One wish alone have I

Chapter 18, part 2
The betrayal

The following night was a Friday and I usually did not teach, unless a student needed a private lesson, which was fortunately not the case. I made my routine check on the lab potions during the afternoon, while Severus was teaching a double class to a group of second-year students, and I patiently waited for the sun to go down by reading in the teacher’s lounge, for a change. Professor Flitwick was there, smoking a pipe, and his calm and quiet presence reminded me a lot of the afternoons I sometimes spent with Vlad in Zaharia’s library.

After an uneventful evening, I waited for Severus to fall asleep, then I cautiously extracted myself from the loose embrace of his arms. I had asked him to come with me to Remus’ bedside, but he had refused. Dumbledore had told me that Arthur and Molly had visited him earlier during the day, and Remus was apparently awake. A bit groggy because of the potions he had to take, but awake. I got dressed in silence and took flight by the office’s window.

I found the hospital easily (thanks to Dumbledore’s instructions) and Apparated a few streets away, before I Transfigured again. All windows were closed at this time of the year, which did not make things easy for me. Nevertheless, I found a ventilation opening on the floor where Remus’ room was located, and flew in that way. I sneaked my head through a few doorframes in the corridor, hidden under a Disillusionment Charm, of course, and tried to locate his presence better, which was unmistakably nearby.

When I finally found him, I noticed that he was not alone in his room; there were three other patients sleeping in beds next to him. I adjusted my hood over my head and silently walked towards his bed. Fortunately, it was located right next to the window, which allowed me to remove the Disillusionment Charm and keep my face turned away from the others’ glances.

My dear friend was sleeping when I reached his bedside. His slow and regular breaths lifted a lock of greying hair that had fallen on his cheek, but the tickles it probably gave him did not seem to disturb his sleep. He was awfully pale (the ugly green of the hospital robes was not helping the matter at all), but I was relieved to see that his lycanthropy scars had healed well and were lighter on his skin. I delicately removed the lock of hair from his face, sat on the bed, and watched over his slumber for a while. A Legilimency probe told me that he was very relaxed; it reassured me that he was not in any pain at the moment. We must have stayed like that for half an hour; I did not want to wake him up, but just as I decided to write a little note to let him know that I had been there, I felt his mind emerging from sleep little by little. I stroked his long fingers with mine until his greyish blue eyes came into sight from under his heavy eyelids. They were smiling.

“Hey… look who’s here…” said the hoarse voice I particularly loved.

“Officially, nobody,” I replied, with a wink. “Forgive my late visit, but it had to be rather clandestine…”

“Of course, of course…”

“It is so good to see you are awake, Remus! Are you in any pain?”

“Not now,” he answered. “They give me pain-control potions that are quite powerful. I get a bit confused at times, however, so you will have to forgive me if I start speaking nonsense.”

“Do not worry about that, my dear; I am used to hearing you speaking nonsense anyway,” I taunted. “Do you know what hex hit you?”

“The Healers figured it out pretty fast; my bones were as fragile as glass when I was brought here. I had many fractures from the fall, but they fixed them all during the time I was in a coma. I think I got hit by another hex after or during my fall; that hex isn’t supposed to make one lose consciousness like that.”

“Why did they say that you would take a couple of months to fully recover from your injuries?”

“Though they repaired the fractures, the hex is still affecting my body from the hips down. My bones are as fragile as they were and my muscles are completely numb and useless, for now. I can’t even attempt walking until weeks after these effects dissipate. After that, I will have to go through physiotherapy… and well, let’s just say that the full moons will regularly make us lose some of the progress we make here,” he added, with an ironic and sad smile.

“I am sorry, Remus,” I simply replied, stroking his arm empathically. “Do they plan to keep you here for a long time?”

“At least until the effects of the hex dissipate. I can barely be moved from the bed; they cannot risk sending me home now. When my bones are stronger, there will be a possibility of me going back home and coming here three times a week for physio… they offered to send someone to me instead, but for some strange reason, I refused…”

“I will help you prepare your convalescence there; you will not have to worry about anything,” I assured him.

“Thanks,” he said, squeezing my hand in his. “Arthur and Molly have already offered to take me to the Burrow with them if I can’t manage to be autonomous at home during the first days or weeks. Molly will accompany me here when I come for my treatments.”

“Looks like you are all taken care of, dearest! Is there anything I could do?”

“For now, not much… your coming here is very much appreciated. However…” he hesitated. “If it’s not too much to ask… and feel free to refuse if it’s too much trouble, I will understand… but they have planned to lock me in isolation during the next full moon and, well… it will be on the 24th…. They will give me some Wolfsbane, of course, and all the work we have been doing together since you came here is starting to really show… but I think I would control myself even better if you were in there with me.”

“Of course I will be there, you silly! You are making amazing progress; you really think I would risk all of it by skipping a couple of months? I will manage, do not worry about that.”

“Thanks… you don’t know how much it means to me.… But while you’re at it… do you think you could bring a plate of your chocolate pudding with you? You know… as if by chance?” he asked, with his best wolf-cub eyes. “Don’t tell Molly, she would jinx you… but yours is the best I’ve ever tasted!”

