Forgiveness

This chapter was beta'ed by Drusilla of Perfect Imagination.

Chapter 23

Zabini joined Severus and Joseph Pony most days for brewing. He was a dab hand at Potions, and had always been so as far back as Severus remembered. For some reason, the young man had decided on Defence as his field of expertise. He had studied three years in China before turning his attention to the embattled nations in Africa. Along the way, he and his wife had become Buddhists. Their religious practices fascinated Joseph Pony and the boy had even joined their morning meditations along with Miss DuPre. Severus noted certain serenity in the couples after their devotions and envied them their calm. He would never be able to believe in anything bigger than him, not after his Death Eater days. It seemed somehow dangerous for Severus to want what they had.

Pansy accompanied Severus to his weekly appointments with Dr. Nguyen. The girl was responding well to the acupuncture treatments physically and her depression seemed to be easing. Antonia was treating her psychosis with an array of Muggle medications and specialised potions that she had developed for use in mental patients during her time in Africa. Both of these treatments seemed less than effective, although the girl's screams no longer woke the compound most nights.

Zabini and Joseph Pony were late on this day, and Severus wondered what the two had been doing. The younger man seemed to like and respect Zabini. The aura of respect had extended to his relationship with Severus. The boy called Severus 'Dad' more often than 'Mr. Tuvock' now, and had come to him for advice on more than one occasion. The relationship between the Potions Master and the apprentice was still fragile, but the respect and affection was growing. Severus grimaced. He had never been one to dwell on maudlin sentiments, but it seemed he could not escape it while firmly ensconced within a family.

The door to the lab opened. "Damn, you're already here."

Joseph Pony's black eyes swept the room, before he shrugged and Levitated a small pine tree through the door, followed by Zabini.

Severus stepped away from the granite table. "Gentlemen, what is this?"

His apprentice smiled, his teeth flashing brightly in the early morning light. "We were gonna surprise you with a Christmas tree."

It was exactly a fortnight since Thanksgiving. Severus was aware of the American habit of decorating for Yule far in advance of the actual holiday. "It is too early to inflict those baubles on me. The tree will die."

Joseph Pony's ready smile faltered. Again, Severus was in the unenviable position of disappointing the boy. The Potions Master relaxed his stern demeanour. "Put it over there, out of the way. If it begins to shed you will have to take it elsewhere."

"It's all right, J. It just means he can help us water it." Zabini laughed as he slapped the boy on the back. "Severus, please step over and help us decorate it. My old professor is known for his love of decorating Christmas trees. He's a legend."

Severus quelled the desire to hex his former student as Joseph Pony turned a sceptical eye to Zabini. "Really? 'Cause we had to practically put him in a Body Bind when Nana asked him to decorate a tree for Christmas, he was runnin' away so fast."

"Oh, yes, he loves rose bushes too." Zabini's voice broke over the last impossible lie. "Sorry, Severus, but you are such a curmudgeon when it comes to Yule."

The two younger wizards set up the tree in an uncluttered corner of the lab, before Joseph Pony turned his attention to Severus. "Why is that? I thought everyone liked Christmas."

&*&*&

From the Diary of Blaise Zabini: Fourth Year

I don't know what happened with Professor Snape tonight, but it must have been bad. I've never seen him so angry, not even when Longbottom exploded his cauldron and it flew through the magical window. Professor Snape was at the Yule Ball and eyeing Professor Burbage--who would have thought that he had it in him? Even Draco noticed, the twat, when he wasn't trying to feel Pansy's breasts or ogle Granger. Damned Malfoy had asked Pansy to go to the dance before I got up the nerve to, and so I had to watch him dance with her all night while I tried to act happy with that twit, Daphne Greengrass. Anyway, one minute, Professor Snape was talking to Professor Dumbledore and then suddenly, he was gone.

I followed him to where I thought he might have gone, and he was there in Professor Sprout's rose garden, blasting the blooms off the magically-blooming roses. I think he saw me, but said nothing as he stalked back into the Great Hall, his expression still black.

The next morning I looked all over for him. I had a problem with the essay he assigned for Potions. I finally found him in his office, still in the dark mood he had been in the night before, but maybe not as bad. He was reading some Potions journal and taking notes.

I knocked, hating to disturb him. He's not the most approachable man when he's angry, but he answered in his usual way. "Enter."

"Sir, I was wondering..."

A look of pain crossed his face, only for an instant, but it lingered around his mouth and his eyes. "Out with it, Mr. Zabini. I am busy."

