All I Ever Wanted

DISCLAIMER: Warning! I make no claim to any property of J.K. Rowling's, and am in no way profiting by this. I do offer her my sincerest thanks for allowing us this garden of the mind in which we play. Further Warning! This story...and likely any I ever write...are dominated by gay themes and characters. That's how it is, if this in any way makes you uncomfortable...do not read further.



"All I Ever Wanted" chap. 25 'Fear Hurts'

Saturday morning was a moment of bliss and a nice change of pace. Harry and Draco woke early and managed to actually make it through the process of showering and dressing without an attack of tawdry teen lust.

This was largely due to the cramping of formerly unused muscles that plagued Draco's every step, and the lingering soreness that Harry was not enjoying at all, despite Draco's many claims that it was his favorite part of the 'after sex' experience.

Harry had an appointment with Professor McGonagall, but they still had plenty of time to enjoy a first public breakfast as a couple. Given the mood of at least a few Gryffindors and Slytherins, maybe a public reminder that the matter of Harry and Draco dating was closed to discussion would do a little good.

They walked the hallways and stairs holding hands, which was something that made more than a few students quiet and nervous, but then again, perhaps the fact that two members of Harry's own house had just been hospitalized for even threatening his boyfriend had something to do with the stares they received.

Breakfast was just getting underway when they walked in, and the room was dead silent as soon as it registered on the other students that the most infamous couple in the history of Hogwarts had just entered.

Harry and Draco paused in shock. This kind of intense scrutiny was really unnerving! They scanned the room, looking for hostility, but finding nothing more than curiousity, jealousy and a little awe. Then someone started to clap. Several Gryffindors stood and started to join the applauding student. Blaise and Pansy joined next, inciting another handful of Slytherins and Gryffindors to throw themselves into the mix. Hufflepuff almost rose as one, in large part due to their inherent sentimentality (these were the kids who would one day cry at every wedding, after all), and with reluctance, the rest of the room finally relented and added themselves to the ovation.

Draco was flushing scarlet with acute embarrassment. Harry was just staring like a poleaxed steer, numb with shock but too stubborn to fall over.

Hermione walked to them and pointed to the front of the room, "We had a special table set up for you a couple days ago, just down from the staff table. We were just waiting for both of you to make it down together. Take your seats! Go on, everyone's waiting!"

They walked through the cheering hall, waving hello to friends and making sheepish thanks to classmates. The staff looked like they largely approved, though Snape looked utterly horrified at this kind of public spectacle. Dumbledore, however, had a twinkle in his eye that was visible from the other end of the hall!

The boys sat down as the cheering subsided and gave them a moment's peace and a chance to recover a hint of dignity. That's when Harry picked up the copy of the Daily Prophet that graced their private table.

The headline blared: 'THE BOY WHO LOVED? Saviour Of Wizarding World Dating Malfoy Heir!' The article that followed was wildly inaccurate and full of speculation, but not the usual spiteful gossip, there was even an odd tone of affectionate curiosity to the entire article.

Draco looked stricken, after all, he was a celebrity in his own right, but Harry's fame suddenly became real to him for the first time. At least the pictures of him were good; he'd had perfect hair, but he hated the sneer he used to wear more than ever when he saw it looking at him from the page, right next to Harry's wide smile and friendly sincerity.

"Well, I guess a formal announcement won't be necessary in the society pages, hmm?" Draco fell back on nervously quipping to cut the weird tension. Harry giggled and ran his hand threw his hair, then looked at the Gryffindor table, where his friends and a few other were signing 'thumbs up' to him.

"This is the craziest thing I've ever seen. I hate the limelight, but I guess it loves us. Gods, it just dawned on me that we may never get any peace outside of Hogwarts! What if every step we make gets watched like the royals?" Harry was reeling at the thought that such an inconvenience might make Draco's life as difficult as his own.

Draco tucked into a sweet roll with gusto, washing some down with tea, then shrugged nonchalantly. "Why wouldn't they? After all, I can't imagine anything better than me being with you. Why shouldn't the rest of the world want the same, even though they can only ever live it vicariously through the Prophet?"

Draco's tone was all glib innocence, but his eyes spoke of the importance of what he'd just said. Harry wasn't blind, a bit near-sighted, but not blind. He smiled across the table and was faintly flushed with pride while he heaped food onto his plate and started piling into a breakfast that made Draco's look like a light snack.

"How is it that you can hold all that and still look that good. Really, Harry, that's an obscene amount of food."

"C'mon, love, I've been on short rations or sick for most of the week, I'm starved for a real breakfast. You wonder how I have the energy for 'ahem' performing at night, well, sports cars don't run on fumes." Harry was smirking, in between mouthfuls of eggs, kippers, toast and preserves.

Draco couldn't help but laugh. This day was starting off too well. Compared to the usual grind this felt positively unnatural. That cursed word, surreal, came back to him again. He'd have to give that word up entirely, surreal was quickly becoming his reality.

Their breakfast was a pleasure, despite the interruption of students wandering up to offer congratulations or praise their courage. The one Gryffindor that had quickly healed from Harry's attack came forward, albeit very sheepishly, and apologized thoroughly for making an ass of himself, then slunk back to his seat looking relieved that his apology had been accepted so graciously.