“All right, I will make some,” I chuckled, relieved to see that my friend was indeed recovering pretty fast. “And I could even make you sample a few potions that would make you forget all your worries in the blink of an eye!”

Whispering as low as I could, I briefed Remus about the last nights’ events and my task as an illegal potions brewer for the Dark Lord. Remus was apparently relieved that I would not do any selling; he said that this part of the task would have been quite dangerous. He only sighed and shook his head in disapproval when I mentioned the peculiar way in which I had to Kiss Pettigrew.

“I don’t want to blame you, Antanasia,” he commented, after I finished talking, “but I think you might have made a mistake when you didn’t remove all pain from the Kiss. I know that, given the Dark Lord’s presence, it was the right choice to make, but still… Pettigrew decides pretty fast on who is his enemy or not, and I fear that you may have gained an enemy when you Kissed him the way you did. He might not show it, but he’s as bad as Severus when it’s time to nurse grudges; he will not forget this. Be particularly careful about what you say and do when he is around; he will not hesitate for a second to do you harm if he has the opportunity.”

“He seems to be a vicious person, indeed,” I whispered.

“He is. He was like that when we were young. I remember that he could wait for months, at school, until he got his revenge. To give you an idea, I remember that James and Sirius had hidden some sexy pictures in his History of Magic schoolbooks during our second year, and a Slytherin student saw them when they fell onto the floor. He had been sent to detention and was ridiculed for it a long time afterwards. He planned his revenge very carefully and did the same to me at the end of the school year.”

“To you? Why you?”

“Oh, he worshipped and feared James and Sirius far too much to play pranks on them, but his narrow mind figured that doing me harm would get to them all the same. We were just adolescents, then. He can play much harder now.”

“I get your point,” I replied, patting his forearm reassuringly.

Remus and I chatted about merrier subjects for a while, and then I let him rest. I found every bit of the friendly warmth he could give me when he gently hugged me against his chest as we said goodbye. I promised him I would come back soon; it widened his smile and brought healthier colours to his pale cheeks.

~*~

April came, chasing away the last cold days of the season. The nights were growing noticeably shorter and I started spending slightly more time inside the castle, given that my schedule forced me to go to sleep earlier and get up when the sun was at its brightest. I had plenty of things to keep me busy, however; Severus and I had many different potions to brew for the Dark Lord. We had tried to make sham versions of the most dangerous of them, for ethical reasons, but the potential dealers who tasted them complained that the effect was not strong enough. With a sigh, Dumbledore granted us permission to brew the real ones… to which Severus merely retorted, once we were alone on our lab, that the things those smackies did with their money and brain cells was unfortunate, but not his problem. I had difficulty, at first, to buy his argument and found him rather harsh and unfair. Nevertheless, after seeing how well our potions sold, I was forced to admit that there was indeed a market for this… and it only showed me that there was little that we could do about it, given the position we were in.

Nevertheless, in his efforts to catch the Lestranges, Mister Moody freed the illicit potions market from several potion dealers. Oh, they were usually not very influential or powerful, as it was typically the small ones who were caught, but he was in a better mood now that some serious action was going on. He seemed to be the type of wizard who was happier and felt more alive trailing a prey than sitting comfortably at home. Ironically, his mood and captures helped my conscience a bit; at least, the illegal potions we brewed had some positive impact on society, in the end.

On the evening of April twentieth, as I was reviewing the potion ingredients we would need for the following day’s lessons, I had the surprise of Severus coming behind me and starting to massage my shoulders. I leaned my head back against his stomach and let him continue, waiting for what would come next. His hands left my shoulders for a second, and then deployed a long black scarf in front of my eyes. My skin instinctively shivered in anticipation.

Severus covered my eyes with the scarf and tied it behind my head. He then took my hand and made me get up. When I understood that he was slowly guiding me to his quarters, I gave him a large grin and followed him docilely. I heard him open his private rooms’ door, and we both walked in. He made me stop at a place I estimated to be between the fireplace and the bed.

“So… what is all this about, Severus?” I asked, still smiling widely.

“You will see,” he enigmatically replied. “But I am sure you will not expect what is coming next.”

“Well, then… surprise me…” I purred.

I felt his hands helping me remove my teaching robes, which I heard him fling on an armchair nearby. He then started unbuttoning the robes I wore underneath, sending small but delicious shivers down my spine each time his fingers brushed against my skin. When those robes fell loosely on the floor around my feet, his intentions seemed very clear to me. I patiently waited for him to undo my bra, but when I felt my breasts completely offered to the open air, I lost a little bit of patience. Understanding that his hands were not about to touch me there, I found one of them and pressed it against my naked flesh.

“I am afraid that this is not what I have in mind, at the moment…” he said, giving in to the temptation to slowly caress my breast all the same.

“Really? For a man who does not have those intentions in mind, you seem to be enjoying yourself a little bit, at least…” I taunted.

“You are right, and that is why it has to stop now,” he replied seriously, removing his hand.

“Oh, but I loved those intentions,” I pouted, trying to find his face with my fingertips.

“The only thing is, once we begin this… we cannot restrain ourselves,” he explained mischievously, walking away from me. “Wait right here and remove your boots and socks.”

