One wish alone have I

Chapter 19
One more star in the sky

I calmly buttoned my robes and sat in front of Albus, who looked at me with his eyes filled with concerned compassion. He removed his half-moon spectacles and rubbed his crooked nose with his fingers.

“How long can it survive without Severus?” he asked, in the same grave and sad voice.

“If I do not drink his blood at all… not more than a couple of weeks. Three at the very most,” I replied, in a surprisingly detached tone.

“That gives us some time, Antanasia…. As soon as his owl comes to me, I will inform him of the situation,” he resolutely announced.

“Please, Albus, do not do such a thing,” I intervened firmly. “What made you and I feel that little being’s presence in my womb were our Legilimency skills. We also have the wisdom and sensitivity of the passing decades to help us feel it, but even if Severus does not have them, his skills are astoundingly developed, as you know. I am sure he was able to feel that being’s presence the minute its life began inside of me… and he left me all the same. He packed his things… he wrote this letter… and he left…”

“This is not right,” murmured Albus, shaking his head sadly. “Severus is unpredictable and even impulsive at times, but he is not an irresponsible wizard. Are you sure that he felt it?”

“Right now, yes. I strongly believe that he did feel it indeed.”

“Then my letter would not bring him any information he does not know… but it might still make him rethink his decision,” he suggested.

“If you know Severus as I do, Albus, you also know that when he makes a serious decision, it is a final one. He decided to break up with me after thinking it through many times over. I do not know what motivated his decision, but he has made it pretty clear that he absolutely does not want to discuss it with me or anyone else. Why else would he run away like that, if not to be left alone? I think your insistence would only push him even further away from me… and from you, in addition. I do not want you two to quarrel because of me.”

“I understand that things look hopeless right now, but it might be different in a day or two. I suggest you take some time to think this through. If you change your mind about the letter, I will be glad to send a word to Severus on your behalf. Is there anything else I can do? Do you want me to fetch Poppy? She might still be here; I think her train leaves tonight.”

“If it is not too much trouble… I would like to see her indeed.”

“Very well,” he said, rising to his feet and taking my hands in his again. “And please, take your time, there is no need for you to leave the castle too soon. I will be here for a week or two before I leave my office. If you need anything, even if it is just to talk… even if it is just a friendly presence at your side, Floo me.”

“Thank you, Albus…you are very generous,” I simply replied. “I will.”

After Albus disappeared in the fireplace, I went to my quarters and took a long shower. I first thought that it would wash away a part of my sorrow, but I rather realised pretty fast that it was washing away Severus’ manly smell on my skin instead. Poppy found me sitting on the toilet cover, wrapped in a towel and crying my heart out.

“There, there my lass!” exclaimed her authoritarian voice, which was tainted with kindness nevertheless. “You can’t just sit there feeling sorry for yourself! Come with me to the other room, at least.”

I docilely followed her, a bit put off by her commanding manners, but still extremely relieved and grateful to see her. She handed me my dressing gown and waited for me in my quarters. I found her standing next to my desk when I came out; she had Transfigured it to make it usable as an examination table. When she saw me, she motioned for me to sit on it, which I did. She did a quick but thorough check on my physical state and confirmed what I already knew.

“You are pregnant, Antanasia… and from the results I get, you became pregnant very recently.”

“Last night, Poppy…” I flatly corroborated.

“Albus told me you could feel it almost instantly? That’s not the case with all people of your kind, you know.”

“I do not know if that is good news or not…” I bitterly commented.

“I have some suggestions to give you, but they are not miraculous, Antanasia. You can feed on one of his relatives’ blood for a while; it might give you several additional weeks. If that is not possible, you can feed on any human’s blood, from the Muggle or Magical world… still, a wizard’s blood would be best. That would give you a couple more weeks…”

“Poppy… I will not make any of those attempts.”

“Then you want to condemn your baby?” she asked, very severely.

“Believe me, I would do everything possible to preserve that baby’s health if it had a chance to survive. But you and I know perfectly that the chances are very slim. You know how that embryo will die, Poppy. You know how the magical field that links it to me and makes my womb a possible place to survive and grow in will eventually fade away and vanish. How old do you want that baby to be when it happens?”

“Thirty-seven weeks old,” she gravely replied, riveting her eyes to mine. “More if possible.”

“It is not possible!” I angrily exclaimed. “He broke up with me, Poppy! Definitely! He is not happy with me, or in any relationship! How could he accept this baby without somebody or something forcing him to do it? I will not be that person, and neither you nor Albus will be!”

“Really, Antanasia, you disappoint me!” she reproachfully replied. “I did not believe the Antanasia I know to be the kind of person who admits defeat so easily.”

“Oh, and maybe you would react differently?”

“Absolutely not! I would look exactly like you or even worse! I would be sobbing like a little girl on my mum’s shoulder! But then I would tell myself that I could be greater than a warlock’s weakness and cowardly behaviour. And I would think twice before saying that the game is over.”

“I just do not want the baby to suffer, Poppy…” I murmured, very humbly.

“Killing it faster will not solve the matter for you, Antanasia. What do you want to think of yourself, when you look back on this a few years from now?”

I did not answer. Somehow, her words reached my heart and rang true, but it was just aching too much to fully benefit from their meaning. Everything was happening so fast! A few hours before, I was peacefully sleeping in my lover’s arms, and then… all this! Severus’ letter and behaviour hit me so hard that they removed every bit of hope I could have kept about the possibility of him coming back to me one night. I just did not think that the baby would survive beyond a few weeks.

“Poppy,” I gravely began, “I will think about what you said, and really, thank you for your advice, for it is very good. But right now, I need some time to think about this and figure it out. Do… do you have some potions that could help me, you know…”

“I have potions that will help you with nausea, fatigue, emotional hypersensitivity, but that kind of potion, no. I will not help you with this, Antanasia. You will have to brew it yourself if you want to do that. I am very sorry if I sound narrow-minded, but I just cannot do it. I chose this profession because I wanted to preserve life, not to harm it. I do want to help you, though…” she concluded, putting a comforting hand on my arm.

I gave in to my own weakness and pressed her into my arms. She held me tight against her, seemingly a bit surprised at first, but definitely happy to give me some comfort. She stroked my back and loose hair, while I sobbed loudly against her neck and gripped her robes in my need for something to cling to. She reassured me with maternal and sweet gestures and words, and finally sat next to me on the table and rocked me to a calmer state for several minutes.

“Do you want me to delay my departure, Antanasia?” she softly asked, once my crying subsided.

“No, please, no. Do not delay your holidays for me, Poppy,” I protested.

“But that is what friends do…” she argued, with a small smile.

Poppy stayed with me for three whole nights, despite my protestations. I felt horribly embarrassed that she missed valuable time with her loved ones only to stay with me, but I appreciated every minute of her one-of-a-kind presence. It was her who gently, then severely insisted for me to let Albus offer his neck to my fangs. If at first I drank his blood with apprehension and reluctance, I soon learned to appreciate the particular feel of that wonderful wizard’s soul through his most precious fluid. His wisdom became even more obvious to me than before, not to mention the delicate balance between youth and old age that was fully intertwined and very well dosed in each drop of his essence.

Nevertheless, if in appearance I was complying with Poppy’s recommendations, I had other plans of my own in mind. When she left Hogwarts, on the fourth evening after Severus’ departure, I went directly to the shelves in his office and searched for the potion’s formula I wanted to prepare. Severus’ personal collection was impressive and very complete; I found three versions of what I wanted and chose the one I knew would act quickly and painlessly.

