Memoirs of a Serpent's Son

[AUTHOR'S NOTE: WARNING: THERE IS AN ADDED SCENE IN THIS THAT MIGHT NOT AGREE WITH SOME OF YOU. I APOLOGIZE AHEAD OF TIME IF YOU THINK IT'S MAD OR TERRIBLE (or any variation thereof) BUT I AM WARNING YOU. *love to all*]


Memoirs of a Serpent’s Son

--Age 16—part 5

Quidditch –Gryffindor vs. Hufflepuff

Another Quidditch match come and gone and I was not there to see it. At this point in time, I can’t even say that I regret missing them… it would just be too hard to go to them. I can’t stand to see Potter soaring triumphantly through the air on his Firebolt with the Golden Snitch clasped tightly in his hand… like some mystical king-in-waiting, pleasing the crowd with his heroic feats.

It’s almost sickening when I think about how much I love seeing that…

So it’s just best to stay as far away as possible, even if it means torturing myself with the stress and fear that my bloody task is inflicting on me. Tormenting myself with the madness that this whole thing brings…

I got ready just before the match and fed Crabbe and Goyle (quite forcibly) some more Polyjuice Potion to turn them into two girls so that they could keep lookout for me while I was in the Room. That and I suppose they would be useful if I needed to test the Cabinet…not that that is very likely because, oh yes, the DAMN THING JUST WON’T BE FIXED.

Then, of course, the inevitable happens and I just HAVE to run into Potter as I’m making my way to the Room with the two (now female) idiots in tow. I think he was surprised at me…

For the briefest moment, he gave me a look of confusion as he studied my appearance. I’m not reading very much into that look because I KNOW that I do not look good. I know it. I’m fully aware; there is no need to remind me, thanks.

But he almost, ALMOST looked concerned for a moment.

Which is new…and kind of nice…

Not that it’s likely. I think I’ve lost my mind somewhere in the past several months so I could have completely imagined it.

I tried to be my usual self and insult him but I don’t think it worked…

Told him that he better get going because they were likely waiting for their Chosen Captain or Boy-Who-Scored… or something like that. It’s really impossible to keep up with all the pseudonyms they’re assigning him nowadays…

I really think I’ve lost some of my zeal and skill… for insulting I mean. It honestly was only half-hearted and didn’t even make him frown. Nothing. He just accepted it and kept staring at me as I walked off.

Funny, maybe I should have tried being less insulting before…

No, no that can’t be it.

Anyway, for all the time I spend in that stupid Room you’d think I’d have made some kind of progress by now, but no. All I’ve managed to do is get very intimate with the broken Cabinet, though I think it wants to see other people.

I do too, personally.

*******

I think Potter has taken a liking to me. No, really. Funny thing, he spends ALL his bloody time following me around the school and complaining to whatever teachers he can get to that I simply MUST be up to something.

Yes, I know about that.

Snape is ever-so-quick to jump to the conclusion that I am just NOT doing an adequate job and really just BEGGING Potter to have me found out and killed.

Yes, Severus, that has been my plan ALL ALONG. Get myself killed by Potter and his friends JUST to SPITE old You-Know-Who. Aren’t I clever?

You’d think that for a man who claims to be so good at Legilimency that he’d be able to figure out a better theory. Though that is saying something for my abilities with Occlumency if I can keep Snape out of my head.

He did seem surprised, the other day, when he found out that I can close my mind. Thought it was to hide things from the Dark Lord. No, you stupid git, I’m not that arrogant.

It’s so I can keep EVERYONE ELSE out.

Especially now that Potter is following me everywhere. It spikes up this…terribly inopportune kind of hope in me…

Hope that maybe… he might… not hate me…

Maybe… I mean…can you really be bothered to stalk someone that you hate?...to THIS extent?

…or maybe it’s just his way of adding to my torment…

He was never very good with timing, I think.

*********

My mother and Bellatrix (under a false name) have been sending me more and more urgent messages to get my act together and finish my task. Aunt Bella said that Mother was called to the Dark Lord and was tortured because of how slow I seem to be…

I’m shaking now. I’m just so scared… I’ve never been so afraid of anything before! I’ve never had anything like this to fear!

He just TORTURED HER because I was going too slowly!! He….I just can’t do this…

Why couldn’t I just plan to orchestrate something more simple? Why couldn’t I just plan to kill Dumbledore in his sleep or something??

No, Draco Malfoy has to do things the HARD way.

I’m just so hopeless… I was standing in the Room of Requirement, fighting with the stupid Cabinet today when I finally kicked the thing and fell back into a pile of books… I couldn’t do anything else. I threw my wand aside and held my head in my hands for a while….just shaking…just sobbing tearlessly.

