Up the Duff

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Moaning Myrtle watched the tiny house elf with growing suspicion. There was no doubt about it. The little midget bitch was practically licking her chops every time she looked at Tom Riddle.

For his part, Tom had more important things than getting ogled by a house elf to worry about. Now that he and Lucius had been so rudely outed, he feared that the Headmistress would hastily throw them out of the castle without so much as hearing their story.

He needn’t have worried himself on that account of course. Cats are nothing if not inquisitive, and Minerva’s feline side was dying to interrogate them all. Not only did she have two unauthorized guest running around in her school without her knowledge, but apparently one of them had managed to knock up her potions professor as well. Frankly, her curiosity was killing her.

Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy sat on either side of a still neon pink and seething Severus Snape. The small loveseat Minerva had conjured to accommodate them was just big enough that they were all practically sitting on top of one another, but it was the best she could do under the circumstances. The room was only so big after all, and there was no way she was letting anyone in it out of her sight until she got some answers.

The couch that had been in the room was also transformed into a loveseat that now held Harry Potter-Malfoy and his heavily pregnant spouse, Draco Malfoy-Potter. Harry was rubbing Draco’s shoulders and whispering soothingly to the irate blond.

Tom Riddle and Moaning Myrtle shared the other chair in the room with Tom sitting in the chair while Myrtle perched on the armrest.

Minerva occupied the only other chair in the room. Front and center she watched them all, trying to figure exactly where she should begin with her questioning.

Dobby the house elf stood to the left of Minerva’s chair, wringing his hands and nervously glancing at the other house elf that had accompanied him into the room as though she might explode at any moment.

Trixie was too enthralled with the sight of her master to pay attention to much else, but finally she managed to tear her eyes away long enough to survey the other occupants of the room. Her gaze swept over Harry and Draco before covetously landing on his bulging belly. A small smile twisted her lips.

Of course! It was perfect! Now that her master was here they could each take over one of the twins and rule together as it was always meant to be!

Her smile was distorted with revulsion as Harry kissed Draco on the back of the neck and murmured words of love to his husband. It was so unfair. One of the few things that Bellatrix had always wanted in her life was a child. More specifically a daughter that she would have named Isabella and dressed up in pretty lace and loved with all her heart. Her former body had proven itself to be barren though. It was only after Rodolphus had impregnated a string of his mistresses that Bella had finally accepted that fact.

To her mind it was a brutal injustice that she had been denied a child while this spoiled rotten blond himbo and the equally revolting “Snot Who Lived” were expecting not one but two babies.

Bella let her eyes wander across the rest of the room. Her eyebrows nearly disappeared into her hairline as they came to rest on the trio sitting on the loveseat. Lucius?

Beside him sat a pink and scowling Severus Snape. Lucius kept leaning over to speak around the potions master to.... Bella’s eyes went wide. Narcissa?

Bellatrix blinked rapidly several times. Nope. Her sister was still there.

“Dobby...” Minerva said slowly. “I do believe we could all use a drink.” The headmistress glanced around the room. “I would like for you to bring us a bottle of fire whiskey…some blood potion for Harry and Draco.... and a butter beer for Severus.”

Snape scowled from the loveseat. “Ill have whiskey thank you.”

“You cant.” Narcissa patted him on the hand. “Its not good for the baby.”

“I keep telling you.... There will be no baby.” Severus hissed.

“I think Serena is a lovely name if it’s a girl, don’t you Lucius?” Narcissa ignored his outburst.

“I’ve always been rather partial to Avalon myself.” Lucius mused. “We would call her Ava, of course.”

“No.” Severus scowled.

“Horatio if it’s a boy.” Narcissa grinned.

“Absolutely not.” Severus shook his head.

“Lucius Abraxas Malfoy if it’s a boy.” Lucius smirked.

“Over my dead body.” Snape growled. “This baby that I am not going to have will be a Snape, thank you very much.”

Dobby looked at Minerva. “Fire whiskey, two blood potions and a butter beer.” She sighed.

“I be’s right back.” Dobby gave Trixie a warning look. She smiled serenely at him. She had no intention of doing anything that would get her removed from the room which held her master.

The little house elf popped out and was back in seconds with the beverages. He sat the tray on the desk and bowed. “Thank you Dobby.” The headmistress smiled.

Dobby bowed again, his forehead nearly touching the floor. Beside him Trixie couldn’t help rolling her eyes.

Minerva looked around the room as she slowly opened a drawer in the desk and pulled out a vial of Veritaserum. “I’m sure that you are all well aware that I’m going to have to question you...” She watched their faces as she spoke. No one flinched. Leaning over the tray she deposited three drops of the serum into each cup, then motioned for Dobby and Trixie to hand them out.

Dobby brought Harry and Draco their blood potion with a smile and a bow. Trixie handed Narcissa her fire whiskey with no problem but somehow managed to spill butter beer all over Severus. “I is so sorry.”

