Jaded

JADED

For Summery, warnings, spoilers and disclaimers see chapter one.

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Chapter Twenty-Six: Here comes your ghost again
(Title from 'Diamonds and rust' by Joan Baez, album 'Diamonds and rust')

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Miserable. It was the only word Hermione could think of to describe Harry these days. Ever since he came back from 1978 Harry was gloomy. No amount of subtle coaxing caused him to say why, though, and Hermione was left to speculate what happened in the seventies that made Harry so forlorn.

At long last she reached the conclusion that it was something to do with his parents and Sirius. After all, what else, save meeting his parents, flesh and blood and not being able to tell them you are their son could bring a person's sprits so low?

Ron, on the other hand, was blissfully ignorant about the whole affair. In a fit of crazy inspiration Dumbledore told the rest of the school that Harry and Draco were sent to a three days long detention to end their childish rivalry once and for all. Ron, like the rest of the school assumed that Harry was simply depressed by having to spend even a whole day with Malfoy and on one else. Needless to say no one bothered to correct his assumption.

As for Harry himself, he was just plain down. It was true he missed his parents, the first impression he got that they were some sort of wonky version of Ron and Hermione proved to be completely wrong. Lily was much livelier and Harry knew for a fact now that his own disregards to rules hadn't come from James as Snape liked to snarl at him, but from Lily. It was also true that he missed Sirius and their animagus lessons, but mostly he missed Remus.

The vortex of feelings inside him was something that Harry wasn't quite used to. On the one hand, he was sad and miserable to leave Remus behind, especially when he finally got to hear the words he so desperately wanted, which in turn made his heart swell and his head swim with goofy giddiness. On the other hand he was scared, dreading the moment he would have to face Remus again. The older, mature Remus, the one that sees him as nothing more than a student.
Sunday bloomed with the brightest blue to be seen all year. All the students could practically taste the end of the year and there was a bubbling excitement all over the castle, even Head Girl Hermione Granger was seeing dipping her feet in the lake during lunch time.

Harry sat curled into himself at the Gryffindor stands, his usual refuge during his stay in the seventies, looking at the rippling water of the distant lake as if in a trans. In less than twenty-four hours he would have to meet his destiny, he would have to endure two hours of DADA, looking at Remus, no- Professor Lupin talking. Harry knew that he would not be able to concentrate, not on the class anyway. He wanted to tell Remus the truth, to have it done with and know once and for all if what they shared would remain buried in the past or not. Oh, sweet Merlin he hoped not.

Hermione crept up the stand, bare footed and holding her shoes in one hand. She's been making tabs on what Harry's been doing since he came back and she knew this was his little escape spot. She looked at her best friend for a while, seeing how Harry stared into space with a blank expression that was just as sad as it was empty. She sighed and cleared her throat. Harry turned his head and looked as Hermione made her way to sit by his side. He didn’t say a word but returned his gaze to the lake. Hermione put her shoes on in silence, drawing time to see if Harry would say something but soon realized she would have to be the one to start,

"So this is where you're hiding these days…" Harry shrugged but refused to acknowledge her presence further, but Hermione wasn't about to give up and she prattled on bravely, "You know, they say that it could really help talking about what's bothering you. I'm not going to try and press you for information; of course, I'm just saying that if you need an ear, I'm always happy to oblige, criticism free. And I promise none of this would travel further, not even to Ron." Harry lowered his head and stared at his hands for a while, while Hermione waited with bated breath to see if Harry would take her up on her offer,

"I miss them." He whispered and Hermione smiled slightly, happy that Harry was finally opening up to her,

"I know." She contemplated putting a comforting hand on his back, but when Harry lifted his head she could see that shine of tears and decided against it, so she just sat and listened, giving Harry all the time he needed to work it for himself,

"Something happened, when I was there, something that probably shouldn’t have happened." Harry continued with that same flat tone, as if he was reciting something rather than feeling it,

"What was it?" Hermione asked gently, and Harry gave a small smile,

"I fell in love." Hermione fought a momentary desire to smack Harry's head, and here she was thinking he did something awful that would prevent things from taking their right course,

"And what's wrong with that?"

