Fire and Water

Hmmm, I took pity on you and decided to post 2 chappies today. Didn\'t want you left with that sad chapter all day. See how nice I am? Review!!!!



A/N: This chapter covers eighteen years, highlighting specific incidences that are featured in the books and looking at both Krystal and Remus at these times.



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Chapter Twenty Three



20 months later



‘So, where is he?’ Remus demanded, looking at James. The dark haired man laughed and he and Remus hugged quickly.

‘Sirius has got him. Lily and I have to fight to get a hold of him ourselves,’ he said, and Remus grinned.

‘How is Lily?’ he asked, as they moved up the stairs to the bedrooms.

‘Tired, but gorgeous,’ said James with a proud smile as he thought of his wife.



The door of the nursery was slightly ajar, and they could hear Sirius talking quietly. When they pushed it fully open, they heard him say, ‘And you call me when you want your first taste of Firewhiskey. I’ll look after you.’

‘Stop corrupting my son, Padfoot,’ said James, moving across the room to stand next to his friend. ‘Come on, give him up. Moony wants to meet the next generation of Marauder.’



Sirius turned around and grinned at Remus. ‘Hey, Moony,’ he greeted him with a proud smile. ‘Meet my godson.’

Remus laughed and walked towards his friends, looking down at the tiny, dark haired baby in Sirius’ arms.

‘Oh, I’m so sorry, Prongs,’ he said in a sympathetic voice. ‘He looks just like you.’



James punched him in the arm as they all laughed. ‘He has Lily’s eyes though,’ he said, tickling his son’s cheek to try and wake him up.

‘Don’t do that!’ exclaimed Sirius, turning so James couldn’t reach the baby. ‘I just got him to sleep. Here Moony, meet Harry Potter.’



He made to hand the baby over to Remus, but the man backed off. ‘No, I’ve never held a baby before…’ he began, but Sirius gave a snort of laughter.

‘And I had? Sit down, Moony. If I haven’t broken him, you won’t.’

‘You’d better not,’ came a female voice from the doorway, and a tired looking Lily Potter entered. ‘Do you know how long it took me to deliver him? Hi, Remus.’

‘Hi, Lily,’ he replied, as he sat down and Sirius handed him the baby.



He looked down at the baby and felt a strange mixture of emotions. He was very happy for his friends, but a feeling of loss snuck up on him. He would never be able to hold his own child in his arms like this.

His smile wavered a little, but when Lily ducked her head down next to his, he pushed the thought from his mind.



‘He’s beautiful, Lily,’ he said softly.

‘Yes, he is,’ she agreed, smiling at Harry. ‘But what comes out of him isn’t,’ she added, looking up at James. ‘And there’s a whole garbage bin full of it downstairs, still waiting to be taken out.’ She raised her eyebrow and gestured her head surreptitiously towards Remus.

James gave her a slight nod and jumped up, and moved to the door. ‘I’m on it, Lil,’ he said obediently, gesturing to Sirius. ‘Come and help me, Pads.’

Sirius groaned, and James added, ‘Duties of a godfather, mate. It’s not all sips of Firewhiskey and sneaking him into pubs.’

Lily looked annoyed, and Sirius quickly followed James out the door.



‘Sirius is taking his responsibilities seriously, I see,’ Remus joked, as Lily sat on the arm of the rocking chair, putting her arm around his shoulder.

‘I think he’s ready to settle down, you know,’ she said, stroking Harry’s cheek. ‘I guess he’s starting to realise he’s getting older, and that he’d like to grow up. House, wife, kids.’ She looked at Remus, who’s smile had disappeared with her words.

‘Remus,’ she said quietly. ‘He’s moving on. Don’t you think it’s time you did too?’



She felt his shoulders tense, and saw a muscle in his jaw jump. ‘She’s dead, Remus. You need to stop questioning it, stop searching for her,’ she said gently, frowning when he shook his head.

‘We’re worried about you, Remus,’ she nearly whispered. ‘It’s been nearly two years, you need to let her go.’

