Understanding

All Harry Potter belongs to JK Rowling, all songs belong to Evanescence.

But you all knew that already.


****This chapter is dedicated to deblovesdragon whose acknowledgement I forgot last chapter but who is my right hand in the battle against the forces of evil. SORRY I FORGOT YOU!!!!!****


Understanding
Chapter Twenty-Seven:
October

****I can't run anymore, I fall before you
Here I am, I have nothing left
Though I've tried to forget
You're all that I am
Take me home, I'm through fighting it
Broken, lifeless
I give up, you're my only strength
Without you I can't go on anymore, ever again
My only hope
My only peace
My only joy
My only strength
My only power
My only life
My only love
I can't run anymore, I give myself to you
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
In all my bitterness I ignored all that's real and true
All I need is you
When night falls on me I'll not close my eyes
I'm too alive and you're too strong
I can't lie anymore, I fall down before you
I'm sorry
I'm sorry
My only hope
My only peace
My only joy
My only strength
My only power
My only life
My only love
Constantly ignoring the pain consuming me
But this time it's cut too deep
I'll never stray again
All the times I've tried to walk away from you
I fall into your abounding grace and love is where I am
My only hope
My only peace
My only joy
My only strength
My only power
My only life
My only love****

It took considerably longer than I would have liked to recuperate from my stabbing and subsequent surgery. In the weeks I lay bedridden in my home, being watched over carefully by a revolving cast of Hogwarts professionals, I begged the Headmaster to tell me how they'd managed to get a major operation for free, but he would only smile and give me that silly little twinkle in his eye before replying that I didn't need to know as I shouldn't make a habit of staying in Muggle hospitals. I had a feeling that though he was proud of somehow magically hoodwinking the medical community he was still a bit embarrassed that he'd had to do something a bit less than legal. I suspected a hearty round of "Obliviates" and some well-timed apparation, but the old man would never give up the secret.

During my convalescence every living Hogwarts professor and staff member took turns staying with me and catering to my every need, and while I'm quite sure I could have easily become used to the pampered life, the lack of exercise was wreaking havoc on my waistline. I had to walk around the house for twenty minutes every day, but other than that, the professors (particularly Minerva) treated me as if I wouldn't have hade the sense to come in from the rain.

All the professors, is, is, beside Severus.

Severus left my side only when absolutely necessary and only spoke to me when there was no one else in the room. We had not discussed his confession in the hospital room since that night when I had been pumped quite full of pain relievers which had ultimately caused me to giggle while running a hand through his hair and making the observatioat hat he would look "silly" with pigtails. The silliness factor, however, did not stop me from trying to physically put his hair in pigtails. Luckily, Dumbledore had arrived back in the room just as Severus was becoming nervous that there was really no diplomatic way to tell a woman oin min meds who was also the love of your life that it would not be super-fun to braid your hair. I know that due to my... um... fogginess that Severus was unsure of how I had reacted to his speech, and now that the drugs and their artificial confidence were out of my system, I found it utterly impossible to talk to him.

What was I supposed to say? Did I really forgive him? Why should I take him back? I loved him more than anything I'd ever loved in my life, but I he was my first boyfriend ever, and I didn't know how to act. What if he was a bad boyfriend? What if he was the kind of boyfriend parents were supposed to tell theirghteghters to stay away from? I didn't want to be the kind of silly little girl who keeps taking back the bad, abusive boyfriend who hurts her just because she loves him.

But I did love him.

And he had apologized.

But they all say they're sorry. Isn't that why women go back to bad men? They say they're sorry and it'll never happen again and baby, you know I love you? Was Severus any different from a boyfriend who hit me or belittled me? I mean, really? Was Severus honestly any different? He had hurt me time and again with selfish, childish actions. He had tht nht nothing about me on several occasions.

But he had held me when my friends died. He had given me Dreamless Sleep when I was so terrified I was waking the whole of Gryffindor tower with my shrieks, and he's lobbied to wake me for my friends' funeral. He had been almost first on the scene when my parents died. He had given me my mother's claddagh and carried my fatheraskeasket. He had given me my first real kiss and had caused himself great physical pain on my behalf. He had given me the most beautiful birthday I'd even known and had been my first and only lover. He had fought and killed Draco Malfoy for me. He had saved me.

And he had poured his heart out for me in the hospital room. That hadn't been a "Baby, I'll never do it again" kind of confession. That had been a heart-wrenching, "I hate myself for what I've done to you" kind of confession.