I ran through the problem I was having and he finally cut me off. "Oh, for Merlin's sake, boy, don't most students skive off at Yule?"

"I wouldn't know sir; Mother is Muslim and I'm not anything." He gave me that eyebrow move that he reserves mostly for Gryffindors and the hopelessly stupid. "I'm sorry to bother you, sir. I'll take my leave."

He pushed away from his desk and stood before a magicked window, his hands behind his back. "Mr. Zabini, the time to put your training to use will come soon. Do you believe you and Miss Bulstrode are ready?"

"Yes, sir," I answered; not at all sure I was up to spying on my House. "Sir, if I might ask... How do you know?"

I saw him rubbing his left arm with his other hand. Every Slytherin had seen that gesture at least once in their life from a family member or friend of the family. It was true then, Snape bore the Dark Mark as Draco had said. I looked away, unsure of what to say to a man who obviously had regrets about his actions. I suppose we all do. I still wish I could have been the one to kill my stepfather.

"We are entering dark times, Mr. Zabini." Snape said, his breath frosting the magical glass of the window. "You must prepare to make a choice which will affect the rest of your life."

As I watched his jaws work, I got the feeling that he wished to never have to say those words. I answered, "I've made my choice, sir... I am on your side."

Snape turned to me with an almost predatory gleam in his eye. "I shall expect you and Miss Bulstrode two evenings a week after term begins, we shall see just how prepared you both are. That will be all, Mr. Zabini."

I bowed and left, only later realising he had never answered my question about the Potions essay.

&*&*&

Antonia affixed the boutonnière onto Severus' lapel, a hint of a smile on her face. Severus was well aware that the woman and Mrs. Zabini had spent hours in conference with his daughter, who, by the way, would not let him see her gown before it was time to leave. He just hoped Antonia had chosen an age-appropriate dress for his daughter. He would not relish the idea of fending off young swains sure to gather around Stella while he attempted to chaperone the teeming masses of students at her school during the Christmas formal.

"Come on, Severus, it won't be so bad," Antonia said as she leaned up for a kiss.

After the most minimal contact, Severus broke away to straighten his tie. "Tell me again, why I volunteered to watch my daughter being ogled by spotted-skinned dunderheads? One would think I am being punished."

"You know why." Antonia adjusted the low-cut bodice of her gown, giving Severus a full view of her cleavage and more. "Stella asked you to. She wants to show you off, Severus."

He quirked his lips into his customary frown and began tying his hair back with the elastic band which Antonia had provided. He looked at himself sceptically in the mirror over his dresser. He should have never let Antonia pick his dress-robes. He felt like a ridiculous berk in the dark-blue velvet outer-robes and the floral brocade waistcoat. He looked as if he had stepped out of Malfoy's closet. All he needed to complete the image was a cane and angelic looks. Severus rolled his shoulders. Sometimes he did miss the poncy bastard and wished he could have contacted him before he left. No doubt Lucius was holed up in Malfoy Manor with his perfect wife and son trying to seize on stratagems that would allow him to take over the world. Surely he and Narcissa were out of Azkaban by now. A sudden longing to see his old friend struck him.

Antonia saw the scowl on his face and wrapped her shawl-covered arms around his waist. "Honey, you look great."

Severus picked up the orchid corsage he had purchased for her and pinned it to the strap of her soft-purple gown. If colour were in a potion, Severus could have identified the exact shade, and still not be able to put it into words. He supposed Lucius would have given the colour a name like lilac or lavender. Whatever the tone, she looked lovely. He whispered the sentiment in her ear and was satisfied to see the goose-bumps raised with the tickle of his breath on her skin. It made him feel powerful to know he had that instant an effect on his lover.

He lowered his lips to hers, drawing in her essence with each breath as she deepened the kiss with her lapping tongue and guttural sighs. They did not break contact until the door swung open and Joseph Pony stuck his head through the opening.

"Ew! Old people foreplay! Dad, Stella wants you to come out and see her now. Pansy has finished her hair." The last bit of the speech was said as Joseph Pony shielded his eyes from the apparent traumatising effects of seeing Severus in an amorous context.

Severus straightened his robes and eased away from the doctor. "We shall be there momentarily."

"Well, hurry up. We want pictures," Joseph Pony said as he left the room.

"Just think how bad it will be when we have kids," Antonia observed as she straightened her perfect hair.

Severus paused as if stricken dumb. The doctor turned to him in concern. "What is it, sweetheart? Are you in pain? Do you need Demerol?"

