Light on the Dark Side of Me

Title: Light on the Dark Side of Me
Author: Cocoa-Snape
Disclaimer: I own nothing. Harry Potter belongs exclusively to JKR…she is a goddess. I am making no money from this.
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Light on the Dark Side of Me
Chapter 26: Don’t tell me you’re fine

(Day 7)

When Harry woke the next morning, Snape was still in the armchair by his side, just as he had promised. Harry watched him for a long time. Snape’s brow was furrowed and his lips were tightly pursed as though he were tasting something unpleasant – even in his sleep the man looked pained. Harry mused that perhaps it was the discomfort of the chair, but then noticed that Snape’s feet were propped up on a plush ottoman the man had obviously conjured.

A few minutes later, Snape began to stir and Harry pretended that he had just woken up as well. Snape turned his eyes towards the couch, meeting Harry’s gaze, and the two stared at each other silently in a decidedly awkward moment. Harry wanted to express his gratitude to the man for staying with him despite the obvious discomfort it had caused him – both physical and mental. But Harry knew that that would only make Severus feel more self-conscious than he already did, and so he cleverly diffused the uncomfortable silence between them with as much sarcasm as he could muster – sarcasm that belied the seriousness of his words.

“You stayed. Whatever happened to each of us worrying about ourselves? Or do your arbitrary rules not apply to you?”

“You’re becoming quite the snarky little brat, I see,” Snape commented evenly.

“Thanks to you. I thought I cast a silencing charm last night. How did you know?” Harry asked.

“I needed some scotch desperately,” Snape admitted. “Speaking of…” he began, glancing over at the clock, “Is 7 too early to start drinking?”

“I think so,” Harry said.

“Pity. I’ll have to wait another hour then. I came in here and I saw you flailing your arms and presumably screaming your head off.” Snape paused and studied Harry carefully. Harry had trained his gaze down at his hands and he was twiddling his thumbs like an infant. If Snape hadn’t already known what the nightmare was about, he certainly knew now.

“I think you should talk about it,” Snape suggested.

“No,” Harry said a bit too forcefully, a horrified look in his eyes.

“Perhaps I should rephrase,” Snape began, quashing his own discomfort. “I think you should speak to the Headmaster about it. I’m sure he would permit you to floo to his quarters.”

“No,” Harry said simply, still not daring to look Snape in the eyes. He was sick of discussing this dream with Dumbledore anyway. Snape didn’t realize that this had been one of the many exhaustive topics of conversation he had had with the Headmaster during his two-day stay in his quarters.

Snape gave Harry a harsh look. “Why not?”

“It’s nothing.”

“Is that so?” Snape asked disbelievingly.

“I’m fine.”

“I don’t believe you,” Snape said firmly.

“You wouldn’t,” Harry said with annoyance.

“If you’re fine, then tell me what it was about,” Snape challenged.

“I…I…”

“Or perhaps a little Occlumency lesson is in order,” Snape taunted. “Not that I need it to figure it out – it’s written all over your face.”

Harry suppressed the rising panic at the idea of having Snape invade his mind at this moment. He shot his head up and raised his voice as he spoke, “You can’t hold me accountable for my nightmares!”

“I don’t,” Snape said, and turned his head to look away. His next words were spoken barely above a whisper, and Harry struggled to catch them. “I hold myself accountable.”

“You shouldn’t,” Harry said gently.

Harry studied Snape’s face. The man clearly looked upset. Damn it! I didn’t want him to know about these nightmares.

“It’s no big deal,” Harry added.

Snape was getting angry now. Anger always came easier to him, and certainly felt better than guilt. He’s a damn liar, Severus.

“You’re a bloody liar, Potter!”

“I’m fine,” Harry said forcefully, mustering up a more convincing tone. “Really I am.”

Snape was incensed. Doesn’t he know that I know!? Do I need to spell it out for the boy!?

“Damn you, Potter!” Snape shouted, “You’re having nightmares about me raping you and Dumbledore is mad enough to lock you down here with me! So DON’T tell me that it’s not my fault! And for Merlin’s sake, DON’T you dare tell me that you’re fine!”

