What Shakes The Elephant

What Shakes The Elephant

Chapter 26 – Why The Fuck Is This Day Taking So Long?

Within moments of the words, Harry felt every other emotion leave him and nothing was left but guilt. Nothing but the culpability for the knowledge and acceptance that he no longer loved his wife but felt affections for someone else instead. Worse than this, he feared rejection. He feared misunderstanding. He feared more than Harry Potter had ever feared anything before in his life.

Which was, honestly, saying something.

His emerald eyes bore into Draco’s silver ones. He felt as though he had just borne his soul to the blond man before him and offered himself up as a sacrifice. It was dramatic and unrealistic, considering he had admitted to little more than infatuation, but to Harry it was huge. He was not disloyal. He was not a traitor. He did not betray people like that, but he felt as though he had. He felt as though he had been doing it for months towards the end of Ginny’s life and yet… he did not regret it.

He felt worse for that and wanted sorely to ignore those feelings, undo the last few moments of his life, take back the words he had said and pretend that it had never happened but that was not possible. As Harry stared into Draco’s eyes and silence overwhelmed them in an uncomfortable manner, Harry worried.

He could not read Draco. He could not begin to fathom what might be happening behind those steely eyes and that calm façade. He could not hope to think that Draco felt the same way and that he would simply accept Harry. Worse, he did not know if he wanted Draco to feel the same way.

What had he confessed? What did he expect was supposed to happen now? Was he supposed to forget about his children and family, forget about his wife and run off with Draco instead? Was he supposed to simply accept that he was attracted (though he could not explain it) to this man?

It was a stupid idea. He regretted saying it now. Draco would probably hate him. Or scorn him. Or abandon him. He probably wanted nothing to do with Harry. Why should he? Their relationship was already volatile, disregarding the most recent admission. There was no reason for Draco to give anything more to it.

--Oh it can hurt, Potter, and I promise you it will.—

Those had been Draco’s words that day at Platform Nine and Three Quarters. That had been the fateful proclamation the blond had made to Harry. He had not listened but he supposed it was right. He supposed Draco knew too well what would come of their becoming closer.

Or perhaps he knew nothing at all and was simply trying to intimidate Harry.

The longer Harry was given to think with no words and no actions on Draco’s part, the worse he felt. His heart was beating hard against his chest and he was sure that it could be heard throughout the entire house. He was sure that Draco knew the exact beat of it and that he was counting them as they went, like seconds on a clock.

Draco’s eyes shifted from the concerned sympathy to something completely different. Harry dared not think on what it could be, for fear of letting his terrible hopes get the best of him. He thought he saw a fleeting glimmer of happiness in Draco’s eyes but he could not be sure. He didn’t want to be sure.

He didn’t want to know. This could not all be real.

He was living a nightmare that simply would not end. It was all happening outside of himself and he could control nothing of his own actions.

Draco was about to open his mouth to say something, he looked as though he wanted to let something off his chest but as soon as he did, someone came in.

“Harry,” Ron’s voice came from the hall as he walked in. He stopped dead upon seeing Draco standing there in the kitchen with him. The red-head’s face became stony and cold. He gave Draco a harsh and calculating look before turning his attention back to Harry. “I know you probably want to be alone right now,” he said, emphasizing the words as though suggesting to Draco that he leave. Draco stood still and looked rather bored at Ron. “But James is sitting out in the cold and won’t listen to anyone. I think he wants you…”

Harry sighed to himself and nodded to Ron. He had hardly gotten to speak with his sons when they got back from Hogwarts for the holidays. The first he saw of them was upon leaving the hospital room with Ginny’s lifeless body.

Ron nodded and gave Draco one more dark look before leaving the room. Harry slowly got to his feet and stepped towards Draco, hesitating to hold out his hand and take Draco’s arm. He looked away for a moment before chancing a glance back into those silver eyes.

“Thank you,” he said softly, his tone laden with pain. “For coming… and everything.”

Harry left Draco standing there and as he did he thought he heard a soft whisper.