Like a zombie, I retrieved the right ingredients from his cupboard and brought them to the lab. I ignored the happy memories that flashed through my mind as I started working in that place that had been ours, not so long ago. Three hours later, I found myself sitting in front of a small goblet in which a dark liquid was emitting a delicate silvery smoke.

It was time.

Poppy and Albus’ attentions and care had allowed the small embryo to grow more and more vigorous inside my womb. I knew it had already nested into my flesh and curled up into the magical bounds that linked it to me. I had successfully kept a neutral mind and heart towards its presence there, feeling still far too numb from Severus’ brutal departure. However, as I mused over this and felt that inopportune presence inside of me, I became angry. Oh, not the type of anger that makes one pace up and down a room furiously and scream uncontrollably. It was a cold, growling anger that whirled in my mind, where it could find no place to escape through.

I closed my eyes. There I was, sitting in front of a goblet that was filled with a deadly substance, about to commit something irreparable. I had not been prepared to face this! I was not ready! I did not even know if I wanted a baby from Severus; all of this seemed so unfair to me! And above all, I did not want to own the terrible power of life and death over that minuscule being!

That being… a painful reminder of my foolishness! The very symbol of a betrayal of which I was the victim… as much, if not more, than it! Letting me fall in love with him and have hopes of a future together was not enough; he had to create a child within me, in addition! And right before he heartlessly left me!

I eyed the substance more closely as I slid the goblet nearer on the counter. A few quick sips would solve that problem. Just a few sips… and that shame, that painful remainder of what had been us would be there no more.

I mused over those thoughts and feelings for a while. I even went as far as feeling a cruel smile disfiguring my lips when I imagined that Severus might actually suffer when he learned how his child had died. In the distressed state I was in, I had the firm intention to spare him no detail of it. I felt a strange sense of power when that idea sneaked into my mind, as if the gesture I was about to make would give me a small revenge for the pain he had caused me.

When I finally grasped the extent of my thoughts and intentions, however, I let out a heavy sigh. I shudder as I remember those trying moments and those horrible thoughts that crossed my mind. It takes me an awful lot of humility and transparency to write this down, to admit it to myself… and to tell it to you. Those events left me with a rage and bitterness I had rarely known during my afterlife, and it brought out both the best and worst that was in my nature.

I realised that the dark intent concealed in my thoughts was no less than the will to make an innocent child pay for the pain his or her father had caused me. That child’s death was to bring me no revenge, after all. My heart firmly believed that Severus, leaving me with the knowledge that he was condemning our child, cared little about the latter and, therefore, would not really react to his or her death. Furthermore, that child’s disappearance from my womb would not make my pain and shame vanish… it would probably only make them worse.

Consumed with bitterness, I kept my eyes fixed on the goblet and imagined a dozen ways by which I could use my condition to hurt Severus’ feelings deeply. I was far too absorbed in my horrible task to be disgusted about myself the way I am now, now that I look back at all this from a distance.

It was well past dawn when I stopped taxing my exhausted mind and dragged my feet to my quarters, leaving the goblet untouched behind me. As I entered, I saw a small glass filled with a thick red liquid that Dumbledore had left for me. Frowning and clenching my teeth, I grabbed it and threw all its contents into the sink.

~*~

Dumbledore left Hogwarts five nights later. He never said anything to me about the potion that still lay on the lab’s counter, and I knew he saw it when he opted to bring the small glass directly to me one night. Curiously, it was Albus’ departure, and not his presence, that changed things in my mind and heart.

I had spent the five previous nights hesitating in front of that damned goblet. Sometimes, I cruelly planned a silly revenge for hours…. At other times, I cried my heart out when I faced my incapacity to just make a decision and follow the proper course of actions… and one night, I sat with a confused mind that was drifting in all possible directions, trying desperately to escape somewhere instead of thinking about my problem.

As a result, I had not made any decision whatsoever when Albus walked through the school’s front door, his luggage bags floating behind him. He told me one more time that Severus had not sent any owl yet, and he made sure that I still had Severus’ father’s last known address, should I need it when timing became critical.

After he disappeared in his carriage, I found myself in the sole company of Argus Filch, his cat, and Hagrid, who felt so clumsy in front of my physical and emotional state that I preferred to avoid him as much as possible. In a word, I was completely left alone in Hogwarts.

It hit me there, right there at the front doors, and it hit hard. All of a sudden, I felt an intense need to feel Severus’ presence, and I hurriedly walked to his quarters. My heart clenched in my chest when I saw that the house-elves had cleaned the bedroom and made the bed, which suggested that they had changed the sheets as well. My nose informed me at once that I was right: Severus’ enticing smell was gone.

I gave out a pained moan and rushed to his closet. With a great relief, I found that he had left all his teaching robes behind. I grabbed them all, one after the other, and brought them with me on the bed, under the sheets, where they lay beside me in one long bulge.

A bulge, at long last, that smelled like him.

I buried my nose into the soft fabric and held it close against my body, circling it with one arm and leg, just like I did when Severus was at my side. I stayed there the whole night, feeling totally unable to leave his belongings, his scent, his faint but oh so needed presence. Several nights and days passed like this. The stillness and silence in the room were only disturbed by my occasional sobs or by Mrs Norris, who sneaked through the open door a couple of times and even jumped on the bed once.

I let the nights come and go, finding a relative peace in that timeless bed, aching physically and mentally from my lover’s absence and my increasing hunger, which I did not take care of and did not care about either. Memories of him came back to me in devastatingly intense flashes, making my insides clench powerfully each time it happened. Pressing my lips against his robes, I remembered his kisses, which he gave me in countless manners, from the slow, almost still brushing of his lips against mine to the feverish and hurried way his mouth devoured mine when we craved for each other after a never-ending abstinence of… barely a few hours. I hated myself for hugging, caressing, kissing his robes as if they were him, as if he had not cruelly abused my trust and love, but it seemed, at times, that those passionate abandons were the only thing that still gave me a feel of sentience.

I became so entranced at some point that I drifted to sleep two mornings in a row believing with the last forceful bits of my hopelessness that Severus would just come back and be there, in the evening.

If the first evening proved to be disappointing, the second one was not.

When I woke up, I felt his presence even before I opened my eyes. His body unmistakably weighted on the mattress behind me. I stirred and, with a small moan, I cuddled my back a bit more against him. In answer, he put a comforting hand on my hip. That touch clenched my empty stomach very painfully, and a few tears escaped from my closed eyelids. When he saw my shoulders shaking slightly from my sobbing, he gently removed the curls that were covering my face, caressed my temple for a while and rested his hand on the side of my neck.

“I cannot believe that you came back, Severus!” I whispered, when the tightness of my throat subsided enough to let me speak.

“I am sorry to disappoint you, Tasia…” said a hoarse voice that rang with kindness.

I abruptly turned around and opened my eyes. Remus was sitting on the bed, leaning against the wall, his two legs lying straight in front of him. His eyes fixed me with a sweet sorrow that rendered them greyer than ever.

“Remus… how long have you been here,” I asked, letting him wipe off the tears on my cheeks.

“I arrived this afternoon, but you were sleeping so well that I didn’t have the heart to wake you up. Dumbledore asked me to come and check on you… he was worried.”