"You would... consider having my child?" His chest tightened in a mixture of anxiety and fluttering anticipation.

The doctor looked at him oddly, with her probing avian gaze. "Of course. Don't you want children?"

&*&*&

Severus and Lily walked the edged of the Forbidden Forest, a thing they had done every year since they had started school four years ago. Lily scanned the ground for likely potions ingredients and Severus watched the light play on her hair against the backdrop of the turning autumn foliage. He realised, too late, that Lily had asked him a question. "Sev, are you even listening to me?"

"'Course, I just got distracted by a noise. We're too close to the Forest," Severus stated to cover his embarrassing lapse of concentration. "What did you ask me?"

"How many children do you want? I want one or two," Lily answered, stopping to pick an odd-looking mushroom. "Useful or no?"

"Yes." Severus plucked it from her fingers and placed it in a compartment in their collection pouch. He liked that they could understand each other without too many words spoken. In his life, he had learned that words could be very dangerous.

Lily stopped as he strode onto the next likely spot. "Sev, you never answered my question."

"Aw, Lily." He turned back to her. "I dunno. A half-dozen maybe. I always wanted to be in a big family."

Perhaps if he were, his father would have someone else to pick at once in a while.

Lily laughed the sound like silver bells in the cool air. "Six! From one woman?"

Severus turned from her, not willing to let her see his longing as he said, "There is only one woman for me, to be sure."

"Sev, you're such a silly romantic." Lily caught up with him and took his hand, a gesture that meant less to her than it did to him. "Of course you'll have acres of women lining up to be with you. You're brilliant."

He led her to the next spot, content for the moment with her friendship, but one day, he would make her his own. Who needed acres of women when he was in the company of the only one he would ever want?

&*&*&

"Six," Severus heard himself say.

Antonia straightened her shoulders. "Well, we'll have to get right on that."

"I meant... It's almost six. We need to be on our way." He wanted to kick himself for the obvious lie. "I wouldn't want to burden you..." Antonia frowned and so he continued. "Parenthood would be acceptable with you?"

Antonia merely watched his verbal battle with himself before she said, "I love you, Severus."

"Bloody hell," Severus answered. "Antonia... I..."

Antonia held up her hand to silence him as her head tilted, her bird-bright eyes shining with mirth and something else which Severus could not define. "Do you want to know why?"

Severus pulled on his gloves, avoiding her sharp raptor's gaze. "Why do you think your obsession with me is love, Antonia?"

"Because you're you." She held out his cloak. "Now, let's go see the unveiling. Stella has been looking forward to it all day."

He followed Antonia, his tread both light and leaden as her words echoed in his head.

I love you... Because you're you.

Because you're you...

I love you...

Stella stood in the middle of the parlour, dressed in a red plaid gown that fell within Severus' idea of appropriate attire. Pansy stood behind the girl putting the finishing touches on the girl's hair as the older witch sang a breathy version of a nonsense song that had been popular with the students during fourth year. Madam Zabini's eyes lit expectantly as Severus approached. "Severus, your daughter is so beautiful. Say something."

Severus repressed a growl and instead, bowed to Stella. "You look lovely, my dear."

Stella approached him shyly, and with a hug, replied, "So do you, Daddy."

Pansy sniffed then began singing again, her voice high and sweet in the warm silence of the room.

Severus took both of his dates' hands. "Shall we?"

"Yeah, it's almost six," Antonia chirped. "We don't want to be late."

Joseph Pony consulted the mantle clock. "It's a quarter-past seven. I thought the dance started at eight."

Severus blushed as Antonia replied in mock consternation, "Oh, dear lord, how could it have gotten so late? It was almost six not even ten minutes ago."

"Shut it, my dear." Severus felt his cheeks heat as the incorrigible woman's laugh rang out in the room. Joseph Pony and Stella both shrugged at the obvious inside joke between the two adults. "Or I shall make you pay."

Antonia answered, he voice pitched low for his hearing only. "I look forward to it, Honey."

&*&*&

From the Diary of Blaise Zabini: Sixth Year.

I attended the Headmaster's funeral today. Bulstrode and I were the only Slytherins in attendance besides that waste of space, Slughorn. We stayed at the back, knowing our House was not exactly welcome.

You told us to expect changes in the future, we just never expected this.

Gods, sir. What were you thinking when you killed him? Was it for Draco as Greg said? I wish I could talk to you, but you're no doubt kissing the bastard's arse, trying to save Malfoy from death or worse.

Fuck. Good or bad, Millie and I have thrown our fate in with yours.