I could hardly figure out how getting me even more undressed should have confirmed that he did not have sex in mind, but I complied. He came back seconds later and asked me to lift my arms over my head. Soft fabric slid against my naked skin and I recognized the touch of satin. Once the piece of clothing flew gracefully all the way down, Severus stepped behind me and started fastening the small and delicate hooks that closed it behind my back. Well, behind my back is a bit exaggerated; my back was almost completely bare and the hooks were over its bottom part only.

Severus took my hand and made me sit down on his bed. He crouched in front of me and took my feet in his hands, one after the other, to make me put on a pair of shoes. He took a minute or two to enjoy the view, it seemed; he did not get up during that time and simply caressed my calves and ankles in silence. Once he seemed satisfied, he made me get up and led me to a corner of the room.

When he removed the black scarf, I saw my reflection in the large psyche of his bedroom and my mouth fell open to then draw a large smile. I was wearing a splendid burgundy dress made of satin, as I had guessed. Its lines were very simple and yet it was elegance incarnate. The neckline looped all the way behind my neck and opened in one long slit that ended between my breasts. The back was fully open, as I had felt, and the fabric tightly wrapped my waist, hips and thighs to then open on the front of my left leg in a cascade of delicate and very small frills. The shoes were made of black leather; they had an open toe, a high heel, and were tied around my ankles. They reminded me a lot of one of my favourite pairs of shoes.

“So… what do you think?” asked Severus after a while, wondering what my silence meant.

“I think you have chosen marvellously! This dress is breathtaking, Severus! And the shoes! Lovely!”

“Then why the puzzled glance?”

“I do not know what the occasion is! Surely you do not expect me to work in the lab dressed like this!” I teased.

“Obviously not, my dear… tonight, you and I have a date,” he explained, with a smile curling up at one corner of his lips. “Do you think you will be available?”

“I might have to cancel a meeting or two… but that should be manageable…. Where are we going?”

“That is a surprise…”

“From the way you have been surprising me tonight, I am sure it will be a nice one!” I said, enticing him into my arms.

When he pulled back from my embrace after accepting my grateful kisses, I noticed a slight change in his appearance. He was still wearing a dark frock coat, but it was green rather than black and opened at the front. I saw a vest of a slightly lighter shade of green with very fine silvery straps on it underneath his coat, with, of course, an immaculate white shirt. This time, his appealing throat was not protected by a tight silk necktie; the collar of his shirt was not lifted up and he simply wore a regular tie around it.

He looked devastatingly virile, dressed like that, and I almost gave in to the temptation of pushing him on his bed and making the date take place right where we stood.

Nevertheless, I kept in mind that he obviously had exerted himself on this surprise and I only said, “You look incredibly handsome, dressed like this, my darling. I will consider myself very lucky to be on your arm tonight.”

He smirked, looked away for his cloak and took it from the back of an armchair. I interpreted this as a positive sign that my comment had hit the desired target. We stepped in his office and he locked the door behind us, after I took a few minutes to charm my hair into a delicate chignon (the back of that dress just had to be shown, in Severus’ opinion, which I fully shared). When I went to my quarters to retrieve my cloak, it was nowhere to be found. Severus let me look for it for a few seconds before he discreetly coughed.

“Your cloak is in my pocket. You will forgive me if I stole it from you, but I thought it would not be suitable to wear it as it was, with a dress like this. Engorgio!” he said, pointing his wand at a tiny white square in the palm of his hand.

I gasped when the cloak reached its full size. It was completely white and made of the softest possible fur.

“Severus! Is that ermine?” I asked, with amazed eyes.

“It is Transfigured ermine,” he corrected, with a satisfied smile. “I thought it would look better that way, for tonight…”

“It must have taken you ages to reproduce the fur correctly! That is quite an impressive bit of magic!” I exclaimed, running my fingers on the smooth cloak.

He helped me put it on, and I noticed how he had enlarged the hood as well, making it frame my head more loosely while creating an aura of purity around my face. He had made the cloak longer as well; its back formed a small train behind me as I walked.

“That cloak makes me feel like the Lady of Zaharia, all of a sudden!” I giggled, completely thrilled by my new appearance.

“Good,” he said, running a long finger down my cheek, “that is exactly how I want you to feel tonight. Shall we go? A carriage is waiting for us in front of the main door.”

I followed Severus outside. We did not meet any student on the way, fortunately; they were all in the Great Hall for dinner, and we avoided being asked any tricky questions, even if only with a curious glare. The carriage brought us near a quiet pasture on the other side of Hogsmeade. Severus tied the Thestral to a fence and gallantly helped me stepping out of the carriage.

I Disapparated in his arms without knowing where we would arrive. The answer came a split second later. In front of me, I saw a splendid lake, near which I knew many other smaller lakes were catching the sunset like little pieces of a broken mirror. The wind had fallen at that period of the evening, so the surface of the lake was perfectly still and smooth. Nevertheless, I knew that mist usually slithered around the small rocks emerging here and there, when morning came closer. The shores were shaped a little differently from the lake I knew, but the dark outlines of the hills surrounding it could not be mistaken for anything else. Their wild and harsh beauty was exceptional to those whose eyes had learned how to appreciate the delicateness of the grey stone peaks on which very little vegetation could grow. My heart shivered in its exultation.

I was home!

“Severus, we are in Connemara!” I exclaimed, my voice trembling with the suddenness of the joy I felt.