“Worried about what?” I asked, feeling slightly irritated by my disappointment as much as by Dumbledore’s annoyingly close watch.

“Filch told him that you haven’t left this bed for days, Tasia. Naturally, Albus is worried and so am I. What are you trying to do by staying here like this?” he softly asked, frowning.

“Nothing,” I flatly said, after a pause. “I just did not think of any better place to go… or anything better to do.”

“But you need to feed, Tasia… for two, now. I take it you haven’t owled Severus’ father yet?”

“Not really,” I replied, evasively.

“Come with me to the Headquarters, then; you need something better than blood potion. I have asked Arthur and he is willing to let you feed on him for a few days if necessary.”

“Remus, by Cerridwen!” I angrily retorted, feeling like a cumbersome burden. “How many people need to know about this baby? You should bring it up during the next Order meeting, while you are at it! That way, everybody will know what a foolish little tart I have been!”

“Arthur never even gave a hint that he could think something like this about you,” he firmly replied.

“Do not fret; Molly will do it in his place, no doubt,” I growled.

“Tasia,” he argued, very patiently, “don’t you think you are judging yourself a bit too harshly? You didn’t see it coming, nobody did… and that, unfortunately, is the less surprising part of the tale.”

I only turned back on my side, grabbed Severus’ robes and pressed them tighter against my chest, trying not to cry again. Somehow, I felt that if I started to cry now, it would go on and on for nights.

“What are you trying to do by staying here, sweetheart?” he gravely asked, putting a warm hand in my back. “Starve both of you to death? Tell me… honestly… we didn’t use to keep things secret between each other before.”

“No… I am not trying to starve us to death, Remus… not that I have not actually considered it, a few nights ago…” I murmured, shivering against him.

“Albus told me that you brewed a potion, last week…”

“I did not have the heart to take it,” I interrupted bitterly. “I did not have the guts to make that baby willingly… and I do not have the guts to kill him or her myself, either. I am the most pitiful creature I have ever encountered in my entire afterlife!”

“How is the baby now?” he asked, with a touch of worry.

“Clinging to life. Albus’ blood did wonders, it seems.”

A long, very long silence followed. Remus’ question was so genuine that it forced me to turn my full attention to a place I had rather ignored for nights. The baby was indeed in splendid health and the magical bounds that linked it with me and kept it alive were holding strong. Yet Remus’ question did more than change my focus of attention. As I came in contact with that innocent presence inside my womb, I also felt how, far more than just representing the shame I felt, the deceit I was victim of… it still was a part of Severus… of us. A part that was firmly curled up inside of me and did not wish to leave.

“Remus,” I whispered, “I could not kill Severus’ presence inside of me… it was too hard… but I still do not know what to do… I feel so completely lost! And I am so scared!”

“Then do not stay here like this, darling,” he said, with emotion. “Come with me, let me take care of you.”

“Well, if you do not mind, stay here with me a little bit longer, on the contrary. Just hold me in your arms, I need it so much! I must be really disgusting, but…”

“Shush, don’t be silly!” he interrupted, sliding down on his side and passing his long arm around me to press me tight against him. “You do smell like an old untidy werewolf, but hey, who am I to make talk?”

Remus’ arms stayed protectively wrapped around my torso until I stopped shivering and finally relaxed a little bit. If his embrace was not strong enough to shield my heart and my soul against sorrow and fear, I sensed the powerful way in which they could protect me against all external threats. That is probably what gave me the courage to let go of Severus’ robes, turn to the other side at last, and lean my forehead against Remus’ chest.

“I should go to my quarters and take a shower,” I said, after a few minutes.

“Take your time,” he replied, stroking my back. “I will Floo the Burrow to see if Arthur came back from work. I will manage to have him wait for us at the Headquarters when we arrive.”

The feel of hot water on my skin, along with my friend’s presence in the adjacent room, brought me a great deal of comfort. I still felt a tight nervous lump in my throat and stomach when I walked out of the bathroom, rubbing my hair with a towel, but at least my despair had narrowed to more practical and rational worries.

Before I sat on Remus’ broomstick, I grabbed one of Severus’ usual teaching robes and brought it with me outside. Remus’ eyes lifted from the luggage bag he was tying to his broom as I wrapped it around my shoulders like a cloak, but he did not make any comment.

Arthur was waiting for us indeed when we arrived at Grimmauld Place; he was not alone. Molly was in the kitchen, cleaning the top of the counters which she rubbed a bit too enthusiastically. Arthur was calmly pacing the room; neither of them was speaking.

“Good evening, Antanasia,” he said with a gentle smile when he saw me. “Do you need help with your luggage?”

“No, thank you,” I replied, feeling greatly softened by the genuine warmth that emanated from his features.

“Evening everybody!” said Remus, walking in behind me. “Molly, leave that. You don’t need to do my dishes anymore; I will clean the mess myself later.”

“I’m fine,” she said rather tensely, and keeping her back turned to us. “I don’t mind at all and there is not much left to do anyway.”

She was more than nervous; she was deeply irritated. Every gesture of her hands, along with the tenseness of her muscles, screamed it out loud. Remus did not insist and Arthur merely looked at the floor.

“We don’t want to keep you here for too long,” said Remus after a short but uneasy silence, “as I’m sure you’re eager to be home and relax… but may I offer you something to drink, at least?”

“Thank you, Remus, but I have a couple of things to do at home and I’ll be working early tomorrow morning, so well… I’d rather offer a drink than take one, if you don’t mind.”

“I get your point,” replied Remus, “but I’ll take one, however.”

Remus walked to the kitchen and took a glass from the cupboard, along with a bottle of wine. Molly did not even look at him and stored clean plates in the opposite side of the small kitchen. She really started to get on my nerves, which were rather fragile and touchy at the moment.

“So… how do you want us to proceed?” asked Arthur tentatively. “It’s the first time I’ve done this, so I hope you don’t mind me asking…”

“No, not at all,” I replied, as naturally as I could. “You can pour some of your blood into a glass, but the cut has to be quite deep and long… it might hurt more when it heals and well… some humans find the procedure disgusting, or disturbing at the very least. The other option is to let me Kiss you. I can even make the experience feel enjoyable for you… and the wound will heal much faster if I am both the one who inflicts it and takes it away.”

Arthur raised his eyebrows and ran an uneasy hand behind his neck.

“Arthur,” I said, “I appreciate your offer and it really touched me, believe me. But if you are having second thoughts about this, I will understand. I can find another way and simply take Blood potion for tonight. The opinion I have about you will not change one bit if you go home right now. Really.”

“Oh, it’s not that, Antanasia,” he hesitantly said. “I still want to give you some of my blood, and I will do it happily. But given the choices you gave me…”

“Here,” snapped Molly, startling us all by brutally putting a glass on the table with a small knife, which made a loud metallic sound. “Let’s get it happily done right now, then.”

“Molly,” I intervened, as calmly as I could, “if it is the sensual part that makes you uncomfortable, I can simply numb the pain and do nothing more… I have enough experience to achieve that kind of nuance.”

“It’s not the only worry I have. If you must know--”

“Molly…” repeated Arthur very softly, looking at her with a slight frown.

“No, no, I want to know what she is worried about,” I retorted, throwing her an irritated and defiant glare.

“How long has it been since last time you fed?” she edgily asked, before Remus could say anything.