Yes, Severus was definitely different than those men. Severus was a good man. Severus was an honest man.

Severus was my man.

So, with that decided (and with a mental promise that if it ever happened again, I was definitely going to leave him), I pledged to tell him how I felt the next time we were alone together. I was scheduled to come off bed rest the next day, and Madam Pomfrey was coming to give me the final okay that afternoon. I figured that Severus was bound to show up after his afternoon classes and we could maybe take a walk around my neighborhood or even just to the television (I had been longing to go doairsairs to catch up on "Footballers' Wives," but the magical folk felt that it was not important for me to do so. I had been more than annoyed.). But Madam Pomfrey had come and gone with no sight of Severus. The afternoon light quickly faded as the October evening took its place, and I had almost lost hope when an owl landed on the sill of my window.

Moving to the window with a slightly wary unease, I opened it and took the parchment off the owl's leg, ruffling its feathers good-naturedly and throwing it a crust of the toast I'd had for breakfast (just because I COULD walk to the kitchen now didn't mean I wanted to. Besides, cleaning dishes was not my forte.). The parchment was an odd color, not the bright red of a Howler, but a darker, more subdued red. By all other accounts, though, it looked like a Howler, and I narrowed my eyes distrustingly at it.

Oh, well. Might as well open it as I would eventually hear the contents anyway. Tearing open the seal, I was surprised to hear not screaming but the soft, fragile notes of the upper range of the piano and a sweet, familiar voice. It was indeed a Howler, but not charmed to sc. I. It was more like a magical singing telegram, and I knew instantly who it was from.

Listening to the words I began to smile and cry at the same time, wondering once again if my hormones would ever allow me to differentiate between the two. It was a familiar song, and it should be. The sender had taken his time researching and selecting a song, I was sure. He had been careful and thoughtful. He knew I would know this song.

Well, he bloody well should know. It was Evanescence- the virtual soundtrack of our relationship. He must have taken some time and effort to find the song as I wasn't completely sure it had ever been released, and it would have been doubly hard for a magical person to figure out Muggle musical recordings.

But all thoughts of that nature were quickly cast aside as Amy Lee's sweet voice and heartfelt lyrics washed over me.

Oh, man. Severus knew exactly how to hit me where it counted.

"Then you look at me
You're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I don't want to lose you
But somehow I know that you will never leave me
'Cause you were meant for me
Somehow I'll make you see how happy you make me
I can't live this life without you by my side
Id yod you to survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming inside
That I'm sorry
And you forgive me again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you"

By the time the song ended I was either laughing quite heartily through my tears or crying quite whole heartedly through my mirth. Either way, I knew that Severus was forgiven and that he knew he would be when he had sent the owl. And I knew that I loved him. God help me, after everng hng he'd done, I loved him. It was true. He was meant for me. There was no one else in the world for me beside him, and I was ready to head downstairs to floo to Hogwarts when I heard a soft rustle in my doorway. Turning quickly, I beamed up at the man who had been at once my destruction and my savior. The man I loved more than anything.

Ignoring Madam Pomfrey's instructions to take it easy, I ran to the door and flung myself into his arms, kissing him deeply and holding him as if I could physically not let go. Pulling away after the kiss to look in his eyes, I was thrilled to see him smiling, even if he did look a bit confused. Eyeing me cautiously, he brushed a lock of hair from my face.

"So the song worked, then?"

***********

Hermione giggled as she pulled away from me and led me to sit on the bed with her. As we sat, I was elated to feel that she still held my hand and was gently stroking it with her thumb. She smiled at me and I wanted to die. It was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

"Actually," Hermione began. "The song was a bit too little, too late, but you're lucky. I had decided to forgive you, like, ten minutes before I got the owl." I blushed and looked down at our interlaced hands. If it took every last day of my life, I would show this woman exactly how much she meant to me. I had meant every single word I spoken in the hospital, and I knew she knew that. I would never have to say it again, and she would never make me. She would always love me for who I was andt I t I had been, and I never had to worry about it again.

Apparently I had zoned out, because soon I felt her clasp my hand tighter and her voice sounded softly.

"Severus?" I turned my head to look upon her once again, to find her with a worried expression on her face. "I love you."

The simple words continued to have the most profound effect on me, and had it not been for my complete build-up of badass attitude from dealing with my classes earlier that day, I may have even cried. Instead I simply cupped her face in one hand and looked her in the eyes.

