One wish alone have I

Chapter 20
Healing wounds (part 2)

Ivantie proposed that I make us Apparate from one country to the other in order to arrive in Romania faster. I agreed and got us as far as Austria before midnight. Once our feet touched the ground, however, I froze. A sinking sensation seized my stomach and I found myself unable to Apparate us further.

“What is it?” asked Ivantie, breaking our embrace and giving me a questioning glance. “Are you tired?”

“No, no,” I evasively replied. “I just cannot find the will to do it. I feel blocked.”

“Feeling scared about getting us to our destination?” he straightforwardly asked.

“Yes. Terribly scared,” I admitted. “I do not even know if I am ready to see him just yet.”

“You do not have to. The castle is big, you know…”

“But he is waiting for me, you said! I cannot just ignore him!”

“It will be difficult indeed. However, we have other options. I gave no precise date for my return; I did not necessarily expect you to come back with me the following night. I told them that my absence might last more than a week. What do you say you Apparate us to Vienna and we see if we can find the places we used to cherish long ago?”

“Really? You would not mind?” I exclaimed, a smile gradually easing the narrowness of my throat.

“Of course not!” he answered, running his knuckles along my jaw. “I need some time off, anyway; the last months have been crazy. It will be like in the good old nineteenth century, when we spent hours exploring the magical part of Vienna and went to so many concerts and balls! I trust Niculaie with the military matters and Valerica knows how to contact me if something is happening in the Clan.”

“Very well, then!”

And on this, I Apparated us to the capital of music. It was the best decision I could make, in those circumstances. I did need a break, too, even if my worries and workload were in no way of the same nature as Ivantie’s. I was barely beginning to open my eyes to life again, and opening them at my closest friend’s side in a city we both particularly cherished, so dazzling with its splendid architecture, with its luxuriant gardens and its rich artistic life, was the best thing that could happen to me.

We rented a room in a hotel we used to go to, when we made trips there before. It was still looking like an old abandoned house to Muggle eyes, but was a splendidly decorated building when one could see through its protective charms. Like we did in the past, we spent countless hours exploring the city, comparing what we saw to what our eyes had last seen together in those places. The air, for one thing, smelled much different, given all the Muggle means of transportation that polluted it and made the facades look rather dirty. Many old buildings had been destroyed and replaced by more modern ones, robbing many quarters of their charming ancestral look. Nevertheless, Ivantie and I were not the type of cainites who dwelled on those observations; we were too happy to be together again and anything else seemed to have less importance anyway.

When morning came, we retreated in our room and talked some more about old memories we shared. Ivantie remembered many anecdotes and indeed, many things had happened during those times, and he gave me back the sparkling taste of laughter. I curled up against him and listened to the stories of his adventures until the warmth of his voice and arms rocked me to sleep. He never asked for more and, though I was surprised given his warm-blooded personality, I was grateful he did not. He simply gave me what I had always loved the most in him: the wonderful comfort of a true friend’s presence, eloquent with his love and knowledge of the numerous facets of who I was.

On the third morning, however, we started talking about travelling the rest of our journey. If my soul still felt nervous and apprehensive, it was much calmer than when we left Hogwarts. I agreed that we would Apparate to Zaharia in the evening, but requested him to keep my arrival as secret as possible until I felt ready to meet people again. I did not want to be submerged with questions and long conversations, and shock my friends with an irritability I did not even want to feel. Therefore, only Valerica and Cami were alerted of our arrival.

They were waiting in my resting room when we Apparated there and I fell with joy into their open arms. Once our tears were shed and the first inarticulate expressions of joy were said, we all sat in my little boudoir and talked about the Clan’s old and recent news, carefully avoiding any subject that might relate to Severus and my miscarriage. After Cami came back with goblets and a particularly well brewed Blood potion for all of us many hours later, Valerica looked at me gravely over the rim of her glass.

“And how are you, Antanasia? You told us about the past few nights and I am thrilled to learn that you enjoyed yourself; I think that both of you needed it. But deeper than that, my sweet… how are things?”

“Still aching, to be honest. I am glad that Severus does not know I am here; it will give me some time to adjust before I let him know.”

An awkward silence passed between us as Valerica and Cami gave a furtive side-glance to each other.

“What? He knows?” I asked, frowning in surprise.

“How could he not know, Antanasia?” said Valerica, setting her jade-filled eyes on me. “His soul has been restlessly searching for the presence of yours since Ivantie left to find you.”

“He is depressed, I tell you,” intervened Cami with her soft voice. “He insists on spending almost all his time alone and says that he does not need anything, but I can very well see that he is aching, both mentally and physically.”

I gave Cami a hard look that she did not deserve and did not understand. If her saying she thought Severus was depressed made me smile at first (she was always the one who suspected this in him), I remembered what she had done in answer to that assumption the previous year, in the dungeons, and that memory of her and Catalina with Severus seized my heart and brutally set it in flames. I turned my eyes away from her and walked to the window, feeling suddenly very aware that Severus might indeed be able to feel my presence even if I shielded it from him. We always had the knack of finding our way to each other, often despite ourselves.

I found him indeed, though my eyes did not; he was reading in the garden. And he was aching just the way Cami had described.

I did not want him to be that way; it unnerved me at once. When he felt like his usual self, bitter, grumpy and introverted, I was able to fuel my anger and resentment, to keep on hating him in a clear and honest way. But with him now feeling the way he so obviously did, everything became blurred. Something else raised from the depths of my heart, namely, the strong desire to care for him, to soothe his pain. I did not know him that well the last time I had felt that desire, and yet it seemed that I had found the way to make him feel better. I was supposed to know him more that year, and yet it felt quite the opposite. A part of me felt totally estranged from him.

