Jaded

JADED

For Summery, warnings, spoilers and disclaimers see chapter one.
A/N: Neb and RRW were gracious enough to inform me that Remus was indeed a prefect according to JKR, something I of course failed to remember. But this little fact doesn’t fit in my story so in here Remus isn’t a prefect! Live with it!


To my betas- Dragon and Kat, my love and eternal gratitude are yours.
..oo00oo..

Chapter Twenty-Five: Cry me a river
(I'm not sure who's the original singer, but my favourite version is by Joan Baez)

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Remus was the first to wake up on the morning of the twelve. For a moment he simply laid there, eyes closed and fingers running up and down Harry's arm, which was thrown over his chest. Then Remus opened his eyes, looking down at the shaggy head of his lover and sighed, that's right, tonight after dinner Jaime was going to leave him, go back to that stupid school of his- Durmstrang… Remus tried not to be bitter about it all, he really was. But the whole mystery enveloping Jamie sudden departure kept Remus feeling a little cheated on. What was so bloody secretive that Jamie wasn’t even able to say why he was really leaving?

He felt his boyfriend stirring in his arms and looked down to see the lovely aquamarine eyes, looking up at him blearily, soft with sleep and love.

"Good morning." He said with a forced smile and Harry returned his head to Remus' chest, wrapping his arms tighter around him. Nothing was good about this morning, and nothing would be good about this day.

"You know, this is going to be the last time we wake up together…" Remus mused out loud and Harry sighed and closed his eyes, wishing he could fall asleep again and forget about what was going to happen later.

"Gods, I wish things could have been different." Harry whispered,

"Me too." They lay together, trying to prolong the moment as much as they could, before they would be forced to get up and go through the day, pretending to listen in classes and act as if they were not completely heart broken and miserable beyond belief.
--HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR--

As predicted, the day wasn’t a happy one for Harry, he felt like an inferi, a living dead, just going through the motions and feeling nothing at all. At least Sirius' 'genius' plan to throw Harry a big going away party was dropped when Harry nearly burst in tears.

Dinner time found Harry pocking and playing with his food with no real enthusiasm, to him it felt like a giant clock was timing the last minutes with his loved ones, tick-tick-ticking away the seconds and bringing Harry's forced leave closer. A soft hand was laid on his back and he looked up to see Remus. The werewolf offered his hand and Harry took it without hesitation.

Together they made their way in silence through the halls and reached the Room of Requirements. Inside the room were a large sofa and a merrily crackling fire. Without a word the two settled on the sofa, holding each other tight and not saying a word. It was too late for words and there was nothing more to say.

Harry buried his face in Remus' chest, inhaling the scent of his lover and finding comfort in it. Remus flicked his wand and soft music started to play, a disembodied voice filling the room in a slow song. The song was unfamiliar to Harry and he simply let himself be carried away by the tune until he caught the lyrics,

"Long afloat on shipless oceans,
I did all my best to smile,
Till your singing eyes and fingers,
Drew me love to your isle,
And you sang:
Sail to me,
Sail to me,
Let me enfold you,
Here I am
Here I am
Waiting to hold you…"

Harry bit his lip and sighed, it was no chance that Remus chose this song. Harry was his siren, luring him to his isle with beauty and charms and then letting Remus crush on the rocks of uncertainty and solitude,

"Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you hare when I was fox?
Now my foolish boat is leaning
Broken lovelorn on your rocks,
For you sing,
Touch me not,
Touch me not,
Come back tomorrow:
O my heart, O my heart shies from the sorrow."

"I am puzzled as the newborn child
I am troubled at the tide:
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Should I lie with Death my bride?
Hear me sing,
Swim to me,
Swim to me,
Let me enfold you:
Here I am,
Here I am,
Waiting to hold you…"

Remus mouthed with the song- Here I am, waiting to hold you. He would wait too, he had no choice. Jaime would always be his captor, the one who stole his heart and Remus knew, as clear as the first daylight breaking over the horizon and with all the certainty of 18 years old boy whose heart broke for the first time that he would never love anyone ever again.

