Memoirs of a Serpent's Son

Memoirs of a Serpent’s Son

--Age 16—part 4

Christmastime

I think I’ve sunk to an all-time low. Honestly, I never imagined I would ever have even considered doing what I did today. It disgusts me just to think about it but, honestly, I didn’t have much choice. Damn Filch.

Slughorn had his oh-so-fantastically-exclusive-holiday party today. Or tonight. Whatever. Of course, ONLY the “most influential and well-connected students” were invited. Which is a laugh because I was not on the invite list.

Oh no wait, THAT’S RIGHT, my father is a Death-Eater and was sent away to Azkaban thanks to Saint Potter who WAS on the invite list.

Sorry, my mistake.

Pfft.

I don’t really care about the damn party. Honestly, it did not preoccupy my thoughts at all. I was just headed up to the Room of Requirement to get in some more quality time with my friend the Vanishing Cabinet when I passed by Slughorn’s office and found myself stopped dead in front of it.

I could hear the music and the muffled chatter of students enjoying themselves in a well-deserved celebration of the end of term. I could smell the wafts of holiday scents and those intoxicating wisps of joy and laughter on the air. I felt…nostalgic.

Is it so wrong that I was wishing I was inside with them instead of on my way to fix the damn cabinet? Is it so terrible that I would have preferred, if only for a moment, to be dancing and drinking with my fellow students (no matter how useless they really were) instead of skulking off to accomplish my impossible task?? Is it so bad that for a moment my life and the lives of my parents meant little in comparison to one night of relaxed company and holiday cheer??

Well, I couldn’t really agree with myself on the matter and that’s what caught me there. I was rooted in place, my stomach lurching at the thought of what I HAD to do and what I really WANTED to do when Filch grabbed me by the collar and demanded to know what I was doing.

I told him I was invited to the party and just considering going in.

I WAS CAUGHT OFF-GUARD OK? YOU try thinking of something more believable the next time you’re in the same situation!

Besides, I usually was invited to things like this… just not recently…

The problem was that Filch has to be the bloody idiot squib that he is and dragged me INTO the room –which was filled with decorations and happy laughing students, just to rub some salt in my own self-loathing wound –and up to Slughorn to check out my story.

Before Slughorn could even assimilate all the information being presented to him I just burst out that I was gate-crashing (another on-the-spot idea, big surprise) and wrenched my robes out of Filch’s grasp. He seemed triumphant. I did not. I rolled my eyes and seethed from frustration, staring at the half-stupefied students around me until my eyes landed on Potter, standing close to Slughorn.

He, of course, was giving me that “I-know-you’re-up-to-something-but-can’t-really-prove-it-so-I’m-just-going-to-give-you-my-best-death-glare-to-make-you-as-uncomfortable-as-possible-so-you-might-incriminate-yourself” look as Slughorn waved Filch off and claimed that it didn’t matter. It’s the Holiday season, he proclaimed, accepting me into his party. I immediately changed my expression to one of deep gratitude and thanked him for his generosity.

Snape, however, did not seem to appreciate my sudden presence and demanded to drag me off somewhere else.

Honestly, can NO ONE allow me a moment’s peace around here??

He literally dragged me off into a classroom just down the hall to berate me with questions as to my motives. As if he did not already know.

He asked me AGAIN about whether or not I was involved in Bell’s poisoning. Told me it was a foolish plan. And walking around without a lookout or attempting to go work on my project without anyone watching my back: even MORE foolish. Tsk, tsk, tsk, blahblahblah, that’s all I heard from him.

Honestly, if HE thinks it’s so bloody easy and he knows just what to do then maybe he should just DO IT HIMSELF.

Then he told me something more. He said that he took the Vow with my mother to protect me on my way. He told me to let him in and tell him about my plans and let him know so that he could help me.

I nearly did a double-take before I caught myself.

Does he HONESTLY think that THAT is going to convince me?? That he took an UNBREAKABLE VOW with my mother to protect me? That’s his ploy to get me to reveal my plan to him so that he can do it himself and take all my glory?!