“Severus is not a naturally depressed man,” I explained to Cami, trying to reassure myself that he was no stranger to me. “He just spends so much of his time feeling anguished or plain frustrated that he does not get in touch with how sad he sometimes is… only when he stops and cannot pretend to be busy doing something else. Then… it flows over him like a gigantic wave.”

“Would you like to go to the garden and find him?” suggested Cami, with an obvious ring of hope in her words.

“Absolutely not!” I snapped, turning away from the window and walking resolutely back to my seat. “Was he there when I was depressed and hurt? When I still am? No, Cami, I do not want to find him. It is he who should come and find me. I am tired of holding out my hand in the open air and waiting for him to grasp it.”

“The note he sent you,” began Ivantie, who had not spoken in a while, “was it not he holding out his hand, on the contrary?”

“Too little, too late,” I grumpily retorted. “It will take much more than a note to make me forgive what he did. He should have the guts to stand before me and tell me all those things himself instead of relying on a piece of parchment to do so.”

“It might be a little too soon to say that, Antanasia, but it is not good to dwell on those feelings, you know…” commented Cami hesitantly. “Or about what… happened.”

I threw her a furious glare that nailed each word she said back into her throat.

“You do not understand what it feels like!” I angrily thought. “Neither of you can!”

“You are right, we probably do not,” said Valerica with a grave frown but a tender voice. “Nevertheless, let me point out, at least, that you do not necessarily have to go to him; I think he is the one who should come to you indeed. Let us create an occasion for this to happen. No gentleman would be so cheeky as to come knocking at your resting room door uninvited.”

I gave out a small sigh. She was right. Despite the fact that good, old-fashioned manners were not always Severus’ main priority, of all stubborn and proud wizards who walked the surface of the earth, he was the least inclined to go somewhere uninvited to make his apologies. I simply nodded my agreement.

“What do you have in mind?” Ivantie asked Valerica.

“Nothing fancy, but I think it is time to observe traditions, nevertheless. The Lord has returned with a guest of honour; we must make tomorrow’s dinner somewhat special. Antanasia, do you still like poetry recitals?”

“Are you sure this is a good idea?” I worrisomely replied. “I am not sure I need to pour out the contents of my heart.”

“This will just be between ourselves, Tasia,” said Ivantie reassuringly. “You have always loved those recitals in the past and, given that the last few months were particularly hectic, we have not been able to do more than one or two… and without you, it was not the same.”

“All right…” I replied, falling for Ivantie’s warm smile. “I miss the garden and I think we could have a marvellous time if Mother Nature cooperates.”

“Splendid!” exclaimed Valerica, joining her hands in her satisfaction. “I will give instructions for tomorrow; I am sure you want some time alone to visit familiar places in the castle.”

“You said nothing fancy, Valerica…” I warned.

“No, no, do not worry! Leave it to Cami and me,” she replied with a joyful wink.

“I will get going, too,” said Ivantie, as Cami and Valerica walked out my door. “I need to know how Niculaie managed his few nights as my replacement.”

“Let me know if there is any news from the Russian Clans.”

“I will,” he replied, leaving a warm kiss on my cheek. “If you need anything, you know where to find me. Otherwise, you are still at home here. Always keep that in mind.”

“Thank you.”

I must admit that I did not do much during that night. I remember that I spent a long time by my windows, running my fingers dreamily all around the frames, sensing the variety of intensities in which I could perceive Severus’ presence in the garden. Being left alone with myself, however, I came in touch with my deeper feelings and realised that a part of me strongly longed to go there and find him. To do or say what, it was difficult for me to tell, but the longing was there nevertheless. I saw Cami when she went to the garden, either for a simple stroll or to attend to some chore. She soon disappeared between the bushes, and I did not like the feelings that seized my heart at that moment. She was there with Severus… doing what?

I chose to leave my resting room at once and left for my lab. With a deep sigh of relief, I noticed that nothing had been touched during my absence; someone had merely cleaned the remains of the last meals I had prepared there and stored the apparatus in the cupboards. I was very grateful for that. I obviously did not feel like rummaging through my old and new formulas like I usually did when I went there, so I simply sat in an armchair by the window and listened to the distant roaring sound of the great falls and all the joyful songs of the birds that sparkled between those falls and me in the early morning grey light.

Afterlife had gone on while I was away; it somewhat saddened me. When you share your nightly life with the same people, you always have the impression that things cannot be the same without you. My closest friends had missed me, of course, some more than others, but the castle was still there despite my departure and everybody’s routine had adapted to my absence. Indispensable things are very rare in this world; it is even truer with people. All of a sudden, the thought of meeting everybody at a dinner the following evening and reconnecting with some of the old habits I shared with them seemed very appealing.

~*~

Valerica knocked at my resting room door quite early in the afternoon, but she did not wake me up. Among all the old routines I found in Zaharia, I had also found my familiar insomnia. We chatted for a while, and she reassured me that the reception she had organised would be small and simple, just like I had requested. Four cainites from her Clan would entertain us with chamber music during cocktails and the meal, and the poetry recital would take place later in the garden.

“Who will be at dinner tonight?” I asked.

“The castle’s usual inhabitants, of course, my personal suite, a few additional people from my clan and our special guest, obviously. If you ask me, I think he would not miss this dinner for the world.”

