Forgiveness

Thanks for the review on the last chapter.

This chapter was beta'ed by Jilliane. She also came up with the phrase about bottled water and mermaids. What a gal.

Chapter 26

It was Halloween in Severus’ first year as an instructor. Professor Dumbledore told him to start the term and so he had. Lily was safe and the Dark Lord appeased by his spy’s placement on the staff. Severus sat at the Head table willing the students to look elsewhere as his Dark Mark began to tingle and then to burn. His gaze fluttered past Hagrid to Prof—no, Albus. The older man looked directly into Severus’ eyes and ascertained to problem with a quick spell. He nodded and Severus retreated from the room.

As he made his way past the teacher’s entrance, he collapsed as endless waves of agony enveloped his arm. He may have cried out for suddenly Poppy Pomfrey was on him and Albus was away in a furious flurry of violet and moon emblazoned robes with Hagrid on his heels.

Severus sobbed through his pain as the fire increased. Poppy moved him through a Floo that connected with all the Professors quarters and the Hospital Wing; a Floo that Albus himself had set up over direct opposition of the Board of Governors. He swallowed against the bile that rose as she bathed his arm with no effect in Dittany then, Severus’ own Burn Ointment. She said nothing to ease his pain. Even though Severus had been one of her favourites while he had been in school, she had yet to forgive him for the Mark that was now torturing him.

He fought as she attempted to administer both Sleeping and Calming Draughts. “I must leave. He demands it.”

“At least take this.” Poppy shoved the Calming Draught into his hand. “You’re not even attempting to Occlude. That bastard will see through you in an instant.”

Severus quaffed the vial of potion, his arm drawn to his body, praying that the Dark Lord was not attuned to the mediwitch’s words. He summoned enough strength to exit the Ward and made his way down his quarters on the second floor. He donned his Death Eater garb and Floo’ed to Malfoy Manor through a secret connection established through Lucius’ influence.

Narcissa greeted him, her face white and frantic and her eyes red-rimmed. She grappled with Severus as he pushed past her into the nether regions of the Manor, calling for Lucius. He found his old friend slumped over his own marred arm, his face even paler than normal. Draco wailed at his feet.

Severus barked, “Do make yourself useful, Narcissa and go to the Dark Lord’s store and fetch me the Calming Draught.”

“Draco...” she said as if the child’s presence were an excuse for her to countermand Severus’ orders while in service to the Dark Lord.

Snape rounded on her, his pain making him shorter with the woman than normal. “Do you wish the Dark Lord to be displeased that his cash cow is incapacitated in His time of need?”

Narcissa fled with a cry of fearful outrage. Severus turned next to Draco. He picked up the child, jiggling him so that he might quit his caterwauling. The toddler, after several passes of the room, calmed.

Lucius stirred. “Put him next to me, old man.”

“Who would have thought you would be such a devoted father,” Severus intoned waspishly. “Have you any news about...”

“Nothing. This is no Summons, Severus.” Lucius answered over gritted teeth as he jiggled a silver rattle over his son’s head. “I fear... I fear our fight is over. He is defeated.”

Severus stiffened, knowing that only one thing would defeat the Dark Lord and realising whose involvement was implied. He fled the room, his heart shattering with the thought...

&*&*&

Severus started awake as he felt a questing hand on his stomach. He rolled over and captured his molester, pushing her onto her back and pinning her. It was still dark outside. He nuzzled her neck, as he asked, “What could you want with my person, so early in the morning?”

“Nothing,” Antonia’s innocent reply was accompanied by a frantic flapping of her pale brown lashes. “I just thought I would get my other Christmas present early.”

“I had no idea a little game of slap and tickle could be considered a gift. I could have spared myself some expense.” He drifted lower, taking his time on the expanse of skin she had apparently bared before her assault.

Antonia pulled sharply on his hair as he delved lower. “Severus, I don’t think we’re alone.”

Severus rose to his elbows and saw Stella’s dark head on the floor, her body covered by the thick goose-down duvet she had appropriated the night before. He groaned as his daughter snuffled in her sleep. “Children have ever been the bane of my existence.”

