from…

I know that kind of sleep…

I ran into the stupid Phoenix that Dumbledore has too… made it hard to get to the tower. I remember looking into the bright oranges and yellows of it’s body and wondering if it would simply engulf me in the flames and let me skip the whole task before facing death.

It didn’t.

Maybe it should have.

I ran up the stairs and tried to muster up my courage or determination or some kind of hatred or motive for my actions, but found little of nothing inside of myself. I’ve been empty for a while now and I know that... empty of everything except pain maybe.

When I got there…. I don’t know but no matter what I had imagined or how I had tried to prepare for this, it didn’t matter… nothing could have made me expect that…

Dumbledore was against the wall, looking as though he’d just been to Hell and back again. There was a slight sound of something and he said hello to me… as though it was any other day and he had just passed me in the hall.

I snapped to look around and saw two broomsticks there… I know Dumbledore must have used one of them to get to the tower, though I’ve no idea where he was from before that…

But why two? Who else was there?

I asked him….I asked him though I don’t know why I was so preoccupied with knowing… it didn’t matter whether there was someone else there or not. If there was, they could either stop me before I did the stupid thing I was supposed to do, or else they would kill me for it afterwards.

He told me there was no one…

I think he was lying but…well I don’t know for sure. I can’t say that I’d dare try to use Legilimens on him…ever.

Not that I ever could n-…

………

I’m shaking….still shaking….still cold…

I don’t even know if any of this will be in proper order… can’t even remember right…

I talked to him for a while… it was so…strange. I can’t even begin to fathom why this needed to happen now… or rather why I allowed it to.

No, I know why I let him talk…and I know why I answered him… I was procrastinating… hoping that if I waited long enough the moment would pass and I would never have to do it… if I waited long enough it would all just go away as though there was only a blink in time where it was possible and all other moments wouldn’t matter…

He kept talking… told me I’m not a killer.

“You are not a killer, Draco.”

As though this was some kind of universal truth, he said it. Like it was simply the way things were and no matter what I tried to say or do, nothing would change that. I’m not a killer.

I’m just not a killer.

I snapped and yelled and cried things out that I can’t even remember now… I told you it was all a blur… it’s all a blur now…

I couldn’t understand how he could think that. How he could know for sure that I’m not.

Would have killed him already if I was…

I wanted to show him how powerful I was right then. I wanted him to realize that I’m strong and have great power and everything… like I needed to prove myself to him…

Stupid, isn’t it?

A hunter trying to prove it’s grandeur to its prey?

But then…there was this scream. It tore right through me as though I was made of butter or something… right through me and chilled me to the bone. I heard it from below. Suddenly I became very aware of the noise of the ruckus underneath me, of the people who were fighting for their lives because of me… of the people who were losing their lives because of me…

I froze in that thought and Dumbledore thought I was scared. He said it. He asked me.

I lied to him. I know I was lying. He knows I was lying. Hell, how could I NOT have been lying??

How could I NOT have been scared at this point? Who can be in that kind of situation and feel no fear at all?

No one… not Dumbledore, not the Dark Lord, not even Harry Bloody Potter himself could be in this kind of situation and not feel fear beyond belief as they lived through it.

If they lived through it.

We talked more. This was the point in that night where I felt like time had stopped…things were not blurred so much as they were unmoving. Nothing was happening even though I know it was. I know that the world was running at top speed around me but in those short minutes (yes they must have been short and only minutes...) the talk I had with Dumbledore seemed isolated…apart from everything. Like it was in a parallel world and not a part of the normal timeline…

….I’m so tired of writing… so tired of documenting my madness and my pain… so tired of everything…so tired.

I told him of all my plans. I told him of the whole thing with Rosmerta… of the coins that I used to contact her and for her to contact me…stealing the idea from Granger last year in their stupid “Dumbledore’s Army” group…great load of good that does him now, doesn’t it?

I told him about how I connected the Vanishing Cabinet in Borgin and Burkes to the one that Montague disappeared in last year… how he could hear people in the shop but couldn’t do anything or place it…

I’m the only one who figured that out. I told him how I spent the year trying to fix it. He supposed that when I got worried that I wouldn’t manage was when I tried so half-heartedly to poison him with the necklace and the mead…

He was right but he didn’t have to make it sound as though I tried so little!

He made it seem as though I had put no effort or thought into it at all…as though I didn’t really mean to kill him… as though I didn’t ever intend to accomplish my task…

…………….

He was right…

I know that now, but I didn’t then.

Then I was frantic. I was frantic and angry and hurt and frustrated and scared out of my mind.