“Anything for you,” the words came from under Draco’s breath but Harry could not be sure and, once again, he did not want to be sure. It was too real and too different and too fast. There was too much to feel and not enough of Harry to cope with it. He couldn’t betray Ginny like that but he knew he already had and that idea corroded his insides more and more each second.

He lowered his head and paused in his front door, holding himself up on the doorframe and wishing that, for once, he could just let himself collapse and be taken care of. He wished that he did not refuse to allow people to care for him and forcefully took the lead for everything. He wished that he could lay back and let things happen instead of always having to be the one to shape them.

He took a deep breath and stepped out into the cold. The wind had picked up and was blowing unpleasant amounts of snow around. The thick flakes hit the outer boundary of the dome and melted on impact, but the air outside of that little oasis was bitter and chilled Harry down to the bone. He looked out and saw his eldest son, sitting in a ball under one of the larger trees on their yard. He was looking off into the distance, his back to the casket and the people who came to pay their respects. His face was ashen and set in a frown.

Harry approached his son and cast a silent warming spell around the both of them. He sat next to his son on the ground and stayed silent for a few moments. He followed James’ eyes. His son was looking up at the broom shed that sat off to the side of the house. Ginny had insisted (not to Harry’s complaint) that each of her children was going to learn to fly. She had almost wanted to teach them before they could walk.

Harry remembered summers where Ginny would take James out flying, just the two of them when Al and Lily were still too young to go far. Harry came home after work to stay with the kids and allow Ginny time to get away and fly again. Harry knew that James had both loved to spend that time away, flying alone with his mother and yet resented the fact that he could never get time away with just his father.

“Why did he have to come?” James finally asked with disdain. “No one asked him to. He doesn’t belong here.”

Harry’s breath caught. He knew to whom his son was referring but played dumb to let James get it off his chest.

“Who?” he asked softly, trying to sound comforting without letting his voice break.

“Malfoy,” he spat. Harry heaved a silent sigh and turned to his son, hoping that he could find the source of this now.

“Scorpius, you mean,” Harry said. James nodded without looking at him. “James, Scorpius is Al’s friend. He came to support him and help him feel better. We’re all hurting now for mum. Scorpius wanted to do what he can to help his friend. Surely that’s not a bad thing, is it?”

James furrowed his brows and shook his head darkly.

“Al doesn’t need him,” he shot angrily. “I can take care of him. I should be taking care of him. He’s MY younger brother, not Scorpius’.”

Harry tilted his head and bit his lip, thinking on his son’s words. He turned to James and considered him.

“James,” he began softly. “Why do you hate Scorpius so much?”

The boy did not look up but his lip quivered momentarily as he stared resolutely away from his father. He blinked away tears a few time and frowned more deeply.

“Because he’s a selfish git,” he snapped. “He came and brainwashed Al into thinking it was ok to be in Slytherin and everything. Al doesn’t care about what I say now. I try to tell him things. I try to protect him but I can’t. He doesn’t listen to me! He just listens to Scorpius and everything Scorpius has to say! The little git talks back to me and tries to tell me how to treat my own brother! MY brother! It’s like he’s trying to be more important Al’s life than I am and that’s not right! I should be the one he looks up to! I should be the one taking care of him. How am I supposed to do that when he’s not in my house?? How can I do that when he’s in Slytherin and consorting with all these stupid gits. I can’t help him. I can’t protect him from people who will take advantage of him if he’s in Slytherin.”

Harry let James finish his rant and, suddenly, everything seemed clearer. It made more sense now. It hadn’t made any sense to him that James would be so cruel towards his own brother. But he wasn’t trying to be cruel. He was hurt and he was scared for Al. He just did not know how to show it.

“James,” Harry tried to soothe his son. “I know you meant well, but Al would never try to replace you.” James looked up at him with glassy eyes. “I’m the one who told Al it was ok to be in Slytherin. He has friends there and he wanted to be accepted, but he’s no different from the same Al that you’ve always known. Scorpius is a good friend, too. He just wants Al to be happy.” Harry didn’t know how to explain in all simply. “I know you just want to look out for him, but the best thing you can do is support him and be happy that he has other friends who want to help him like you do.”