“In Maam Cross, to be precise,” he softly replied.

“How did you… oh, of course!” I giggled. “You checked my Hogwarts file again!”

“There is plenty of useful information in that file, you know,” he said, encircling my waist with his long arm.

“By Morgan, it has been decades since last time I walked on these shores… I used to play here as a child! Right there, you see that very old oak tree? I used to climb on its highest branches and thought nobody would find me there… and sometimes, it worked!”

“Shall we go inside?” he suggested. “I hate to press you, but I made a reservation for 6:30…”

“Yes, yes, of course! If you promise me we will come back to take a stroll here after dinner.”

“I am here to fufill your wishes, tonight.”

He gave me his arm and escorted me to a small restaurant located behind us. I was startled when I saw it; that space was a wild field when I was young, but civilization had grown, obviously, and so had the little village in which I was born.

Once we were properly seated and were served our cocktails, Severus took my hand over the table and raised his glass.

“Happy birthday, Antanasia,” he cheered, surprising me once more. “I know that cainites usually prefer to celebrate rebirthdays, but I did not know which date was yours. On the other hand, I could easily find your birthday date…”

“In my file,” I joyfully completed, giggling merrily. “So you know my age… Merlin! I am in trouble!”

“You can claim to be the oldest woman I have ever… been with, but I do not even know if that says good or bad things about me!” he teasingly replied, taking a sip of his drink.

“Or about the horrible way I have depraved a man so young as yourself!” I taunted back.

We had a memorable dinner together. The restaurant was owned by a Belgian wizard and his wife. The place was very cosy and intimate; we shared it with only a few other customers, mostly couples who were too absorbed by each other’s presence to care about us. The Blood potion I had was excellent and very skilfully prepared; Severus said that his mussels were just the same as well. In addition, none of the waiters who saw to our needs during the evening seemed disgusted or even disturbed by the meal I was having, which betrayed my belonging to the cainite breed. They were all an example of courtesy and discretion, and it made the dinner even more enjoyable.

Severus took me to a small theatre afterwards; he had tickets for a musical concert there. The soloist wizard who was playing that night was a certain Bartholomew Sheridan. Pointing out his name in the program with a wink, Severus made me notice that he might be one of my family’s descendants, especially given the abundant amount of hair that cascaded past his shoulders. We did not try to really find out, of course, but simply enjoyed the concert, which featured Dvorak’s New World symphony and Beethoven’s violin concerto. I appreciated the way Severus wrapped his arm protectively around my shoulders to let me curl up against him, once the room was plunged in the dark.

“It was good to hear Ludwig’s music live again,” I commented, as we slowly walked along the lake shores after the concert.

“Oh, so you and he are on a first name basis?” he replied.

“We are, my sweet… believe it or not, but Ludwig and I were… intimate, at a certain period.”

“Wait a second…” he said, musing at the though. “But that means you were a cainite, at the time!”

“I was, but I do not think he ever knew,” I confirmed. “It was very fashionable for women to be that pale, during those times. Women with healthy-looking cheeks were ridiculed and despised, because the nobility considered people working in the crops all day long as inferior! And, well… my preference to have him teach me pianoforte during evenings only triggered his interest even more. You heard the rumours about his… close teaching methods? There was some truth in it!”

“Poor Antanasia,” he teased, “yet another teacher who uses that kind of physical proximity with his students…”

“Yes, yes, it is true!” I exclaimed, giggling, when I understood he was referring to a comment I made that had offended him, ages ago in Zaharia. “And whose grumpiness is simply legendary!”

“Was he really the irascible man people say he was?”

“Not really. Ludwig was an artist, so he had an… artistic temper, which means that he could be the happiest man on earth one minute… and totally angry or discouraged a minute later. His deafness made things worse; it was terribly humiliating for him! And restraining, for such an extroverted man! And most of the time, he did not answer people’s inquiries or reply to their salute simply because he did not hear them. If he had been in our world… things would have been much different, unfortunately. I refrained so many times from using Legilimency on him to help him communicate… or to make him hear the wonders he composed!”

“Were you very fond of him?” he asked, with a slight touch of worry.

“Oh, not really. Ludwig and I did not really have what I could call a relationship together. I spent a few years in Vienna with Ivantie and thought that taking lessons with such a master was a chance that would not present itself again. We became good friends and I did care for him. I loved his passionate enthusiasm even if it was destructive at times, and I respected his talent immensely, but I do not think I was more important than that for him and he, for me.”

“So his letter to the “immortal beloved” was not addressed to you?” he said, with a small smile.

“No, I do not think so!” I exclaimed, laughing. “I think he wrote it before we even met, which was in a private reception during which he improvised brilliantly for over an hour. But your theory is very clever, I had not thought about that possibility. Maybe he did know about our kind, after all…”

We chatted agreeably like that until our walk led us to a little wood bench surrounded by small bushes. The night had fallen a few hours ago and the moon had already started to rise. It was two nights before it would be full, so its light bathed everything around beautifully, spreading a veil of peacefulness over our surroundings as much as it did over our souls. When Severus cleared his throat and took my hand, I saw that he was holding a small black velvet box. That sight had such an impact on me that I felt as if the whole content of the lake had been thrown in my face at once.