I found myself thinking about what the Room was like when Potter used it for his Dart Arts defense club… Thinking of how he used it for just the opposite reason that I was…how I couldn’t stand to look at the Room the way it was while I was in there, but found myself wishing that I could get it to change for me… that I could be part of “Dumbledore’s Army” instead of what I am…

What am I, anyway??

The more time goes by, the more confused I get… what am I supposed to be doing? What is in store for me after all this? Assuming I actually fix the stupid Cabinet and I’m not dead (which is a pretty damn big assumption), what is to become of me?

I just don’t know… I never wanted this. I never wanted to be like this…

There’s no time anymore. No time at all…

*******

I befriended a ghost today. I was in the bathroom, alone, during class…and then this GIRL just popped out of the toilet and shocked the wind right out of me. I suppose I’m a bit edgy, mind…

Anyway, I had been sitting against the wall, trying desperately not to cry and looking rather terrible when she showed up. Said her name was Moaning Myrtle… She asked me what was wrong.

I don’t just give away my feelings to anyone. Not ever, but…there was something calming about her.

I didn’t answer right away but she talked to me for a bit. She told me about herself and why they call her “Moaning Myrtle”. She told me that she hardly talks to anyone because they make fun of her but that she has talked to Potter before. She claimed that he used to spend a lot of time in the girl’s toilet she inhabits because they were brewing a potion of sorts. In second year, she said. I suppose that is how they were brewing polyjuice potion without anyone knowing…

I don’t know why, but somehow being with her, someone I knew had nothing to gain by betraying me or my secrets to anyone, someone who never betrayed Potter’s secrets except to me, calmed me.

I don’t know what possessed me to do it, but I… I told her things. I let many of my fears and feelings out to her and she listened and talked with me… she was so calm and comfortable with the whole thing… I can’t even imagine now why they would call her Moaning Myrtle…

I told her of my father and being locked away. I told her about my task and what I have to do (though not specifically who I have to kill) and how worried I am… I told her that I don’t think I can do it and I told her about the consequences.

More than anything else, I told her that I was falling apart inside… I told her that I can’t be who I used to be, that I’m breaking into pieces and crumbling under the weight of everything…I told her I don’t sleep for fear of vocal dreams about …

Well, I told her that too… I actually said it…

I told her that I think I may have some very strong feelings for someone who would never feel the same way. I told her that this person doesn’t even know I exist unless it’s to point out my shortcomings or tag some kind of terrible mischief on me. I told her that no matter how much I want to hate this person, even after all the things they have done and how little they’ve cared while I suffer, that I just can’t…

I just can’t STOP feeling this way!!

And then she asked me who this person could possibly be…and …

I told her that too…

She seemed rather shocked at first and I actually started crying…. I hadn’t realized it but tears were falling down my face from the moment I started talking about how I feel…As though it was just the trigger to open the floodgates…

I couldn’t hold back anymore and I told her and she actually accepted it.

She didn’t chastise me or insult me or laugh at me…She tried to comfort me and told me that she understood perfectly the incredible burden that leaves on someone… she told me…

She said I had courage.

The ghost was the ONLY person who has EVER told me that. Everyone seems to think I’m spineless and a coward… EVERYONE. My own mother was surprised that I was going to attempt to go through with my task and she doesn’t even believe I can do it! My father would likely laugh at the whole idea and simply proclaim himself dead on the spot… no matter how much my father has trained me for the day something like this would occur, I believe that all along he thought it was a waste of time.

He doesn’t believe in me and no one really ever has…

Except this sad little dead girl…

And…and she’s a mudblood.

********

The little renewal of my determination that Myrtle served me with has long since worn off. Today was unpleasant, to say the least.

I had Potions today with Potter and this Hufflepuff kid…MacMillan I think… Just the three of us.

Why? Oh because everyone else in the world is born before April or whatever and so only Potter and I have late birthdays (at least in Potions). Oh and the Hufflepuff, but what does he matter?

So Slughorn suggested some “fun”. A “game”.

Sounds so promising doesn’t it?

He suggested we pick whatever potion we wanted to concoct and do it. Yes, just like that. There was really nothing in it for anyone except of course endless praise from the fame-sucking leech.

So I off-handedly chose a Hiccoughing Solution to brew and got to work. It was the worst Potions class next to the one where Slughorn admitted that Potter had proclaimed the mudblood to be the best student in the class.