……

………….

When did this whole thing really become glorious to me? When did I decide that I really WANTED to be doing this?

God, I’m so lost in my own lies I can’t tell what the truth is anymore…

I just started screaming at him. Started telling him all those things… that I wouldn’t let him steal my job and I wouldn’t tell him a thing. I started saying so many things I can’t keep track of them all… and then he…

He gave me the strangest look and then said that I didn’t know what I was doing, that I was acting like a child because I was upset that my father was locked away.

If he wasn’t still a professor I would have cursed him on the spot until he begged me for mercy…

I am NOT acting like a child!!

I GAVE UP BEING A CHILD FOR HIS STUPID MASTER. I gave up EVERYTHING and I continue to sacrifice my sanity and my health for HIS END. I have done what I had to do to protect my family because my father is in prison. I’m not playing Quidditch or worrying about school work. I’m not pursuing any foolish romances, I don’t give in to my fantasies, I’m not living my life for myself anymore!

How DARE he claim I’m acting like a child! He has no idea what this is like for me!! He never had to deal with this kind of pressure, this kind of stress!

I burst out the door and practically ran down the hall and back down into the Slytherin common room. Even now I’m shaking…

I can’t write anymore.

********
Spring Term

I’m really getting sick of Potions classes. I used to love them. Potions really is my best subject, but I can’t –in fact, NO ONE can –do well in them anymore. Not with Potter pulling miraculously “cheeky” ideas out of thin air to put us all to shame.

He gave us a challenge to come up with a suitable potion as an antidote to several poisons that he named and then sent us on our way with no suggestion as to other parameters. So, naturally, everyone went frantic trying to get a proper potion together and then by the end of the class, what does Potter do when he realizes his potion was not going well?

He picks up a bloody BEZOAR and hands it to Slughorn as though it was the most obvious thing in the world and the bloody idiot just accepted it! He COMMENDED Potter on his cleverness and made the rest of the class’ hard work seem like a waste of time and energy.

It just KILLS me that Potter can while away his time getting away with cheeky little games he plays with the teachers while I have to struggle to get everything done because I’ve got people’s LIVES on my shoulders to worry about!!

I haven’t been producing great potions in class because I’ve had no sleep and enough stress to make Potter go mad with frustration. I have IMPORTANT things to worry about, aside from getting top marks and good favour with the fame-leaching worm of a professor.

I haven’t got time to play games.

I need to get back to the Room…

*******

We had our first Apparition class today. Everyone who was of age standing in the Great Hall with big hoops on the ground in front of us to practice. I filed into the room with all the other students with nothing else on their minds but whether or not they’ll splinch themselves while trying to get into their hoop.

But as soon as we found ourselves places in the crowd, Crabbe and Goyle started badgering me to get information about my plans.

EVERYONE. I mean it. EVERYONE is intent on knowing EVERYTHING about my damn life right now. I just CANNOT get away!

McGonagall snapped at me and scolded me for talking during the instructor’s speech of course. As though I was the ONLY one speaking. It’s a whole HALL full of students who want to learn about Apparition and the bloody old git giving the lessons can’t stop rambling about the Three D’s or B’s or F’s or whatever and she thinks that I was the only one talking??

It’s as though some ethereal super-being is watching over all of this and just CONSTANTLY INSISTING on chucking this kind of SHITE at me. ONLY ME.

I shut my mouth and waited for the idiot to shut up. Then as soon as everyone got into position, Crabbe started berating me with his questions again!!

What are you doing? When are you going to be finished? How much longer? Why can’t we know what you are doing?

BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.

It was all just NAGGING as though they were unfulfilled house-wives or something.

And THEN, JUST to put the icing on the cake, Potter pops up behind me without any warning and ever so casually suggests that he ALWAYS informs his friends of his finely laid plans if he is to ask them to keep lookout for him.

Oh yes, and that has worked SO well for him in the past now hasn’t it? I won’t even MENTION his clear stupidity last year.