“Ah, everything becomes clearer,” I sneered, feeling my throat getting narrower with humiliation. “You fear that I might give in to temptation and drink your husband dry if I locked my lips directly on his neck… a wizard I have known for months and respect, just like that! You know me very little, Molly. Very little indeed. Who do you take me for?”

“I think what Molly wanted to say was that…”

“I perfectly understand what Molly said, Arthur!” I snapped. “You know what? The hell with your blood! I do not want help from such disrespectful people as yourselves! Now if you will excuse me, the air is becoming unbreathable here… and anyway, I should get away from you… just in case I feel too hungry and swoop down on someone unexpectedly like… beasts do, I guess! Have a good night; you have ruined mine!”

I did not even walk my way upstairs; I Disapparated directly to my resting room and started unpacking at top speed with clenched teeth. If my departure mode did not allow me to slap my room’s door, I abundantly and uselessly slapped the closet’s doors and drawers shut as many times as I could. It did not lower the rage much, but it wasted some of my energy, a thing I did not possess in large quantities given my state and intense hunger.

Remus entered the room some fifteen minutes later, when he did not hear the racket I made anymore. I was sitting on a chair, tightly wrapped in Severus’ robes despite the humid heat that reigned in the room (it had apparently remained unused since my last stay). I scowled most unpleasantly when I saw that he was holding a glass filled with a think red liquid in his hand.

“Oh come on! Don’t tell me you’re not taking it! It would not do justice to Arthur if you threw it away,” said Remus with a slight frown.

“All right… pass it on,” I murmured, giving in to my hunger as much as I gave in to his unquestionable point.

Remus watched me drink with his usual acceptance; I suspected he did it a little to make sure I would take the whole glass, but I did not hold any grudge against him for that. Arthur’s blood, which I recognised at once to be his from the way it warmed my throat and brought a much needed comfort to my aching muscles, brought some colour to my cheeks and calmed my desperate senses at once. As soon as I handed the glass back to him, Remus poured Blood potion in it from a bottle he had kept behind his back.

“There… have some more… I think it is right at the temperature you like…”

“Remus,” I thoughtfully began, after taking a few sips of the warm liquid and following him downstairs to our familiar loveseat, “what do you think of all this?”

“All what?” he softly asked, seeming a bit puzzled.

“My condition… the baby… what do you think I should do?”

“I don’t have any opinion about that, Tasia,” he replied, embarassed. “And I should have none. I’m not the one who has to decide what to do; you are the one who has to make that decision.”

“Wrong. The two of us have to make that decision… at least, that is my wish… but that is not possible…” I sadly commented, looking at the empty fireplace.

“Then we must find Severus,” he resolutely said. “We must inform him of what is going on!”

“Albus did not tell you? If we could feel the baby’s presence, Severus could, too…. He knows what is going on, and believe me, this, if nothing else, keeps me up at day.”

“So what if he knows?” he exclaimed, after a few minutes of intense thinking. “He must come back and have a talk with you. He can’t just leave you behind like he did and take care of his own business as if nothing were happening!”

“I had reached the same conclusion last week, Remus, when I stopped trying to elaborate on stupid plans about putting him in front of an accomplished and irreparable fact for my own illusory revenge. But what would that discussion really bring me, I ask you? If he refuses to have that child with me, his or her fate will be the very same…”

“He could accept, Tasia,” he suggested, putting a warm hand on my arm.

“I do not want him to come back to me only because of that child, Remus! He broke up with me, it is over in his mind!”

“You cannot be certain of that…”

“Oh, please! Do not do that, Remus… do not give me false hopes!” I exclaimed, pushing his hand away but keeping my hand on his anyway. “If I have that disappointment again, I swear it will kill me…. It took me everything to bear it done once; I could not bear to survive it twice!”

I felt so doomed… the thought of Severus forcing himself back into a relationship with me, given all the suffering that dripped from each word in his letter, seemed horrifying to me all of a sudden. The thought of him acting merely like a feeding source was even worse; I could not imagine what it would be like to taste his essence and enjoy the sensuality of him each and every night for nine long months without being able to abandon myself into his arms afterwards!

Nevertheless, Remus’ words had a greater impact than I thought. He did give me a sense of hope, like the good and caring friend he was. At first, it made me welcome Arthur’s blood more willingly, after I apologised for my blunt outburst of temper. Arthur accepted my apologies instantly without the slightest trace of grudge. To my relief, he chose to come to the Headquarters right after work to avoid having to bring Molly along. He never cut his wrist again and let me drink directly from his neck; a gesture I appreciated, though I knew it was motivated in part by his very understandable preference to suffer less. If Molly reacted badly at the sight of the two bite marks on his skin, I never knew. Arthur knew how to be a real gentleman; he never told me anything about it and came every evening for a whole week without ever losing a bit of his natural good spirits.

Three nights after my arrival at Grimmauld Place, however, I started to seriously consider the options that were left to me, given the state of things and the steady passage of time. Arthur could not possibly act like my vessel forever; I knew that his blood would lose its power very soon. I tried to summon the most powerful of his fatherhood memories when I drank; he had countless of them given his numerous children and the way he dearly and unconditionally loved each and every one of them. Despite all my efforts, his blood already felt a bit cooler when it passed from my lips to my veins and reached the little magical nest inside of me. Remus frowned very worrisomely when I murmured to him that comment sadly, after Arthur left.

“It will soon not be enough…” I concluded, frowning as well.

“How many days since…”

“Twelve. They feel like years…”

Almost two weeks: time was definitely running short. Remus was trying to make me rest as much as possible and, indeed, I had been able to get some rest when he stayed by my side in the morning, stroking my hand, my back and my hair until I fell asleep in my coffin. Nevertheless, my whole being had been crushed under a tremendous stress and pressure since the emotional shock I had received when Severus left Hogwarts, and despite Albus’ and Arthur’s generosity and magical resources, I was not as physically strong and healthy as I needed to be. Poppy’s estimate was around six weeks; from the way I felt, I knew it was far too optimistic.

Every afternoon when I woke up, I went to find Remus in the house. Every afternoon, he gave me the same warm smile, shortly followed by a sad and disappointed one when he saw the usual question in my eyes. Severus had not written. Severus was still nowhere to be found.

“Do you want me to get Moody to help us with this?” he said, on the fifth afternoon. “He is used to tracking Death Eaters that are in hiding… I am sure he would have a good chance of finding him.”

“Remus, that can wait… we are not… I am not that desperate yet. He told Dumbledore that he would write; he will. I do not recall hearing anything about Severus not being true to his word when it comes to him.”

“I guess that’s right… but can you bear the waiting?”

“I have something to help me bear the waiting…”

I took out a piece of parchment from my pocket. Remus’eyebrows lifted in surprise when he acknowledged what was written on it.

“That was taken from Severus’ Hogwarts file!”

“Albus gave it to me, in case I would need to feed on one of Severus’ relatives. I wanted to wait until the timing would be critical… and I believe it is. I should send his father an owl now, given what is happening with Arthur’s blood.”

“But Tasia… his Hogwarts file! He left Hogwarts something like… eighteen years ago! How can we be sure that his father still lives at the same address?”

“We cannot. This is the best Albus could come up with. Severus did not mention any contact person for emergencies when he signed his contract at Hogwarts. His parents’ address is the only thing we have right now,” I explained.