I couldn’t concentrate… I really think that the lack of sleep has seriously gotten to me. My eyes were heavy and dark. My skin is sallow and my hair isn’t even sleek and soft anymore. It’s as though my whole body has given up on me and begun to shut down.

I miscalculated a few of the ingredients and so my solution was off-colour by a shade or two and was likely a little bit thicker than it should have been. By the time Slughorn came around to check he gave it the most hideous look before muttering something about it being “passable” and moving on to his star pupil: Saint Potter.

He went on for what felt like hours about how his potion for Euphoria (I can’t even remember the name of it, that’s how slow my brain has gotten) and showered him in endless praises. I honestly thought he was about to stoop to the ground and begin kissing Potter’s feet.

If I hadn’t been so exhausted I might have made a comment about it… but I don’t even have that…

All I have now is the looming fear that I will not succeed at my task and my body (along with those of my parents) will be tossed into the damn broken Vanishing Cabinet and be lost in limbo forever.

That’s what I have. That and the constant rabble of the Slytherins, trying desperately to figure out what my “mission” might be and when it will come to pass. The rumours in my house that You-Know-Who has assigned me a very secret task to accomplish have spread like wildfire over the term and suddenly everyone is eying me strangely. They all want a piece of me, it seems… or perhaps none of them trust me…

Not that I trust them past their nose, so really, does it matter?

I think there might be an ongoing wager as to when I’m going to simply fall down dead, as well. That’s how bad I look most of the time. Pansy has offered a few times to help me out…in a friendly way…but I just can’t accept that. I cannot accept anything.

Too many risks, too much pressure… I need to do this alone. No one can help me because no one understands… I’m beyond help and I’m beyond the point of no return…

There is nothing else for me but this now…

********

Invisible Ink –Part One

This is the end of the line. This is it. That was….the… my life CANNOT POSSIBLY GET ANY WORSE FROM THIS POINT ON.

….I….. Oh god…

I took the sleeping potion that Madam Pomfrey gave me last night… I decided that I would get a very good night’s sleep and then hopefully be renewed enough to accomplish something on the Cabinet… after all, my mind is useless when it’s not at full-potential.

I wasn’t too worried… I supposed that if I took the potion, it would throw me into a sleep so deep that I wouldn’t dream at all… that I would just be sleeping…

I have never been more wrong or more stupid in my entire life.

I took the potion and got into bed and fell immediately to sleep… I don’t even remember hitting the pillow.

And I was thrown into the most vivid dream I have ever had.

Potter was running from me… he was running but he had this coy smirk on his face that urged me to keep running faster and faster after him. I finally caught him and threw him up against the wall. We were down in the dungeons somewhere, but it was no place that I’ve actually seen in Hogwarts… it was a real dungeon…with shackles and everything.

I pushed hard against him and forced him to kiss me. He tried to push me away but I knew he was only playing. He kept flashing me his smile and his eyes called me forwards. I bit him hard on the neck, leaving a bright red outline of my teeth and he screamed as I did.

“No, don’t!” he cried, but rolled his eyes as he did so. He was playing a game and I couldn’t figure it out but the look of him as he pretended to get away was… addictive.

I smiled and kissed him more, making my way down his neck to his chest (we were suddenly naked, though I’ve no idea how). He pushed me away when he could and stood defiantly before me but I flicked my wand and suddenly he was bound against the wall, with a kind of mock surprise playing on his lips.

I started… teasing him… I suppose…

I bit his…nipples…hard. I let my hands explore all of his body as he was chained and exposed in front of me. He moaned into my actions and I felt my excitement spike. I wanted him to touch me too but I knew (somehow) that that would ruin the game.

“Don’t ruin the fun,” I whispered to him as he called out wantonly. He arched his body into me and I shook my head, biting hard on his neck again.

He stopped and I flicked my wand again to arrange his position properly so that he was on his knees, with his back to me.

I… I just pressed into him.. right then and there, none of the liquid or preparation that there was in the other dream and now I know why they were there…

It HURT. Though the pain was awkward…not where it should have been.

I pushed in and we both screamed out, through the pain and the discomfort at first, but I didn’t stop. He called out my name and I pushed harder and moved faster, holding onto his hips as he leaned his head down against the cold stone ground.

“Ahh, Draco, yess!” he called out, forsaking the whole game and giving into his lust. He kept moaning into my movements and I came so close, wanting to call out his name too but then something shifted…

I felt weight on my chest… strong compressing weight as though I was being leaned on. I found it hard to breathe and suddenly there was this intense searing pain in my lower back. It spread through my stomach and upwards, causing my back to convulse against the agony.

