Shiver

Fuck,fuck,fuck.

My mind has been whispering this like a strange kind of song ever since Hermione vanished. 

No one important—the fucking help is at my door, asking me if I want my meals brought to my room directly, and then that fucking bitch leaves me.

And how could I forget? 

When I moved into these quarters I remember there being a couple of items I intended to toss—floo powder, for one.  I thought I had removed everything, but clearly I had not and now I am staring up at the ceiling in a drunken haze.

All my carefully laid plans have been unraveled, torched, and summarily disposed of. And I smile dreamily, because there is a strange feeling of euphoria, borderline hysteria, gripping me.

I should have waited.  I should have been more careful.  But I only have myself blame.  I fucked it up. I was overconfident, and she slipped to god only knows where.

I allow myself to entertain where she may have wound up.  She could be speaking to the authorities, my arrest warrant is being signed and soon they will be knocking at the door.  Ready to give me the death they have been dying to give me.

And I laugh out loud.  ‘Perhaps you aren’t anywhere desirable Ms. Granger.  Perhaps you burst from the fireplace, naked and sobbing, only to find yourself in the company of very bad men.’ And my voice is high, and I bet anyone would love to see me in hysterics, like a weak pathetic boy, ‘Maybe you’re experiencing a new kind of hell that is far worse than anything I’ve done to you.’

I shake my head, laughing so hard that tears are coming to my eyes.  And I squeeze them shut, trying to erase the images of others hurting her.  It makes me want to vomit, and I squeeze my hands into fists because she’s mine to hurt, mine to touch, mine to do whatever I fucking want. 

After all the planning, after all these years, and still the universe is trying to deprive me of what I want.

Calm down.

I take deep, steadying breath and then sit up.  Classes start soon, and I need to find Hermione Granger before then, and more importantly, before someone else does.