‘I can‘t, Lily,’ he said, looking down at Harry, feeling the sadness that he lived with every day now. ‘I just can’t. I don’t believe she’s dead. I think she’s hiding. I think whatever she got involved with became too much, and she had to get out.’



Lily shook her head. ‘You need to forget about her…’

‘Everyone keeps saying that, but no one tells me how to do it,’ he said a little angrily, feeling tears rising as his frustration and despair surfaced. ‘Don’t you think I’ve tried? She’s in my head, Lily. I can’t get her out.’

‘The memories will fade, Remus,’ she said, but he shook his head, tears falling now.

‘It’s more than memories,’ he said. ‘I can’t sleep because I see her every time I close my eyes. I can still feel her. I can still smell her.’ He impatiently wiped his tears away. ‘I can’t believe she’s dead, Lily.’



A tear ran down Lily’s face and Remus felt guilty for making her relive her grief. Krystal had been Lily’s best friend, and she had been devastated by her betrayal and disappearance.

She stood and walked over to look out the window, her arms crossed across her chest. ‘And what if she isn’t dead, Remus?’ she asked softly. ‘She still joined Voldemort; she still tried to kill us…..’

But he shook his head. ‘Come on, Lily. You’ve seen Krystal duel. She could’ve killed us all even without Snape helping her, if she’d wanted to.’



He stood up carefully, holding Harry tight to his chest. ‘She didn’t want to hurt us. I know she didn’t - I could see it on her face.’ He put the baby in the cot, and walked over to stand next to her.

‘But she did,’ Lily said, turning to face him. ‘She made a choice, she told me that, and she turned on us. Turned on you. And whether she’s dead or not, it’s been a long time, Remus. She’s not coming back.’



He closed his eyes, trying to block out her words. He’d spent the last twenty months searching for Krystal. He had tried to contact her parents, who Dumbledore had said left the country when they heard about what Krystal had done. But he’d been unable to track them down, and a year ago, he’d heard they’d been killed in a car accident in Europe.



He was a frequent visitor to Dumbledore, trying to get the man to reveal anything he knew about what had gone on, but he couldn’t, or wouldn’t, help him. He’d contacted the Ministry and tried to get them to help look for her, but they had listed her as dead, reluctant to help him anyway, viewing him with suspicion because of his affliction. Going to the Muggle police hadn’t helped either, not once they found out she was listed as dead. But he refused to give up, refused to accept she was dead.



Lily put her hand on his arm. ‘Sirius is taking James out tonight to celebrate. They really want you to go with them. Will you do that for them?’

He opened his mouth to refuse but she continued. ‘They’re still here, Remus. You need to spend some time with them; they miss you.’

He frowned, but she’d gotten through to him. He had become a hermit since Krystal disappeared. This was the first time he’d seen his friends in months.

‘Alright,’ he said reluctantly. ‘I’ll go.’ She smiled and kissed him on the cheek.



Later that night, Sirius was putting yet another Firewhiskey in front of him, saying, ‘Come on, Remus. You’ve turned into a lightweight.’ Remus laughed, and downed the drink, his sixth, in one gulp.

‘Don’t look now, Pads,’ said James in a low voice. ‘But that bird over there is giving you the eye.’

‘The blonde?’ asked Sirius hopefully, having noticed the two women earlier.

‘Yep,’ said James, before throwing his whiskey down his throat. ‘The brunette’s got her eye on Moony.’



Remus looked up, startled. ‘What?’ he said, turning in his seat, ignoring Sirius’ hiss not to look.

The two women were sitting at a nearby table and smiled at him. Remus felt his chest tighten for a moment: the brunette looked a little like Krystal. Her hair was a similar colour, and she had blue eyes, darker than Krystal’s though. She was a built like Krystal as well.

‘Interested, Moony?’ he heard James say, but missing the look his friends gave each other.

Before he could shake his head, Sirius spoke. ‘Let’s invite them over,’ he said, standing up and quickly moving over to the table, ignoring Remus‘ whispered instruction to stop.

