Only through the pain

Disclaimer:wow....I think I've completely run out of funny ways to say 'I don't own this and I don't profit from writing it'.....huh....I'll get back to you on that tomorrow....

Warning: MORE ANGST. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED REPEATEDLY!!!! AND YES I REALIZE I'M WRITING IN ALL CAPS. IT'S FOR EFFECT......ANGST!!!!

A/N: Ok, once AGAIN, I say to you all, I've been WARNING you that this is an angsty story!!!! Happy ending, yes, but angst none-the-less! Stick with me people, it get's better! Jesus, you rock. Tell me though, did that whole, crucifiction thing hurt as much as the Roman's claim it did? What about the ascension? That sounds painful too XD. Christi, hun, stay in your little corner and don't open your eyes yet, more angst on the way, and I'd rather you continued to breathe. Teh Kita, I'm sorry for the squeezy angsty feeling, but again, I DID warn everyone. There's more angst in this chapter, but it ends happy, unlike the last one. Aya-chan, **whisper** I HAVE been there before, but shhhhhhh **shifty glance** don't tell anyone!! They'll kick me out of the angsty writers club, because angsty writers aren't supposed to know! lol, jk, but I have 'been there, done that' back when I was an angsty teen. I don't recommend it. Spatac, Blaze Lupin, Elphaba, don't worry, I update almost every day, especially during the week. Hieisdragoness, no, he didn't MEAN to, but he's still a dumbass for not telling Harry in the first place. Honesty really is the best policy. That said, today's chapter is called 'Darkest Days', Stabbing Westward. Named for the entire Album, not the song. Does anyone else miss Chris Hall's long hair and tight pants, cuz I know I sure do. Oh, and sidenote! 'Harry' is the english nickname for 'Henry', in case none of you have read that comic, I will have a link posted at the bottom. Remove the spaces and enjoy the funny.

Chapter 23...I think.- Darkest Days (None, currently)


I'm going to kill him. Actually, if Harry isn't dead already, I''ll kill them both. Yes, that's much better, kill them both and then bring them back to life and beat them to death again with shoes....big clunky platform heal shoes. Yes. What the HELL was Draco thinking, waiting this long to tell Harry? God, men are morons. I distinctly remember TELLING Draco that waiting would make things worse for Harry, but did he listen to me? Nooooo, because he's a big strong bad boy, he doesn't have to listen to the silly little girl who's trying to HELP him, oh no. That would just be sensible now wouldn't it? And a big bad boy CAN'T be SENSIBLE. It would ruin his repuation....gah! That's it. That is IT! I'm turning Lesbian, just so I don't have to deal with the god damned stupid BOYS!" Ginny shouted as she fought her way through the vines which were trying very hard to make her slow down and smell the roses attached to them. "STOP! I appreciate that your roses smell lovely, but I simply don't have the fucking time to smell them!" She ordered, whacking a bush with her bag. "Harry! Harry, answer me damnit! Henry James Potter,answer me right this damned minute or I swear to you that I will start posting those pictures I took of you starkers in the shower around ALL of the common rooms!" She whacked at a bush again, "BACK OFF YOU DAMNED OVERGROWN CHIA PET!!"

(Harry)

I picked up the stick from the ground, and laughed a little. It was probably the same one I'd used that first night back at school....I hadn't been back here since, and Hermione didn't bother herself with picking things up....I'd almost done it that night hadn't I? I'd been so close to doing it then that I'd scared myself....Why had I been scared? It was the perfect answer...and it wouldn't hurt that long, right? I'd pass out before long if I did it right, and then I wouldn't feel anything. Ever.

I transfigured the stick, the spell coming easier then before. Maybe it was sign? A sign that this is what I was supposed to do. I stared at the blade I'd conjured for a minute, an hour, a day. I wasn't sure really. It was rather hypnotizing, the way the sinking sun reflected off of the metal, glowing red. I finally set the knife beside me and shrugged off my robe, the tiny mp3 player falling out as I did. I paused and picked it up instead of the knife again and debated listening to it while I cut. Maybe the music would distract me from the inevitable pain?

I turned the player on and stuck the headphones in my ear. But what to listen to? Trapt....no....I couldn't bear to listen to that right now...what if it turned to one of the songs Dr--Malfoy had sung to me? I might change my mind. No...something else. I flipped through the songs, nixing Tom Petty, Blue Foundation, Black Ghosts, Metalica, Orgy, Queen, Nickleback, The Mars Volta, Led Zeppelin, Billy Idol, Godsmack...there....Stabbing Westward. I hadn't listened to Stabbing Westward in months because it always made me want to cut more and Ginny always hit me with something whenever I did. Perfect.