I woke last night from a dream about you. You told me all would be clear in the end, and to never doubt your teachings on the futility of locking ourselves away from the Muggle-borns of the world. I hope that's true. I don't now and never have believed in pure-blood supremacy. It smacks too much of Muggle colonial history and that Austrian fellow that followed Grindelwald's example. Perhaps if you, and mother separately, had never made me read all those Muggle histories, I wouldn't understand half so much, but I can't close my eyes to the fact that He-Who-Is-Inane is just another aspirant in a long line of tin-pot tyrants, both Muggle and wizard.

Could you really be following Him? Are you playing both ends towards the middle? Are you really on the side of the Order or your own? I just don't know. I wish you were here to reassure me, tell me what to do. I wish you hadn't killed the Headmaster. Not that I have any special feelings for him, (he never did anything for us Slytherins) but that action took you away from me.

Sir, since I know you'll never read this, I will finally say my thoughts. I wish you could have been my father. (No, I don't wish you dead. I know how Mother obtains her wealth.) I just wish things had been normal and I could have had you when I needed you. You would have never molested me. You have always been someone I could trust. At the risk of sounding like a maudlin Hufflepuff, or heaven forbid a bleeding heart Gryffindor, I admire you, as much as anyone can admire your prickly disposition and snarky ways. I hope one day I'll be able to let you know how much you've meant to me...

Shite. Now that I'm over blubbering like a baby, I'll pray to gods of this land, the spirits of my ancestors, hell, even to Allah and that Christian blood-god. I hope the best for you. Perhaps I'll see you, sir. Until then, take care.

&*&*&

It had taken exactly an hour of loud music, youthfully-frenetic gyrations and giggling introductions to most of Stella's female classmates for a headache to lodge at the base of Severus' skull. Antonia was occupied with the Principal of Stella's school, a woman in her late fifties that could have been a doppelganger of Minerva, without the tartan and the strained expression he had last seen on the Gryffindor Head's face. Severus decided to remain where he was, concealed almost innocuously behind a banner for something called the Pep Squad. Good lord, he hoped that organization was nothing like the Inquisitorial Squad. If so, he would be having a stern talk with the Headmistress of this academy quite soon.

Severus leaned back in his chair, feeling just as out of place and irritable as if he were at Hogwarts in an official capacity. He had decided on this vantage because he could see the entire dance floor, converted from the facility's gymnasium, and would know if Stella ever deigned to dance with the young man that had dogged her steps all evening. Stella had introduced him as Jerry Ben or Johnny Dwayne... Perhaps that had been the other tow-headed youth with which she seemed quite taken; the one who was even now, trying to avoid her.

A blessed lull came in the music just as Antonia returned from a trip to the discographer's booth. The dulcet tones of a song started with horns and then a soulful singer began crooning. Antonia pulled on his hand. "Come on, Severus, dance. It's Al Green. No one can resist him."

Severus noted with some disdain, the faculty members joining a small group of students who were moving to the music, feet shuffling, and bodies pressed together. He stood in a smooth motion, "Very well, my dear. I hope you can keep up."

Years of Malfoy's influence and tutelage came to the fore as he brought Antonia's body flush with his. During the course of the song, she followed his steps with ease, letting him guide her through the movements of the waltz with graceful fluidity. Severus found that he was enjoying himself and as the music spun on, he caught himself smiling down on his diminutive partner. She said over the music, "You should smile more often."

"I shall endeavour to do so." As the music came to an end, he gave a courtly bow and led her off the floor. "If you'll excuse me, I think I must now attempt to dance with my daughter."

He approached Stella as a more up-tempo song started. "May I have the next dance, Stella?"

The mass of twittering females surrounding his daughter parted, all with expressions of the sickening sentimental variety. Stella put her gloved hand in his and followed him to the dance floor. He led her through the steps of the dance they had practiced together. At the end of the song, Severus gave her the same courtly bow he had given Antonia and led her from the dance floor. He deposited her with her friends who were wearing nearly identical expressions of star-struck awe. As Severus moved away, he heard a girl say, rather too loudly, "Stella, your dad's hot."

Severus beat a hasty retreat as his face burned. He joined Antonia in his niche, still discommoded by the comment.

"What is it, Severus?" Antonia asked. "You look like something horrible happened."

She took his hand and Severus immediately felt more at ease. "I am, according to the little blonde baggage next to Stella, hot."

Antonia tittered. "Thank God, I was beginning to think I was the only one who would tell you. You're not considering younger women now that you know are you?"