In any case, I wasn’t thinking so quickly then. I was more surprised than anything else and tried to pull my wand on him, but nothing came of that…

Only me stewing in my own anger as everyone else made fools of themselves trying to Apparate into their hoops.


I just couldn’t concentrate after all that. Not enough to manage to even come CLOSE to Apparition.

Hmm. I wonder why.

********

Everything is just getting worse!! I’ve spent more time in that damn Room trying to wrestle with the broken cabinet than I even care to think about, but it still REFUSES to be mended!! It’s like it’s laughing at me from somewhere off in limbo, sitting back and having a smashing good time with my dignity, my looks and my health.

Oh yes and my sanity. Can’t forget that.

I’ve been reduced to nothing more than my skin, and even that is looking grim.

Always alone… always alone… no one watching out for me, not for real. I have to wrestle with Crabbe and Goyle to act as my lookouts. I’ve been given them Polyjuice potion to make it seem less obvious when they’re waiting out there. Most of the time they end up being girls though, and I don’t think they appreciate it much.

But honestly, I deserve to have a LITTLE fun at their expense… for all the bloody rubbish I’ve been dealing with.

I’m getting worried again, though… so… I…. I may have done something stupid again. I…

I had Rosmerta send a poisoned bottle of mead to Dumbledore as a belated Christmas gift… I can’t remember when I sent it but it still hasn’t surfaced and I’m getting more and more worried….

What if something happens like the last time??

What if…. What if someone DIES this time???

I can’t… I CANNOT have that on my soul! I mean… I know that I have to kill Dumbledore… in the end…but maybe I just…

I guess I just keep hoping that someone will swoop in and save me…that Potter will figure it all out and realize that I need help and just…save me like he saves everyone else…and it will all be ok in the end…

DAMN IT NO!

I’m getting sick of this! I’m getting sick of moments of weakness and worry and sinking back down to that level of dementia where I honestly think it might be possible for Potter to even CONSIDER helping me!

IT WILL NOT HAPPEN. I AM IN THIS ALONE.

I’m…alone…and that’s it.

*******

I… I…Uh… Hah…Ahh…I’m….hyperventilating….

W-…Weasel was… poisoned today…

He was poisoned and nearly died and sent off to hospital and it was because of the poisoned mead I had Rosmerta send that never made it to Dumbledore and Slughorn just used it and gave it to him and Potter just saved his life with the damn bezoar thing and…. and….

I can’t breathe.

I’m shaking and gasping for breathe and trying desperately not to let myself break… I can’t give in… I can’t cry and I can’t accept all this. I can’t take it in! I can’t take it anymore!!

I cannot have Weasel’s blood on my hands no matter how much I hate him, no matter how much of a blood traitor he is, no matter HOW much I wish I were in his place, I CANNOT HAVE THAT.

My …. my arm is bleeding so much… it won’t stop… the bandages soak in blood in minutes… I just can’t make it stop and I don’t know what to do anymore… I don’t know I have no options now. That damn cabinet WON’T FIX. It just WON’T and now… and now nothing is working… nothing is working!

And I can’t even tell P-…I can’t even hope to tell him anymore because if he finds out… if he finds out that I’m the one behind the poison… that I could have been the cause of his best mate’s death… HE’D KILL ME.

There’s nothing now…I’ve ruined every possible chance… I’ve cut off all my back ups and now… now it’s just me against the world…

I can’t trust anyone, I can’t trust myself… even my MIND ISN’T SAFE ANYMORE!

I’ve got nothing…nothing at all.

-----IIIII-----

A/N: Er… I don’t know how I feel about this chapter, but hopefully went ok. A little bit of humour along with a healthy (or unhealthy depending on how you look at it) dosage of angst… Poor Draco boy… things are just going to get worse before they get better. Ahhh I have an exam tomorrow so I’m going to go and collapse now…

GOOD THINGS ON THE WAY I PROMISE…. Well eventually ehehehe

Thanks for the fantasmic reviews and more cookies to all!! Hahaha With smut. I like the idea of smutty cookies :p