“Not that I did not insist, you see,” rang Albus’ words in my mind, “but Severus merely said that he did not care to know his father’s whereabouts if he moved. He repeated over and over that he preferred to keep me as his contact person should something happen to him. That left me with his old school file only.”

I found a new roll of parchment in the drawing room and sat at a table to begin a very tricky letter. The name I read on the file was “Marcus Snape”…. I had known a few cainites by that name; most of them had earned it because of their fighting skills… or temper. The name came from Mars, the God of War… the bringer of war most of the time, according to the legends. I preferred the feel of his mother’s name by far. She was named Cordelia, and what I knew about the origins of that name was all good. From Latin, it meant warm-hearted, and from my own culture, it was the Celtic name for “daughter of the sea”. I had never thought of asking Severus about his parents’ names, and the thought of Mrs Snape’s name brought a new and even warmer feel to her shawl on my shoulders, as if I felt closer to her with that knowledge. Her name had been wisely chosen.

I would have much preferred to write a letter to her instead, but I was left with no choice. I wrote down the date and a formal opening sentence, but my quill stopped over the page after I marked the first period. I realised that not only had Severus told me nothing about his parents’ names, he had told me almost nothing about their existence. He never spoke of his father; the only time he had ever mentioned him was in my lab, in Zaharia, when he had given me a hint about the fact that his childhood had probably not been an ideal one. On the other hand, I knew that his mother liked to sing; she was apparently humming melodies all the time while doing the chores around the house. He had shared that tender memory with me very unexpectedly, while I was cleaning the lab equipment after an experimental trial. I remembered that it had particularly touched me to see what tenderness was dancing in his dark eyes as he looked at me from his side of the counter; he rarely allowed himself to share those kind of memories… and feelings….

“Ok, now that is not helping at all!” I exclaimed out loud, grinding the heels of my hands against my closed eyelids.

Remus’ head lifted from the book he was reading, but I promptly gestured him to go back to what he was doing. I quickly realised that I did not really knew what kind of request I wanted to make to Mr Snape. Telling him about my breed and my condition was tricky enough; I had to be sure I knew what help I wanted from him. In addition, the only factor that forced me to write that letter was Severus’ brutal departure. It would have been easy to give in to temptation and pour out some venom in my message about his behaviour. The first versions of the letter I made in my head had indeed some nasty remarks here and there, but it blurred the main point I wanted to make. So I opted for a short message in the best convincing tone I could find within me.

Dear Mr Snape,

Your son, Severus, probably never told you about me, so you do not know about my existence and I guess my owl comes as very unexpected to you. I have a very tricky request to make and I hope you will forgive me to importunate you with it today.

Severus and I were in a relationship but, on June 21st, he very unexpectedly decided to put it to an end. He left me no address where I could reach him and, since then, I have no indication of his whereabouts. I would normally respect his wish for distance but, to my surprise, we conceived a child the night before he left.

To understand the problem I am faced with, you must know that I am of cainite, or vampire, breed. That child cannot survive beyond a few weeks without his or her father’s blood. I find myself unable to proceed with abortion for the moment, not without debating the matter with Severus in person. I expect to have the occasion sooner or later, but time is already running short and the baby’s health will soon deteriorate. Therefore, I need to buy time for this baby and you can help me; drinking the blood of one of Severus’ relatives can help me keep the baby healthy for a few more weeks. Without it, I do not expect it to survive past mid-July.

I count on your understanding and generosity, Mr Snape. No matter what your relationship with your son is, please take into consideration the fact that it is I who make that request to you. I beg you, do not turn a deaf ear to a mother’s plea!

Whatever your answer is, I will be eagerly waiting for it. You can send the owl to Hogwarts. Address it to Mr Hagrid; your letter will reach me faster that way.

Best regards,

Antanasia of Zaharia

I reread the letter a few times and the more I did, the more it made sense to me. It was unfair to decide this child’s fate without Severus; I wanted to give it a chance, even if it was only a very, very slim one. And, along with the new hope that Remus had helped me let blossom, I did believe that the chance was there indeed.

Remus went to the owlery without me; he did not want me to be exposed to the sun too much in order to preserve my magical energy the best I could. While my friend was gone, I Flooed Hagrid to let him know that he was to expect an owl from Severus’ father and had to alert us at once when he did. Curiously, my request seemed to relieve him and put him more at ease towards me; I guess it gave him the impression that he knew how to react a bit better now that I gave him something precise to do in order to help me. Hagrid and I were not what I could call friends, but he had been a very enjoyable companion during our numerous strolls in the Forbidden Forest before, and even after, Severus and I got together.

When I drank from Arthur’s neck for the last time, four nights after my owl left to find Mr Snape, Hagrid’s head had still not shown itself in the fireplace. Arthur’s eyes glimmered with sadness and disappointment when I told him that his blood was no longer having a magical impact. He insisted on coming back a few more evenings, just for the sake of it, but his blood had become no better than any Blood potion I could brew myself. I refused.

“But he must be somewhere!” Remus exclaimed one evening, after he Flooed Hagrid to receive yet another negative answer. “He did not just vanish, like that! The owl should be able to find him!”

“It would take the owl several nights to find him even if he had just moved to a village nearby, Remus,” I calmly replied, while sewing one of his shirts. “If he moved to another country…”

“I refuse to think of that!” he affirmed. “How can you be so calm, Tasia? The wait is killing me!”

He shut his mouth even without me raising my eyes from my sewing. I had pushed the needle deep into my thumb when I heard his words, but my limbs felt too numb for me to care. The wait was killing him… it was not just killing him. Remus understood this at once and sat next to me very slowly. I barely felt the weight of his body when he took place in the loveseat. I removed the needle from my thumb and sucked on it, closing the small puncture with a flicker of my tongue. When I turned to Remus, he was looking at me with such sorrow and contained agitation that it forced me to swallow hard all the things those emotions mirrored in my own heart.

“Believe me, Remus,” I utterly replied, “I could scream… but what good would it do? It would not bring me relief. Not anymore. There is nothing left for me to do but wait now. And accept things the way they are.”

That was a lie and both of us knew it, but Remus respected my apparent apathy and sat there in silence while I went back to my task. In fact, I was considering a few options still. If Severus had not reached Albus, the latter could not contact him. However, Lord Voldemort was far from having the same problem. He could find Severus and even summon him to any place at will with the Dark Mark. I dreaded the idea of making such a request to the Dark Lord, and even more the thought of meeting Severus’ infuriated gaze in his presence, but I was determined to use that option if we still had no news after a few nights.

Those few nights came; Mr Snape’s owl did not.

~*~

Despite Remus’ worries and protestations, I wrapped Severus’ robes around my shoulders over his mother’s shawl and I Apparated to Diagon Alley. I easily found my way to the little back store that was used as a first Apparating antechamber. Unfortunately for me, the door was locked as usual and I did not know the right counter-spells to open it. Even after almost a year in Voldemort’s service, I had not been given the Dark Mark (thanks to Severus’ efforts) and therefore, I was not granted the privilege to enter the room on my own, even less to Apparate near the Death Eaters’ meeting room. I had good hopes, however, that sooner or later, I would meet somebody outside. Anybody. The number of new followers had rapidly increased and, given our very active presence in the Magical underground, I was sure I would meet a Death Eater that night.