James’ face shifted and he looked away, seeming rather shameful and embarrassed. He stared at the ground and fought against the tears that wanted to stream down his face. He bit his lip and sniffed softly a few times. Harry wrapped an arm around his son and pulled him closer.

“But Malfoys are supposed to be bad,” James continued, still confused. “Hugo told me that Uncle Ron said they’re all bad and can’t be trusted. Why would he lie??”

Then Harry was filled with a rush of anger and frustration for his best friend. He held his son tighter and tried to calm his breathing before speaking. How could Ron be so blatantly prejudice that way?

He didn’t know why he was asking that question; he knew Ron to be this way from the beginning of their friendship. He had simply chosen to ignore it or accept it.

But things were different now and people change. Draco and Scorpius both deserved better than that continuing prejudice that caused useless feuds. They were better people than Harry had ever considered.

“Uncle Ron doesn’t know the Malfoys very well,” he explained softly to his son. “He’s just saying what he knows but trust me, James,” Harry looked directly into his son’s hazel eyes –Ginny’s eyes –to tell him this. “You shouldn’t judge people so quickly. That kind of thought process causes lots of problems and puts you at odds with people. Don’t look for enemies, James. They will come on their own. Look for friends wherever you can find them. It helps a lot, especially in times like these.”

James’ eyes finally gave in and let the tears roll freely down his face. He shook his head softly.

“But mum didn’t like Malfoy either,” he said softly. “She wouldn’t want us to be friends with them, would she?”

Harry bit back his hurt and his guilt. He needed to be strong for his son now. He needed to be strong.

“Mum would want you and your brother to reconcile,” he replied as gently as possible. “She would want you to be happy for him in having found such a good friend.”

James opened his mouth to speak again but thought better of it and nodded softly. Harry got them both to their feet and led him back inside the house. James nodded to him and went off to find Hugo to play with for a while. Most of the guests were gone now, but Ron and Hermione stood in the entrance for him.

He nodded to them and walked past them into the kitchen. There, on the table, was a small letter with elegant green lettering on the front, addressed to him. He picked it up, curiously, and flipped it to the back. The seal was simple and wax with no marking. He frowned softly.

“Harry,” Hermione’s voice came soft and calm. “Ron and I were thinking,” she began, unsure. Harry turned back to them both, still holding the letter but out of their view. “You’ve had it really rough these past few weeks. If you’d like, we could take the kids for a few days so that you can get back on your feet. We’ll spend Christmas at our house.”

Harry sighed and part of him wanted desperately to accept the offer but he couldn’t. He knew better than to give in to that selfish wish. He shook his head sadly, trying to ignore the anger that stirred inside him because of Ron’s words to his son.

“Thanks, you guys,” he said softly. “But I need to spend this time with my children. We need to be together. But Christmas at your place sounds lovely.”

Ron and Hermione looked at one another before nodding gently to him.

“Alright, mate,” Ron told him. “Whatever you think is best.”

He nodded to them in thanks and sat down at the table. The two of them backed out of the kitchen slowly to give him time alone. They went to tend to the rest of the guests and Harry opened the letter in front of him.

--Dear Harry,

I’m sorry our talk was cut short. I know this isn’t the best time to talk any kind of business with you, but when you are ready, come see me. I think I may have found some answers.

Yours truly,
-Draco –

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A/N: DAH Draco? X_X So many crazy things happening. I hope the explanation for James was suitable. In my mind he’s very much like James Potter (the first) and so does not know how to adequately convey his emotions. I don’t think James knew how to go about things with Lily either, at least not until seventh year. He was not very smooth haha. I also, however, think his actions are misguided ways of trying to deal with the idea that Al won’t need only him anymore.. that he’ll turn to others for help.

Yeah. I hope it makes sense anyway. And yeah. Gah. Angstages and crazies. Harry is insane. I hope you enjoyed it!

More to come tomorrow (hopefully) or else Tuesday (just because I’m falling behind but Ill do my best!!)

Love to all of you!