It was strange, eating apart from their classmates for the first time, but it had its charm. Particularly since a gesture like this showed a huge undercurrent of support for them, and that was something neither Harry nor Draco had expected.

Draco had plans to work on Slytherin changes with Blaise and Pansy, and Harry had special detention with McGonagall, so when the breakfast hour was over they rose to leave.

Draco, feeling impish and rebellious, leaned over and gave Harry a quick and chaste kiss on the cheek, drawing whistles and cheers from around the room, then he sauntered away, only turning his head to wink at Harry once before he left. Harry stood stock still, painfully aware of all the attention on him. Ron and Hermione strolled up, all smiles.

"Didn't count on that did ya, mate?" Ron barked, punching Harry on the shoulder.

Hermione chimed in. "We passed the word to a few people that you two had dealt with a lot of utter nonsense and needed a break. Looks like it worked." She had the air about her of one who had planned a successful surprise party and had enjoyed the shocked looks of the guest of honor.

"You...you planned this? Guys, I can't believe you. This was brilliant! I just wish I'd had a little warning...I mean...you know I hate all that attention and rubbish, but this was still sweet, especially the private table. I hadn't even thought of where we were going to sit. It could have pissed a few people off if we snubbed one house for the other."

Harry was impressed by that most thoughtful gesture. It really helped, especially in light of Draco's efforts to pacify Slytherin's enmity with all other human beings in Hogwarts.

Ron was beaming. "If we can't embarrass our own chums who can we embarrass? Hermione thought of the table, I just wanted some of the lads to give you two a cheer. That, and I had a few words with Ferguson, the one you popped in the throat. Told him he'd never sleep a safe night in Gryffindor this year if he didn't make nice right quick. The daft fucks cost us 100 points, and I know 50 were yours, but they wouldn't have happened at all if they'd shut their bloody gobs and left well enough alone. You shoulda heard what Neville said to 'em! I've never even seen him pissed before. He threatened to hang 'em from the tower windows by their feet and cover the ledge above them with pigeon seed! I thought I'd bust a gut!"

Hermione broke off Ron's rant. "Really, Harry, those two louts were an exception to the rule. We just wanted you to know how many people are happy for you, even if they're still not sure about Draco, they believe in you and they want you to be happy."

"An' it doesn't hurt having the former President and Founder of the 'We Hate Draco Malfoy Society' as your spokesperson either! I figure why not, after all, you were the Treasurer and Hermione was the Secretary and Vice President. I may not be switching over to being a full time 'Malfoy cheerleader', but you were right, he's not at all like I'd thought he'd be. Pretty decent at the core, too bad he hid it under all that silly shite all this time."

Ron's speech had left Harry floored. He grabbed Ron and pulled him into a bear hug, picking the huge red headed prat up off the ground for a minute then dropping him back to his feet.

"You're the best, mate. You too, 'Mione. How do I even say how much I love you two? I have detention with McGonagall coming, so I have to run, but we have to hold a private celebration... mine and Draco's place, soonest! How's that?"

Hermione and Ron agreed and Harry tousled Ron's hair and planted a wet kiss on Hermione's forehead, then started off to detention. Ron held Hermione's hand quietly while they watched him leave.

Hermione looked up at Ron, still beaming with pride. "I don't think I've ever seen him that happy. You know, I thought you'd be more of a pain about this; I'm very proud of you, Ron."

Ron blushed furiously and looked down, "Oh, fuck all, 'Mione. He always was there for us, even when he shouldn't have been. What am I supposed to do, tell him to piss off after six years just 'cause he's shag-crazy for Mal- Draco? Can't. He's a good mate, an' if it makes him this happy, I guess I'll learn to deal."

He was scuffing his feet on the floor and looked for all the world like a mutant giant eight year old who'd just been caught in the cookie jar and had no excuse. Hermione wrapped her arm around his waist and leaned against his chest.

"Come on, O Master Of Poetry, let's take a trip to the Astronomy Tower."

"It's broad daylight! What the hell would we..."Ron stopped cold as sudden realization struck him. "Oh right...ya know, the stars are lovely this time of day, least, that's what I hear. Let's go." And off they went to start their weekend with something along the lines of a bang.

Harry made it to McGonagall's office in timely fashion, as it wouldn't due to rile the professor when he needed to ask for time off on his first day of detention. She sat, bespectacled and prim, shuffling through papers on her desk. When Harry sat down she let him wait, then stood to address him formally.

"Well, Mr. Potter, as you have been ill this past week, your detentions shall consist of making up the considerable body of homework you have missed in all your classes. Further, two nights each week will be spent on Occlumency, with the hopeful side effect of bringing about some sense of self-control over your impulses. The Headmaster will be here to see you shortly as well, so I suggest you make a good start on your studies. This detention, being a Saturday, shall last three hours. On class days it will only be two. Sundays you may have off, but you may still not leave the grounds of Hogwarts or venture to Hogsmeade until I inform you otherwise. Are we understood?"