I waited for three hours in the hot and humid evening. Homeless wizards and witches came to me and clung to the hem of my robes, begging for a few Knuts which I gave them to avoid attracting too much attention to myself. A prostitute, whose nasty remarks were becoming a bit too familiar, insulted me yet one more time. She kept ridiculing the robes I was wearing, which seemed a bit too big for me and did not suit me well. I only wrapped myself tighter in them and walked in circles in front of the door, turning a deaf ear to her raucous and vulgar fits of laughter. She miraculously found a client half an hour or so later; a relative silence invaded the gloomy street once again.

The soft creaking of the door around midnight rewarded my patient waiting. A small and plump figure slid out by the opening and slithered along the walls of the now almost motionless street, avoiding the dark lumps of sleeping people that laid here and there on the ground. I joined the tottering shadow in a few steps and tapped what I discerned to be a shoulder. The form gave out a squeak and turned in the blink of an eye.

The tip of a wand was pressed under my chin a split second later. In the dim light of the rare street lamps, I discerned the unshaven cheeks, the prominent teeth and anxious eyes of a wizard I recognised at once. If one thing, the smell of his cheap cologne would have betrayed his identity even in the darkest room. I tried not to wince.

“Antanasia?” he whispered worrisomely, before I could speak.

“Yes. I need to talk to you,” I whispered back, standing very close to him so our height difference would intimidate him.

“Why me?”

“Not really you in particular… I need to speak to… one of us, you see my point?”

“What do you want?” he retorted defensively, throwing worried side-glances around him and lowering his wand.

“Can we get into the back store? We will talk more easily there,” I suggested.

Pettigrew hesitated for a few seconds. He apparently did not like the idea of spending some time alone with me in an enclosed space, but the uneasiness he felt standing in a street so close to Diagon Alley, vulnerable to an Auror’s attack should he be sighted, won him over and he motioned me to follow him. Once the door was securely closed behind us, he lit the tip of his wand and repeated his question.

“I need to speak with the Dark Lord. Can you Apparate me to him?”

“Why do you need to speak to him?” he suspiciously asked.

“I think that is something that concerns the Dark Lord and myself, Pettigrew,” I calmly replied, as politely as I could.

“As his personal and most trusted assistant, I can take you to the Master, Antanasia,” he pompously declared, “but he will not receive you at this time without a very good reason. And I, for one, will not disturb him without a good reason either.”

From the little I knew about the man, I was aware that he was half serious… and half trying to gather information. I had not really prepared any fake reason to motivate my request to the Dark Lord; I was ready to tell him the truth, but only kept it as a last and indispensable card. Therefore, I opted to play along, in part, with the small wizard.

“If you must know, I want to see the Dark Lord because I need to speak to Severus,” I said, as matter-of-factly as I could.

“I thought the two of you worked together, no? How come you cannot speak to him directly?”

“Severus does not have to report to me all the time, Mister Pettigrew,” I dully commented, as if the answers to his questions were obvious. “He left for his holidays and did not tell me where he went; he was only supposed to contact me if I was summoned for a meeting… which he has not, so far.”

“And why is it so urgent for you to speak to him?” insisted the infernally vicious man. “It cannot wait until the next meeting?”

“I am afraid it cannot.”

“So it is urgent, eh?” he softly squeaked, his tone changing from suspicious to cruelly satisfied. “And I guess it is very important, too, if you must come at this time of the night to importunate the Master himself with your request…”

“I guess you could conclude such a thing, yes,” I flatly replied, starting to feel nervous.

Pettigrew said nothing and kept looking at me… and then he smiled. He smiled with a smile so wide and genuine that it lifted and coloured his voluminous cheeks and reduced his small eyes to two little slits. When he started shifting his weight contemptuously back and forth on the balls of his feet, my nervousness became a growing sense of alarm.

“Well?” I prompted, with impatience piercing through my voice. “Are you going to help me or not?”

“Oh, how deliciously right you put it, just there,” he sneered, still smiling horribly wide. “Help you… that is exactly what you want from me, isn’t it? Help! No, Antanasia, I will not give you my help. I will let you stand here helpless, useless, like a fool! Just like you let me stand in front of the whole crowd, not so long ago!”

“It was months ago, be reasonable!” I pleaded, feeling cold sweat starting to ooze in my back.

“Some wounds run deep, Miss Antanasia,” he added in a lower voice, just as the corners of his lips slowly did the same. “I have not forgotten the way you treated me. I don’t think you have the right to claim anything from me after what you did to me!”

“I had no choice, Mister Pettigrew! He chose you as my vessel; refusing his gift might have put us both in trouble, you know that!”

“I know that!” he angrily replied. “But did you have to make it that painful for me? Did you have to humiliate me the way you did? That was your choice, Antanasia, and that choice is going to cost you, I tell you.”

“How much?” I impulsively asked, very foolishly, I must admit.

“For now? That encounter you were seeking. From what you tell me, it had nothing to do with the Dark Lord’s interests; I will not be punished for not helping you.”

“You cannot be sure!” I bluffed. “I can still tell him of your behaviour! I am still my Clan’s emissary!”

“It will be your word against mine anyway, emissary,” he mocked, bending into a bow.

“You fool! Get out of my way!” I blurted out, rushing towards the door.

“You’re not going anywhere!” he spat, sending a jet of blue light against the door, which refused to open when I pulled on it.

“Release me! You have no right to keep me here against my will! I did not come here to hurt you; do not force me to do it!”

“Don’t worry; I won’t start a duel here, though I could very well do it, you know, now that you mention it. I don’t fear you.”

“Then what do you want? What?” I said, my voice quivering a bit more than I wanted as I walked towards him.

“Answer me,” he aggressively growled, while he grabbed my wrist with his powerful silvery hand, twisted my arm in my back and forced me on my knees. “Why do you want to see Snape? Why is it so urgent for you to see that old Snivellus?”

I snorted derisively; I needed to buy some time to plan my way out of there. The grip of his magical hand prevented me from Apparating myself away from him.

“You would never dare calling him this in his face!”

“Don’t try to change the subject!” he barked, a little less convincingly already, which was not necessarily a good sign. “Answer me!”

“This is between me and Severus! It is personal!” I exclaimed, trying not to moan from his tightened grip.

“Personal in what manner?” he growled, speaking disgustingly close to my ear.

“In a manner that is not your concern! Let me go!”

“How do I know you are not planning an attack on the Dark Lord?”

“Is that what you are worried about?” I chuckled, in both a nervous and genuine way. “Do you think me stupid enough to attempt an attack alone? And have me accompanied by a Death Eater, as well? Even if I attempted such a thing and succeeded, the elders would have me executed for it back home! I am not that stupid; I know where my interests lie!”

The words I chose seemed to bring him to some reason; I was speaking a language he understood only too well: the language of cowards. The grip loosened, and after a few seconds of silence only broken by our mutual panting, he completely let go of me.

“Fine. You can just stay here on the floor and wait in case he finds you.”

“Is he… is he in there with the Dark Lord right now?”

“We had a meeting; he was summoned along with all the older followers. As far as I’m concerned, I’m through with you.”

I first made a move towards him in attempt to hold him back and try again to make me Apparate in the antechamber, but then I thought, “Of course, you silly girl! There is no other way out! Just get rid of him and wait!”

I got up in anticipation, and then understood how wrong the whole thing was. Pettigrew, no matter how he bragged about it, was indeed the Dark Lord’s personal assistant. He always left the meetings last.

“Wait! Please, wait!” I called, and he stopped. “Was the meeting over when you left? Is he still there?”