"There are times when I'm just a shell
When I do not feel anything for anyone
All I feel is hollow and bruised
Used up and misused
Forced to be someone I don't want to be
Have I failed somehow or some way
Will the weight of today finally pull me down to drown
In the depths of despair
Where I am alone
Except for my rage"

How come his lyrics seemed so perfect for me? All of them, all of his songs, were perfect for this very moment. I scrolled until I came to the song I'd jokingly sung about Voldemort during sincere karaoke a few years ago.

"I hope I see you on your way down
I hope you break every bone
I hope it kills you on your way down
And I hope you die alone
All of your hate and all of your lies
Will it be worth it
When all of your friends refuse to be alibis
Will it be worth it

I'll see you on your way down
I'll see you on your way down
I'll see you on your way down

It's kind of sad to watch you break down
You greedy fuck you pissed it all away
So who will catch you on your way down
You've only got yourself to blame

When all your worst fears materialize
Will it be worth it
There's nobody left who cares you're alive
Was it worth it

I'll see you on your way down
I'll see you on your way down
I'll see you on your way down
Way down
Way down
I'll see you on your way down
I'll see you on your way down
I'll see you on your way down."

Well...now I wouldn't be there to see him on his way down, and that made me pause for a minute...was I ok with this after all? If I died, Voldemort won....Hah. As if. I knew Dumblefuck probably had a billion back up plans. My death wouldn't matter in the slightest. I picked up the knife again and started making the small slashes. Then I heard the next song on the album, and suddenly, listening didn't seem like such a good idea, but I was frozen to the bench, the knife pressed against my forearm digging deeper and trembling as I shook. It was him. It was all about him.

"I've been so alone for so long
Forgotten by the world
Forgotten to myself
Your effervescent eyes have awakened me
And brushed the dust away
But I knew you'd never stay

So I memorized the color of your eyes as I lost myself inside you
And I memorized the way our legs entwined as I drifted off beside you

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

At night I cling to you, I'm so afraid
Afraid the day will come
And I'll wake and find you gone
But you promised that you'd not abandon me
And kissed my fears away
But I woke up to that day

But I had memorized the way our eyes
would meet reflected in the bathroom mirror
And I memorized your naked silhouette as you slowly brushed your hair
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you

I've been so alone for so long
I forgot how much it hurts
To wake up so alone

But I memorized how warm your body felt
as you lay half asleep beside me
And I memorized the way the sunlight
filled the room and played upon your body

I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you
I miss
God I miss
Waking up beside you."

Oh god....Draco....I dropped the knife, but my arm was already bleeding heavily enough that I was feeling dizzy. I ripped off the headphones, just in time to hear Ginny screaming around the bend.

"BACK OFF YOU DAMNED OVERGROWN CHIA PET!!" Followed by loud thrashing noises and more angry shrieks, getting closer.

"Gin...." I called, blinking and feeling the blood loss strongly. It was strangely....euphoric, but my head was spinning and I knew I was close to passing out, as I had planned....only, I didn't want it anymore. I didn't want it....I didn't...Ginny... She would make it stop...."Ginny!" I cried weakly as the world joined my head in spinning crazy circles.

She broke through the bushes at about the same time my head hit the bench. "Shit! Harry! BACK OFF PLANT!" She ran up to me and shook my shoulder. "Harry! Harry! Shit!" She must have noticed the blood. I heard something ripping as I tried to stay concious and then a tight pressure above my forearm. A tourniquet? My arm tingled numbly. "God damn stupid boys not telling me sooner....god damned stupid plants holding me up, and now god damned blood all over my favorite scrubs." I heard her muttering as she lifted me carefully in a firemen's hold. "You god damned stupid plants better not slow me down this time!"

"Gin...." I whispered. "Yelling just makes them angry."

"Angry?! I'll fucking show you angry as soon as Poppy fixes you!" She said to me, and then muttered to herself. "Shoes. Big. Fucking. Shoes."

"Sorry Gin...I...."

"Save it! You're heavy and I can hardly carry you and mutter at the same time." She said, "You just had to pick the furthest spot from the door didn't you? Draco better be waiting on the other side to help me, or I will skin him. Mind you, I'm going to skin him anyway, but if he's not there I'll skin him with a water hose!"