"With Remus." Harry answered heavily. Hermione's jaw dropped,

"Remus? As in Professor Lupin, Remus?" Harry nodded gloomily, while Hermione was trying to get her head round the fact, "Wow, I mean… Wow… Professor Wow… just…"

"Want to make those wows an even ten?" Harry asked sarcastically, it wasn’t that he didn’t expect Hermione to react like that, but it was still annoying that she did.

"So what happened?" Hermione took a deep breath and told herself over and over again that she was here for Harry, and therefore shouldn’t take his barbs to heart,

"We were a couple, for six months." Harry answered simply. Gods, it felt so alien to talk about his relationship with Remus in past terms. He only left two days ago, and he was missing Remus like mad. And now it's been twenty years… this was so confusing…

"Blimy."

"Yeah."

"So, when you say you were a couple, you mean you two were… intimate?" Hermione tried to be as diplomatic as she possibly could in her efforts to get down to the root of the problem. Harry on the other hand was rather amused,

"Is that your girly way of asking if we shagged? Then yes, we did, a lot." And it was the most brilliant thing that ever happened to me, he added to himself, not very interested to get down to the dirty details with his best female friend.

"I take you haven’t had the chance to see Professor Lupin yet." Harry shook his head,

"No, and I have no idea what I'm going to do when I do see him."

"Do you still feel the same?"

"Yes."

"Even though he's twenty years your senior?" Hermione asked incredulously, the mere idea of being infatuated with an older man seemed a bit wrong to her. She always imagined herself falling in love and marrying someone her own age or at least no more than five years older than her. What on earth would you have to talk about with a guy who could be your father? Who in fact was your father's best friend?

"Yes. In a way I guess I always loved him." Harry answered sadly, and Hermione waved her hand in dismissal,

"Well, of course you have, as your parents' friend, possibly as a mentor…"

"No, I mean I was attracted to him, way before I went back in time." Harry insisted and Hermione tried to hide a disgusted grimace,

"But Harry… That's…" Harry stared at her and she smiled guiltily, shrugging and embarrassed,

"Didn’t you ever have any fantasies about a teacher?" To Harry it seemed perfectly acceptable that Hermione of all people would have sexual fantasies of their staff, after all the girl could get an orgasm from reading bits of "Hogwarts: A history",

"No!" Harry shrugged, well; to be truly honest it wasn’t the fact that Remus was a teacher that was making him all hot and bothered. "So, what are you going to tell Remus when you see him?"

"Nothing. He probably doesn’t even remember Jaime." Harry's heart gave a painful lurch at the thought of Remus forgetting about him,

"Who's Jaime?" Hermione had meant to ask Harry about the code names he and Draco used when they came through the alcove but the moment never seemed right before.

"Jaime was my alias, it went with my glamour. My mum was the only one who knew the truth about me." If possible talking about Lily was even more painful than talking of Remus, gods he missed him mum so much…

"She did? How did she find out?"

"She was smart. And she saw us before Dumbledore had a chance to put the glamour on us. She thought I was my father." He smiled sadly at the memory, Lily's shocked face turning blank when Dumbledore's memory spell hit her.

"Wasn’t she completely freaked out?"

"She thought it was some sort of cosmic joke. I'm glad I got to know her, no one ever told me anything about my mum, sometimes I felt like I was born out of thin air because no one would tell me stories of her. But she was something else, she was brilliant. Even Draco took a fancy to her." Hermione burst out laughing, and even Harry cracked a smile,

"Poor Malfoy, he probably didn't know what hit him."

"You should have seen his face when he told me he's 'attracted to her intellect'." The laughter grew louder and soon Harry couldn’t resist. It felt good to laugh, to talk to Hermione. Although she didn’t offer any practical solution to his little problem she didn’t judge him either, just as she promised and Harry felt better despite himself.
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Harry walked into the DADA class that Monday feeling like he was about to burst with the conflicting emotions that were rising in him. So far he managed to avoid seeing Remus; mostly because he skipped all meals in the Great Hall during the weekend and today it was Remus who seemed to be skipping meals.