‘Shit,’ said Remus, turning around and grabbing Sirius’ drink, quickly gulping the shot.



‘Alright, ladies,’ he heard Sirius say. ‘This is James, don’t bother with him, he’s disgustingly happy with his wife and baby. And this is Remus, who is very single, much like myself.’

‘Hello, Remus,’ said the brunette. ‘I’m Penny.’ He smiled at her, and she sat down very close to him.



Two hours later, a very drunk Remus was being pulled into a toilet stall by Penny, who was kissing him frantically. He ran his hands over her back then pushed her up against the locked door, pressing himself against her.

‘God, Remus,’ she moaned, as his mouth moved to her neck. ‘That feels good.’

He kissed her mouth again. ‘Don’t say anything,’ he said, his hand moving up and under her dress. ‘Just turn around.’



She smiled and turned, yanking down her knickers, and pulling up her skirt to reveal her very nice ass. He ran his hand over it, sliding it between her legs; the other fumbling with his fly, pushing his pants down far enough to free himself.

He moved closer, and felt himself sliding into the woman, thrusting hard and hearing her soft cry.



He could only see her hair, the dark brown almost the same colour as Krystal’s, and he tangled his hand in it.

As he thrust hard into Penny, he was seeing Krystal’s face, hearing her moans instead of the other woman’s as her body tightened around him; and it was ‘Krys’, he groaned out when he came.



When his shudders stopped, he felt Penny move away, pulling up her underwear. He had almost been able to believe it was Krystal he was with, and he started slightly when she turned around to face him.

‘That was nice,’ she said, with a small smile. He tried to smile back at her, but he suddenly felt sober and was ashamed of himself, like he’d cheated on Krystal.

Pulling his pants up, he tried to calm his fast beating heart.

‘Who’s Krys?’ she asked, pulling out a wand and casting a Cleansing spell on herself.



He sighed, running a hand over his eyes. ‘I’m sorry,’ he said, sinking onto the closed toilet behind him and putting his head in his hands. ‘She….she’s my girlfriend.’

He stopped and shook his head. ‘She was my girlfriend. She…..died almost two years ago. I haven’t been with anyone since and ….’

She put her hand on his shoulder. ‘It’s alright, Remus,’ she said. ‘It’s not like I’m looking to get married or anything. It was just a quickie with a nice looking guy that made me hot.’

He let out a breath of laughter, and felt her kiss the top of his head. ‘I’m sorry about your girlfriend,’ she whispered to him, before she opened the door and left the bathroom.



For the first time since the night he and Sirius wept together, Remus felt his control slipping. He’d never voiced those words before - that Krystal had died, instead of disappeared. His eyes burned with tears and he ran his hands through his hair, pulling on it. He let the tears fall as he realised Lily was right. Even if he never accepted Krystal was dead, he had to try to move on. Because she wasn’t coming back.





15 months later



‘It can’t be true, Albus,’ she said, her eyes full of tears. ‘They can’t be dead.’ Dumbledore took her hands, kneeling in front of her.

‘I’m so very sorry, Krystal,’ he said, his own eyes watering. ‘There is no mistake.’ She stood up, nearly knocking him over.

‘I don’t believe Sirius would do that…’ she began, but he interrupted her.

‘He was the Secret Keeper, Krystal. I know that for a fact. He was a spy for Voldemort.’



He didn’t tell her that they had all believed Remus to be the spy - not Sirius. He had fallen into such a despair since she’d left; still, nearly three years later, refusing to accept that she was dead, withdrawing from everyone. They had all thought he had turned, offering information about the Order to the Dark Lord in exchange for information on what had happened to Krystal. But he had been wrong. It was Sirius who had betrayed his friends.



Krystal shook her head, and felt the tears coming, fighting them. Albus watched her with concern. It had been nearly three years since Krystal ‘died’, but she still didn’t remember any of it. After he had told her friends, told Remus, that she was dead, he had returned to the house, only to find when she awoke that she had blocked what had happened from her memory. Her mind had protected her: she didn’t remember any of it.