“Antanasia, I wanted to wait for the proper moment to give you this… and I think that the moment has come.”

He opened the box and I saw its content catching the moonlight and sparkling faintly. Looking closer, I discerned a splendid pair of earrings. They were made of one long vertical row of small diamonds, at the end of which a single pearl was placed. Its shine was unnatural; it mixed the creamy glow of the pearl with soft shades of blue when the light hit it. I recognised the expert and fine work of Elvish jewellers.

“I could have given them to you earlier, I know,” he explained, picking them from the box and placing them on my ears, “but I wanted to be the only one seeing you wear them for the first time.”

“Thank you, Severus,” I murmured, plunging my eyes in his.

“You look dazzlingly beautiful, Antanasia,” he softly said, lifting my chin gently with his thumb and finger to admire the result. “I think that this image of you will stay in my mind for a long, long time…”

We stayed on that bench for nearly an hour, warming each other with tender kisses and caresses, and cuddling against each other in our cloaks. When the night became too cold, Severus Apparated us directly to the carriage that brought us back to Hogwarts. Our cloaks and clothes disappeared in the blink of an eye the minute we closed his bedroom door behind us, leaving nothing other than the splendid earrings for me to wear for the rest of that memorable night.

~*~

“Tasia,” said Remus a bit hesitantly, after we chatted about the latest news, “as I told you earlier, the Healers are letting me go home in two days…”

“Yes, and that is great!” I replied, squeezing his arm.

“That means you’ll probably not visit me here before I go, or only once,” he continued, as uneasily. “Something has been on my mind for a few weeks, and I just either forgot or didn’t think it was the right moment to tell you. But you remember Alice and Frank Longbottom?”

“Of course, how could I forget them!”

“Well, as I told you, something terrible happened to them in 1981… and they were hospitalised here. They are on this floor, in the Janus Thickey ward. I just thought I would remind you, in case you would like to pay them a little visit.”

“Oh, Merlin…” I softly exclaimed. “I had not thought of that possibility… do you think I should?”

“It is entirely up to you, Tasia; I will not blame you if you don’t go. I was told that they don’t recognize their own son, so they will certainly not recognize you either.”

“Have the Healers tried Legilimency contact with them?”

“They have been trying repeatedly every month or so, from what one of the mediwitches here told me. No result,” he sadly concluded.

“I see… so as you said, it is really up to me… and my conscience.”

“Exactly. What do you think you’ll do?”

“Do you know if the ward is very restricted?”

“Not the room which they are in. They are not considered dangerous, so they let them wander around.”

“How come you know so much about their situation?” I asked.

“Oh… I didn’t have much to do during the day when the Healers were not on my case, so I chatted with the nurses and asked a few questions here and there.”

“Oh, the nurses, of course!” I exclaimed, with a teasing smile. “I am sure you had fascinating conversations with them!”

“I did, and stop thinking along that line, Tasia,” he retorted, waving a teasing finger at me. “So, will you go?”

“I do not see why I would not, at least to give me a clear conscience…” I finally replied, after a short moment of hesitation.

“Good. I’ll see you at home, I guess?” he said, with a significant glance.

“Certainly. It will be good to see you there again, dearest,” I said, giving him a warm hug. “If you need anything…”

“Don’t worry about me! Molly will pamper me like her eighth child!”

“No doubt she will… take care!”

And I left the room, with my face still carefully hidden under my hood. I followed Remus’ directions and found the Permanent Spell Damage ward easily. Feeling my way to Alice was not something I could do, as I did not know her intimately enough and her mind would not react to my probe, so I simply hid myself under a Disillusionment Charm and went to the mediwitches’ desk. I found several rolls of parchment there, classified in small compartments against the wall. I discreetly peeked at their contents until I found the Longbottoms’, at last, which gave me their room number.

Still hidden by the charm, I sneaked into their room and found them in their beds, sleeping peacefully. I barely recognized Alice, at first; I was glad I had kept her bed number in mind. Her face was gaunt and the once shiny and healthy locks that framed it were faded and dull. In a way, I was relieved that she was asleep. The relative peacefulness I saw on her face compensated a little for the changes that her brutal torture and years of hospitalisation had done to it.

“Good night, Alice,” I whispered, not really knowing what to say. “I cannot express how sorry I am to find you here. If at least I could tell myself that your husband’s presence brings you any comfort, I would feel better… but I do not even think you know he is there. I guess the most important thing I want you to know is that I am incredibly grateful for everything you did for me. Our journey to Poland had its stressful times, but its sweet ones as well. You were an invaluable source of strength, understanding, and support in a very difficult period of my afterlife and I have not forgotten it. The little being that was growing in your womb at the moment has become a splendid young man, you know. I meet him every week, now, and he reminds me of you when he smiles. You would be proud of him… and maybe you are… he has very promising potential as a wizard, despite his shortcomings. Most of all, he possesses a very sweet soul. I am sure he will go far in his life and make a lot of people happy around him with his generous and warm personality. He is every bit of the wonderful person you expected him to be, when we spoke together about him, ages ago.”