“Really?” I purred, my being shaking with barely contained excitement, distress, and anticipatory anger. “And what could make you deduce such a thing?”

“When Cami went to the garden to inform him of your arrival and tonight’s reception, he just nodded his head, thanked her with his usual coldness and went back to his book. He did not speak to her for the rest of the night, even if she purposefully worked near him, just in case he would need someone to talk to.”

“That rather suggests a complete indifference to me, Valerica!”

“I know… it would suggest the same thing to me, too, if it was not for a tiny, insignificant detail,” she cooed, rising from her seat, stepping behind me, undoing my hair and putting her lips very close to my ear. “He did not even flip five pages for the rest of the time he stayed there.”

“Are you sure that… hey, what are you doing to my hair?” I asked, as she started brushing my hair with what seemed to be clear intentions.

“Do you not want to look at your best tonight?”

“I said nothing fancy, Valerica… that included me as well!”

“Trust me, nothing extravagant. Just extravagant enough to make him realise what he dared to push away. Would that suit you?”

“Absolutely,” I declared, feeling more self-confident already.

Valerica smoothed my hair and bewitched three white dahlias to hold it in a high and very simple chignon from which a few curls managed to escape and frame my face. The result was delicate, yet very elegant, and she looked quite satisfied with herself. She suggested that I wear the pearls that Severus had offered me, along with a pearl necklace, but I refused. I did not want to make him think that his attentions or gifts had any importance to me. A pained heart and pride can lead to so many foolish behaviours!

Valerica helped me choose a robe made of many ethereal veils that were of various shades of blue. She said it was a dress that always made her think of the rivers we both consulted so often. Some parts were of a dark blue that seemed taken from the deepest oceans, while others were so pale that they were almost as clear as the purest stream. After arguing for a while about the jewels I would wear, we agreed that wearing none was even better; it kept things authentic and simple, just the way I wanted.

Ivantie came knocking at my door towards nine. He was very elegant and the warmth in his smile vanished any worries that I might still have had. I took his arm with gratitude and walked at his side to the ballroom, each step seeming a thousand pounds heavier than the one before.

The characters on the marble doors welcomed me with an obvious joy; one of them even took my free hand and kissed it, a thing it rarely did. In front of us, a small group of people were gathered; they all bent in a respectful bow when Ivantie walked into the room. My eyes found Severus before they recognised any other familiar face, as you can imagine. He was standing on our right, in the middle of the group, at quite a distance from where we would pass but at a place that gave him a very good view. Indeed, his eyes met mine the second he raised from his bow, and no matter how panicked I felt while seeing him looking at me in such an intense way, I found myself unable to tear my eyes away from him.

He had not been eating well, I could tell at once. His cheeks were paler than usual and his face looked somewhat emaciated. The deep line on his forehead told me that his thoughts had not been happy ones, and yet the corners of his lips did not reveal any of his usual bitterness. I waited for them to give me a sign, to smile or sneer, but to acknowledge my presence, at least. None of his features did this. He apparently had no intention of coming towards me. I turned my eyes away and forced my lips into my most charming smile.

Ivantie and I were not left alone for long; Vasile, Iulian, Niculaie, Marcela, Vlad and even Mara (who was distant but respectful, at long last) came to us and asked me thousands of questions. Marcela and Niculaie wanted to know about the battles I had fought in, Vlad inquired about Hogwarts’ library, Vasile and Iulian first inquired, then argued about its architecture and Mara deplored my poor knowledge about the latest fashion trends in London. They kept us in an animated conversation for a long while, and I surprised myself by worrying about what Severus was doing. Turning back, I saw him sitting at a small table and engaged in what seemed like a quiet conversation with Valerica. I felt grateful to her once more.

Taking my hand, Ivantie eventually led me, along with all the others, to the dining room. He made me sit at his side, along with Valerica and Cami. Again, Severus sat at a respectful distance, but managed to be on the side opposite mine. No matter how I burned to watch every move he made, I forced my eyes to be set on my closest neighbours. He remained only a vague black shadow among a rank of colourful robes for a long time.

As you probably already know, my dearest reader, there exists a sad fate that all cainites share one night or the other, and it is the loss of one’s family. Parents, sisters, brothers… children or spouses, sometimes. Beings like ourselves know the value of bloodlines, and as such, we also value the links we share with our family members. Yet sooner or later, they slowly decline and pass away…. All that remains then are the links that bind us to our Clan. They are formed by occasional friendships, fortunate encounters, tricks of fate… and most of the time, by a Sire’s choices. Like in any family, some get along very well, share a common alliance between their souls and hearts… and some are like cats and dogs. Nevertheless, all of them reunite on special occasions and, in smaller numbers, for dinner each night.

So was my Clan and those who were part of it. And as I sat at the splendid dinner table, surrounded by all those familiar faces, I realised that I had missed them far, far more than I thought. Feelings are such a strange and complicated concept to grasp and deal with! When one is surrounded by a babbling crowd of relatives, one often wishes to be left alone in peace, at some point. And when the time comes to say goodbye and leave, at the end of a stay or even just at the end of a reception, one finds a heavy heart in one’s chest and even some melancholic tears in one’s eye.

Those cainites were my family, the only one I truly had and, like a family, they had welcomed me back among them, despite the serious disagreements we had had in the past and some peoples\' total disagreement with my actions.

