RAGE

After spending a while sitting with Narcissa, Hermione decided to continue on with her exploration. Across from the sitting room was a cupboard of sorts. It was locked but Hermione could smell something odd emanating from it. The smell was so familiar but Hermione couldn’t put her finger on it. Hermione made a note to ask Narcissa about it later.

Hermione made her way down to the last room. She opened the large, old door and stepped inside. Her jaw dropped in wonder. It was a library. It was a very big library. The walls were completely covered with book shelves, not to mention the many rows of bookshelves at the back of the room. There was a large fire place ahead of her, begging to be lit, with two overstuffed sofas in front of it.

Hermione felt a light tug of joy as she ran her fingertips lightly across the spines, her eyes darting from title to title. There were books on history, spells, exotic places of the world, not to mention many books of fiction. Hermione stopped and closed her eyes, breathing in deeply.

Books. One of the few refuges that had kept her sane over the years. The refuge that would continue to keep her sane.

“What a surprise that I find you here.” Came an amused voice from behind her.

Again she jumped, her hand going to her wand.

“Everyone seems to be sneaking up on me today.” Hermione said, putting her wand back in her back pocket.

Draco eyes followed her wand and then upon realising he was looking at her behind, he quickly looked away.

“Sorry.” He said. “Should have known that you tune out the world for books.”

“Books don’t lie, hurt, or annoy me.” She said. “They have been and always will be, my close friends.”

He smirked and stepped closer.

“I know you probably don’t want to be asked, but…”

He stopped about two feet away from her. He smelled nice and Hermione felt her head begin to get a little cloudy.

“But…?” Hermione asked, lifting an eyebrow.

“How are you doing?” He asked.

If it was anyone else she would have felt like she was being pestered. She knew they were only concerned about her and that they loved her, but, coming from Draco it sounded different. She didn’t know how.

“I’m holding up well enough.” She said quickly. “And you?”

He glanced at her lips for a fraction of a second and then back to her eyes.

“I’m alright.” He said. “Scared shitless, but I’m better off than most. Don’t worry about me.”

“Just because you’re ‘better off’ it doesn’t mean you don’t need as much love and attention as everyone else.” Hermione said. “We’re all in this together.”

“Love and attention?” He asked incredulously.

“Yes.” She said, blushing slightly. “Everyone needs it.”

“I don’t.” He said. “I’m fine. It’s those poor kids who need it.”

“You’re so keen to give, but not to receive?” Hermione asked.

She had the urge to reach up and touch his cheek. She wanted to pull him close and hug him. She wanted to hold him like he had held her and tell him that it was alright for him to want love and attention from her. And she didn’t know why she wanted to let him know this. Maybe because he was showing concern for her. Maybe it was because she couldn’t stand to see anyone suffer. Maybe it was because despite everything, she really liked him.

He looked down at her, his eyes searching for something within hers.

“Why don’t you think you deserve it?” She asked, licking her lips unconsciously. “You’ve righted your wrongs.”

He didn’t answer. He seemed to having a debate with himself. He breathed in and out quickly.

“Why are you justifying me?” He asked.

“You’ve shown me only kindness since you joined the Order.” She said. “Not to mention when I turned up at the Ministry. My parents were, they were gone, and I was at my lowest. I was ready to give up. But then, you were there. You helped me every time I needed someone there. You showed me compassion when you could have turned away.”

“You make me sound more than I am.” He said, shaking his head. “Just because I helped you… it doesn’t make my past go away.”

“You need to forgive yourself.” She said. “Everyone else has.”

“I can’t escape from it.” He said, lifting his sleeve to reveal a large scar. It was where the Dark Mark had been. “I never will.”

Hermione didn’t know how she hadn’t seen it before. She looked away from the scar and up to his face. He looked as though he was desperately searching for acceptance. He looked so distressed all she wanted to do was take him in her arms.

“I can see all their faces when I close my eyes.” He said. “All the Muggles the Deatheaters tortured, raped and killed. The people that I Crucio-ed. I can still hear their screams.”

His eye brimmed with tears, threatening to spill at any moment. She took his hand, not knowing what else to do.

“Every time I close my eyes I can still see you at the mercy of…” Draco looked away, his face twisted in anger and guilt. “… at the mercy of Bellatrix. The look on your face as she Crucio-ed you, cursed you and tried to make you do things. It’s your scream that haunts me most.”

She looked down, remembering that night at Malfoy Manor. She had never been so scared in her life, but she had also never been more defiant. She had been strong and they hadn’t broken her. Lucius had looked at her with a blood-lust that shocked her to the core.

“And I stood back, not interfering.” He said, disgusted with himself. “I did nothing.”

“That night was horrible for everyone.” Hermione said. “The physical pain I could handle. I was proud of myself for staying strong. I was surprised at myself. It showed me that I was stronger than I thought I was. Ideally, I wouldn’t have learnt that way, but we can’t change the past, Draco.”

She stepped closer to him.

“I don’t blame you, Draco.” She said. “We were all scared and we all wanted the war to be over. You never hurt me.”

“As good as.” He said, his voice beginning to break. “I’m so ashamed.”

“Don’t be.” She said. “Please, don’t be.”

He closed his eyes, his tears sliding down his cheeks.

“How can I not?” He whispered.

“I don’t know.” She said, wiping his tears away gently. “Just be yourself.”

He opened his eyes and looked at her earnestly. Then he grabbed her around the waist and pulled her close. He placed his hand behind her head and pulled her lips to his.

Hermione was stunned for a moment but then relaxed into his kiss. He was kissing her with such a passion that she took a hold of his jacket collar pulling him closer. She ran her fingers through his hair. He sucked on her bottom lip and then let her go for need of air.

He seemed to sober a little and let her go slightly.

“Sorry.” He said, looking away from her eyes.

She took a breath in.

“Don’t be.” She said, grabbing his neck and pulling him back down for another kiss.