He had lied to her then, when she asked why she was here, and told her she was in a safe house as she was being hunted.

She’d fought him, insisting on going back to fight, on contacting Remus, but he had convinced her she would put her friends in danger, and that argument, ironically, was the only one that worked.

Her mind only allowed one memory to come through, her unconscious pulling the image from her brain at night, causing her to wake sweaty and shaking, with no understanding of why she kept dreaming of bright red blood on her hands.



‘Remus,’ she asked eventually, turning back to Albus. ‘Is he alright? He must be devastated.’

Her chest hurt as she thought of him being left alone. ‘First his parents died, now James and Lily and Peter. And Sirius in Azkaban. How is he?’

It had broken her heart not to be able to go back to him when his father died a year ago from ill health, his mother passing soon after.

Albus sighed, and sat on the couch. ‘He is coping. Not well at times, but he is strong. He will….overcome this,’ he said heavily.

He looked at her carefully, seeing her red rimmed eyes change. ‘Lord Voldemort is gone for now Krystal, but he will be back. And he has many supporters still at large. It would still be too dangerous to reveal yourself to Remus.’



The light that had made her eyes hopeful died, and she nodded. ‘I suppose I knew that, I guess I just hoped….’

She shook her head. ‘He’s gotten on with his life. I don’t want to disrupt it again. Is he…is he happy?’ she asked, not sure if she wanted to know if he’d met someone else. Dumbledore sighed again and stood. He didn’t want to lie to her anymore. ‘No. He’s not happy, Krystal. But he is trying.’



She was a little startled by his words, and was quiet for a minute. ‘And Harry?’ she asked eventually, concern in her eyes. ‘What will happen to him now?’ She stepped forward, hopeful.

‘He could come here. No one knows him here, he would be safe.’

But Albus shook his head and said,’ No. He has gone to live with Lily’s sister and her husband.’



Krystal gaped at him, her face twisting in disbelief. ‘Petunia?’ she said incredulously. ‘You left him with Petunia? Albus, she’s a lunatic! She hates our world, she hated Lily. How could you leave him with her?’

‘I will explain one day, but not today,’ he said, walking towards her and putting his hand on her arm.

‘For now, I must get back. Are you going to be alright?’ he asked, concerned that this news may be a catalyst for something - exactly what, he wasn’t sure.

She gave him a grim smile. ‘I‘ll be fine, I suppose.’ He frowned then hugged her goodbye, apparating back to Hogwarts.



‘How is she?’ a voice said as soon as he walked into his office.

‘She is upset naturally,’ Albus replied, hanging his coat up. ‘And she wants to come back.’

Severus frowned. ‘She can’t come back….’ he began, but Dumbledore interrupted him. ‘I have told her that,’ he said softly. ‘I believe she understands, but…..’

He sighed, moving to the window and looking out at the darkening sky. ‘I think she’ll fight us harder this time. Now that Lily, James and Peter are dead, and Sirius is in Azkaban, Remus has no one left, and she is frantic about how he is coping with all of this.’

He turned to look at Severus with a worried frown. ‘I am concerned that this news may stimulate her mind; return some of the memories. I want you to go and see her.’



Severus looked a little shocked. ‘Me?’ he said. ‘Why me?’

‘Because you are her friend,’ said Dumbledore. ‘She may grieve easier with someone she knows has also lost a loved one in all this.‘

Severus clenched his jaw and his expression became pained, but Albus continued. ‘She will argue with you about coming back; she will fight you in a way she will not with me. She needs to hear someone else tell her all the reasons she cannot return and she needs to believe them. Tread carefully though, Severus. I do not want her memories returning without being able to prepare her. I don’t believe her mind could stand it.’



Severus sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. He felt his own guilt for what had happened to Krystal, wondering if he could have done things differently. And his sorrow over the loss of Lily was enormous, weighing him down. Seeing Krystal again now, for the first time in years, may not only be her undoing, but his. But he nodded, opening his eyes and, looking at an understanding Dumbledore, said, ‘I’ll go tomorrow.’



