Snapey Went A Courting

Snapey Went A Courting

It all belongs to Rowling, except what you don’t recognize.

Chapter 26 – The Best of Both Worlds


“Ronald Weasley!”

The image haunted Ron for years to come. It was, after all, quite a sight: a half-dozen witches all grabbing their wands-- from under pillows, under the bed, on the nightstand, in the nightstand drawer, one even was using hers as a hair stick—and hexing his mum! He watched in horror as his mother seemingly disappeared.

“By Merlin’s Balls, what have you done?” he cried, erection dwindling to nothing.

“Who was that, Ronnikins?” asked Hope.

“Rather a beaky thing, just barging on in!” said Babs.

“That was me Mum!” whimpered Ron.

“Your Mum! Well, doesn’t she know to knock first?” asked Gertie.

“Must have been born in a barn, that one!” quipped Faith.

“I can’t believe you all! That was me Mum!” repeated Ron in high dudgeon.

He grabbed his robe from the back of the wardrobe and went over to where he’d last seen her standing. On the floor was lying a two-inch high figurine. On closer inspection, he realized that it wasn’t a figurine at all—it was her!

“We heard you, deary, but her being your mater is no excuse!” exclaimed Charity.

“Why she could have walked into an orgy, or something!” laughed Sally.

“Orgy or something. Get her! That’s a good one!” They all started tittering.

Ron inspected what was left of his mum. Her hair was all frizzy and pink, sort of like she’d been hit by lightning, and her shoes were gone, instead there were cloven hoofs. She had a pig’s snout and a cat’s ears and tail. She seemed a bit stunned and then came round. She started yelling, though he could barely hear her and it sounded to be in Urdu or some other exotic language.

“Mum!” Ron wailed in despair.

“Well, she certainly has buggered up the evening,” sniffed Gertie.

“Shut up. Shut up all of you. It’s me Mum!” Ron was getting more than a might fed up with their attitudes.

“Well, what’s her problem, coming in uninvited?” mused Hope.

“It’s all my fault. I sort of told her a white lie.”

“Oooooh. Do tell, Ronnie!” said Sally, bouncing up and down on the bed.

“I told her the papers were all making it up about the harem and as a joke I was going along with it.”

“Naughty Ronnie! Ought to get a spanking for that!” said Faith.

“Say. Wasn’t your Dad announcing in the paper today that he would run for Minister of Magic if Fudge really did opt to step down?” said Babs.

“He did! I bet that’s why she came over!” said Charity, pleased with her acuity.

Tears started coming down Ron’s face. “What am I going to do? Look, you all have got to change her back.” His voice began to break

“Best take her to St. Mungo’s, Ronnikins. Six different hexes at once? Could be permanent,” said Hope.

“Mum!” Ron gently put down his mother on the bed. She seemed to be dancing the Tarantella. He quickly pulled on a robe and trainers. With shaking hands, he grabbed his wand and picked up his mother, cradling her carefully in his hand. He practically ran from the bedroom. There was a sound of his floo’ing to St. Mungos.

“You know girls,” said Babs thoughtfully, “I get the feeling Ronnie’s not coming back.”

&&&


Dean Thomas was looking out of the window of Gladrags, enjoying the morning sun, when he saw him coming.

“Uh-oh, Lavender. Professor Snape at eleven o’clock and he’s looking angry.”

Lavender Brown put down her copy of Witch’s Weekly and joined her friend at the window. “No, I don’t think it’s anger so much as a fierce determination. Like he has the wind up.”

“Or is constipated. Oh, Merlin. It looks like he’s coming here. And he has bags with our logo on them.”

They looked at each other in alarm, “The clothing!”

“Now, don’t panic, Dean. Do you think he didn’t care for the retro look?”

“Oh, I knew you went too far with that pith helmet!”

“Well, it looked good in that Muggle film, The Mummy.”

“But you think anything looks good on that yank, Brendan Fraser!”

“Take a deep breath, Dean. You’ll faint if you keep breathing like that. Look, you go in the back. I’ll handle him. He’s a man, right? If that frump Hermione Granger could seduce him—“

“Thank you, Lavender!” Dean ran for the stockroom.