My eyes met Severus’. He, too, was sitting at that table. Though he was different in many aspects from the people around him, they had still accepted him back among them, even let him fight at their side… and it was even he who had chosen to go to them in the first place, by his own will! That thought disturbed me greatly. I still had so much anger and resentment in my heart for him! Yet I had a sign, proof, right before my eyes, that the man I still loved nevertheless had his place in my family. So it was possible…

Severus’ eyes lit up with interest at last and one of his eyebrows lifted up slightly. My stomach clenched and so did my fists under the table, to prevent my hands from trembling too much. Ivantie, like the intimate friend he was, felt my distress and asked for the goblets to be filled at once. He rose from his seat and addressed the group.

“Well, you all know that I am not good at speeches… so I will be brief. I see on all your faces that you share my joy of welcoming one of us back to Zaharia. I do not need to repeat how what she did in the United Kingdom has helped us and was valuable, even if only indirectly. That point has already been made and illustrated on many occasions,” he declared, giving Severus a quick side-glance. “Antanasia, may you find peace for your soul and love and warmth for your heart during your stay, which can of course last as long as you wish it to. To Antanasia!”

We all raised our glasses and drank. To my surprise, the Blood potion had a fine and delicate flavour similar to the one I had tasted the previous night. Contrary to what I expected, Iulian’s warming method had not altered the potion’s homogeneity and I did not find any lump or sediment in the bottom of my glass.

“Iulian, this is simply delicious!” I exclaimed, turning to him with a smile. “The improvement is obvious; have you been taking lessons from Tomasz during your stay in Valerica’s clan?”

“I am not the one who made the potion tonight, Antanasia,” he replied. “Though I wish I could attribute the merits to myself, I have to concede them to Professor Snape.”

Severus did not make any comment, but raised his glass to me and gave me a very intense glare. His mind was searching for mine, but I did not grant him his wish. I nodded, however, gravely and politely, to acknowledge what was truly a meal that had been prepared with a lot of skill and delicacy.

“Maybe Iulian should take… private lessons with Severus,” murmured Ivantie teasingly in my ear. “Do you think he would accept teaching Iulian a trick or two if I locked them in the dungeon for a couple of hours? We could even watch the lesson together, behind the mirror in the observation room, like in the good old nights!”

Ivantie’s wit won over me like it usually did and my grave expression did not last one more second. I chuckled and gave a friendly slap on his shoulder with the back of my hand. Severus’ glance was burning my skin when, still smiling brightly and more genuinely, I took another sip of my meal and engaged in a pleasant and animated conversation with Vasile, Iulian and Cami.

“Have you still been able to pursue some research projects while you were in Hogwarts?” asked Tomasz, who was sitting next to Severus on the other side of the table.

“Absolutely. I have been working on a few projects on a more serious basis since February,” I replied, seeing out of the corner of my eye that one of his neighbours did not miss a word.

“Were you not working on a Blood detox potion when we spoke last time, at the summer feast?” he continued.

“I was. I have worked practically night and day for the last few weeks, and I have finally found a stable compound that can be adjusted to various alcohol levels. It is almost ready to be tested; I have bottled five sample varieties so far.”

“Well, this is certainly good news!” he exclaimed. “Congratulations!”

“The merits should not only go to me, however,” I mentioned, after people joined Tomasz in a cheer. “Professor Snape generously helped me in this project, and his intellectual input was highly valuable, I must say.”

“Well, I am not surprised, then!” said Vasile with his natural enthusiasm. He had always kept a high level of interest in what happened in my cauldrons as much from gourmandise as from intellectual curiosity. “When great minds meet, great things can happen!”

Severus’ lips formed a crisp smile for a brief instant and his cheeks turned to an almost imperceptible shade of pale pink. He then opened his mouth and seemed about to say something, but the furtive encounter of his eyes and mine made something flicker in his glance and his face became as set and neutral as if he had suddenly shut a door between us. He calmly went back to his plate of primavera pasta without a word.

The rest of the dinner was uneventful. Ivantie was a pleasant and very entertaining companion and I did enjoy myself greatly despite a certain level of nervousness (or was it anticipation?) that could not be ignored. Ivantie offered me his arm and we all slowly made our way to the garden. The weather was pretty similar to that which I had left in Hogwarts; the air was hot, but the wind coming down from the mountains refreshed our skin very pleasantly. That summer, like so many summers before, the garden was breathtakingly luxurious under Cami’s care and attention. The familiar smells welcomed me as soon as my feet touched the thick layer of grass and brought a very peaceful delight to my senses.

Vlad, who had been forewarned of the poetry recital, joined us with a very thick book that would unmistakably give us a wide variety of poems to choose from. Ivantie began the ritual and his blood chose a lovely Austrian poem about friendship. He concluded it with a tender caress on my cheek and simply sat on the grass in front of me, leaning his back against my legs. He was true to his words and wish: there was to be no formal protocol between us.

I spent the next hour or so listening to the others reading poetry, my fingers buried deep in the raw silk that were Ivantie’s thick curls. Severus systematically refused the book each time someone presented it to him. He was probably waiting for me to read first, in hope that the poem my blood chose would inform him about the contents of my heart. It is exactly what happened when my turn came, though I cannot tell if the knowledge it gave him was reassuring or not for him at that moment.

When I opened the book and let it choose a page, I was first surprised that it could even choose one. My emotions were extremely diverse and seemed to me like a blur of complex colours; picking a poem that could express them in a single picture seemed impossible to me. And yet someone had written on what I was experiencing. A Muggle man, in addition, who wrote down the exact words that I desperately needed to find… and express. His name was Nicholas Gordon and the poem’s title was “I cannot help but be what I would not”. When the initial waves of emotion subsided enough to let me speak, my voice rose in the night with a vibrant sincerity.

