Love Vigilantes

“I keep a service bell by my bed for you. Let the others do what they do. I will hold on.” (Service Bell, by Grizzly Bear, featuring Feist)

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Another three days had passed since Hermione’s incident in the Room of Requirement. Severus made sure no one knew of what had happened; the school merely thought she had caught a particularly nasty case of the stomach flu and was being quarantined as to not infect the rest of the student body. All the while, Severus had tried almost everything to revive her, practically depleting his stores, and she still hadn’t woken up. He had neither slept nor ate since he had brought her back, haunted by the images in his memory and the words she said to him. He had no doubt now that it was true. She loved him. She loved him, and it nearly killed her. He felt as though it was his fault and he was becoming desperate for a way to save her. His last hope rested on a potion he had only read of in advanced Potions articles, ones that merely speculated about its restorative properties. He had all the necessary ingredients to brew it, but the thing he needed more than anything was his sanity. Every moment not devoted to his teaching was spent with Hermione, willing her to wake. He was constantly attempting to enter her mind, only to become more depressed as he found nothing there, no spark of life. He couldn’t trust his brewing skills under such pain. For once in his life, Severus Snape admitted to himself that he needed help, and there was only one person he knew on whom he could rely for what he needed now.

The next morning, Severus found himself yet again at his desk, too burdened even to maintain the snarky attitude for which he was known. Even his students realized that something was wrong with their Potions master. They knew that only the greatest of disasters could prevent him from taking even the slightest number of points from Gryffindor for the minutest of reasons. Normally, he would have just taken out both his anger and helplessness on Harry and Ron, but instead he merely pointed to the board before continuing to study his notes on the potion that would hopefully be able to save Hermione’s life. As the class came to a close, and the students turned in their assignments, Severus finally broke the uncomfortable silence that had been lingering over his classroom for the past three lessons.

“Mister Weasley,” he called weakly, suddenly unaccustomed to the sound of his own voice after the long period during which it had gone unused, “if I could have a word with you?”

“Oh… um… sure, Professor.” Ron looked back at Harry and shrugged before walking up to his desk. “You need to ask me something?”

“Yes, Mister Weasley. I would greatly appreciate it if you would ask your sister to stop by my office as soon as possible. I assume you will see her sometime during the course of your day, in the Great Hall perhaps?” He replied evenly, never looking up. Instead, he kept his eyes focused on the papers in front of him.

“Oh, yeah, I’ll see her. We all usually eat around the same time, anyway. I’ll tell her to come by. Should I tell her anything else like… why?”

“That will not be necessary, Mister Weasley. She should understand why. You may go now.”

Before knowing whether or not Ron had let himself out, Snape hurried through the door to his study. He wasn’t willing to waste any time that could be spent with Hermione; it was going to be his last afternoon with her for a while. A few hours later found Severus back in his study, hearing a faint knock coming from his classroom.

“Professor Snape, are you in there? Should I come in or would you prefer to see me out here?”

Severus opened his eyes as he heard Ginny, thankful for her consideration of his privacy. He smirked, knowing the reason she was so hesitant to burst into his office unannounced.

“Thank you, Miss Weasley. I’ll be out in a moment.” He collected himself, putting away his notes, before going through the door to his classroom. “Thank you for coming, Miss Weasley. I’m hoping that you’ll be able to help me with a rather important matter.”

“Is it about Hermione, sir?” she questioned. “I know she hasn’t been around lately, and seeing how concerned you’ve looked over the past couple days, I had the notion that she’s worse than the school has been trying to convince us. Is that right?” She looked at him, noticing how tired, miserable, and desperate he looked. At that moment, all her reservations about his relationship with her best friend were thrown aside as she saw how much he cared for Hermione. Even if he wouldn’t admit it to himself or anyone else, Ginny knew he must feel something for her, something significant. But it worried her at the same time; she realized that only something terrible would make Snape ask for help, let alone from her, of all people.

“Yes, Miss Weasley. As a result of what shall remain undisclosed events, Miss Granger has fallen remarkably ill, being in a persistent state of unconsciousness for the past four days. I’ve been trying to help her but am hesitant to leave her alone, should she wake up independently. What I need now is time to work on a potion that may aid in her recovery, and I won’t have Hermione wake up alone if I cannot be there with her. Ms. Weasley, what I ask of you is simple: will you sit with her in the event that she wakes? I’m sure that Hermione and I are going to have a great deal to discuss once she revives… if she revives,” he added ominously, “and I’ll need all my strength to answer her questions. I would be most appreciative if you could help me… please.” He choked out the last word and looked over at Ginny, praying that her own affections for her friend would overcome the distain she undoubtedly felt for him.

“Of course I’ll help you, Professor. I’ll stay with her as long as you need my assistance. I’d do anything to help her, and although I wasn’t sure about it before, I believe that you and Hermione deserve a chance to be happy. I can see your sincerity. Should I go with her now?” She began gathering her things, anticipating his answer.