Truth be told, Remus hadn't exactly meant to play this particular song, but this final line kept running in his head all day, and the Room simply granted his subconscious wish.
A quiet knock was heard and a moment later Draco's head appear around the frame,

"Hmm, Jaime, it's time to go." He said hesitantly clearly not comfortable with the thought of separating the pair on the sofa. Harry nodded solemnly and rose to a sitting position, with Remus reluctantly following. Harry cupped Remus' cheek with his palm, looking his werewolf straight in the eye,

"I love you, I will always love you, please remember that." Remus nodded, his throat suddenly closing. He wanted more than anything to cry out his misery but he knew it would take a while before the tears came. Sometimes he really envied Jamie for his ability to cry so freely. Harry ran his fingers over the pendant Remus wore, "Whatever happens, I will find you again, I promise." He whispered, caressing the pendant lovingly. He did not dare to look Remus in the eyes, because although he fully intended to fulfill this promise he knew it would take at least 20 years before he could say 'I love you' to Remus again.

"I know." Remus pressed his forehead to Harry's, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths to calm the storm inside him. Harry tried to prolong the moment as much as he could but he knew that the time alcove would not be there forever and if he missed it this time it would cause more harm than good and as much as he preferred to stay with Remus and Sirius and his family he wasn't ready to take the chance of messing things further up in the future. Harry rose slowly to his feet; his eyes fixed on the smoldering ambers of his lover's eyes and bit his lip, trying to offer a sad smile which looked more like an awkward pout.

He felt Draco's fingers slip to entangle with his own and let the other boy drag him to the door, his eyes never leaving Remus. As soon as the door closed behind his back, Harry took a deep breath and closed his eyes. He squeezed Draco's hand in silent thanks and together they started making their way to the lower levels towards the potions class,

"Are you alright?" Draco asked after a while,

"No." Harry answered flatly. He walked with his head bowed and his steps heavy, like a man going to his execution rather than home. Part of Draco wanted to shout and scold Harry for ruining his joy about going back home, but most of him was just glad he wasn’t in Harry's place.

"Harry, I…" Draco fumbled with the words, not knowing quite what to say; he wasn’t in the habit of offering consolation especially not to his former enemy,

"It's ok, Draco," Harry cut through his bumbling raising his free hand, "I'm going to be fine." Draco nodded reluctantly, silently admitting defeat and they continued their way in silence.
When they reached the bowels of the castle they saw Dumbledore standing there already, eyes fixed on an empty spot in the wall before him. When he heard the two of them he barely spared them a glance before resuming his intent gazing,

"Good evening Mr. Malfoy and Mr. Potter, the alcove should appear momentarily. Make your selves comfortable, it shouldn't be long now." Draco led Harry to stand behind the headmaster, both leaning their backs against the stone wall.

The sound of running feet distracted Draco from his dark thoughts, and he looked up to see Lily skidding around the corner, panting and smiling,

"Oh, phew, I thought I missed you guys." Harry looked up startled at the sound of his mother's voice,

"Lily, what are you doing here?" Lily walked up to him, running her hand on through his hair in a fond gesture,

"You didn’t really think I'd let you leave without saying goodbye?" She said with a falsely brave smile, "How are you holding up, Izzie?" She asked quietly and that all it took for the dam to brake. Big, fat, miserable tears filled Harry's eyes and spilled over the rim with such force Draco was momentary scared Harry's eyes would drop out along with his tears. Harry felt his throat constricting and his air supply cutting off, letting only painful sobs out,

"I d-don't want t-to go…" He chocked out, and Lily immediately wrapped him tight in her arms, "Oh, g-gods, mummy… I want to s-stay here…" At the word 'mummy' Lily's eyes filled with tears of her own. It was the first time in their whole time together that Harry ever called her that, and more than anything it brought home the fact that this was her son, her baby.

