Up the Duff

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Minerva McGonagall could never recall a time that Severus Snape’s small living quarters had been stuffed so full. Having been summoned in the wee hours of the morning by a hysterically babbling Harry Potter-Malfoy, she had come to Snape’s rooms immediately via floo to see what in the bleeding hell was going on. What she found astounded even her.

Upon stepping through the floo the first thing her eyes had landed on was an infuriated, and bright pink potions professor floating about two feet off the floor. The second thing that came to her notice was Narcissa Malfoy standing beside Severus, and gently trying to calm him down. Draco Malfoy-Potter was the next thing she saw, and as she followed his stunned gray gaze over to the couch; her eyes went wide as the unmistakable blond head of Lucius Malfoy tentatively peeked over the back.

“What?!” Minerva gasped, but she was interrupted by what was apparently a heated hissing match going on near Severus’ door. Turning her head to follow the sound, her heart jolted in her chest and it was only her famous Gryffindor courage that kept her from screaming and running from the room in a panic.

Tom Riddle. Most assuredly the ghost of Tom Riddle, but still; Tom-fucking-Riddle stood just inside the door hissing loudly at an also furiously hissing Harry Potter-Malfoy. Just behind Riddle’s ghost she could clearly see the specter of Moaning Myrtle casually looking around the room.

Minerva stood with her mouth hanging open as Tom hissed at Harry and Harry shook his head vehemently and hissed right back. “What the bloody fuck is going on here?!” The Headmistress shouted before she even knew the words were coming out of her mouth.

Even with all the chaos around them everyone in the room froze at the sound of the prim and proper McGonagall swearing like a sailor. Harry and Draco both gawped at her. Neither of them had ever heard the woman even raise her voice, nor less curse.

“It’s a surprise party.” Myrtle drawled.

With that one statement it seemed that the silence didn’t just break, it shattered into a billion pieces and everyone started talking at once, pointing fingers and shouting to be heard over the others. “Quiet!" Minerva screeched before the cacophony could make her ear drums burst.

Silence once again reigned supreme in the room.

Taking a deep breath Minerva slowly turned to Harry. “Mr. Potter-Malfoy... would you care to explain what is going on here?”

Harry grimaced. “All I know is that Snape is knocked up, and for some God forsaken reason Tom Riddle and Lucius Malfoy’s ghost are here in the castle.”

Minerva turned to a surly looking Severus. “Is this true? Are you expecting?”

Reluctantly Snape nodded his greasy pink head. “For the moment... yes I am.”

“It’s a magical pregnancy.” Draco stopped staring at his Father long enough to smirk at Snape. “It cant be terminated without killing the host. That’s what you told me.”

“I know what I told you.” Snape sneered. “Im quite sure that I can find a way around that for myself.”

Draco’s eyes went wide, and then he lunged at Snape. “You rat bastard!”

Harry had to abandon his vigil on Tom to grab his hot headed mate before he could reach their Professor.

“Draco please...” Harry pleaded. “Think of the babies. You cant just attack Severus right now... Ill get your wand for you later.”

Draco was still spitting and cursing as Harry pulled him back, and held him against his chest. “I cant
wait until you’re puking your guts out every day.” Draco raged at his Godfather.

“There are potions for morning sickness.” Severus pursed his lips. “Didn’t I mention that?” He cocked one dark eyebrow, and snickered at his irate Godson. “I must have forgotten.”

“Ill tear your liver out!” The blond vampire roared as his eyes turned the color of molten steel, and his fangs extended.

“Please do!” Severus snapped. “Id rather do without one than be responsible for bringing another Malfoy brat into this world!”

“Settle down Sweetness.” Harry stroked his angry trembling husband, and spoke comfort to him. “You know the worst thing you can do to him is let him live.”

Draco hesitantly nodded in agreement and reassured himself that Severus would suffer infinitely more if he was alive. The thought calmed him considerably.

“Why is Severus immobilized?” Minerva tried desperately to stay on track.

“Because he was trying to incinerate Lucius.” Narcissa patted a darkly scowling Severus soothingly. “He was a little upset when he found out he was pregnant.”

Lucius’ head bobbed in agreement. “He set fire to the bed I was asleep in.”