Hermione watched Harry with trepidation, not sure what would be his reaction to Professor Lupin. It still seemed strange to her to think of Harry as in love with an older professor, even if she knew that technically when they were together Professor Lupin wasn’t older or indeed a professor. She silently guided Harry to the back of the class; gesturing Ron to take the seat on Harry's other side.

Remus walked into the classroom, feeling tired and agitated. Today was definitely not his day! It started bad when he stubbed his toe on the foot of the bed first thing in the morning and then there was the stupid Bogart that had escaped the wardrobe during his third year lesson and he had to endure nearly an hour of Filch's ranting about having to track down wayward Bogarts all over the castle. And now yet another tedious class… Well, at least it was the last one of the day and Remus fully intended to go back to his rooms afterwards and relax with a large whiskey and one of favourite records. He was so glad a simple muggle gramophone managed to work in the electricity-challenged castle that he usually spent most of his vacations and extra money hunting down old records.

As soon as Remus entered the classroom he felt something was wrong. It was like a prickly feeling in the back of his neck, as if the little hairs there were standing on end. Remus turned around to scan the class, just to make sure all was in order and the first thing his eyes encountered were the green orbs of Harry. Remus blinked and tried to place the uneasiness he felt. He knew that Harry had been in a special detention during the weekend, something he personally thought was a real daft idea of Dumbledore's but that fact alone shouldn’t unsettle him so. He shook his head to get rid of the feeling and faced the class.

The second Remus walked into the class Harry felt his heart rate increase. He didn’t want to look at Remus, he didn’t want to remember but he couldn’t take his eyes off of him. And then, horror of horrors, Remus looked at him and Harry felt like all the air in the room was sucked out and he couldn’t draw even the shallowest breath. As soon as those smouldering eyes left him, he sank back in his seat, feeling exhausted. He slid down in his seat, as low as he could and did his best to tune out Remus' voice, burying his head in his arms.

Draco watched the scene from the other side of the room, taking it all in, from Professor Lupin's uneasiness to Harry's reaction to him. What he really wanted to do was put Lupin under a full body bind and then give Harry veritaserum so that all the secrets were finally out and over with. From the time he spent with Harry in the seventies he knew that it wouldn’t take too long before Harry's honest nature prevailed and he would approach their professor, but at the same time Draco knew that Harry would torment himself to the point of insanity just the same.

The lesson seemed to be going on and on forever, and Harry felt like standing up and just yelling out as loud as he could. But instead he stayed frozen in his balled up position, not daring to look at Remus and not daring to look at Draco. He wanted Remus to stop talking but at the same time he wanted to hear more and more of that voice, he wanted to run away from the classroom but then he really didn’t want to be away from Remus. He was going insane, yes, that was it- he was going completely and utterly bonkers and it was all Remus' doing.

"Class dismissed." Remus called with an enormous sense of relief, when the time was finally right. He looked up again at the last row, where Hermione was trying to coax Harry into getting up from what looked like a slumber. Remus felt a little pang of disappointment, sure students falling in his class was not a new thing, but he always thought that Harry liked his class… Shutting his bag with a snap Remus walked down the aisle between the desks, heading towards the last row.

"Mr. Potter, can I have a word?" Harry gulped and sent frantic and pleading looks at Hermione,

"Sir, you have to forgive Harry, he's been a little out of sorts since he came back from his… detention." Hermione tried to plead, and Remus smiled kindly at her, waving his hand,

"Don’t worry Miss Granger, I don't intend to rebuke Harry, I simply wish to know how he's doing."

"Oh, well, that's alright then." Hermione said desperately, out of ideas of how to stall for time.