"Sh… it's ok, baby," She whispered to Harry, rocking him gently and sniffling her own misery. "Everything's going to be alright…" It was quite amazing how easy the mother stance came to her, and at any other given moment Lily would probably laugh in disbelief or hex anyone who told her she will be in this position one day, but right now all she wanted was to ease her child's pain, even if only a friction.

"Don't leave me mummy…" Harry murmured into Lily's shoulder, finally letting go of the enormous burden that was weighing on him since he found out he was going back home. He tried to be so strong, for Remus and Lily and the others, and mostly for himself but this was the last time he would ever see his parents alive and he wanted nothing more than to hold his mother for as long as he could, even take her with him, save her from the monster that would steal any chance of Harry ever having a loving family.

"I'm not leaving you; we'll see each other again, right?" Harry sobbed harder at this; he wanted to shout 'No, I won't! You don’t understand!', instead he wrapped his arms more firmly around Lily and refused to let go.

"I love you so much."

"I love you too, baby." She pressed a kiss to the black hair and pulled back a little, looking at her son through red-rimmed green eyes. She wiped her thumbs on Harry's cheeks, brushing away the tears and smiled amide hers, "You're going to be just fine. I'm so proud of you." Harry nodded and swallowed hard, not daring to speak lest he crack again.

Draco, who watched the scene from the side refused to succumb to the prickly feeling behind his eyes. Instead he blinked rapidly and looked to the side, watching with detached indifference as the alcove appeared, dark and bleak at the wall on the other side. Dumbledore clapped his hands with satisfaction at seeing the alcove appearing and turned to his young charges, starting a little when he saw Lily there,

"Why, Miss Evans, what are you doing here?" Lily wiped her face with her handkerchief and smiled at the headmaster,

"I came to bid my son goodbye." She said with a slightly challenging tone, and Dumbledore nodded,

"Very well, but hurry up, the alcove would not stay here forever." Lily nodded and turned back to the boys. Harry was wiping his face furiously with a handkerchief Draco pressed into his hand, sniffling miserably and Draco looked like he wanted to say something but didn’t quite know how to word it. Lily quirked her brow at him and Draco pulled himself to his full height,

"Lily," He began formally and Lily did her best to hide a smile, "It was a pleasure to meet you, I…" Lily waved her hand impatiently,

"Relax, you're going to hurt yourself," She said with dry amusement and Draco's cheeks flushed pale pink with indigence, "It was great meeting you too." She said graciously, and patted Draco's arm fondly, "You can tell Narcissa she did a great job with you. Tell her… tell her the flower brigade sends her love. She'll understand." Draco nodded mutely, not fully understanding but not daring to question what clearly was a secret between his mother and this girl. "And promise me you'll take good care of my baby, ok?" Draco nodded again this time without hesitation.

"Alright, yeah." He said feebly, holding himself up with the last scrap of his self-control.

"Bye Alex," Lily caught Draco in a fierce hug, not giving him a choice but to return it, which he did, gladly.

"Bye, Lily." When they broke apart Lily turned to the sniffling and blinking Harry, pulling him flush against her again,

"Bye baby, take care." Harry nodded and took a deep breath, trying to keep a tight reign on his feelings,

"Bye mum." He said huskily, his voice scratchy from crying. Lily released him and Draco took Harry's hand again, leading him to the alcove. Harry looked back at his mother, who was waving, smiling and crying at the same time,

"Have safe trip boys." Was the last thing Harry heard before he stepped into the alcove and let the darkness enfold him.

It took only three steps. There wasn’t any whooshing feeling of being sucked into another dimension or anything; it was just a short walk from one end of the alcove to another. When Harry opened his eyes he saw the stone walls of the dungeon corridor and Dumbledore's beaming smile. Harry could almost believe it didn’t work and he was still in 1978, but then he saw that instead of a teary Lily at Dumbledore side was a cheery Hermione who squealed in glee when she saw her friend and rushed to hug Harry. Draco tried to discreetly let go of Harry's hand but the latter tightened his hold on the blond's hand.