The force and truth behind Snape’s assertions was a reality he could not deny – Harry could almost feel Snape’s chilling words trickling down his spine like ice water. Embarrassed by Snape’s shrewdness, Harry muttered under his breath, “They’re not all like that.”

“Is that so?” Snape sneered. “Are the others more pleasant? Perhaps I’m handing you over to the Dark Lord so that He can have his way with you?”

Damn he knows everything! Harry thought. “I…I…”

Snape interrupted, spitting forcefully, “Don’t you open your damned mouth to tell me you’re fine again! Don’t you dare lie to me!”

Snape was seething now and that familiar dark flicker of rage was burning wildly in his eyes. Harry masked his fear as best he could. If he was going to be honest with the man, as Snape was demanding, he would have asked him to take a few steps away from him – but Harry was well aware that that action would only add to the man’s already crushing guilt. Harry gulped, trying to swallow the lump of anxiety that was pressing against his throat as he fought the urge to move away. He reminded himself that Snape wasn’t going to hurt him, he was just losing himself to his anger again. He took a deep breath and prepared a steely response.

“Fine. I’m NOT fine. You don’t want lies. Okay. But then don’t lie to me either. Be brave enough to admit the same thing.”

“What are you going on about?”

“Are you fine?” Harry asked pointedly.

“This isn’t about me, Potter.”

Now it was Harry’s turn to get angry, “Bullshit it isn’t! You’re not sleeping at all. My nightmares don’t compare to yours. It’s been…what…5 days with me. I’ve missed one or two nights of sleep, big deal! Maybe I’m not fine this second, but I’m going to be okay.” Time to dig in Harry. Time to confront and push, just like Dumbledore said. “I’m going to be okay because…because I know what’s real. I actually know that you’re not going to hand me over to Voldemort and that you’re not going to rape me.” Harry took a deep breath. “But you…you don’t know the truth. You think you’re that monster and you think you deserve these nightmares.”

“Don’t you DARE bring that up with me!!” Snape spat in fury.

Harry replied angrily, “So I’m supposed to talk about it, but you don’t have to? How are you ever supposed to get past this, Severus, if you don’t talk about what happened?”

Get past it. Get PAST it?!?! That arrogant little whelp has to nerve to tell me to get past it! As if he hadn’t tried. As if he hadn’t buried the memories deeper in his mind than any ever before. Snape was superb Occlumens and had never had such difficulty ignoring painful memories in the past, and he certainly had plenty of experience doing that. But these memories had somehow taken on a life of their own. They had a control over him that he didn’t understand. They would surface at the most inopportune times – sometimes at meals, sometimes in class – although he had managed to gain a tighter reign over them in those instances. But they were wholly uncontrollable around Harry. At times, he could barely look at the boy without thinking about what had happened. And that crazy old coot had locked Harry in his quarters! And all so that they would form some sort of tentative friendship. If he only knew what hell he’s putting me through.

In his periphery, Snape noticed Harry staring at him intently. Harry. Here. In his rooms…stretched out on his couch in ill-fitting pajamas. Harry telling him to talk about what happened. About what happened. Snape trembled involuntary as the memory flooded into the forefront of his mind. He could feel that sick breath in his ear, he could almost feel that bony hand in between his legs, and could hear that cruel voice whispering to him. ‘Tell me Severus.’ And then hissing, ‘I enjoyed that very much Severus,’ and ‘Oh, Severusssss,’ and then…a different voice. ‘Severus.’ Louder still.

“Severus!”

Snape jerked sharply as that voice snapped him out of his thoughts and he was vaguely aware of a very worried and anxious looking Harry Potter staring at him.

Harry had been trying to get Severus’s attention for some time now. He was disconcerted by Severus’s unresponsiveness and was conscious of the fact that Severus had apparently been lost deep in his thoughts for a few long minutes. The man’s anger had rapidly faded and his eyes had become distant as his face contorted in pain. Clearly he wasn’t ready to be having this conversation.

“I’m sorry, Severus,” Harry said gently.

Harry’s soft apology caused Snape to wince. The last thing he wanted now was Harry’s pity. Harry could tell that the man was itching to leave the room and he felt indescribably bad that he hadn’t held his tongue earlier.

“Forget what I said before. Forget I said anything,” Harry said desperately. “Do you want some breakfast?” he asked, trying not so subtlety to change the subject.