“I cannot help but be what I would not:
A river raging reckless through our love;
But anger is the closest thing I’ve got
To what far more aggrieved must in me move.
I know quite well that I’m not being fair:
You could not help but be untimely gone.
But unlike you, I could not be but there
To feel our child go dead within my womb.
How you are like the wind, and I the earth
That bears the seed you scatter on your way!
Mine alone the brutal joys of birth;
Yours alone the choice to go or stay.
Despite our love, despite your sympathy,
I know that I in this alone must be.”

A strange silence followed my reading. Some obviously wondered why my blood had chosen that particular poem, for they did not know about the past weeks’ torments I had gone through. Those who knew looked at me with eyes that shone with love and kindness. I could not help but think that those beautiful feelings were in fact hiding a profound sense of powerlessness.

Severus’ eyes did not use that kind of disguise before they looked away at a distant point in the starry night.

Breaking the uneasy silence that was chilling the otherwise warm night, Vlad took the book from my hands, allowing me to leave the centre of the circle and sit back with Ivantie. The poem he read was about grieving for one’s lost love.

Ivantie gave me a meaningful look after he got to his feet, but I discreetly gave him a reassuring nod and let him follow the others back inside the castle. Valerica’s hand brushed delicately against the back of my neck when she passed behind me.

“Our thoughts will be at your side,” whispered her voice in my mind as she took Ivantie’s offered arm.

Severus obviously got the hint and stayed in the garden with me. He first remained in his seat, but then chose to sit in front of me, on the opposite side of the small circle of benches that had been formed for the recital. We sat in silence for a long time, looking at the grass or at nature’s splendours around us; I doubt that we truly saw anything of it. After a while, Severus slowly got up and started walking towards me. My muscles tensed at once when I understood that he was about to sit next to me. I must have given him a warning glance, for he sat at a respectful distance and kept looking at the ground, hands tightly clutching both his knees. I wonder who, between him and me, was the wild animal that had to be approached with caution.

His mere presence, so close to me at last, invaded my senses shamelessly as soon as he took his place on the bench next to me. His intoxicating smell crept through my quivering nostrils and slithered to the very core of my veins, possessing me like a drug I had brutally been deprived of and had been craving for weeks. The sight of his large shoulders, his long and agile hands, his deliciously virile lips, his voluntary chin, his thick mass of dark hair and characteristic nose brought back hundreds of memories that shook me with happiness, lust, anger, regret, despair and hope, all at the same time. It took a lot of self-control not to lower myself by putting an end to that torturing silence. Opening my mouth would have been like gambling blindly after a race began, without having the slightest idea of what horse might reach the finish line first.

After yet another never-ending silence, he finally cleared his throat.

“I see that you have no intention of speaking to me first, so let me break the ice. I am sure that any of the usual polite
inquiries about your journey here would be completely useless…”

“Quite,” I curtly replied.

“I will get right to the point, then. Has Ivantie given you my note?”

“He has.”

“Have you given it any thought?” he asked, tearing his eyes from the ground and setting them on my right temple.

“Yes, more than one.”

“And?”

“And what?” I defensively retorted, riveting my eyes to his.

Where was the air that floated around us? Had it been abruptly sucked away?

“Well… is there something you would wish to talk about… to tell me?” he articulated, clearly taken aback by my lack of cooperation. “Anything?”

“There is not much left for me to say, Severus,” I angrily growled. “You were nowhere to be found when I had things to tell you. It is far too late now!”

“We cannot possibly leave things hanging this way, Antanasia,” he argued. “Surely there are some things you wish to share… if only to tell me how you are doing right now!”

“Oh, so that matters to you, now?” I sneered.

“It has always mattered to me, Antanasia… now more than ever.”

“Even if I could explain it to myself, to put it into words… I feel bad, that is for sure! Worse than I have ever felt in my afterlife!” I agitatedly began, rising from my seat, crossing and uncrossing my arms in search for what I truly wanted to tell him. “You left like a thief without giving any explanation about your behaviour, without giving me a chance to talk about it! In your heartless haste, did you take even a second to think about how I would feel when I found your bed empty and your letter on your desk?”

He did not say anything; I think he knew it was better not to. It only gave me the courage to really pour out all the gall I had been holding inside.

“I have been through hell during these past weeks. You hear me? Through hell! You have no idea how much it hurt me to have you give me false hopes about the summer, about us… and savagely blow it apart as if I were nothing to you! Was that what I was to you? Something disposable?”

“Antanasia…” he quietly began.

“You know what? I do not even want to listen to the excuses you have, if that is indeed what you were about to tell me. I wish none of this had happened! I wish I had never met you again… never fell in love with you! I… I wish you had killed me as you were ordered to, that morning!”

The silence that fell between us seemed a hundred times heavier, as the absence of sounds clashed ominously with the distressed roars of my aching heart. My voice had broken as I spat out the last words, but I did not break down in tears. I had ruminated about this moment over and over, preparing myself to be strong and assertive, to never give what I thought was his selfish and arrogant pride the chance to feast on my weakness and vulnerability.

I looked away, however, and crossed my arms tightly over my chest. It was the best way to keep my hands away from the monotonous echoes of emptiness in my womb. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Severus lower his head; his heavy locks soon hid the intense frown that scarred his forehead with what seemed like a complex mix of contradicting emotions. He let out a long sigh, joined his hands, and ran his fingertips on the bridge of his nose.