Lavender adjusted her D cups and undid the top three buttons of her robes. He only looks like he pisses ice water, she thought, as the door opened and Snape walked in.

“Why Professor Snape! Such a pleasure to see you,” oozed Brown. “And what can we do for you today? More Muggle clothing?” She knew she was in trouble when he gave her ‘the look.’ She’d seen both Neville and Harry receive it many a time and had shuddered for them both. But now it was her turn!

“Miss Brown!” Snape slammed a copy of Gentlemen’s Quarterly on the display case behind which Brown cowered. “You and your colleague have played your last nasty trick.”

“Oh, Professor Snape. Were you not satisfied? But they all looked sooooo… wonderful on you.”

“You are doing it too brown, Miss Brown.” He gave a half smile at his own wit. “I want my money back.”

“Oh... Well… But, I am only authorized to give store credit and—“

“My money…”

Lavender stood there and sudden inspiration hit. “Of course, but first you simply must view our infant collection. Oooh, the most adorable Quidditch uniform for newborns just came in yesterday. And in Slytherin colors!” She smiled and held the smile. Long seconds ticked by…

Snape stood there. She waited.

“Would you also have Gryffindor colors as well?”

There was a thump from the storeroom as Dean Thomas fainted.

Lavender, as pale as a sheet, quavered, “Yes, right this way.”

Forty-five minutes later, and 40 Galleons lighter in pocket in spite of the store credit, Snape emerged with his son’s new wardrobe.

&&&

Hermione had just finished feeding Waldo and was about to give him a bath before his morning nap when there was a knock at the door. Still holding her son, she went to answer it.

At the door was a willowy Witch of indeterminate age. She had long black hair and her black eyes were lit by a strange intensitHermHermione instincts went on alert.

“Yes, may I help you?”

“You are Hermione Granger?”

“Yes, and you are?”

“Just a friend. I wanted to see if I could help with your campaign.”

“It’s not really been announced yet. If you will come back after the press conference,” Hermione tried to close the door but the Witch had quickly glided in past her.

“I just wonder how you intend to be able to win as opposed to just playing at politics. It is your sincere intention to become Minister of Magic, is it not?”

The sharpness of the Witches voice made Hermione keenly wish that Teaseh wasn’t out back in the yard building an infant swingset for Waldo.

“I fully intend to do my best, Madam… May I have your name please?”

“I can guarantee you the position.”

“I highly doubt anyone can do that.”

“At a very simple price—“

“Please leave, now.” Waldo had picked up on his mother’s tension and was starting to fuss. Hermione’s instincts were going wild. This woman meant her ill. “I have no interest in whatever you have to sell.”

“And yet you claim you want this position? People are backing you, giving you their money.”

“Out!”

The Witch began to pace the room as she worked herself up. Hermione sensed more than saw the evil powers draw closer to her, like shadows forming and darkening in every corner of the room.

“Please let me put my son down.”

“SWEAR that you will not marry Severus Snape and the position is yours for the taking.”

She wouldn’t hurt us. Not with my son in my arms. No one would hurt a baby, thought Hermione, and then she remembered what had happened to Harry as an inf He Hermione went for her wand.

“EXPELLIARMUS” screamed the Witch.

Hermione held tightly and protected her son as she was thrown back into the couch. “What do you want?” Hermione cried out.

“Swear to renounce any claims you have on Severus Snape.”

“You are mad! He’s the father. Whatever is your problem, let me put my child in a safe place and we’ll discuss it.”

“Do you think I give a shit for that British bastard whelp of yours?” The Witch’s eyes glinted in hatred. Hermione’s heart sank. “I’ll kill you both and solve the problem.”

The baleful energies that had been gathering around the woman suddenly swooped into her as she began an incantation in Greek.

Hermione tried to get up to get away, but her ankle, damaged when hit by the Expelliarmus, refused to carry her weight.