Dobby apologized for her again, and Bellatrix had to literally bite her lip to keep from cursing him to kingdom come.

“Its quite alright Dobby.” Minerva smiled and cleaned Severus with a wave of her wand. “Accidents happen.”

Dobby eyed Trixie suspiciously. “Yes... they do be happen.”

Minerva poured three shots of fire whiskey into a cup apiece for the ghost’ in the room along with the Veritaserum then flicked her wand over the liquid so that it vaporized. It looked like three cups of boiling steam as Dobby passed them out.

Everyone in the room looked a bit nervous, but they all lifted their cups and drank the serum. For a moment nobody spoke. No one even dared to move.

The headmistress watched carefully as everyone in the room imbibed their beverage laced with the truth serum. Tom Riddle tossed his back in one gulp. The others took a few moments longer but finally everyone was dosed to her satisfaction.

Minerva leaned forward in her seat and studied the ghost of the handsome young man in front of her as Tom fidgeted nervously. Finally she spoke. “Are you Lord Voldermort?” She asked.

Tom shook his head. “No.” He said firmly. “I am Tom Riddle.”

“And the difference would be?” The headmistress was very curious on that point.

Tom glanced up at Myrtle, who gave him an encouraging smile. “I do not wish to be the Lord of anyone but myself headmistress.” He sighed. “Voldermort was a monster. He is dead and I plan for him to stay that way.”

Bellatrix gasped. She could not believe what she was hearing.

“I do not wish to harm my fellow man with magic or by any other means.” Tom continued.

It was some sort of ruse, Bella assured herself wildly. It had to be. What good was having magic if you couldn’t use it to inspire terror in your fellow man?

“I do not hate muggles. I do not hate anyone.... Except who I was.”

“Blood Traitor!” Bellatrix squealed before she could stop herself. Dobby froze with a look of pure horror on his face.

Tom riddle gave the little house elf an odd look. “There is no way that I could ever be a blood traitor.” He said softly.

“And why is that?” Bellatrix crossed her arms and sniffed haughtily.

“Because I was never a pureblood to begin with.” Tom sighed. “My father was a muggle.”

Bella felt like she had been kicked in the stomach by a mule. Her master, the man she had bowed to again and again.... Was a filthy half blood.

“NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!” She screamed, ignoring Dobby’s grasp on her arm. “NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!”

With a “POP” Trixie found herself screaming in the kitchens.

“I is not believing you!” Dobby shouted in her face. “You is promising to behave!”

Still with an iron grip on her arm Dobby hauled Trixie to his office and sat her none too gently in a chair. “I is going back to finish, but you is staying here!” She heard him mutter several locking charms just before he stormed out of the door. Bellatrix felt her large lower lip start to tremble. All that time…. She had been so loyal… and the big faker wasn’t even a pure blood. Large tears coursed down her face and she kicked the crate that passed for Dobby’s desk.

It was the sound of glass clinking together that caught her attention. Wiping her tears away on the back on her hand she walked around and yanked at the top of the crate until she finally managed to pry it loose. Her eyes glistened as she reached inside to grab one of the amber bottles. As long as she was stuck in the little toads office she might as well have a butter beer.... or two.


Dobby popped back into Severus' sitting room as quietly as he could. He needn’t have worried though. The humans in the room were much too busy arguing to notice him.

“I don’t care what you say....” Harry swished his wand right through Tom Riddle’s ghost. “There has to be some speck of Voldermort left in there somewhere.”

“Really Harry!” Tom curled up his nose. “How rude!”

“I’m starving.” Severus suddenly spoke up.

Draco smirked at him knowingly. “Well... that will happen when you’re eating for two... or more.” The blond leaned closer. “I cant wait until youre as fat as a cow, and waddling around everywhere.” He said gleefully.

“When I am....” Severus smirked right back at his Godson. “Can I borrow the outfit that you’re wearing right now?”

It took every bit of Harry Potter-Malfoy’s supernatural strength to hold his spouse down on the loveseat next to him.

“We need to test the Veritaserum to be sure it was effective.” Minerva glanced around the room.

Harry finally got Draco settled back down. “We need to make sure it worked.” He agreed. “On everyone.” He eyed the ghost.

“Oh it worked.” Snape drawled. “I brewed that serum myself. Its some strong shit.”

“So.... did you enjoy my father fucking you up the arse?” Draco asked spitefully.

“Very much so.” Severus leaned forward, and suddenly grinned shark like at both Harry and Draco. “Potter...” He drawled, “Did you spend more than a week last month ogling my ankles while hoping to get a glance at my supposed six foot penis?”

Harry gaped at him. No! No he would not answer that! Not here in this room with all these people, not to mention his husband. Never! “Yes.” The Gryffindor vampire squeaked.