Her face did not move once during my speech, of course, and I did not expect it to. I had expressed my gratitude many times to her in the past, so I did not feel like I owed her more of it. But still, expressing those things to her once again brought some sweetness to my soul and, despite her awful condition, I felt somewhat connected to her. I spent a few minutes at her bedside, and then a few more at her husband’s, long enough to collect my thoughts. When I left them, I repeated to myself that it was better to have seen them while they were sleeping. At least, I could fool myself into believing that they were just sleeping indeed…

A few nights later, once May officially knocked at the castle’s door, spring really showed it had come back. I cannot say that I fully appreciated the return of the sunny days, though the golden star still had its appeal to me. I was forced to teach with the windows open so the students would not suspect anything, but it meant that I was taxing my resistance to sun a lot more than I usually did at this period of the year. It left me less time to enjoy Hogwarts’ grounds after dinner before the sun went down.

Fortunately, I spent my evenings with Severus, either in his office, preparing the end of year exams and lessons, or in the lab, working on the several potions we were brewing at the same time. Our experiments had been somewhat put on hold around the Azkaban battle, but we still managed to find some time here and there to work on the three research projects we had started after my arrival at Hogwarts. The Blood detox potion was still giving us a hard time. We were able to produce a stable and homogenous compound, but its alcohol level was still very high because of the procedures we had to go through in order to fully blend the ingredients together.

Severus fooled me completely one night, by giving me a small glass to sample, telling me that it had tested very low on alcohol this time. Within minutes, Severus had become “Sheveruss” once more and not only did I avidly kiss his nose again, but I kissed many other body parts, making one thing lead to the other… until I humiliated my poor “Sheveruss” by falling asleep and starting to snore loudly as he was pleasing me with his mouth while I lay on one of the lab’s counters.

When we had a few minutes break, usually on weekends, Severus and I went for a night stroll in the Forbidden Forest. The trees started speaking to me again once they had grown their leaves, and they ravished my ears with all the things they babbled about. They were usually only talking about local events, but I liked to hear their voice all the same. To make things even better, Remus recovered well and made satisfying progresses in physiotherapy. He could already float around the house in his chair and would be trying to walk on crutches shortly after. The Death Eaters’ meetings were scarce, for Severus and me. As long as we brewed his potions and regularly reported about Dumbledore and Harry, the Dark Lord did not ask anything more from us and left us alone. Other than the news of Dolohov almost being caught in Canterbury and Mister Malfoy recruiting several new followers, we were pretty much kept in the dark about the escaped prisoners’ activities.

When June settled in and the end of year exams approached, I started talking about our plans for the summer with Severus. I suggested that we should take a few weeks out of the country, away from our troubles to just spend some quality time together, and exist for each other only. Each time I talked about it, he only let out a sigh that sounded half irritated and half painful and replied that we could not plan anything firm until we would be granted an official permission to leave by the Dark Lord himself. Apparently, he could be pretty harsh and unforgiving when one of his Death Eaters did not show up at once after being summoned to him. I insisted at first, and then stopped mentioning it, telling Severus that I left it up to him to plan where we would go during the holidays.

Things were generally going quite smoothly during lessons; nothing worthy of mentioning happened, other than the usual sources of irritation and glitches. Sometime in June, however, we were surprised to find two Slytherin students taking making wagers about our experiments. Severus started to show serious signs of impatience with the Counter-photodermatitis potion and had been trying more aggressive solutions to our burning problem. We had been unsuccessful with most of the ingredient variations we had tried, so his focus was placed more on the brewing process itself. The bolder spells he tried often brought the compound to critical levels of stability and some of them even created small to moderate explosions. As a result, the poor Slytherins were brutally woken up a couple of times in the middle of the night by a loud bang. Apparently, those incidents were becoming a bit too predictable and students were always on their guard if they suspected their Potions Master was starting a new trial… to the point of taking bets if that new trial would explode or not.

Their answer usually came within forty-eight hours or so after the trials started; either the compound exploded, or Severus stormed into the Great Hall in a killing mood or covered with stains… which usually came with a killing mood anyway. He was becoming more and more febrile and nervous with each passing week. I did not blame him; our workload was barely manageable for the two of us (Dumbledore had been right to suspect that Severus would not have been able to handle everything alone) and the students’ nervousness with the upcoming exams made the lessons more prone to volatile interactions. I never heard him say out loud that he needed a break, but his occasional mentions about how he was looking forward to the holidays and the unfortunately familiar dark shadows under his eyes expressed it for him.

Once the exams week was over, the intensive marking week began for us, while the students enjoyed a few more relaxed days in the castle. Severus had definitely something on his mind at that moment, but it did not translate into a reduced productivity; on the contrary, his focus on his tasks only increased and he marked almost twice as fast as I did. He did not volunteer any information about our holidays and was as courteous and caring with me as ever. Therefore, I concluded that he had a surprise in reserve for me and I simply waited for the end of the school year to finally see what he had prepared for us.

After the students left the school, the teachers had a small celebration in the lounge. Everybody was more relaxed than usual and it was great to interact with them in that different state of mind. That is how I learned about Professor Sprout’s passion for carnivorous plants and Professor Vector’s sharp but irresistible sense of humour. We all had dinner together in the evening, and then everybody retreated in their respective chambers to prepare the following days’ departure.