“Yes, but Miss Weasley, I have a few more questions for you. Have you notice any marked change in Miss Granger’s behavior this term?” He had reasoned that if Hermione had been upset enough to be a threat to herself, her best friend surely would have noticed.

“Yes, Professor,” she replied quite sullenly. “There was a remarkable change in Hermione this year. We all noticed it. Even Ron and Harry, who are usually dimwitted when it comes to that sort of thing, noticed. They’ve been worried about her since the first day of classes. She’s been irritable and disinterested. For a while she had stopped eating and talking to anyone. She seemed sad and not like herself.” She looked around nervously, uncomfortable about sharing information about Hermione so openly. She hoped her friend would be alright with her divulgences after she woke.

“And do you have any guesses as to the nature of this divergence from her usual personality?” Severus asked hesitantly, wondering if his own suspicions would be corroborated.

“Well,” Ginny began slowly, hoping that her answer would not offend the disgruntled professor in front of her, “I know that it began with the way you treated her at the beginning of the term. She couldn’t understand why you always seemed to attack her. Harry and Ron had figured that much out and had gotten her to write to Dumbledore. When she went to meet with him about your behavior, you were there, and he informed you both about the independent study. She seemed to be enjoying her work, but she continued to be evasive and moody. Knowing what I know now, I suppose it must have been the stress of your relationship. She didn’t have anyone that she could talk to about it, and it sounds like you weren’t a very accommodating listener. I think that it’s been an ongoing struggle for her; she’s seemed upset for a very long time, now.” As she finished her brief narrative, she looked up at Snape, only to find him staring down at the floor in front of him. He didn’t seem angry to her; in fact, he didn’t seem to be anything at all. His current expression reminded Ginny of the times she had stumbled across Hermione when she was staring into space. It was discomforting for her to see the professor act that way as well.

“Thank you, Miss Weasley,” he suddenly responded. “Your words have been most enlightening. If you will now join Hermione, I will be in my lab if anything should happen or you are in need of anything. Do not hesitate to find me. Until later, Ms. Weasley.” After rubbing his temple one last time, he walked back into the joining room and closed the door, leaving Ginny to sit by Hermione’s side for the rest of the afternoon.

Ginny passed the next several hours in silence, watching Hermione, hoping that she would move. She found it eerily torturous to witness Hermione for so long in such a state and couldn’t even begin to imagine the impact Severus’ four day vigil must have had on him. It moved her to see his concern for her best friend, but at the same time she worried for them. She knew all too well what it was like to have feelings for someone in a time of war, constantly fearing for Harry’s safety herself. Knowing that Snape’s fate was possibly even more intertwined with the dark times overshadowing the wizarding community, Ginny realized that the pair would come upon many difficulties in the near future. No one knew where Snape’s allegiances truly were, and she hoped that Hermione had not misplaced her trust. As she was deeply lost in thought, she heard a faint whimper from across the room. Hermione had finally moved.

Ginny rushed over to the bed, elated and hoping that it hadn’t just been her imagination. She was either hallucinating or Hermione’s head was, in fact, now turned the opposite way on her pillow.

“Hermione,” Ginny whispered, pushing her friend’s hair back from her face, “are you awake? Please, Hermione, look at me.” She sighed in relief as Hermione turned her face back to look at her.

“Ginny… why are you here?” she managed to respond, although her voice was hoarse from lack of use and dehydration.

“Oh, well, isn’t that a nice way to greet me!”

At that, both girls started laughing, which caused Hermione to lapse into a fit of coughing. After Ginny got some water to settle her, Hermione’s voice gained some strength, and she was able to talk again.

“Ginny, it is nice to see you, believe me, but is Severus here? I should like to speak to him.”

Ginny jumped up immediately at her question, practically forgetting the reason she was in the room.

“Oh, yes! Yes, of course. How could I forget? He’ll be thrilled to know you’re okay. He’s been sitting here with you for the past four days, but he asked me to sit with you today so he could work on some really tricky potion to help you. Thank goodness he won’t need it now! He’s been so worried, Hermione. He hasn’t been mean in class at all, and he looks like complete shit. You’re lucky you have someone like that to look out for you. I’ll go get him. I left the glass of water by your bed if you need it. Feel better! I’ll talk to you soon!”

“Thanks, Gin.” Hermione muttered, watching her leave the room.

She lay back again, waiting for Severus to arrive. She appreciated Ginny’s words more than her friend could ever know. The knowledge that Severus had been so concerned sent a thrill through her, but it was nothing compared to the fear she now had of facing him. She knew that he would not accept any rationale for what she had done and was well aware that any discussion of their feelings for each other would quickly become uncomfortable as a result of his unease on the topic. Hopefully, she could use her weakened condition as an escape if things got too intense between them. She closed her eyes and sighed, only to hear her door creak open.

“Severus, is that you?” she called out from the bed.