Antonia pulled her nightgown over her head as she laughed. “You’re the one who said he wanted six.”

“I’ve come to my senses.” Severus growled as he willed his excited state away and then rose from the bed. He crouched next to his daughter’s prone form. “Dearest, wake up and go back to your own room.”

Stella stirred and turned over, gracing him with a beatific smile. “Daddy, Mrs. Dance said if I could wake you up, we could open Christmas presents.”

“My dear, it isn’t even...” He cast a Tempus charm and shuddered. “It isn’t even six yet. Go to bed and I promise I will wake you as soon as I rise.”

“You’re awake now,” Stella pouted.

Antonia chuckled. “It’s a losing battle, Severus.”

“Oh, for Merlin’s sake,” he huffed. “This is exactly why I hated Yule at Hogwarts. The little dunderheads were always too excited by greed and sugar. Stella I shall be below stairs in a few moments. You will eat a healthy breakfast and we will wait for the entire household to rise before we open gifts. Is that understood?”

Stella nodded, shooting Antonia a complicit look before stumbling out of the room with her night linens. Severus did not miss the wink that Antonia bestowed upon Stella. Insufferable females.

Severus climbed back onto the bed, his muscles aching as he did. He covered a grimace as Antonia touched his back. She said, “You’re really good with her.”

“Thank you,” he answered with a scowl. “Most of the time I feel I am completely out of my element.”

“That’s what Daddy said to me after you asked to court me and I began to panic about being a parent. He said that’s what most parents feel.” Antonia began rubbing his shoulders. “You’re tight. Is it a bad day?”

“Yes.” Severus leaned into her hands. “I shall need to take the Demerol and possibly the Calming Draught.”

“Okay.” Antonia kissed along his shoulder, leaving a moist trail as she did. “I do love you, so much.”

“I believe I am beginning to...” Severus thought of his long-held feelings for Lily. He had loved her. He had. Antonia’s touch smoothed further down his back drawing his thoughts to the truth of Lily once again. He sighed. “I should like to tell you... about Lily now.”

“No.” Antonia said. “I don’t want to hear it, not today. Let this be our day. You gave me a ring last night and I want today to be mine, not anyone else’s.”

Antonia continued her massage, easing the firing neurons with trembling fingers. Severus replied, as steadily as he could over the beating of his frantic heart, “Of course, my dear. I wasn’t thinking.”

&*&*&

Albus returned and with him, he brought the news of Lily’s death. Severus felt as if a piece of him had broken as he begged for death only to have Albus snatch the prospect away by extracting the promise to protect her child. Severus was not certain he could.

Years passed and Severus settled into his persona of walking misery. What had started as defence against the sneering of students became offence. He sank further into his wretchedness every year. He sneered his way through life, alienating even his closest friends so that he could make it from day to day in a world without meaning. Every night, he relived his precious few memories of Lily and every day he tried to find meaning in a world without her.

He wore his misery like a thick cloak and punished the world for not joining in his self-imposed life of penance. On his holidays from Hogwarts, he spent his time in Spinner’s End, looking out across streets that had become bleaker with each mill closing and each job lost. He visited their park, walked past her parents’ old house, haunted places that he knew she had been. He mourned, and in his extremity of emotion, he began to feel that she punished him. He welcomed it as a masochist welcomes pain.

On September 1, 1991, his punishment took physical form as he looked out onto the mass of students and saw James Potter’s hateful face with Lily’s eyes glaring balefully at him. What surprised the Potions Master most about his reaction to the child was the feeling of inadequacy the child’s presence evoked, and the memories of past tortures at the hands of James Potter. Severus felt, even then, the shame of his greying pants and second hand robes, even though he had not had to endure either states of dress since he had become an adult.

As Severus attempted to ignore the boy’s insolent bespectacled stare, he realized with startling clarity that his penance had come home to roost with a raging vengeance.