"I love you, too, Hermione." She smiled sweetly- happily- at me then and turned her face to kiss my palm.

"Glad to hear it," she whispered as she leaned in close to me and kissed me once again. I was pleasantly surprised to feel her move closer to me and press against me. I kissed her deeper, our tongues intertwining, as she crawled into my lap and began rubbing against me quite provocatively. She kissed me hungrily, but as she broke free to nip at my neck, I held her away from me a bit.

"Hermione, are you sure? You're not supposed to exert yourself, and I was only forgiven ten minutes ago, remember?" The little minx grinned at me then and lay back on the bed, keeping one of my hands clasped tightly in hers. I could not help but grin back, knowing exactly what effect my words had had on her.

"Well, in that case, it's best I don't exert myself. I guess you're just going to do all the work today." I bit my lip and stifled a moan. She had already begun to take off her shirt and I could tell she wasn't wearing anything underneath.

"Hermione, I'm not sure even that is a good idea."

But she had begun unbuttoning her jeans.

"Then think of it as atonement for your sins," she began earnestly with more than a hint of sarcasm in her voice. "You like that, don't you, you big brooding guy?" She licked her lips and never broke eye contact with me. God help me, she knew the power she had over me. I could not have denied her anymore than I could have run away from her again. Capitulating, I bent down to help her remove the offending garments along with her underwear.

Standing above her, I began to undress myself, watching her watch me with rapt attention. I watched her eyes as they took in every inch of my body, and I stood entranced by the excitement and land and desire she showed as she looked me over. I knew that as long as I lived, one of the very best sights in the world would be the physical evidence of how much Hermione loved me. The smile she flashed as I approached her, the slight lick of her lips as she prepared for a kiss, the complete and utter adoration in her eyes as I lay on top of her and slowly entered her. Wrapping her legs around my waist and letting her head fall back in satisfaction, she moaned as I moved deeper and deeper into her. Finally, when I was completely enveloped by her, she lifted her head and whispered in my ear.

"Welcome home."

*****************A/N********************
The song in the howler was "Forgive Me" by Evanescence (duh- do I EVER quote anyone else? Well, besides "Baby Got Back...")

OKAY- I'm taking a poll, as this story is winding down (and I have to say it will be one chapter shorter than originally anticipated because I simply could not make one of them work), I have a question for my faithful followers =) :
Would you rather I post more stories and have slower updates or post fewer stories and have fairly consistent updates? I don't know which one I personally prefer as an author or a reader, but I guess I'll let you guys decide!

THANKS:
Deb: You are quite possibly the sweetest reviewer I have ever had!!!! You spoil me, you know! And my cheeks are almost permanently red from the blushing you cause! Thank you SO much! You are my hero!

spaz141: Glad to make your night! And yes, I have one other story published (a comedy called "Goodnight, Demon Slayer"), and I have a bazillion more bunnies running around my head, so unless I drop dead there will plenty more Sevvie goodness coming from me!

deblovedragon: Did I make it better? Was dedicating the chapter to you enough? I hope so! Glad you liked Sev's confession. It was hard to write, looking back at really how crappy he did treat her. Hope you liked this one!

droxy: Yeah, don't get used to it!! =)

Florentia: Yeah, I'd prefer to have Sev wake me up, too, but I can think of some more interesting ways...

GrrArrg (Master): Wow! One of the most awesome fights? And this coming from a "Buffy" addict? I am truly touched, but as we all know, I'm a fan of violence. Glad to know I can pull it off literarily (is that a word?) Damn! I must be good- you LOVE the Malfoys and you were glad I dusted him! (Oh, God! The dorkhood is contagious!)
Anyways... I think that you have no right to call my story heartbreaking when yours was absolutely apallingly so! Besides, all I did to 'Mione was kill everyone she loves... You're having her LEAVE SEVERUS? I'm still mad about that, I'll have you know. You'd better make it right! Oh, yeah, and lots of kisses to you for listening to me ramble when you're trying to write!

arcessita: Thanks a lot, but if you skip the lyrics, you're skipping half the story. The way I think of it is as if the story were a movie. You can't skip over the soundtrack that underscores it- it's fundamental to the mood and tone. But anyways, just my feelings... You should give it a chance, though. You might be surprised! Thanks!

batgirl: Thanks!

Droxy: I'm glad you liked it! It was hard to write which probably means it'll end up being one of my favorites!