“But if I had done that and killed you, that morning…” he slowly declared, raising his head heavily, “I would have annihilated the last bits of soul that still lay in myself, Antanasia…”

“W… what? What do you mean by that?” I stammered, uncrossing my arms in bewilderment.

“You want to know why I ran away from you? I will tell you why… now that I understand it better. I have done a great deal of thinking, contrary to what you obviously think… and I still had not figured it out completely until a few hours ago, but it all became clear when you walked in the ballroom with that radiant smile on your face and that fury in your eyes. Before I met you, Antanasia, I was nothing but an empty shell… my heart was hollow and I wanted it to remain that way... I liked it that way. Life was difficult, very difficult at times… but so much easier to handle then.”

I slowly took a few steps back and sat on a bench opposite to him, listening raptly to his deep baritone that sounded even more intimidating with the unexpected authenticity that rang in each word he pronounced. His shoulders were tense, like they always were when he was nervous… but his hands were not clutched into hidden fists behind crossed arms; his palms were turned upwards and invited me to listen further and believe that he was telling me the truth… which I did. After a small pause, he continued his surprising confession.

“But then… then there was that morning when I saw you… and when I just could not murder you as planned, because of what you told me… we have already discussed this. What I did not really tell you is that your words shook many beliefs that I held for certainties and you made me reconsider many choices, for my own good and that of many others. Nevertheless, all this made even more sense when our paths crossed again and I got to know you better… you began to take more and more places in my thoughts and… and one day, I realised that my heart did not sound so hollow anymore.”

He paused again and swallowed hard. All of a sudden, I did not feel so lonely, so unique with the disturbing mayhem of emotions that strove to govern my reason. It was all reflected in the two splendid changing shadows in front of me. Albus was right; still waters run deep… yet those waters were not so still anymore.

“Contrary to other names that rang in there in the past… yours did not seem to be the type of echo that would fade away after a few months, like I was used to,” he continued, rightfully taking my silence for an encouragement. “My heart felt heavier than ever now that someone clung into it and I hated to feel that way. I hated to face certain days with a turmoil that sometimes shook my very essence, after we fought… after one of our fiery nights… or after just one more game of chess by the fireplace… I was not myself anymore, you see?”

“I never saw that change, Severus! To me, you were still the wizard I knew… the wizard I…” I replied, with my voice trailing off despite myself.

“You did not see it because I kept it all inside… as usual. An old technique I have mastered over the years.”

“A mastering that does not always serve you well,” I reproachfully commented.

“Not always, and even now, it is hard for me to fully see things that way. As I said in my letter, I tried to keep those dark thoughts concealed from you. I thought you would not understand… or minimize it… or take it as a bad thing, which might not have been the case, now that I look back at it. The fact remains that, as you came into my life, you changed a lot of things, and the sight of so many changes, both around me and inside me, soon started to make me feel uncomfortable. I was losing my old landmarks and my discomfort increased, day after day. Until it reached the point where I had to take radical action if I wanted to keep my mind.”

“Radical it was…” I mumbled through clenched teeth.

“Antanasia… think about it! What kind of partner, of lover, could I be to you if I did not even recognize myself anymore? It was obvious to me, then, that you would feel much better without me, and that I had to leave before all that confusion and resentment exploded in our faces unexpectedly!”

“Resentment?” I briskly repeated.

“Oh, yes… resentment! No matter how much I cared for you then, I hated you as much for doing this to me. And that was so… vain… so futile and wrong. After I left Hogwarts, I tried to convince myself that it was over and for the best. I tried to forget you in many pairs of arms that felt colder to me than the longest night of winter. Without you… being away and searching, day and night, for your presence, your voice, your touch… always in the wrong places… all of this despite myself! I was… miserable. Worse than when you left Hogwarts to live at the Headquarters with Lupin… and believe me, those were times, even then, when I often believed that my life could not get more… bitter than it was.

“But I found you nowhere, Antanasia… and certainly did not find my old self either. I soon came to the sad conclusion that I might never feel like myself again; I was lost. And feeling lost was probably worse than feeling angry. I finally sent an owl to Dumbledore, knowing that his answer would probably confirm my fear that your door was definitely closed to me… and I acted just like my father’s son; I managed to get into a few fights in seedy pubs in disreputable London neighbourhoods with a couple of Death Eaters. One night later, Albus’ owl reached me and brought me the news about your state and miscarriage.”

Was it the sound of his heart that made all that racket, in the serene quietness of the garden?

“After I recovered from the shock, I tried to Floo you three times…” he continued, obviously eager to say all the things he had pondered many times over, “but just did not have the guts to put my head in the fireplace. I did not need you to tell me that you did not want to see my face again; I could figure it out for myself. So I decided to try and make things right for a change, and I Apparated my way to Zaharia. Albus knew about my departure, but I had asked him to keep it secret from you. I think Ivantie told you about my participation to the last battles against the Russians. To be honest, they were not as liberating as I thought they would be. At that point, I would have welcomed death with my arms wide open, you know. I did not have much to come back to anyway, and nothing in my hands to build something new elsewhere. A shell that was not so empty anymore, but worse… because it had become a shell that had once been filled. What can be more pitiful and useless than that?”

He held my glance for a few more seconds, then snorted and shook his head derisively.

“All that silly babbling must not make a lot of sense to you, I suppose.”

“It makes a lot of sense to me, on the contrary, Severus,” I said, with an intended coldness that hurt him. “Life is so much harder to face for you than death, is it not? And all my life, I believed it was the other way around… I guess it makes us two completely opposite beings that will never speak the same language.”