"I promise I'll have him back by tea." Remus said with a smile and Hermione returned it before she and Ron side stepped the professor. Harry looked after his friends with avid eyes, not sure what he wanted more- them leaving or staying. Hermione turned and mouthed 'Tell him' behind Remus' back, gesturing towards him with a dramatic eye roll. Harry nodded feebly and lowered his head again. When the classroom door closed behind Hermione's back Harry looked around and realized that they were all alone.

"How about a nice cup of tea in my rooms?" Harry nodded again, mostly because he couldn’t think of a proper excuse to refuse and knowing that deep down he didn’t want to refuse. He followed behind Remus, and they entered the private rooms of the DADA professor. Although Harry was inside this room many times and under several professors, this time he felt a little uneasy going inside Remus' sanctuary. Harry perched himself carefully on the edge of the sofa and wondered how the hell he would approach the subject of telling Remus who he really was.
Remus walked over to his little 'Tea corner' tapping the cattle which started steaming and busied himself, mechanically placing tea bags inside mugs. The uneasy feeling he had before had returned, stronger by a tenfold, and Remus opened his senses, trying to pinpoint where it came from. Smell, it was some sort of scent that was driving him insane, something he knew was familiar, something he'd known well before but right now eluded his memory. He brought the tea mugs over and above the familiar earl grey steams he could feel the scent getting stronger as he approached his student. Remus blinked and tilted his head to the side, looking at Harry suspiciously. Harry wrapped his hands around his tea mug and tried to feign casualness even though his heart was racing and his whole body was fidgeting under the scrutiny of Remus.

"Is everything alright, Re… Sir?" He asked, cheeks reddening at his little slip of tongue,

"There's something… I know it, I just can't remember…" Remus mumbled, knowing that if he'd just stop thinking about this altogether the answer would come in a bang but the scent was now all around him and he couldn't possibly think of anything else, "And it's coming from you… You smell…" He trailed and Harry bristled a little,

"I took a shower this morning!" He said with a pout and Remus caught himself and smiled,

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean that you smell bad," Far from it, you smell delicious, like innocence and lust, Remus thought fondly and then caught himself for the inappropriate thoughts, "Your scent, it reminds me… I can't quite put my finger on it, you smell like…"

"Jaime?" Remus' head snapped up, eyes wide and jaw slack, from all the things Harry could have said in an answer to this, 'Jaime' was the last one he expected to hear,

"What did you just say?"

"I do, don't I?" Yes, Remus had to admit that the scent was Jaime's and the knowledge suddenly brought on an influx of mixed emotions and memories. He sat heavily on the sofa opposite Harry, completely flabbergasted, and buried his head in his hands, letting the initial shock pass, and make room for the questions,

"How do you know about Jaime? Did Sirius tell you about him?" It didn’t seem very likely but that was the only explanation Remus' shocked brain could come up with,

"No. I know because I am Jaime." Harry said quietly, knowing all too well that this was the easy bit and now the hard work would start.

"What?"

"I am Jaime." He repeated patiently, biting his lip to keep the little smile from escaping, Remus was so darn cute when baffled. Remus rose from his seat and started to pace in front of the sofa,

"Is this some kind of sick joke that you and your friends decided to play on my expanse? Because it's not funny!" Harry gaped at him,

"It's not a joke!" He cried desperately, "I smell like Jaime because I am Jaime!"

"But how is this possible?" Remus rubbed his face; this was so wrong- after all this time…

"Draco and I fell through a time alcove and ended up in 1977." Harry said flatly, feeling like a complete idiot, "Please Remus, you've got to believe me…" Remus snorted in disbelief, and Harry stood up and tried to take a step forward but was stopped by Remus' warning hand, "I used to bring you bacon sandwiches to the infirmary after the full moon," He pleaded, "I'm the one who gave you that pendant for your 18 birthday." Remus' hand flew to the pendent on his neck, the one he hadn’t taken off since he got it. His fingers found the warm wood, caressing it softly as he did every time things got a little too much for him. But he still looked at Harry with a non-believing stare and the youth was starting to get desperate, "I… I wa… Look!" He said firmly and closed his eyes, concentrating hard. When he heard the shocked gasp beside him he knew he pulled it off. Remus sank to his knees slowly, his hand covering his mouth. In front of him was a sight he thought he'd never live to see again,