He merely snorted and gave me a look of vengeful satisfaction.

“Yesterday? Sure!” he disdainfully said, turning the jolt I felt in my stomach into a painful cramp. “There was only me tonight, and I don’t expect us to meet again for the rest of the month.”

And on this, he walked out and closed the door behind him. I heard him laugh as he walked away, a squeaky giggle that was punctuated with disgraceful snorts. That wizard was really as mean as a rat and as disgusting as a pig. I was not surprised he had spent so many years in his Animagus form.

Despite a strong desire to stay right where I was and wait to see for myself what part of Pettigrew’s statements was the truth, I did not linger in there. It was too dangerous. If he had refrained from attacking me with serious and harmful intentions, it might not be the case with other Death Eaters such as Macnair, for example. I was not in shape for any form of fighting. Remus was right; I had to spare all the magical resources I could keep.

As I went down the old house’s stairs and met Remus in the dining room, however, the look of hope fading away from his eyes when he seized the expression on my face almost made me believe that the game was really over this time.

“What is today\'s date?” he softly asked, an hour or so after I told him bribes of my evening.

“July 5th…” I murmured, before giving out a little moan.

“What is it? Does it hurt?”

“It has been a year, to the night, since Severus met me in Zaharia for the first time.”

“Well…” he began, placing a comforting arm around my shoulders. “Is it a good or a bad anniversary?”

“You tell me…” I replied, bringing my legs to my chest and leaning my chin on my knees.

~*~

“Remus?”

“Yes, Tasia,” said the patient voice next to my coffin.

“Is…” I hesitated. “Is it bad if a part of me is still in love with him?”

“I don’t know for sure, sweetheart… but I think I would be worried more if you actually believed that part wasn’t there.”

“Should I do something about it, then?”

“I think you should sleep for now, Tasia.”

“If you say so…”

~*~

One more agonizing week passed. And we waited. That was all we could do, wait. We Flooed Hagrid and Albus regularly, but they were left as clueless as we were. Towards the end of that week, I started to get more and more the impression that we were waiting for the miscarriage to happen instead of waiting for Severus, or his father, to give us a sign. That made the waiting impossible to endure; I had to get busy.

Once Remus fell asleep, I sneaked out into the night and went for long, very long walks in London. I went in every street, in every backyard, flying my way from place to place if I had to. I summoned all my self-control to sharpen my Legilimency skills and sought his presence through London, then through England, and then flew and Apparated as far as on the highest peaks of Scotland and in the largest valleys of Ireland. I questioned the winds, I questioned the rain, all the trees I could find, the Thames, the rivers, from the small and giggling stream to the roaring torrents. To all of them, I told his name; to all of them, I whispered pleas destined to his soul. To all of them, I cried my desperate request, my fading hope.

Nothing. Just the silence of the night.

It all came down to the same conclusion. The same fact I took from granted from the very beginning. Severus did not want to be found.

When I came back to the Headquarters one morning with that statement pounding in my ears like the ancient beats of my motionless heart and the first burning cramps twitching my insides, Remus was waiting for me.

“It has begun,” I simply said, pushing his open arms away from me. “It will be over soon.”

I walked straight to my resting room and nearly drained a bottle of Sleeping Draught to numb my entire being into what would be my last night of rest before the events I dreaded.

The following evening, renewed and more intense cramps shook me out of the grogginess caused by the potion. Remus was still waiting for me.

“Here,” he said, handing me a wet towel, “your face is covered with sweat. Are you hot?”

“Very. Thank you, Remus… for being there.”

It took him a while to understand why I threw Severus’ robes on my shoulders along with Mrs Snape’s shawl and asked him to fly me to the Forbidden Forest. We argued for many useless hours; he asked me countless times to let him bring me to St Mungo’s, where competent Healers could give me proper medical assistance. But I knew that what was about to happen was, unfortunately, one of the most natural things in the world, just like giving birth was. There was no risk of me dying from it. That was, I thought at times, unfortunate also.

“The Healer we saw told us it would last only a few hours, Remus,” I argued, with a voice that was getting tense with frustration and pain.

“Up to two days, he said, Tasia!”

“Oh, I doubt it will be that long!” I exclaimed with a wince.

“I don’t want to leave you alone through this! No way,” he unequivocally declared.

“Then take your broomstick and fly me there! That is the most important thing you can do for me!” I pleaded, while tears started to fill my eyes. “I need to feel the earth beneath me, to hear the wind in the trees… to listen to that stream, Remus, and you know why. You, who face suffering every month, you should understand that! Would you not prefer facing the full moon in a place of your choice where you feel the most reassured?”

“I’ll be back in a few minutes,” he finally said, after a long silence.

We Apparated near Hogsmeade in a field, and then we flew to the Forbidden Forest, with me gripping Remus’ clothes very tight. Following my instructions, he landed near the lime-trees and the little stream I usually went to, each time I needed nature’s comforting presence. He made sure I had enough reserves of Pain Control potion and, after telling me three times in a row that he would be waiting in Hagrid’s hut until I gave him the signal we had agreed on, he left me alone at last.

No matter how attentive and caring my sweet friend was, I just could not bear the sight of his suffering when he looked at me. I had enough of my own.

I sat on the old trunk and tried to collect my thoughts. The Healer had explained that the loss of the magical bounds was the most painful part; my body would try to compensate until the very last second. She said that the embryo would then be expelled relatively quickly. She mentioned that most women, when they miscarried at that stage, mostly felt only as if they were having their menses. Menses was a term that had not meant anything to me for centuries. What she also had said but not understood, because she was not from my kind and much too young despite her somewhat sixty years of age, was that I would unfortunately be extremely aware of each and every change in my body and the embryo, given my cainite senses that were particularly sharp because of my age, and the magical bounds that linked me to my child. To me, that would be nothing like having menses.

As I sat there thinking about all this, a powerful cramp forced me to bend in two. I wrapped my arms around my stomach and let out a muffled moan. What struck me afterwards was even more painful. I felt the baby’s presence with much more accuracy, all of a sudden. It was as if, I thought with despair, the baby wanted to scream its request one more time, in one last attempt to survive. That one last time, the voice I heard told me something more. My moan broke into sobs and my words, though barely whispered, resounded like thunder in the forest’s silence.

“My little boy! Stay with me, please! I am sorry! I am so sorry! Forgive me, my little one!”

It lasted about seven hours. That is what I estimated by the position of the moon in the sky above the trees. The pain increased a lot, despite the potion I took, and it became terrible to endure. But that pain was nothing compared to the feeling of my soul being brutally torn away from that other soul I barely began to know, flickering in the depths of me, but still screaming, “Do not let me go! Do not let me die!”

When that scream became too much for me, I gave in to panic and shamelessly called for my mother. I knew she could not respond, but the forest, Cerridwen, finally answered my call. I stumbled my way to the stream and curled up next to the water, which was still giving out its crystalline babble. I plunged my hand in the stream and let Cerridwen carry my voice, which was completely silent to the human ear now, but vibrated through the elements everywhere around me. The heat of the previous nights did not reach the soil in the forest, because the lace of leaves in the trees above my head did not let much light through during the day. The earth had a pleasant smell, warm and rich, mixed with the soft and almost sugary smell of the grass and vegetation that grew next to the stream. I grabbed that grass and pressed my face against it, hoping to get some freshness from its touch while I bit Severus’ robes when new cramps tortured me like invisible knifes plunging through my flesh.