"Yes, professor, but I have one request. It's very important, I promise." Harry answered as earnestly as he could, hoping McGonagall was in a better mood than yesterday.

"Very well, I shall hear it, but do make it brief. I have several errands I must attend to shortly." Minerva McGonagall was curious as to what could possess Harry to request something of her so soon into detention.

"Draco's father is supposed to be sentenced to the Kiss soon. He asked me to go to Azkaban with him while he visits his father, I think he needs the help to get through it. I don't like Lucius, but Draco really needs me. If you'd give me permission to leave grounds for the afternoon I'd be very grateful." Harry had tried to keep his tone level, but subtlety wasn't really his strong suit. He was blushing and staring at his feet by the time he was done.

Minerva looked piercingly at the gangling young man that she'd watched grow from a pale and sickly little boy. Everything with the young was so passionate, so extreme. If she sometimes seemed hard as flint, it was to maintain order despite an instinctive urge to empathize.

Harry had seemed so quiet, so desperately sad and alone after Sirius' death. She'd feared for the boy's mental health after so much loss and pain. This 'thing' with young Malfoy may not be entirely to her liking, as it smacked of dangerous co-dependence on their parts, but she did admit that Harry seemed happy again. Who was she to spoil a minute of that?

"As you wish, Harry. That's a sound reason for absence. If I might offer a word of advice, recall that acting on blind rage and doing whatsoever pleases oneself is precisely how people such as Lucius Malfoy wound up in Azkaban in the first place. I cannot tell you how much it would disappoint many of us to see you come to such a sordid fate, Harry. The Headmaster will be by soon. Your classwork has been compiled and placed on the desk before you. I shall be back before long. Do try your best."

With that, she departed, wondering if she had been too easy on him. Traditionally, a near murder would merit expulsion, but Harry had always been an exception to almost every rule. It didn't seem right to treat him differently, but he was a remarkably sweet and earnest boy when he wasn't haring off into heroics.

Harry had been at his Advanced Charms papers for almost twenty minutes, when Albus Dumbledore strolled in quietly and took a seat beside him. He was going to apologize for his outburst the last time they'd spoken, but Albus held a hand up for silence even as Harry opened his mouth.

"Harry, there is no need for an apology, you were quite distraught that evening. I am here to speak to you about your vision, however, and your relationship with Draco as well. Harry, I know perfectly well that there was more to your vision than you admitted. You weren't well and I let it pass, but you must understand that defeating Voldemort is more important than any of our feelings. I'd like you to share it all with me. If you aren't comfortable speaking of it we could use Occlumency...if you prefer. Not merely because of the needs of war, but also because I believe that your vision has taken a toll on your personal well-being...and you should know that I will always help you in any way that I can."

Harry was silent, he'd not even told Draco the exact details of his visions ending. He'd tried hard not to think of it the last couple days. Now Dumbledore had called him on it, and he knew the old man was right. Like always.

His throat felt thick when he told Dumbledore everything, every cruel detail of that vision. The part that had sent him into convulsions had been the moment when he realized Draco was behind him on the dream fogged streets of Hogsmeade. Harry had known in the vision that he was supposed to be concentrating on Voldemort, but he was afraid of losing Draco. He hesitated, and Voldemort saw and understood in an instant what Harry's weakness was, then ruthlessly exploited it. A Slashing Spell tore open Draco's perfect neck, and the spray had been a red fountain that spattered Harry's face with tiny red drops. He'd actually smelled and tasted the coppery tang of his lover's blood when it struck him. Draco fell in a crumpled and lifeless heap, and Harry's world had gone black.

When he woke, all he'd known was that someone else he loved would die horribly, because of him, because of a stupid prophecy. Like his parents, or Cedric Diggory, or most of all Sirius Black.

The first time Harry had felt like he had a family who cared about him, it had been because of Sirius. Sirius had been Harry's last link to his parents, and then Bellatrix Lestrange had cut him down before Harry had even gotten used to feeling that love. At the core of his soul, Harry was frightened of one thing more than any other. If he loved someone, they might be taken away from him, killed for a war that wasn't their fault, but Harry's.

Once he'd started, the rest poured out. The panicked outburst at the thought of Draco fighting for the Order; the loss of his sanity in the hall when Draco was threatened by others. He wept openly on Albus Dumbledore's shoulder after he'd let it all out. Harry wasn't at all ashamed, just tired of being afraid. Fear hurt, and fear of losing someone he loved hurt more than anything else ever had.

Harry didn't notice it, buried in Dumbledore's shoulder, but the elder wizard had a tear in his eye, too. This world sometimes sickened him. The notion that children should have their innocence and happiness ripped from them, only to suffer as Harry had, utterly repulsed him.

It was hard at times to remember what he was fighting for, as the world was cruel and hard even without the likes of Tom Riddle. So much pointless death and sorrow, all for a few grasping moments of paltry power. Albus wished he could cast a spell that would solve it all and soothe away the world's hurts, but he'd long outgrown the naivete to believe in miracle cures.

All he could do was try to give Harry enough strength to keep going, and hope that he could help bring the prophecy to fruition with Harry as the final victor. That was a lot to hope for, but it was the only hope the world had at the moment.