A strange, red, pulsing light emerged from the Witch and focused into her wand. Just as the light was about to hit Hermione and her son, Teaseh appeared out of thin air and took the curse sent at her mistress.

Teaseh screamed, along with Hermione and the now wailing Waldo. The House Elf, though bleeding from both her eyes and ears, lifted her trembling hand and a blast of power from it hit the Witch and sent her flying back against the wall.

Hermione put Waldo down on the couch beside her and crawled to the House Elf. She cradled the Elf’s injured body and rocked her slowly. “Teaseh.”

“Teaseh very sorry for any trouble Teaseh caused Miss Granger. Teaseh wants to be a good Elf.”

“You are Teaseh.”

“Miss Granger better attend to Waldo. Young master is crying.”

With a sob, Hermione dragged herself and Teaseh over to where Waldo was and put them both on her lap. Once latched on, Waldo quieted. Teaseh smiled and closed her eyes.

Hermione was sobbing too much to notice the Witch shakily get up and head out the door.

&&&

Snape Apparated to the alleyway next to the local newsagents for the Muggle neighborhood that he now lived in with his family. He picked up an Aero bar for Hermione, since he’d forgotten to stop by Honeydukes for a treat for her. He walked home, feeling quite cheerful about his new purchases. Of course, he had no idea how he was going to pay for it all once the credit card payment became due, but it was a beautiful morning and he was—in love!

His good mood ended when he reached the front walk and he saw someone that could be none other than his mother emerge from his new home. His breath caught. Her hair was messy and she was unsteady on her feet. She saw him and began walking to him. They met halfway on the path.

“MotheWhatWhat are you doing here?” he asked cautiously.

Achlys smiled. “I heard you have taken up living with the Mudblood. I came here to make a proposal.”

Snape shook his head. “I have no interest in anything you might have to offer.”

“Hear me out, son.” Achlys then did something that Snape could never image her doing. She dropped her glamour.

Snape stared at the woman. Her skin was pale and sallow with huge dark circles under her eyes. Her hair was greasy and streaked with grey. Her nose was even larger and more hooked than his!

“Well, make it quick and then I wish to never see you near Hermione or my son again.”

Her eyes flared with fury but she controlled herself. “Give up the bitch and her spawn. Come to Athens with me and we find you a decent wife-- A pure blood, someone befig thg the name of Papakonstantinakopoulos. She will have big tits and an big arse and she’ll give you many good children, not like that Mudblood whore you got there in that love nest.” She sneered.

“Get out of here.” Snape’s voice was dangerously low and even.

“Promise me you leave her, turn your back on them both and you can have your patrimony. I got right here the deed to Snape Manor made out to you. Just a Wizard’s promise and it’s yours. I will leave the country and you will never hear from me again.” There was a note of desperation in her voice.

“Get away from me, Woman!” Snape felt like he was going to lose control and push her, hit her, anything to get her away and out of his sight.

She simpered and looked around her wildly. “You are as stupid as that lily white father of yours. You are nothing! Nothing! I hate the British. I hate this cold, shitty country. I regret I ever spread my legs for your father.”

Just then, Cornelius Fudge’s head appeared out of nowhere in the street.

“Oh, Achlys, my little butterfly! Come flutter to me! Time to hunt for our villa.”

Dread crossed her face just before the glamour went back up and erased the ugly passions that had possessed it.

“Just one moment my Hippogriff of Love,” she warbled back at him. “The Anglo-Saxon idjiot is here, so I must leave,” she hissed in a whisper. “Fuck you, so you finally grew some balls and can stand up to me, eh?” A muscle in her jaw began to pulse. She took a rolled up scroll and thrust it into his hands. Then she jabbed him in the chest with her long, bony finger as she said, “Don’t ever say I never gave you nothing, Sonny Boy!” And she turned and silkily walked to where Fudge’s head was suspended.

Snape was rooted to the spot as he watched his mother get into the invisible coach with the soon to be ex-Minister of Magic. As Fudge closed the door to the vehicle they both disappeared. Snape opened the scroll—it was the deed to Snape Manor! A cold chill ran down his spine.