Snape said nothing. Scotch, I want scotch. Or better yet, Draught of Living Death.

Harry was at a loss. He mused about how quickly things had turned. Just moments ago Snape was worried about him and expressing his concern the only way he knew how, by shouting in anger borne from his frustration and self-loathing. And now it was Harry’s turn to be worried about Snape; the man was terribly quiet and it was unsettling. Harry would have given anything to have Severus yelling at him again, insulting him, saying something – just to know that the man was alright. Not knowing what to say, he snapped his fingers and Dobby appeared at his side.

Harry ordered food and tea, hoping that breakfast would snap Severus out of the unsettling stupor he had placed him in. When the food arrived he asked Severus what he wanted – ‘Eggs?’ ‘Bacon?’ ‘Toast?’ But Severus said nothing. Harry sighed and thought perhaps he might try something lighter on his stomach.

Harry held a bowl out to the still quiet man and said, “Have some porridge, Severus.”

“I don’t want any fucking porridge,” Snape snapped.

Despite the harshness of the words, Harry couldn’t help but feel relieved at hearing the man speak to him again.

A short pause.

“Did you sleep at all last night?” Harry asked awkwardly.

A mumbled, “A bit.”

“Your nightmares, Severus,” Harry began tentatively, “…how long have they been going on for?”

No answer.

“The whole month?” Harry asked.

No answer, but an imperceptible nod.

“How many nights do you actually sleep without nightmares?”

Once again, Snape remained silent. But his silence served as Harry’s answer. Harry had known things were bad, but despite himself, he was stunned. Every night!? How on earth is the man still functioning?

“I’m really worried about you, Severus. You’ve lost so much weight and you’re not sleeping and there has to be some solution—”

“There is none,” Snape said simply.

“There’s nothing you can take?”

“You’ve the gall to ask a Potions Master that? Once a week is the most I dare. It’s the damn wormwood in the potion. If I could just eliminate it…” Snape paused for a moment, and then began muttering to himself, caught up in his own train of thought, “Perhaps the problem is not the wormwood, but lies in its reaction with the cactus root. It may be that the wormwood is serving as a catalyst to facilitate the root’s oxidation and causes the—”

“Are you trying to bore me to death or just change the topic of conversation?” Harry interrupted, relieved that the conversation had taken a more light-hearted tone. “Let me propose something. Hear me out. After all, I have some experience with nightmares and all, courtesy of Voldemort…”

Snape winced sharply and slammed his hand on the coffee table, shouting, “Potter!”

“I’m sorry, I forgot. I was saying that I have some experience because of him…and it helps a lot to have someone there for you when you wake up from a nightmare.”

“You’re volunteering to baby-sit me? Ridiculous. I’m not a child,” Snape said in annoyance.

“I know that, but yes damn it, I’m volunteering. I’m stuck down here in the dungeons anyhow. What difference does it make what room I’m in? And besides, it also sometimes helps just sleeping next to a warm body. And if you have a nightmare, I’ll be there. I know what it’s like to wake up alone. Why don’t you let me stay with you tonight?” Harry said, adding quickly, “Nothing untoward, of course. Just sleep.”

Harry’s proposal certainly got Snape’s attention, but not in the way he wanted. Snape shot straight up in his armchair, and said, “That is absolutely out of the question.”

“Why?”

“You know why, Potter. It’s completely inappropriate,” Snape said firmly.

Losing his patience, Harry snapped, “Will you bloody well stop calling me Potter! And why can’t you ever say yes to anything? Everything has to be a fight with you. Damn it, sometimes I really hate you, you know that?”

Snape glared at Harry, “Well then maybe you should call the Headmaster and find a way to get yourself out of here. For both our sakes.”

“I might just do that,” Harry fumed back.

“Please do,” Snape said and stormed off to his bedroom.

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A/N: Thank you everyone for your reviews. A few people have asked if i reveal what AD got for SS and vice versa. We learn one of those gifts...but the other never seemed to fit in my story. But I’m so glad to see so many positive comments and such a nice reception to my Dumbledore and how I use him in this. I just love him and he gets such a bad rap!

I hope you enjoyed this chapter and i look forward to your comments on it..............