And yet he was praising me. He was congratulating me as though I’d just received top marks on an assignment or something… HE WAS JUST TREATING ME LIKE HIS STUDENT WHEN HE KNEW I WAS THERE TO KILL HIM.

He just… he just made it so much harder…No one praises me like that…

And I felt so good…suddenly thinking that all I had done was really amazing for a wizard my age…as though I was something really remarkable and should receive some kind of recognition… I felt…

I felt appreciated suddenly and I hate him for that. I hate him for making it so hard… for making it seem so easy to just give up and be good and go with him and forget everything I’ve gone through…

He talked of Snape… wanted to know why I didn’t ask for his help… I told him he was a fool because Snape was a double agent, acting for the Dark Lord, wanted all the glory for himself… The Unbreakable Vow, I said, he took with my mother… He didn’t believe me. He said that Snape was good…and then…

He offered me safety. He offered me a chance to back down and go with him and he’d protect me and he’d protect my family and I’d be safe and wouldn’t have to worry…

He offered me everything I needed and wanted and yet nothing that I could actually have. I know I can’t have any of that… even less so now than before.

I wanted so bad to just accept…to simply take his offer and forget everything else… to fly away on the brooms and be free…

But I told him no one could help me, no one at all.

Then the Death-Eaters showed up… I don’t remember all of those there but I know that Greyback was there and I had no desire for him to be… The idea of being within ten hundred yards of him makes my skin crawl and he was standing behind me…

I started shaking more violently…I don’t remember how I was breathing… if I was at all. I just stared at Dumbledore as their words passed over my head and back and forth again. The Death-Eaters and their exchanges with Dumbledore as he sank to the ground from the exhaustion and his weakness…I just lowered my wand… I was standing there staring, like a dumbfounded spectator instead of the killer I was supposed to be.

They were fighting…trying to decide if they should do it themselves to get the glory of having killed Dumbledore or just let me do as I was told…The Death-Eaters bickered and I just stood there, wincing inwardly at the knowledge that I had let the chance at freedom pass…

I felt myself tearing up from the inside out. I was crumbling to dust in almost every meaning of the words and then, suddenly, Snape pushed past me and raised his wand to Dumbledore as I realized that the old man had always been as great as Potter claimed he was… that my father had been wrong about him and that maybe if he was wrong about Dumbledore, he could be wrong about a lot of things…

“Please, Severus…”

The two soft and pleading words hit me hard…they were coming from Dumbledore and he looked so diminished… a withered excuse of a once powerful wizard…

“Avada Kedavra!”

And he was gone…….

Literally, he was gone…blasted out of the tower to land somewhere along the grounds…like a doll…

I was frozen in my shock and horror…I stared at the place where the body of the only man who had ever praised me, ever believed I could be more than just a Death-Eater had once been. The man who thought I could be more than just what my name dictates… that I could be me….I felt like that moment of stunned silence, however brief it was, if it was even a whole moment, held the whole of eternity in it…I aged a lifetime in that moment and then..

And then time sped up again, going at full pace as though it was trying to make up for being so still during my conversation with the Headmaster…

Snape grabbed my arm and dragged me down the staircase through the doors and out into the castle.

Hexes and curses and all sorts of things were flying back and forth and I realized I had burst out onto a battlefield right into the crossfire. And then it was coming at me. I just ran… I ran and ran and ran though the halls and corridors and down staircase after staircase as angry screams and frantic footsteps echoed behind me, threatening to catch me.

I felt like I was flying with how fast I was going but I have no idea how my feet carried me that fast… I felt the burn of magic graze my head every so often and only knew Snape urging me onwards and outwards until we hit the grounds and the whole world turned upside-down…

And then I realized that Potter was following us… Potter was the echoing footsteps and angry voices… he was the magic grazing my head, threatening to strike me down and make it all end…

I couldn’t breathe. I can’t breathe now…

I can’t believe this has all happened… I can’t believe any of it because if I believe it it means that there’s nothing left… there’s nothing and I’m done for… I just want it ….to….

I turned and saw Potter and only just glimpsed his face when Snape bellowed for me to keep running until I was off the grounds….

I was crying. I know I must have been, my face was shining and wet and I couldn’t breathe… I was sobbing out into the chaos and the insanity.

I ran and I ran and out of the corner of my eye I saw the brilliant orangey form of the Phoenix hovering over a dark mass splayed out on the lawn and knew that it was all true… it was all real and that was it…

And I stopped there, far from everyone else for a few moments and I screamed out to myself and I cried harder.