&*&*&

Gaius entered the kitchen just as Stella, Joseph Pony, and Miss DuPre sat down for their breakfast. Severus and Antonia had both opted for a lighter breakfast of toast and tea, but the children, intent on gustative excess, fixed a full home-style Lakota breakfast of fry bread, honey and bacon. Severus snagged a piece of the steaming bread from Joseph Pony’s plate as the boy scowled at him.

Joseph Pony returned to the hob to get a second piece and settled next to Severus again as the ponce entered the room. Antonia beamed at her brother, “I thought you weren’t going to be here ‘til later.”

The smarmy bastard, even with his hair dishevelled and his face swollen from recent sleep, looked charming. Severus noted with some disgust that both Miss DuPre and Stella were duly impressed. He smirked behind his copy of the Muggle Daily Oklahoman, the region’s largest daily newspaper.

“I got in about three,” Gaius mumbled as he groped in the cabinet for a cup for his coffee. He yawned without covering his mouth, sending Stella into a fit of giggles, then continued, “I thought... well, I’ve already told Mama and Daddy. I’m coming home. I want to go to Law school, you know, do something good with my life instead of trying to...”

Severus rustled his papers loudly as he turned the page. Marvellous. His James-Potter-brother-in-law would probably take full advantage of the proximity to make Severus’ life hell. He felt the acid burn of a retort to the ponce on the tip of his tongue.

Gaius said into the silence, in an offhand manner that was not to be believed, “I thought Johnson would be with you.”

“Johnson’s got his own family, you know that.” Antonia said with a cat-in-the-cream expression. “They’re connected to the Floo, if you wanted to call him.”

Gaius turned his attention to stirring sugar into his coffee. Severus remained engrossed in his reading, until Gaius said with a sneering tone, “I hear my sister lost her mind and agreed to let you court her, Snape.”

“Guy.” Antonia warned.

Severus turned the page, not having found anything worth reading in the slightly pedantic publication, and with a snap, folded the paper neatly. “She has actually come to her senses and agreed to marry me. I gave her the ring last evening.”

“What?” Joseph Pony asked in mock outrage. “You asked her without letting us be there?”

Miss DuPre squealed and eagerly grasped at Antonia’s left hand while Stella hugged Severus amidst kisses and many professions of gratitude. Severus suffered his daughter’s attentions with greater forbearance than he might have been able to call upon at an earlier stage of his life. His daughter turned to look at the ring, freeing Severus from her attentions. The Potions Master gave a mere lift of his lips as the ponce scowled.

As the hubbub of the announcement swirled around them, Gaius levelled his gaze at Severus. “If you hurt her like Thierry did, you’ll have me to answer to, Snape.”

Severus inclined his head in acquiescence to the warning, glad of Antonia’s trust of the previous evening.

A loud knock sounded on the door. Stella ran to the entryway and opened it before Severus could caution her against the action. He rose and strode to her, placing her behind him as he greeted the interloper. “May I help you?”

“Yeah, got a delivery for Bob Dance.” The rough-hewn man spoke as he thrust a clipboard into Severus’ hands. Severus peered down at the slip of paper as the man stalked to the back of his truck and led out a string of goats and a small donkey. Stella squealed in delight as Severus cursed under his breath.

He followed the man to the animals. “There must be some mistake; the animals were to be delivered next week.”

“Sorry, I start a new job next week.” The man scratched his bum as Severus pulled his frock coat’s hem from the questing lips of one of the goats. “Where you want’em?”

Severus cast about for a likely location for the beasts, as he heard Antonia scold Stella for being on the veranda without shoes and a coat. He heard the screen door shut with a bang and then Stella’s heavy tread running on the wooden floors of the interior.

Antonia came out in her terrycloth dressing gown and hastily thrown on trainers. “Severus, what...”

“Your bride price,” Severus answered his face heating as he realised the Muggle driver was listening avidly to the exchange. “Where might your father wish to house them?”

Gaius joined them, his handsome face covered in a wreathing smile. “Did I hear you right? This is what Dad asked for in exchange for Toni?”