“Hermione!” He dropped his bags and ran to her, terrified of what he might find inside the garden flat.

&&&

John Snape sat down in the lawn chair, his demitasse of café and a plate of gateau was on the small table beside him. It was his 75th birthday celebration and his entire family had gathered at the cottage to celebrate. He should have been happy, and yet a shadow hung over him.

“John!”

John looked up as Quinn the Pookah took a seat next to him. “Lovely family you have here! Big one, too. I like big families, always so festive!”

He smiled, “And did you bring your granddaughter for me to meet?”

“Yes, I did. She’s having a café au lait and some of your birthday cake over by that table. I think she’s attracted a suitor, too. I’ll take you over to her in a few minutes-- I wouldn’t want to scare the young man off. Ah, and I brought you a birthday present.”

John looked at the book, “’Life among the Faerie’ by Daisy as told to Colvin Creavey. Well thank you, I think.”

“It’s an expose of the Queen’s Court. Daisy really dishes the dirt. And there’s a story behind it. I’ll tell it to you over a hot, mulled wine on some long winter’s night. So, how are you doing?”

“I’m grateful that the Faerie King will let me spend most of my time here. It would kill me not to be with my family.”

“Well, he just doesn’t like the fact that you are mortal. Once we immortals form an attachment, it is very painful to watch you grow old and die. Quite depressing, it is! So by spending one week a month with him, your life will be prolonged and we get to have you around a bit longer.”

“You’ve become a good friend, dear Pookah.”

“It’s lucky for both of us that the King has mellowed. I get to come and go pretty much as I please now. Ah, the best of both worlds I—“

Just then John Snape stood up, looking as if he’d seen a ghost, “Please excuse me, Quinn.” He quickly walked through the crowd of playing children and laughing, talking adults to where he thought he’d seen…

“Severus?”

The younger Wizard coldly put out his hand, “John Snape. We meet again. You surely didn’t think I wouldn’t track you down?”

John felt himself go cold. “Would you care to take a walk? Around the millpond perhaps? It’s more private what with all the cattails and such.”

Snape nodded. Once they were out of sight of the party, John stopped and confronted his son.

“This should be a good spot. Well, let’s get it over with, shall we?”

Snape lifted a brow. “Get what over with?”

“You don’t need to play games. You are here to kill me, aren’t you? Well, I shan’t beg or plead for mercy. I deserve it, so go ahead.”

Snape chuckled. “Temping as the thought is, no. Years ago, I would have in a heartbeat.”

“What changed?”

“You abandoned me, yes. However, I believe I can accept it now, since you did make good by rescuing me. That didn’t come without a price.”

John looked somber for a moment and then he smiled. He clapped his son on the arm. “You’ve been talking to people.”

“Hermione and Quinn. Yes.”

“Well, well,“ he sighed and then took his son in a bear hug. “Thank you for forgiving me.”

Snape accepted the hug awkwardly and quickly broke away, “Would you like to see Waldo? He’s here with Hermione.”

“Hmmm. She’s quite a Witch. You are a lucky dog. Let’s go. Suzette will be suspicious if we stay too long. Oh, Merlin, Suzette. She’s going to know,” he went pale.

“We can leave.”

“No, no. I think it’s time for us all to be one big family. Suzette loves babies, that should soften her up a bit.” He put his arm around his son. “Allons, I have some introductions to do and explanations to make.”

As they emerged from the trail around the pond, Suzette came up to her husband. “Ah, there you are, mon mari. I was wondering who this English gentleman was.”

John went red in the face and began to stutter, “He’s, he’s.”

“Votre fils! C’est vrai?”

“Suzette, how?”

“You talk in your sleep. I have waited these many years for you to, how do they say, come clean.” She turned to Snape and took his hands in hers, “So, you are very welcome, my son. And tell me, who is that lovely Witch with the baby?”

The End


A/N: There’s an epilogue to come.

Big, big hugs and special thanks to all my reviewers for all your encouragement and support: LittleBird, Spaz141, MaddyRiddle, Deb, and Moyra.