Severus and I had our ritual game of chess, which I lamentably lost once more because of my nervous anticipation of what Severus and I would do the following day. His lack of any comment on it confirmed my suspicions even more about some secret plans he had in mind and would inform me of in time. He went to bed first, but I chose to stay up a bit later than usual; I was very happy to be able to have a more cainite-like schedule for a change.

When I joined him in bed, later that night, I was surprised to find him wide awake. He welcomed me in his arms with a large smile and pressed me against his naked body with eagerness. His kisses were burning my lips like the hottest flames and were almost made clumsy by his feverishness. His body was intensely voracious for mine and he took me the very same way, moaning and groaning even louder than usual. My senses were completely on the edge after such a passionate moment, so I moaned with joy and relief when I felt his member retrieve a virile firmness inside of me as he started moving again.

He made love to me much slower this time, exploring each and every part of me with his fingertips, his hands, and his mouth, when he pulled out and brought our gestures to an even slower and intimate pace. I felt so connected to him at times that it filled my eyes with tears; he got a glimpse of them in the pale morning light and it seemed to hurt his feelings. I vaguely felt it in his mind and saw it very clearly in the worried frown he showed me. I quickly blinked my tears away, kissed his tense eyebrows and everything became happiness again.

I do not remember how many times he made love to me; sometimes, he was the sweetest possible lover, gentle, affectionate, and caring… sometimes, he was more assertive, almost irate and selfish, only to ask for forgiveness right after with renewed tenderness. I believed my pleasure to be stretched to its greatest possible extent many times before he finally held me close against him, ran an exhausted hand on my back and let me fall asleep against his chest, a blissful smile still curling up my lips next to his throat.

When I woke up, I felt that something had changed. Some things had changed, I should say, for I felt those things both outside and inside me. A first jolt of joy clutched my stomach; I remembered our fiery night together and smiled. I stretched an arm behind me, but Severus was not in bed. The clock on his night table told me that it was well past two; he was probably elsewhere in the castle or simply in his office.

I turned on my back, stretched lazily like an old cat, and looked at the ceiling. The room was still plunged in the dark; Severus had thoughtfully drawn the curtains. He never forgot to do it. I even felt the last remains of the kiss he had left on my lips, before he stepped out of the bed… just like he did each and every morning. As sleep vanished better and cleared my senses, I became more and more aware of what was happening to me, and began to understand at last what was causing that strange feeling that had welcomed my first waking moments.

I sat in the bed and looked around, still smiling. Severus was not there, as I thought. I called for him, but he did not answer. I smiled again; surely he was waiting for me somewhere and was about to tell me what he had in mind for us that evening. With increased anticipation, I joyfully got up and hastily put my robes on. I called for him again, but he did not seem to be in his office either.

I walked through his office and checked the lab; it was empty. We had bottled most of our potions the few evenings before, so there were practically no experiments running at that moment. I came back to his office, getting a bit worried about Severus’ whereabouts, and that is when I saw what I had missed, when I had walked in there a few minutes before. There was a small roll of parchment on his desk. I grabbed it and excitedly broke the seal.

The first thing that struck me was the apparently hurried way in which it had been written. The last letter Severus had given me was carefully and thoroughly planned; its writing style was regular, the parchment was devoid of any scratched-over words, and the message was concise, almost too coldly so. The letter I held in my hand had obviously been written in one shot: the lines were irregular and the way the handwriting was displayed, in addition to the placement of the words, made me conclude that he had often taken pauses while writing it. It was not like Severus to scratch over words and re-write a new one next to it. I understood the reason for this unusual behaviour when I acknowledged the content of the message. It hit me so hard that I thought I would just… cease to exist, right there, on his office floor.

Antanasia,

This letter probably finds you wondering where I am. I will not tell you that information, but I wanted to let you know that I have left Hogwarts with no intention of returning before the latest possible date (probably September 1st).

I have done a great deal of thinking over the last months. And given all that happened during those months… I have made a decision. I need some time on my own. I need some time away from you. This relationship… you and I… it is just not working, Antanasia. It cannot be. I am sorry to say so… and I wish I could explain better… but it just cannot be.

If you knew how much hatred… how much anger lies inside of me, you would have stayed away from me. I have been able to hold it back so far, to push it down and swallow it hard, but I just cannot live like that. I feel like it is slowly poisoning me and I will either lose my mind or simply destroy myself if I keep living this way.

I tried to tell you this many times, but it was difficult while we were both working together. I did not want the quality of our teaching or research work to be affected by a rupture. I chose this moment because it will both give us time to fully assimilate this. Therefore, I will not see you this summer unless it is absolutely necessary (e.g., the meetings we cannot afford to miss).

You can use the lab as you wish; my supplies are still at your disposal, of course. Please do not continue our research work unless you find genuine interest in it… an interest that is separate and distinct from what has now come to an end. Likewise, if you still want to work at Hogwarts as my assistant (which I strongly doubt), I will make no objection, as long as you can respect my decision and its consequences. The choice is up to you.

No matter how long I could explain… it all comes down to this, I guess. Being immortal is no excuse for spoiling your time with someone like me, Antanasia. Be reasonable. Go on with your afterlife. You will soon come, like I have, to the conclusion that what is happening today is for the best.