"Oh, gods, Harry! You're finally back. I was so worried when I found your letter, I didn’t even notice you were gone; I was in the library studying and then I was looking for some light reading and guess what I found! Gods, I was completely shocked, I ran to Dumbledore and told him all about it trying to get you back as fast as possible… Harry, you look dreadful, what's wrong?" Hermione finally slowed down to get some air and released Harry from her hug to see the forlorn expression on his face. Draco pushed her backwards,

"Granger, give the guy some room to breath!" He cried, and Hermione's eyes turned wide and round like saucers. She looked at Draco suspiciously, logically she knew it was him, because Harry had told her in the letter that he and Draco went through the alcove together but the guy who was defending her friend looked nothing like the Draco Malfoy she remembered. Come to think of it, Harry didn’t quite look like himself either…

"I'm so glad to see you two are back unscathed," Dumbledore said happily and waved his wand at the two of them, removing the glamour his junior self had put and Hermione gave a little sigh of relief, "I suggest you two take the weekend to regroup yourself and catch up with your work, I expect to see you both in class Monday morning." He said pleasantly and then swept past them, leaving the three alone in the hall. Draco glanced at the wall and saw that the alcove had closed himself, leaving a blank wall at his wake. He only hoped Harry didn’t see it.

"Weekend?" He asked as he turned to face Hermione again, "Dumbledore said it would be a week," Hermione gave him a puzzled look and he explained impatiently, "We left on Tuesday the twelve of May, what day is it today?"

"Friday the fifteen." Hermione answered curtly. Now that Draco was back to looking like himself it was much easier to sneer at him. "You were gone three days."

"Felt more like seven months." Draco said with a shrug. Well, at least they won't have too much school work to catch up on. A strain silence followed, in which Draco and Hermione stared at each other trying to figure out how to get the hell out of there, and Harry stood between them, looking lost and dejected. Eventually Draco decided to take matters into his hands,

"Look, Granger, just give Harry some time, alright? He's been through a lot, he just needs some space." Hermione's jaw dropped and Draco gave her a triumphant smirk. Unnerving Gryffindors was always fun, no matter what the year was… And Hermione Granger, smartest witch of the year or not was certainly no match to Lily Evans!

"Alright…" Hermione said, completely shocked at herself for agreeing with Draco Malfoy of all people. Draco turned to Harry, and the latter lifted dull green eyes to him,

"Hey, Jaime, I'll see you later, yeah?" Harry nodded and tried to smile,

"Yeah, sure Alex." Draco smiled at him and turned to leave, his heart feeling light and happy at being back where he belonged, while burdened with concern for his friend. Draco smiled at the thought that had someone told him that all it took for him and Harry Potter to finally burry the hatchet and become best friends is seven months marooned twenty years in the past he'd laugh his head off and have that person committed to the mental maladies ward in St. Mungo's.

Hermione looked at the retreating back of Draco, knowing full well that these seven months changed much more than just Harry's animosity with Draco. She was burning with curiosity but at the same time she knew that she would respect her promise to Draco and leave Harry alone to sort himself out, and just be there for him when he'll be finally ready to talk.
"Come on, 'Mione, let's go to bed." Harry said heavily. He had two days to sort himself out before he would have to face the world, well the school again. Two days before he'll have to face Remus again, oh gods, Remus… 'Merlin, give me strength to face him again' Harry prayed silently.
--HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR-HR--

A/N: Just in case you're interested, Narcissa is a year older than Lily (I didn't check it canon-wise, and frankly, I don’t really care- the whole point of writing my own fic is doing whatever I want, right?), and they met through being prefects. Prefect meetings led to study sessions and a secret friendship between the two girls, (Narcissa is a Black after all and they all have their little quirks), and the name 'Flower Brigade' started out as a joke but soon became their code name. code names are always fun, especially if all you're doing with it is passing notes and get together for a bit of girl-chat.