“So...” Draco blinked. “Severus wasn’t cheating on you?”

“Oh no dear...” Narcissa chuckled. “It was more a threesome sort of thing.”

“Oh God!” Draco buried his head in his husbands neck. “I soooooo didn’t need to know that.”

Harry nodded in agreement. However... there was one thing he would like to know. As soon as Draco turned him loose, and stepped far enough away Harry angled his head and whispered at the elder Malfoy. “Hey Lucius!” A head with long blond hair turned in his direction. “Can I ask you something?”

“No you may not!” Severus screamed at him before he could even get the question out. “You may not ask him, her or them! I already told you that I do not have a six foot dick you rancid little ankle gobbler!”

“Fine.” Harry spat and crossed his arms over his chest.

“That’s true...” Lucius drawled looking right at Severus. “He does have two of them now though.”

“When I get down from here..” Snape said in a voice like ice. “I am going to murder you again Malfoy.”

Harry and Draco were both gaping at him like they had never seen him before, while Minerva just rubbed her temples trying to stave off the massive headache that she felt coming on. “That was just wayyyyyy too much information Mr. Malfoy.” She groaned.

Lucius snarled at Severus over the edge of the couch. “That’s what you get for trying to set me on fire.”

“You knocked me up you pure blooded snot ball!” Severus spat back.

“That was an accident.” Lucius pouted. “You set fire to the bed on purpose.”

Myrtle snuggled up under Tom’s arm. “I do believe they’ve forgotten all about us love.”

Harry whipped around with his wand held high. “Oh no I didn’t!” A/N.... (oh yes he sooooo did.)

“Oh really?” Tom looked amused. “Because I could have sworn that your mind was much more on how many.. appendages Severus might possess, and what use he might put them to in regards to having a husband and wife tag team him in bed than you ever were in me.”

Harry flushed crimson. “T-that thought n-never occurred to me.” He stammered, obviously lying.

“Oh please.” Draco snorted beside him. “That thought even occurred to me.” The blond suddenly blushed red too. “Sickening though it was.” *cough* *cough*

Minerva plopped down in one of the nearby chairs. “Merlin! I need a drink!” She moaned, then shouted. “Dobby!”

In his office in the kitchens, Dobby had just gotten to the part of his sermon on house elf etiquette where he pointed out what an honor it was to be slave labor for Hogwarts, and Trixie was frankly wilting under the bleating voice.

Her ears hung limp on her shoulders, while her large bottom lip poked out petulantly. Even the cluster of dark curls that decorated the top of her head was drooping. Her big blue eyes kept glazing over as Dobby went on and on and on and on and on and on.

She was seriously considering stabbing herself in the eyeball with an ice pick one of the other house elves handily left on a close by table when Minerva McGonagall’s voice echoed through the kitchens. “Dobby!”

Bellatrix sighed with relief. Thank Merlin!

“Oh no’s you don’ts.” Dobby narrowed his eyes at a suddenly much perkier looking Trixie. “You is coming with me!” He had grabbed her arm and jerked her through the kitchens floo, and into Severus Snape’s quarters before Bellatrix had even known it was happening.

She jerked her arm free from his grasp and growled at him. “Unhand me you fool!”

Dobby wrung his hands fretfully as he turned to face the Headmistress and Harry Potter-Malfoy.“I is so sorry.” He groveled. “She is being a Black family house elf before she is be coming to Hogwarts.”

Harry nodded knowingly. He was well acquainted with the attitude problems exhibited by Black family house elves.

“Don’t you dare apologize for me you....” Bellatrix started to rant, then nearly swallowed her own tongue as her eyes landed on the ghost of Tom Riddle standing just behind Harry. “Master.” She choked.

“Please...” Harry held his hand up. “Don’t call me master.” He said pompously.

Trixie nodded slowly. Her eyes were still riveted on the glorious sight of Tom Riddle.

Beside Tom, Myrtle clutched his arm tighter and pulled him close against her.

Bellatrix glared bullets at the homely ghost. How dare that mudblood whore touch even the ghost of her beloved Master?

From her place at Tom’s side Myrtle glared right back at the diminutive servant. She couldn’t care less if it was just a house elf. She didn’t like the way that little bitch was ogling her boyfriend.


TBC…???