I rose from my seat and started walking towards the castle with a set face, determined to put that difficult conversation to an end; I believed I had heard enough for the night. Severus’ voice made me stop dead in my tracks and changed my mind in the blink of an eye.

“No… I think it makes us the two halves of the same whole, Antanasia…. You are right to say that I do not speak your language, but that does not mean I cannot learn it! Not if you teach me!”

I slowly turned around and looked right into his eyes. The sight I had in front of me was very unusual. Severus was bent forward, not in anticipation of an attack that he would have to block and return, but with a desperate will to convince me and hold me back. His arms and legs were not crossed protectively over his body, creating a barrier between him and the rest of the world; his hands were open and turned up, ready to give as much as to receive. I saw all this and knew that he was sincere, yet I needed more than an honest and authentic posture to stop listening to the rage that growled inside my heart.

“Teach you… you want me to teach you?” I asked, in a voice that did not sound so neutral anymore.

“Yes,” he simply replied, intensely meeting my glance. “That morning on the hill, you told me that when we met again, we would both meet our fate. I have met mine; it was to be saved by you. It is one of the hardest things for me to accept, and I have found the idea repulsive until very recently, but no matter how I turn it in my head… there is no way around it, and I do want to find a way to be at ease with that.”

“Then show me, Severus… tell me what makes you sit here tonight and tell me something is still possible… tell me what makes us the two halves of the same whole… tell me what made you choose life on those battlefields, for you are alive, here, tonight, because you made a choice!”

“I do not have all the answers, Antanasia!” he replied, a little too defensively. “I do not know!”

I scrutinized his face for a moment, and saw some old barriers that had suddenly risen there. Contrary to what he claimed, the wizard I knew was still very present, ready to fight intruders away like he had always done. That discovery bitterly disappointed me.

“That is the first lie you have told me tonight, Severus, and it is very regrettable. Talk to me when you are ready to speak the naked truth again; I have no time and certainly no spare energy to spend on trying to make you abandon your sacrosanct self-preservation reflexes. Good night.”

My throat was imprisoned in a suffocating invisible grip as I turned my back to him and walked away, feeling completely at loss to determine if I was making a mistake or not. Fortunately for me, Valerica was waiting for me in my resting room when I entered. She was calmly sitting in my Recamier and was bent over a cross-stitch handiwork; she had kept that old hobby despite the passing of centuries that had made it rather old-fashioned.

She greeted me with a smile and made room for me next to her. I naturally told her about the very intense conversation I had just had with Severus, and she listened very attentively, a permanent glimmer of interest in her lovely green eyes. She raised her eyebrows in surprise once or twice, usually when I told her about his deeper confessions, but generally did not seem very surprised about what she heard.

“I cannot believe that he replaced me so easily! In many arms, he said!” I concluded.

“He would certainly not be the first man who would try to ignore his feelings by visiting other beds, my love,” she wisely commented. “I see it as a instinctive reaction, nothing more.”

“An instinctive reaction? That bastard was having fun shagging other women while my baby was dying, Valerica! If that is his instinct, he is more despicable than the vilest of animals!”

“I do not get the feeling that things happened that way…” she calmly objected. “From what he said, fun is something that systematically eluded him the moment he left you behind. Have you asked him if he knew of the baby’s existence when he did?”

“No… I admit I did not ask him many questions.”

“So you have no proof that he behaved the way he did with such a knowledge. Do you not think that we should give him the benefit of doubt?”

“Albus and Remus both seemed to believe that we should indeed…. Personally, I am not convinced at all. Severus said that the news of my miscarriage came to him as a shock, but it gives me no proof that he was unaware of what was going on after his departure!”

“And yet he seemed sincere, Antanasia, do not deny him this!”

“Are you taking his side against me?” I exclaimed, astonished. “You? I thought you did not like him!”

“I never said I hated him, nor did I say the contrary either,” she firmly but calmly replied. “What I know is that I believed him to be a selfish and worthless man until I tasted his blood. It gave me a doubt.”

“Ivantie told me that your attitude changed completely after those events… that the Great Dragon showed you something that you never wanted to share with anybody.”

“Indeed,” she enigmatically said.

“Was it about me? About Severus?”

“It was… no, I will not give you that information. What the Great Dragon showed me will probably be revealed to you in a very short period of time. I fear that I might change the course of the future if I disclose it to you too soon. I think it better to leave it to the natural course of things.”

“Would it help me make a decision, Valerica?” I insisted. “I am helpless here!”

“Your own pain is what makes you helpless and confused, Antanasia, certainly not Severus’. You cannot ask him to give you answers you do not possess yourself; he must be as confused as you are, right now.”

“Why should I be the kind and understanding one again? Yet one more time!” I complained, raising my arms up in discouragement.

“I know what you are waiting for, Antanasia… and you will never obtain that kind of revenge. It is impossible for him to suffer the very pain you suffered. Not now, not tomorrow, not yesterday, even if he had been at your side when those sad events took place. That quest is completely useless, for it will only bring you more frustration and disappointment. Suffer, roar and cry if you must, if that is what it takes to free yourself, but do not do it in hope of causing him the same pain. It will only make you more imprisoned in your own incapacity to forgive.”

“What should I do, then?” I murmured, desperate to hear the wise advice of my precious friend.

“I have told you before; you must open the door and let him in!”

“Last time I did, he destroyed many things!” I protested.

“And built many others. Nothing is entirely good or bad, and he is no exception. Many things happened, and they changed him just like they changed you. Maybe you should think of that changed man when you think of him from now on. Maybe that changed man deserves a second chance. Showing kindness, honesty and forgiveness will bring you just the same in return, my love.”