Snape smugly sat back. “I told you so.” He growled in Narcissa and Lucius’ general direction. “He’s probably hatching another plan in that perverted little head of his to try and get a peep again since you told him I have two now.”

Technically that wasn’t a question so no one was more surprised that Harry when a second “Yes.” slipped past his lips. He desperately clapped his hand over his mouth as everyone in the room turned their shocked faces to stare at him. Everyone but Draco.

Minerva coughed nervously. “Mr. Malfoy-Potter... I must say that you are taking this news very calmly. Does it not bother you that Harry is planning to try and get a peek at your Godfathers double penis’?”

“Bother me?” Draco snorted and finally looked back at his blushing spouse. “I was planning to help him.” Damn but this truth serum was strong shit!

Dropping his hands into his lap, Harry felt tears well up in his eyes as he gazed into the beautiful face of his mate. “Draco.....” He whispered, “I don’t believe Ive ever loved you more than I do in this moment.”

“Aren’t they just precious together?” Narcissa cooed to her husband and lover.

“Yes.” Lucius looked like he was sucking on a lemon as he said it.

“Yes.” Severus nearly choked on the word.

“Yes.” Tom smiled.

“Yes.” Myrtle nodded.

“Okay.” Minerva coughed. “So… we are all in agreement now that the serum did work?”

“I suppose.” Harry said grudgingly. “So....” He turned to Snape. “Are you having this baby?”

“Yesssssss.” Severus hissed. “I was just scared.”

Snape looked as though he would seriously rather cut his tongue out than answer and Harry couldn’t help grinning.

“I’m scared too.” Draco whispered beside him. Harry turned and grasped his hand. “I swear to you that I will be there with you every moment Draco. You wont ever be alone and I know you can do this”

Lucius nodded. “Son, I just want you to know I have total faith in you.”

Draco looked doubtful. “Since when?”

“Since your mother told me I did.” Lucius answered truthfully.

Minerva picked up the other vial that was lying on the desk. This one glowed an eerie neon green that caught the attention of everyone in the room. “So Mr. Malfoy...” Minerva uncorked the vial and took a whiff. Her nose hairs immediately curled. She coughed and quickly shoved the stopper back in the bottle. Neither she nor anyone else in the room noticed the tiny drop that escaped from the cork and landed on the floor beside her desk when she coughed. “This is what is responsible for your current solid state and Severus‘ subsequent pregnancy?”

Lucius nodded. “I spilled a whole vial on myself by accident.”

The headmistress turned back to Tom Riddle. “You knew this?”

Tom nodded. “Narcissa told me while she was trapped in the second story girls lavatory.”

Everyone in the room turned to look at Narcissa, who turned beet red. She crossed her arms defensively across her chest. “Oh like you wouldn’t have!”

Minerva cocked her head to the side and stared at Tom quizzically. “Yet… you didn’t try to find it? You didn’t want to use it for yourself? You could have become.....”

“Become what Minerva?” Tom sighed loudly. “I have no idea exactly what I might have become if I had used that slime on myself.” He shook his head. “Its too big of a risk. Voldermort is dead. No one wants to keep him buried more than I do.”

In the end, it was that statement more than anything else that caused Minerva to decide that they could both remain in the castle.

“Dobby.... Would you mind clearing away the cups?” McGonagall asked.

“Dobby would be most pleased to be helping the headmistress.” The tiny elf managed a smile as he stepped up to MSeverus' desk, and gathered up the tray, but inside he was still seething. Oh that Trixie was soooo going to get it when he got back to his office.


Dobby returned to his office with a loud “POP” and sat the tray down on a nearby stool. His large ears twitched as he searched the room for Trixie and saw no sign of her. Then he heard her. There was a noise coming from the other side of his desk that sounded suspiciously like someone slurring the words to “Twinkle twinkle little star.”

Dobby slowly crept around his desk and there she was. Sprawled out on the floor with six empty butter beer bottles beside her and singing out of tune. Dobby’s mouth fell open. “Trixie!” He squeaked. “You is drunk!”

Bellatrix squinted up at the tiny being hovering over her and smiled. “I’m not as think as you drunk I am.” She slurred and giggled.

“You is a disgrace!” Dobby shouted. “You is rude, you is sloppy and now you is drunk!”

“Oh yeah?” Bella managed to haul herself up to her feet and stood there swaying dangerously. “Oh yeah?” *hic* She repeated. “Well.... you gots a green toe and only one sock!”

A green toe? Dobby glanced down. His toe was indeed glowing a strange neon green. Huh?

“But you know what?” *hic* Dobby squeaked as Trixie grabbed him by the neck of his pillowcase and hauled him closer, until they were nose to nose. “Yer kinda cute when yer mad....” Trixie breathed butter beer right into his stunned face.


**POUNCE**