"Insufferable bit of fluff," Severus answered, pulling her closer. Again he was struck by the words she had spoken earlier in the evening. "Antonia, I wanted to address what you told me earlier."

His doctor settled next to him, her expression unreadable, but relaxed. "You don't have to make a declaration just because I said something about how I feel for you."

"I feel the need to explain... my lack of response." Severus shifted. "I was... am... I have the deepest admiration and affection for you. I do not know if that translates to a kind of love, but I am willing to... "

"Hush, Severus." Antonia pulled away from him to peer into his eyes. "I don't know why you're so closed off, but you are. I don't need to hear words from you. Every time we make love, every time we fight and make up, even every time you make me laugh... I know how you feel. You show me daily. You don't need words to tell me. I've had the words, and believe me, they are overrated. Your actions tell me everything I need to know about you."

They both fell silent as Severus digested her words, more unsettled by her acceptance of his lack of response than he was by her protestations of love. "You deserve better than some broken man who may never be able sort through his emotions, Antonia."

"And you need to tell that inner voice to shut the hell up," Antonia snapped. "You know, the one who always tells you that you're not good-looking enough, smart enough or good enough to be happy? Whose voice is it, anyway?"


&*&*&

"Tobias Snape, Potter, Black, Lily Evans, the Old Fool-- take your pick, Severus, old man." Lucius' voice echoed through the dungeon classroom as he lounged in a student chair, his booted feet atop a desk. "You've got so many people telling you that you aren't good enough. When are you going to stop listening to them and listen to yourself? I don't know when you're going to stop paying for the sins you're trying to expiate, but someday, you'll have to quit running from who you are and accept that you are simply a man with feet of clay, just like the rest of us."

Severus paused, the vials in his hands clinking together in the silence. "Leave off, Lucius. You know nothing of what I've done."

"You're right, Severus. I am not a Death Eater. I have not taken part in the same acts you have. I have not turned my back on that same organisation to spy in its ranks. I did not endanger the life of an eleven-year-old Weasley to effect vengeance on a girl of twelve.” Lucius flicked his fingers in an impatient gesture. "I, my dear boy, am perfect, unlike you."

"You know nothing, Lucius," Severus reiterated. "Don't you have some Muggles to terrify for the Dark Lord?"

"Perhaps the Mudblood was right then, Sev." Lucius jerked his frame upright, his hair gleaming silver, his expression stone.

Severus pulled his wand and through gritted teeth said, "Don't use that disgusting term."

Lucius eyes widened in comprehension. "It was her... You wanted to save her, and when that didn't happen... Oh, Severus, we're not so far apart as I once thought. My apologies. Continue your self-flagellation; one day you'll find the futility in the gesture. I just hope it won't be too late."

Lucius bowed and strode from the room, leaving a shaken Severus in his wake. When had Lucius sodding Malfoy become sensitive?

&*&*&

Antonia shifted restively. "I'm going to keep telling you what I feel when I feel it, Severus. I hope that doesn't make you uncomfortable."

He slid his arm around her back in response, liking the feel of her shoulders under his palm.

Antonia smirked. "So, six kids, huh? At least I only have to give birth to four of them. You've got a good start on the first two."

"Shut it, Dance," Severus growled. "Lest I change my mind and want more."

"Whatever you say, Severus," Antonia answered with a laugh. "I've heard that a Potions Master in Belgium is working on a Male-Impregnation Potion for gay couples. Maybe we can contact him to be in the trials. I wouldn't want to leave you out of the joys of childbirth."

Severus laughed aloud, the sound ringing in the silence between songs. It was the first time he had done so in years. "You are quite impossible."

"I take that as a compliment, coming from you," Antonia answered. "You are the President of the land of Impossible, they held elections last week. I'm sorry you didn't get the notice in the mail."

Severus let himself relax into their light banter. Perhaps he could learn to love his doctor, but he would have to learn to accept himself first. He would speak with Joseph Pony about meeting with the shaman after Christmas. The boy had explained the process would be one of self-discovery. Severus knew he had castigated himself for so long that he would have to learn to live with what he was if he were going to share his life with the impossible woman at his side.

She moved against him and he longed to take her in his arms and show her just how she affected him. When they returned to the compound, he decided he would.

Author’s note: Just to let you know, the Al Green song I used as inspiration for the dance between Antonia and Severus was Let’s Stay Together, From Al Green’s Greatest Hits CD. If you don’t know the song, you should really listen to it. It’s the best love song ever.

Thanks for reading. Please review and let me know what you think.