Severus

I think I must have reread it twice for his words to fully sink in… and three times more to chase the original numbness that they created. It was quickly replaced by the excruciating pain that tortured my heart but could not fully reach the fogginess of my soul. There was so little about me, even less about us in that letter! Everything that he did and did not say was about him: his hesitations, his dilemmas, his fears, his anger, his incapacity to prevent well-being from slipping through his fingers like a handful of sand!

The initial waves of emotion I really started to feel were made of anger. Firstly, he had sneaked out of his chambers without a warning, or a sound; he had run away like a thief, leaving me behind and knowing how much it would hurt me… but thinking only of himself and his own interests. Secondly, not once did the letter mention he had appreciated our time together. Not once did he mention the feelings he had for me. He made the whole thing sound as a coldly and rationally planned transaction at Gringotts!

I needed to smash something… anything! But the end of the school year and the house-elves’ work had left Severus’ office rigorously clean and devoid of anything I could throw or destroy. I turned to his armchair and saw him, sitting there as I had so often seen him on countless nights spent in his company… the first blow came out of my clutched fist before I even knew what I was doing. The second hit the back of the armchair with greater force… and was quickly followed by another one… and another one… until I unboundedly hit the armchair with both of my hands, screaming at the top of my lungs, and crippling his letter a little more with each blow.

I ran to the fireplace with the firm intention to burn it when I finally found something to throw across the room. In an outburst of rage, I grabbed the chessboard and smashed it against the fireplace with all my strength, taking an evil pleasure in breaking something I knew he valued… something that was a painful reminder of what had been us. The sound of the wood piece breaking apart with the force of the impact finally released the words I could not let out.

“I hate you, Severus!” I yelled. “I hate you! Why did you do this to me? Why, you bastard, why?”

I meant to throw his letter into the fireplace and light it up, but something made me stop in time. There it was again, that feeling, that sensation… it was something that I could not ignore anymore and it pained me even more when I finally let my mind fully acknowledge what it was. I instinctively pressed his letter against my heart, clumsily crouched and sat on the floor, while silent sobs made their way out of my mouth. My eyes were too frantically searching the emptiness in front of me for something to hold on to; they were painfully dry.

“This is not happening,” I wept through clenched teeth. “This cannot be happening!”

Turning to my right, already out of breath because of my nearly panic-stricken sobbing, I was violently startled when I saw a pair of feet standing barely two feet away from me. I looked up and saw a long white beard that could not be mistaken for anybody else’s.

“I thought I would find you here,” said Dumbledore, in a very soft tone, “and I took the liberty of coming in uninvited.”

“Did he tell you about his intentions?” I asked, not knowing what to think of his presence there.

“Not before this morning. He sent me an owl from Hogsmeade,” he explained,sitting in the armchair next to me, at the place I used to sit in. “I take it this is a surprise for you as well…”

“What did his letter say?”

“Not much,” he began, rather sadly. “He did not tell me where he is going, but said he would soon send me an owl that would find its way back to him should I need to communicate with him. He assured me that he would still be available should I need his assistance, but preferred to report to me personally in a place of his choice until his return. He said that he did not expect to be summoned to many meetings in the upcoming weeks anyway; that is usually what happens when the school term is over. He ended his letter specifying that you could use the lab and supplies as you wished.”

“He did not say anything about… why he did this to me?” I asked, feeling tears burning in my eyes at last.

“No… I regret. Still waters run deep, like they say…” he answered, his blue eyes devoid of their usual sparkles, in strange harmony with the venerable age the rest of his face revealed. “I guess there is no better way to describe Severus.”

“He… he grabbed my heart and snatched it out of my chest, Albus…” I articulated, crying openly as I felt his comforting hand on my shoulder. “How could he do this? After all this time… all we have been through… all the obstacles on our way, the pain we endured… the things we could finally build now that we found our way to each other at last! It has been such a long and trying journey! How could he savagely destroy all this in one morning, when last night he was still the wizard I knew and acted as if everything was normal?”

“It is ok to be upset, Antanasia… I understand. I understand how it feels…” he murmured, after a while.

He was trying to open his heart to me and, given what he knew and did not know yet, he was indeed understanding me the best he could… but his simple reply, though genuine and meant to comfort me, only made me feel misunderstood.

“No, no Albus!” I exclaimed, more aggressively than I wanted and riveting my eyes to his. “You do not understand!”

And giving in to a sudden impulse, I rose to my feet, unbuttoned a few buttons on the front of my robes, and then I took his hand in mine to put it against the skin of my lower abdomen. His hand was old and wrinkled, but the passing years had rendered its touch as soft as velvet on the inside; its warmth and calmness soothed a part of the impulsive anger I felt towards him. His eyes first twinkled alive when he received what I transmitted to his mind, but the dancing light quickly faded away when he fully grasped the implications of what I let him feel inside of me.

“I see,” he gravely said, taking my other hand and squeezing it in his.

~*~

AUTHOR’S NOTES
Comments and reviews are always appreciated and needed! I have noticed a drop in my number of hits (and reviews) since Tasia and Severus got together (chapter 16 - I forgive...)... are you guys getting bored or is the story too long or is it just summer kicking in...?

I am currently working on chapter 19, and I have good hopes that it will be posted next week. Thanks, so much, for your patience! :o)