For a long time, I longed for it and prayed… and my wish was granted. The water began forming small waves against my hand, which became more and more precise with the passing minutes, until at last I felt a friendly hand grasping mine and firmly clutch it. When she spoke, I broke in tears again and was rendered speechless by the narrowness of my throat and my nearly hyperventilating breathing, but she did not need me to speak. She had found her way to me.

“I am here, my love,” whispered Valerica’s voice among the trees while her watery fingers stroked my hand reassuringly. “Fear no more; you are not alone… I will stay here with you until the end.”

She whispered reassuring words and sweet encouragements for the rest of the night, which was already retreating and leaving the sky greyer than black. I felt small, so small, powerless and insignificant, curled up in pain under those ancient trees, surrounded by the forces and lives of so many creatures! My little boy’s soul flickered a last few times like a rebellious leaf against the harsh wind of November, but my body completed its betrayal and let go of the magical bounds that formed his nest. A flow of warm liquid against my inner thighs… a few stabbing stings in my lower abdomen and it was over.

One more star was lit in the sky, just before sunlight hid it from my view.

Valerica stayed true to her words; I felt her hand in mine until I collapsed, in complete mental and physical exhaustion. She was still there when Remus, as the stubborn and incredible friend he was, came to the stream and found me when the sun had risen. She reassured him that I was alive and well, given the circumstances, and gave him instructions about the course of action he should take. I woke up in my coffin and found my body washed of any trace of the trauma I had gone through… and thoughtfully wrapped in Severus’ robes.

“Hi,” I feebly whispered to the blurry image that looked like Remus’ face close to mine.

“Hello, pumpkin,” he whispered back, putting a warm hand on my forehead. “How do you feel? Are you in any pain?”

“Not really. Just a dull burning sensation.”

“You want some potion to help you with it?”

“No, thank you.”

My hands slid down my sides and joined on my lower abdomen. How could I explain it rationally to him? I did not want that pain to go away just yet. My womb felt so desperately empty after what happened; that pain was the only thing that was left of my little boy’s presence in there. The only proof that he had, indeed, existed for me. Remus was a sensitive and adorably sweet soul; he would have understood if I had taken the time to talk to him. But from that moment when I woke up, and even more when the pain finally left me and made me feel even emptier, hollow and useless, a part of me shut the door and retreated away from other beings, mortal or not.

Remus did not like my silence; he said that this one was far worse to hear than the calm way in which I had first waited to receive the owls we longed for so desperately. All I could do during the first few nights of my convalescence was sit at Remus’ side in stoic silence and stillness, waiting not for something to come at last, but just for the night to vanish and be replaced by morning. And the peaceful oblivion of sleep.

But sleep, as you might suspect, was not peaceful, because it did not plunge me into oblivion at all. On the contrary, I was haunted by dreams about Severus, about Severus and me, about my moments in the Forbidden Forest. They went on and on in my mind, often until I got tired of fighting them and simply got up.

Albus was the first to show his head in the fireplace; he seemed truly sorry to learn about my miscarriage and offered me his most sincere sympathies. We talked for a while and he reiterated his job offer for the fall, reminding me that I was welcome to spend more time at the Headquarters or go to what were still my quarters and lab at Hogwarts, if that was my wish.

“You will still be very needed this year, Antanasia,” he assured me, reacting to my lack of answer. “However, I do not want you to feel obligated to me; you have done a lot of things for the Order and you can still be of great help to us even from here. The choice is yours.”

“Let me think about it for a while, Albus,” I sternly replied. “I will give you my answer as soon as I can.”

“As you wish, Antanasia.”

Albus talked with Remus about a few things that needed to be taken care of with the missions Moody and Shacklebolt were involved in for the Order, and I chose that moment to retreat once more. I went back to the book I was reading, turning my back to the fireplace. Albus said goodbye and meant to leave, but just before he removed his head from the fiery green flames, I made one request.

“When he does decide to write, Albus,” I icily declared, with my back still turned to the fireplace. “Tell him it was a little boy. I have nothing else to say to him.”

“Very well,” said the old wizard, with a touch of disappointment in his voice.

Fortunately, Albus’ visit to the Headquarters shook me a bit off my apathy. It made me remember that my afterlife, though scarred and changed, was still going on. I had to do something with it. The job I had in Hogwarts had its advantages and charms; I wanted to allow myself some thinking time until September, until Severus would come back, and see if our interactions were tolerable or not. For that, I had to take my place again in our working space and see if it still fit me. So, despite Remus’ protestations, I went back to Hogwarts and took up our research projects from exactly where we had left them. Severus had told me that his supplies were at my disposal; I used them abundantly without a second thought. Without a first emotion, for that matter.

Curiously, it was barely one night after I left, in mid-July, that Severus’ owl finally reached Albus. It was short, to the point, and insisted that Albus must not reveal his whereabouts to me at any cost. The old wizard popped his head in the lab’s fireplace immediately after he read the parchment. He informed me of the letter’s arrival, and of his letter that had just left, which informed Severus of the past weeks’ events, along with my personal message to him.

He did not provide any news about how Severus was doing. I did not ask; I went to his quarters and hung his robes in his closet instead. And never touched them again.

I worked restlessly from early evening to early morning, systematically refusing Hagrid’s invitations for a stroll in the Forest or a cup of tea in his hut. I remained constantly vigilant to any sign of movement in the fireplace or windows, despite myself. Some green flames erupted in the lab’s fireplace twice, and once in my quarters in early evening. Nothing else appeared there, however, and those occurrences completely stopped two nights after Albus’ visit. I worked even harder.

Towards the third week of July, to my astonishment, I finally found the right way to brew the Blood detox potion. I celebrated my findings with a large goblet of cognac-flavoured liquid, which I drank alone on a stool in the lab, and carried the only disappointment that it did not intoxicate me as much as its taste promised. I would have strangely wished to be drunk, that particular time.

I continued my efforts on brewing several varieties of tastes, and had already bottled five samples when July definitely prepared itself to leave. We were in the middle of a heatwave and the temperature was tolerable in the dungeons, given their location, but the numerous fires in the lab made it particularly trying during that last week. I Transfigured one of the lab’s stools into a Recamier, similar to the one I had in my resting room in Zaharia. It allowed me to take small pauses when potions were in their simmering phases. During those times, I usually simply let the castle’s almost complete silence wrap me like a cold but most welcome blanket, matching the silence that muffled everything inside my head and heart.

I was lying there, that night, shortly before morning came, wearing only my bra and underwear because of the still very present and disgustingly humid heat. In my attempt to cool off, I became so relaxed that I almost dozed off, completely unaware that I was about to receive an earth shattering shock that would give me back my capacity to feel.

A few minutes after my mind got clear of all the formulas and technical incantations that crowded it, a single finger caressed my skin, as light as a feather, going from my cleavage up to my chin. I startled violently and got to my feet in the blink of an eye, ready to fight the impertinent, but found myself despite all possible expectations in front of a smiling…

“Ivantie!”

~*~

AUTHOR’S NOTES
Comments and reviews are always appreciated and needed! I have noticed a significant drop in my number of hits (and reviews) since Tasia and Severus got together (chapter 16 - I forgive...)... are you guys getting bored or is the story too long or is it just summer kicking in...?

I am currently working on chapter 20, and I have good hopes that it will be posted next week. Thanks, so much, for your patience! :o)