I could hear something… panting from beyond where I could see. The dream got blurry and I realized that my eyes were shut tight but I could hear something going on above me…

I fought against the potion to wake up and when my eyes finally snapped open, I froze. The sight of what was going on explained all the pain and made me immediately sick to my stomach… I…

Theodore Nott was above me, with his hand on my chest, holding me down. He was breathing hard and pushing into me. HE WAS PUSHING INTO ME WITH HIS FILTH--

I can’t even write this… I can’t… I…The pain…

The pain in my torso was from his violent jerks. As soon as he saw that I was awake, his face contorted into a vengeful grimace dripping with hatred and disgust. And then I got my muscles back.

Adrenaline rushed through me faster than I’ve ever experienced and I screamed as loudly as I could manage and gripped him from under the arms and brought my legs up to his stomach.

I threw him.

I threw him with every ounce of strength I had and he went flying over the side of my bed. He managed to grab onto the hangings as he soared, tearing them full off the side of my bed as he went crashing into the bed next to me.

I got to my feet instantly and held my wand to his neck.

“CRUCIO!”

I hollered out into the night and he started convulsing madly, his eyes bulging as the pain took over him and he shook and kept screaming until he threw up and I stopped the curse. I should have let him go. I should have let him choke on his own vomit and DIE for what he did to me!

I seethed as I stood there, naked, dripping and bleeding, in disgust. He tried to raise his head to me. I kicked him hard in the gut and knocked him over onto his side. Then I leaned over and yanked his head up by the hair at the nape of his neck to see his face.

I didn’t ask anything. I just pushed past his meager defenses and read his mind. I read his mind to find out why he would do something so… so…. THERE ARE NO WORDS FOR IT.

Do you know what I found out?

He did it for revenge. He did it because HIS father was imprisoned as a Death-Eater too and HE should have been the one that the Dark Lord chose to accomplish his task. HE should have been the one to be attacked, tortured and threatened into doing the impossible. HE’S the one that should have been given the chance for ultimate glory next to the Dark Lord. HE SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE ONE.

HE FUCKING RAPED ME BECAUSE HE WANTED TO DO WHAT HAS BEEN KILLING ME DAY BY DAY!

HE CAN HAVE THE FUCKING JOB FOR ALL I CARE! TAKE IT FROM ME YOU FUCKING COWARD!

“SO YOU HAD TO WAIT UNTIL I WAS ASLEEP?!” I hollered at him, pointing my wand at his neck again. “COULDN’T FACE ME WHILE I WAS AWAKE AND PREPARED?!”

I threw him back and cast crucio once more before I looked around and realized that everyone was awake and staring at me. I walked towards the bathroom without looking at them.

“Take care of him,” I ordered Crabbe and Goyle.

“But wh-”

“I SAID TAKE CARE OF HIM!”

I was shaking from everything… shaking in anger and rage and hatred and self-loathing and murderousness and altogether EVERY terrible emotion you could possibly imagine.

I left and drowned myself in the showers for hours… HOURS in the night while I tried to wash him off of me… while I tried to calm down and I tried to understand…

THERE IS NO REASON. NO JUSTIFICATION.

HE RAPED ME IN MY SLEEP!... HE…….

Oh god………. He……………he did this… while I was dreaming of Potter….

He….. raped me while… I was dreaming of… with P-……..

Oh god…. I need to…..vomit…..


…………………………………………………………….

I dreamt of…. I’m crying… I….

I can’t breathe I just… I can’t stop thinking of…he’s destroyed me…every part of me now! I’m NOTHING! THERE’S NOTHING LEFT OF ME BECAUSE OF THAT BASTARD!

I don’t know what has happened to him. I don’t know what Crabbe and Goyle did… I didn’t see him when I got back. It’s morning now… and I have a day of school… I have…

I have to go on with my fucking day as though nothing has happened!

AS THOUGH I WASN’T JUST VIOLATED BY……

And I was with Potter….while he….

I was……

Just kill me.

-------IIIIIIIIII---------

A/N: OMG DON’T KILL ME! I DIDN’T MEAN TO PUT MORE ANGST BUT THE NEXT CHAPTER ISN’T GOING TO BE BETTER. If you think this is insane and there is no reason behind it, you are wrong. I told you you might not like me after the sixth book. I hope I’m wrong mind you. There is a reason for it, it’s not entirely far-fetched (I have discussed this with several people) if you would like to understand my reasoning, or purpose, feel free to email me, though please don’t stone me. Draco, in the meantime, is going to have the worst day of his life.

Ehehe… Reviews? *hides*