“It is,” Severus answered. “And a case of Ogden’s, which shall be delivered on Friday along with a cart for the ass.”

Gaius laughed aloud as Antonia hit him with the back of her hand. “Shut up.”

“You’re worth goats, a donkey and some liquor,” Gaius wheezed. “Snape, you could sell bottled water to a mermaid.”

Antonia strode away from them, directing the man to take the livestock to the chicken coop at the back of the acreage. Stella slammed out of the door, her coat askew and towing a barely conscious Bob Dance.

&*&*&

From the Diary of Blaise Zabini, December 24, 2000

Pansy and I came back to England for the reading of her father’s will. I’ve left Pansy with Daphne and Astoria Greengrass. Their Manor holds happy memories for her and so I think she shall be safe until I return tonight from my errand.

For years now, I have held a piece of paper that Professor Snape dropped on his way out of one of the Carrows’ teaching sessions. The tattered piece of paper said, only:


Lots of Love,

Lily

I knew it was important to him, and wondered at his carelessness. It was not like him to disregard any aspect of his persona. I can only think that he hoped I would piece together the patchwork of his life and conclude what I have. I’m going to Hogwarts to get confirmation in the only manner I can. I intend to break the wards on his room and snoop. I know what I will be looking for, but do I truly want to find it? Ever since I learned that Harry Potter’s mother’s name was I have been haunted by the spectre that the man I thought I came to know through my work with him and his care of me might have been in love with a ghost ...

... 'McGonagall was not pleased, but after a heated exchange with Dumbledore's portrait, allowed me access to the dungeons and the corridor that all of us Slytherins knew so well. Once given permission, I shrugged off her offers of assistance. I did not need her stern face and acquisitive nature around when I learned what I needed to know.

When I went to the door to his room, I was struck by the sheer enormity of what I had lost. I know it sounds selfish, but Professor Snape had always been important to me, even before he learned of my sexual abuse. His terse words of approval were worth their weight in gold to all his Slytherins, and possibly more to Granger. She, of all the students of our year, seemed to be the only one to respect him outside his snakes. I should look her up while I’m here, but I heard she married Weasley and that is one Gryffindor I could never abide. If only she had known that Percy pined for her. He was a Weasley worth his salt.

I broke through the wards easily enough. Severus had taught me how to recognise many of the traps he set. Those he didn’t teach me, I had learned in my Curse-Breaking duties for Heppintaints, Gringotts and Rothschilds. I hope Severus would be proud that I was able to put his teachings to good use.

I opened the door and felt as if I were thirteen again and shaking with rage as he read my journal...

Or that I was fifteen and aching after I rebuffed the attentions of Miss Weasley...

Or that I was seventeen and letting him cast the Glamour that would allow us to weave the fiction that her father never drove my wife to the brink of madness and that I was still whole...

His scent clung in the air, redolent of the potions he produced, bitter and acrid with a hint of lavender and mint. I sniffed the rarefied air that hinted at his presence and cried out in an agony of denial. He could not be dead. I loved him.
I shifted through his belongings, trinkets of a life wasted in pursuit of a ghost and I saw it, the one thing that confirmed what I feared.

It was a Pensieve, the silver tendrils of thought laid out as if waiting for his return, clouded by a fine sheen of dust. I touched the surface and was transported to a younger version of Severus, not carefree, burdened by the weight of his sins, but yet unformed in the crucible of both Voldemort’s and Dumbledore’s devising.

I watched him looking at a woman, with eyes the exact shade of Harry Potter’s and flame-red hair. She peered at him through the warped surface of a window and he jerked his head up to meet her gaze, awareness of her in his swift action. She smiled at him sadly and he returned her look with a scowl until she left. As he watched her retreat from his vision, his hands shook and he held his head so that I could only see his greasy hair. As I watched his hands, I saw a single tear fall on the back of one white digit.

He said as if in prayer, “Lily.”

The memory stopped and I withdrew. I knew, and I would keep his secret because I loved him more for it, and knew he would want me to do just that.


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