"Draco....I....don't want...he's a...."

"I said save it!" Ginny snapped, "I know all about it, and trust me, whatever you're thinking, its not it....unless of course you're thinking that he should have told you sooner, because that IS true. Oh thank god, Open up door!"

"You have to say please."

"Fine! Please open up door!" The door must have opened, I'd lost all ability to keep my eyes open several feet ago. "Draco, get your sorry ass off the floor and help me!"

"Ginny? What?! Oh my god! Harry! Harry, oh god....I am so sorry Harry...." I heard Draco say as I was shifted and lifted in a much stronger grasp. I hadn't known Malfoy was that strong....oh look....blackness.

(Draco)

"Your sorry, he's sorry, I'm sorry that I EVER called you my grasshopper!" Ginny snapped at me as Harry went completely limp while I jogged as fast as I could with him to the hospital wing around the corner. "Great! He's passed out now! Poppy! I need you right now!"

Madame Pomfrey came running out to meet us, saw Harry, and immediately ran back to hold the door for us. "Mister Malfoy, lay him on that bed over there, Ginny, get the blood replenishing potions off the shelf in my office, Miss Granger, get me bandages, stitches and then get over your squeamishness or get out of here." She directed, getting a bowl of water and washrags herself as I put the unconcious, pale and barely breathing Harry on the bed.

"Harry.....please...." I whispered, and then was pushed away by Pomfrey.

"Out of the way, Mister Malfoy. Whatever you have to say to Harry can be said once he wakes up." She snapped, quickly but carefully cleaning the drying blood off of his arm and then beginning to apply the magical stitches while Ginny forced blood replenisher down Harry's throat. They worked quickly, even Hermione helping by applying some kind of salve to the bandages before Pomfrey wrapped them around Harry's arm and removed the torn cloth that was tied on his upper arm. Harry was starting to regain color, he was breathing better. "Two more potions Ginny, and then some water. We don't want him throwing a clot."

"Is....is he going to be alright?" I asked quietly, when I deemed that the girls wouldn't bite my head off.

"He'll be fine, Mister Malfoy. I've seen much worse then this." Pomfrey snapped, discarding the cloth.

"You have?" It was a hopeful question. If she'd seen worse then this, then Harry would be fine...right?

"Of course! I'm the nurse at a school full of hormonal teenagers, most of whom have just discovered that they have magical powers for the first time!" she said in an 'isn't it obvious' tone of voice. "I've seen worse just from the skirmishes you two used to cause among the other students!" Maybe she had noticed the rivalry after all... "Harry will be fine...physically anyway...but he really SHOULD see...of course, the headmaster doesn't think so, but maybe this will change his mind. Miss Granger? Would you run along and fetch him please? Mister Malfoy, I suggest you leave." Hermione nodded and headed for the door and I turned to go as well.

"No." Came a quiet voice from the bed. Harry was awake. "I want him to stay and I don't want Dumbledore to know."

"Harry!" Hermione cried, quite literally, "you're so stupid! How could you do something like that to...."

"Miss Granger, perhaps it's YOU that should leave." Pomfrey interupted wisely when Harry flinched away from her. "Go on then, it's dinner time and you probably have homework to do?"

"A-alright....Harry?"

"Yes, go...please." Harry said, looking grateful. "If you don't do your homework how will I copy off you?"

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that." Pomfrey frowned after Hermione left. "And I'm not going to send for the headmaster just yet, but I do think he should know." She looked over to her office. "I have a firecall to make. Ginny, if you need me..."

"I think I can handle it Poppy, thanks." Ginny said, glaring evily at me. I was so dead.

"Alright then." Pomfrey said, and whisked into her office, muttering to herself.

"Draco." Ginny hissed, as soon as the door was closed. "Explain yourself to Harry. Properly. Harry, listen to what this moron has to say and don't interupt!" She bent down and took off one of her shoes, waving it threatiningly, "understood?!"

"Yes ma'am!" I said, backing off a little. She was sooooo going to kill me.

"You'd beat someone in a hospital bed?" Harry asked, appalled.

"Damn straight! Now get on with it!"

A/N: There you go guys, a nice long chapter, with songs and angst and a few jokes to boot. next chapter, Draco's full and complete explanation. here's the link. copy, paste and remove the spaces! http : // www. elfwood. com/ fanq /m /e /melindakk /roncomic _web1_ copy. jpg. html