Valerica’s wise words made a strong impression on me. If at first my grudges made me refuse to accept what she said, reason and some of the good feelings that still struggled to survive within me heard her very well. From agitated and vengeful, I became very calm and thoughtful. My dear friend respected my need for silence, and calmly picked her needle and resumed her patient work. I saw her smile a couple of times; I think she knew how to listen to my train of thought without me having to speak my thoughts out loud.

“Do you think I should go back to the garden and talk to him?” I softly asked, once I felt ready to face him again after the warmer feelings had won the fight inside my heart.

“He is not there anymore. Ivantie spent the last hour or so at his side; they have talked a lot, it seems.”

“Severus? He talked to Ivantie in a moment like this?”

“People fighting in battles at each other’s side often develop a very particular relationship; Ivantie and Severus are no exception to the rule. Ivantie told you nothing of it, because he did not want you to be offended or feel misunderstood, given what you are going through. Nevertheless, I think he grew very fond of Severus during the past weeks and considers him a friend. From what I felt and saw, I can even suspect that the reverse is becoming true, too.”

“When I think about it… it is not that surprising, indeed,” I thoughtfully replied. “Ivantie was always the kindest to Severus when he was imprisoned here, and the latter seemed to give him some kind of instinctive trust that he gave no other guard. Are they still talking? Should I interrupt them?”

“That will not be necessary; Severus is walking towards your door at this very moment. Do you want me to leave?”

“By all means, stay!” I whispered, slightly nervous at the idea that Severus was coming to see me again.

To be honest, I think it was easier for me to figure out how to react when I let anger take the centre stage. Now that my heart started to feel otherwise, I felt lost and helpless… and started to fully understand what Severus had tried to explain during our conversation in the garden. We were so different, at times… and so alike in our differences, too!

A soft rap on the door put an abrupt end to my waiting. I tiptoed to the door and foolishly checked the look of my dress and state of my hairdo, throwing anxious side-glances to Valerica, who simply turned back and leaned her arm and chin against the Recamier’s back, smiling encouragingly. Severus did not even give me the time to open the door; his voice resounded, hesitant but firm, as I was about to lay my fingers on the doorknob. I froze on spot and held my breath.

“If you do not want to open the door, so be it, but listen to what I have to say, at least,” he said. “I chose to live, Antanasia, because a part of me still believed… still hoped that life could be worth living… and ironically, this is also the part that fought, during those nights, because I had found something that was worth fighting for. Not my own selfish perdition, but the hope that I could find my way to a better life and that it meant sharing it with other people around me who were walking the very same path, fighting at my side… and even on the other side as well. I realised that, while I was fighting for an ideal I believed to be mine, while I ran headfirst towards the enemy on the battlefields screaming your name to give me courage, I was in fact struggling to save my soul.”

My heart was in pure confusion, as I was raptly listening to him opening his heart to me with so much shame and fear… and so much genuineness. Renewed tears fell down my cheeks and created tiny rivers of pain and joy, all over my face and neck. I leaned my forehead against the doorframe and pressed one hand on the door, closer to where his deep and vibrant voice was reaching me. I almost felt his hand, which was also feverishly pressed against the piece of wood that separated us. After a small pause, he continued.

“But I was scared then… and I am still terribly frightened now, that the more I learn how to taste life, the more painful and difficult it will be to have those new things snatched away from me. And now, now I stand here helpless and lost, because it is too late to turn back and be the wizard I was before, not since you came to me and gave my life a taste… many tastes…. I find myself unable to forget them… and so clumsy to seek them back alone… without you.”

His message seized my heart and refused to let it go; I became unable to listen to him any longer without seeing his face and the two infinite and sometimes unreachable sacred lands that were his eyes. I opened the door and looked at him for never-ending minutes before I spoke. His words were such an authentic cry from the heart that it brutally shook my core and sent my thoughts into a wild whirl of emotions, memories, doubts, hurts… and hope. Those words were the wind that blurred everything before my eyes just as much as they were the light I clung to, the way out of craziness and suffering. Finally, I took a long breath and put a comforting hand on his arm. He was shaking as much as I was.

“Life is about being afraid, sometimes,” I softly said, looking right through the dark veils of his eyes into his very soul. “But being alive is learning to acknowledge that fear with humility and walk beyond it, despite it, with it…”

“Will you walk with me, then?” he asked, his soft baritone vibrant with hope.

“I can teach you to walk as you requested… as for where my place will be during your journey, I do not want to make that decision now. However, that does not mean that your arms will not retrieve the appeal they once had,” I added with a small smile, giving in to a wave of tenderness in front of the flicker of disappointment I saw on his features when I began speaking.

“Have a good day, then,” he said, after caressing my hand over his arm in silence for several minutes.

“I wish you the same. If you feel like it, meet me at the front doors when the sun goes down. We will talk some more and start walking.”

“I will count every minute until then.”

And on this, he turned on his heels and left. I counted every minute, too.

~*~

AUTHOR’S NOTES

As always... reviewing will NOT harm you, I swear! :o) Give it a try!

Just to let you know... this novel has been nominated for the Multifaced Awards in the Identity - Original Character and Best Snape fic categories. You can vote at http://magical-worlds.us/multifaceted/main.htm (from July 22nd to July 31st). Thanks! :o)

I am sorry for the delay in my posting; one of my invaluable betas was gone on a camping trip! :o) The next chapter is in editing right now! I expect to post it next week!