Then I heard Potter’s voice ring out through the white noise that filled my head…I turned to see where he and Snape were fighting and I saw his face, illuminated in the flames that originated who knows where…

He was crying and screaming in anger and pain… agony written clearly across his face, even from this far…and he looked so tragically beautiful in that moment of hopelessness…

I felt like falling to the ground and just dying there. I wouldn’t have needed anyone’s help. In that moment I could have just willed myself to die…and it would have happened I’m sure…

But I didn’t, because I’m a coward and a fool…

So I kept running. I ran and I ran until I reached the edge of the grounds and suddenly Snape was behind me and grabbed my arm and we were gone.

He Apparated me to wherever I am now…

I didn’t take time to look around I just pulled away from him and collapsed on the floor. I cried and I cried for hours and maybe days… It took forever for me to write this…to sit down and do it… I feel like crying now… I’m sobbing without tears because I just don’t have any more to give…

I’ve cried myself dry and now I’m empty and hollow and meaningless… just a shell of a being…

I remember that night I had screamed at Snape. I’d tried to hex him and curse him. I tried to break out of wherever I am and get free.

“LET ME GO YOU TRAITOR! SEND ME BACK TO HOGWARTS! SEND ME BACK, YOU BLOODY BASTARD! LET ME GO!” I had hollered in my panic and pain.

“You fool, if you go back you’ll be killed,” he sneered at me.

“I DON’T CARE! I DON’T FUCKING CARE! I DESERVE TO DIE AND SO DO YOU! LET ME GO!!”

And he hit me. He hit me hard. So hard that all the breath left my lungs and I fell face-first to the floor. I didn’t move.

“You petulant little idiot.” His voice was icy and dripping with disdain. “You’ve no idea what trouble you caused me and what trouble you are still causing me now. You will stay here and you will be grateful that I don’t simply turn you over to the Dark Lord. Keep your mouth shut and stay put. You’ll get what’s coming to you soon enough, Draco.” He spat out my name as though it was something filthy and poisonous before leaving me alone in the dark room.

I…I curled up and held my knees in my arms on my side for hours, sobbing into my knees…

I thought of Potter and what would happen now...I spent hours kicking myself for not having accepted the offer of safety… for not having had enough courage to accept and not even enough courage to stay and die for what I did… for what I didn’t do.

I want so badly to go back to the days when all I had to worry about was doing well on my exams and facing Potter in Quidditch… the days when things were simple and I could revel in my fantasies and feelings for him and pretend that maybe, just maybe it was possible that my dreams might come true…

That anyone could love me or that I could even deserve love.

I have nothing now. I have nothing and will never have anything. I will never be with Potter, I’ll never get to see his face again. I’ll never get to see him smile the way he did that day he won the Quidditch cup. I’ll never get to fight with him again or feel his eyes on me.

I’ve sent us all into a blackening downwards spiral into evil and destruction and it’s because of me that Potter’s mentor is gone… that he’s just as alone as I am now…

And now I’m stuck with a man who intends to hand me over to Voldemort…

Yes, that’s right… Voldemort. I don’t care anymore. I don’t care about his bloody name. I don’t care because he stole everything from me and now I steal this… now I’m taking back all the fear there ever was from that simple word and stripping him of that power.

HIS NAME DOES NOT SCARE ME NOW! HE WILL NOT HAVE THAT POWER OVER ME!

…I can’t write anymore… I can’t… I don’t even feel comfortable doing it… Snape could walk in at any moment and see this all… he could… I don’t trust him. I don’t trust him at all…

I need to get out of here…

I need to get out before he does something…

Before he gets the chance.


-----IIIII-----

A/N: I’m BACK and WHOA did I miss lots here! HahahaI had fun catching up on all the stories I read though, so that’s exciting. London was fantastic and I plan to go live there one day… really I adore it. Paris was nice too but London is my fav… anyway.

It took me a day or so to get over the jet-lag and write this, sorry about that there. I hope this is alright… yes I realize that the whole thing is just one entry but it concludes the sixth book (as far as Draco is concerned) so next up will be entirely new material as soon as I organize it all into happy little pieces haha I’m very excited!

This came out very quickly and frantic….O_o I hope that’s all alright… I also plan to try and put in some new ideas for the horcruxes and things like that… possibilities that I haven’t yet read in other stories, so I hope that goes well too… I need to get back into this all!

I hope this chapter flowed well with the rest of them too! Please review and tell me what you think! I still give cookies!! Heheh and should I still continue alerting people by email? Tell me if you would like that!

Thanks also for all the fantastic and wonderful reviews as always!!