“Oh, thank God, Hermione,” he responded immediately, sitting on the edge of the mattress beside her. “I was afraid that Miss Weasley was mistaken when she came to retrieve me, but you are alright. How do you feel?” He reached out and took her hand in his, feeling the blood freely flowing through her veins once again. He had scarcely felt so relieved of anything in his life. He was concerned by his overwhelming reaction but was too preoccupied by Hermione’s recovery to analyze his emotions now. Listening to her was far too important.

“I’m really tired, Severus, and I ache, but I expected as much when I woke up this afternoon. Gin was right, you look like shit. How are you feeling, Severus? I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve caused you.” As a pang of guilt stabbed at her, Hermione withdrew her hand quickly from his grasp and turned over on her side, facing away from him. She knew, as a Gryffindor, bravery was expected from her, but she couldn’t bear to see his disappointment; she assumed was an inevitable reality.

“Hermione, I don’t know what to say to you. There are so many things I wish I could tell you, assure you of, but I have no idea how. Clearly, you have a distorted view of your relationship to me, and it has been making you incredibly unhappy. I need you to tell me why you hurt yourself, Hermione. I can’t understand what happened that night; I’m still having trouble even believing it occurred. Do you realize what it would have done to me if I hadn’t found you in time? Did you even think of the people that you would have hurt? Let me know what you need; if it is in my power, you can have it.” He looked down and saw her quivering, noticing that she had started to cry silently. “I know that it is difficult, but you need to talk to me. Please, just try. We can stop whenever you want, but know that I intend on fully sorting this out. I will not watch you in pain for longer than I must. What brought this on?” He grimaced, knowing the implication of his statement. He wouldn’t be present to witness her future pains, but for now he would let those issues go unmentioned.

“I want to try, Severus. I don’t want to feel like this. I’m convinced that you’ll dismiss what I’m feeling as inconsequential because you still don’t know what you want. And I’m not angry at you because of it. I understand how hard all of this is for you. It’s just that I’m feeling things for you that I know you either can’t or won’t return. But what hurts more is that I also know that you do feel something for me, and it’s hurting you. The other night, I suddenly realized that your pain, everyone’s pain, this year has been on my account, and I won’t take it any longer. I’ve become a hindrance. When I cursed myself, I was able to understand what a great sacrifice you’re making for me, for all of us. Your life would be better without me in it, without our complicated relationship adding to your burdens. You, Ron, Harry, Dumbledore… everyone wouldn’t have to worry about me if I were gone. I hadn’t planned on killing myself. It was never my intention. But suddenly, it made sense. I could make life better for the people I love. At that moment, I knew that was all I wanted, and then you stopped me. I wish you had just let me die.”

“STOP!” Severus suddenly shouted, his outburst causing Hermione to gasp. “How could you even think of saying something like that? I can’t believe you don’t realize how much you mean to your friends, your family, and to me. I know that there are times when I must seem distant to you, and if I could tell you everything right now I would, but you know that is not in my power. I’m not one to easily show my feelings, but please, Hermione, believe me when I say that you mean more to me than anything else has scarcely meant before. There was a time not so long ago when I too didn’t care if I made it out of this war alive, but you’ve given me a reason to live. You couldn’t be more wrong if you think your death would make my life better, or any of our lives, for that matter. If you trust in me at all, trust that.” He sat back against the wall beside her, exasperated, not even realizing that she had scooted over towards him and wrapped her arms around his waist.

“You know that I trust you, Severus. I’m sorry to have caused you pain; it seems to happen no matter how hard I try. But I will try harder. But you were gone! I just want us to be happy…well, as happy as we can be for now.”

“Hermione, my being gone should have nothing to do with this. It was foolish for you to assume that I was in danger because I missed a few Potions classes. I know you might want to think that was the reason you were upset, but we both know that it is not. This has been building for some time, hasn’t it? I spoke to Ginny. She told me how unhappy you’ve been. I wish for our happiness as well, especially yours. Hermione, I…” Severus cut himself off, realizing what he had been about to say. It wouldn’t have mattered. He looked down to see that she had laid her head on his chest and fallen asleep. It was to be expected; he knew she would be exhausted after finally waking up weakened, by what she had done to herself. He leant back and listened to her relaxed breathing, feeling his eyes drifting shut as well. Suddenly, there was a knock at the door that woke Hermione and Severus and put them on edge.

“Severus, are you in there?” an annoyingly cheery voice called from outside. “Do you mind if I come in?”

“Shit, it’s finally happened.” Severus cursed under his breath.

“OH MY GOD, IT’S DUMBLEDORE!” gasped Hermione. “What in Merlin’s name are we going to do?”

“I don’t know, Hermione,” responded Severus. “I really don’t know. But there’s no point in lying to the old man now. Look weak, maybe he’ll go easy on us.” He gave her a rare smile as he got up from the bed.

“Perhaps I should have waited another day to wake up.” She managed to chuckle nervously, despite being absolutely terrified of what was to come.

Severus looked back at Hermione again as he went to open the door. “Hermione, no matter what happens, I will never regret the time we have had together.”

“Nor will I, Severus,” she murmured. “Nor will I.”