"Oh, good gods," He whispered and the dark wolf trotted to him, a little hesitant, and Remus brought up a shaking hand to burry in the soft fur, "Oh, Merlin… Seff…" Everything inside Harry was singing with joy, Remus recognised Seff, Remus remembered him. "I don't believe this," Remus shook his head, his hands running back and forth on the back of the wolf, not sure whether he should laugh or cry or just scream. "Well, I guess that would explain why you have green eyes…" He chuckled softly and Harry gave him a canine grin before transforming back to himself.

"Do you believe me now?" He asked softly, wanting to take Remus in his arms but not daring to disturb the delicate acceptance that was formed between them. Remus looked at Harry, Harry who had all the body language and nuances of Jaime but didn’t look like him and turned his head away, crossing his arms over his chest,

"It doesn’t matter whether I believe you or not."

"Why?" Harry asked desperately, trying to reach for Remus' face but the latter flinched from the touch and got off the floor, leaving Harry to sit there and look up at him with doe eyes, "I said I'd come back for you."

"That was twenty bloody years ago!" Remus snapped and Harry lowered his head, rebuked, and Remus sighed, yelling at Harry was like kicking a puppy… "What do you want from me, Harry?" He asked in a tired voice,

"I still love you." Harry whispered, head lowered and eyes cast down,

"You don't know anything about me!" Remus argued, this was so frustrating, Harry was thinking like a teenager, and Remus was long past that stage, and he felt so old all of a sudden,

"I know you love me…"

"You don't know anything!" Remus snarled and immediately regretted his harsh tone, because Harry looked even more dejected than before, his whole frame seemed to have shrank,

"I know you still wear my pendant."

"This?" Remus fingered the wood again, he probably should have torn the thing from his neck and toss it on Harry to prove his point but no force in the world would make him part with it, "This proves nothing. Jaime is dead to me." Harry's whole body started shaking with pain that was tearing through him,

"How can you say that? I'm right here!" He cried,

"You left!"

"I had to!"

"You left without a proper explanation; you disappeared off the face of the earth!" What did Harry expect of him? To fall into his arms and say that they would live happily ever after?

"I had to go back, I had no choice!" Why was Remus being so difficult? Why couldn’t he see that Harry had no choice in the matter?

"You lied to me Jaime, you knew from day one that you were going to leave," Harry nearly smiled at that, he wondered briefly if Remus still remembered their night in the prefect bathroom and that's why he chose this phrasing, "I hated you for so long…"

"I'm sorry." Remus shrugged, turning his back and staring stubbornly at the wall,

"Yeah, well, it doesn’t matter, it's too late now." Harry pulled himself off the floor, standing up with his fists clenched,

"No, it isn’t! We still love each other and we can make it work!" Remus let out a bark of bitter laughter,

"Make it work? How exactly are we going to make it work? Do you even know what happened to me in those twenty years? To you it seems like it have been days, but it's been years Harry, twenty long years… I'm too old for you."

"You're thirty-seven, you're not old." Remus let out a startled laugh, it was sad that Harry was semi-quoting something he didn't even know…

"You don’t even know what I've done," Remus said quietly, knowing that Harry would not want anything to do with him when he'll learn just how Remus spend the past twenty years,

"Tell me."
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A/N: Dragon asked me how come Remus couldn’t smell Harry for Jaime, being a werewolf and all, and you know what- it makes so much sense (which is probably why I completely missed it…), so this chapter is dedicated to her. It was better than my original version that included very dodgy humour on Remus' part.

Remus is thirty-eight, I know, but I can never resist Monty Python…
"I'm thirty seven, I'm not old, and I'm not a woman, my name is Denis…" Come on, haven’t you ever seen 'The holy grail'? Funniest movie I've ever seen.