That night, for the first time, Krystal saw their faces in her dreams. James, Lily and Sirius. She saw them yelling, she saw them screaming in pain. The startling imagery woke her abruptly, but not before the familiar sight of herself with blood on her hands, flashed across her mind.



The next day, she apparated to the nearest wizarding hospital, approaching the counter. ‘I have an appointment to see one of your memory retrieval wizards,’ she said.





12 years later



Remus locked the door behind him and took a shaky breath. ‘This was a mistake,’ he said to himself as he pulled off his robes and threw himself onto his bed. ‘A massive mistake.’



At Albus’ insistence, he had returned to Hogwarts as a teacher - DADA teacher to be accurate. He frowned.

‘This would have been Krystal’s job,’ he thought, remembering how much she was looking forward to taking the position.

He sighed and rolled onto his side. It was a little ironic: he had developed his love of defence through Krystal: she had been so enthusiastic about it. And now the job that was to be hers, was his.



He closed his eyes as memories flooded through him of their time together at Hogwarts, stopping himself when he remembered how she used to sneak in and out of his bed, and what they used to do there all night.



Feeling his body stirring, he tried to think about something else, and his mind fell on the man he had seen again tonight for the first time in around fifteen years - Severus Snape. His anger rose as the man’s face floated through his brain. It had been almost impossible for him to sit next to the man tonight and not wrap his hands around his throat. He had always felt the man goaded Krystal into hurting him and their friends, that he’d coerced her into joining Voldemorts’ Death Eaters.



Remus gritted his teeth. He didn’t know how the man had convinced Dumbledore he had changed, but he could never forgive him for what he made Krystal do. Conflicted, he rubbed at his face. Severus was, on Dumbledore’s orders, making him a potion to help his transformations. It was a fairly new discovery - allowing him to keep his own mind at the full moon, a harmless wolf rather than a monster. Trying to be grateful was hard, knowing what the man was; what he’d helped Krystal do.



Over the last decade and a half, he had tried to move past what had happened, although he had never succeeded in getting over his first love, in accepting that she was dead. He still wanted to believe she was alive, that she was in hiding; but that was almost worse, thinking she was out there somewhere, able to come back to him but choosing not to.



Shaking his head, he crawled under the covers, his thoughts moving to Sirius. His old friend had escaped from Azkaban prison, and it was thought he would be coming after Harry. Remus still had trouble accepting that Sirius had betrayed James and Lily, that he had turned to Voldemort too, but he never thought Krystal could either. But she did; they both did. That fact was undeniable.



Sirius was one reason Dumbledore wanted him at Hogwarts this year; to help protect James and Lily’s son. He sighed. Sirius had gone to a dark place for a while after Krystal died. They both had: Sirius was the only other person who could really understand how much Remus was suffering - having loved Krystal himself. But Sirius was able to pull himself out, largely thanks to being named Harry’s godfather, and Remus found it impossible to see Sirius hurting Harry.



He smiled as he remembered seeing Harry for the first time since he was a few weeks old. Even as a baby, he’d looked like James, but now, he was thirteen and the resemblance was uncanny; the only difference being his eyes. He had his mother’s eyes. His own eyes narrowed as he recalled the scar on Harry’s head; the scar Lord Voldemort gave him when he tried to kill him; when he killed his parents.



Remus yawned, and closed his eyes. There was nothing he could do tonight about any of the thoughts in his head, and at the moment, he was too weary to care. His last thought before he fell into slumber was how much he hoped tomorrow would be the day he woke up and didn’t reach across his bed for Krystal.







2 years later



‘Hey, Moony!’ the familiar voice said as he opened the door. Remus smiled.

‘Hello, Padfoot,’ he said, and drew his friend into a hug. Sirius was thin, very thin, and ragged looking - nothing like the good looking boy he used to know.

‘Come in, Sirius,’ he said, pulling him into his sparse, rundown house. Sirius looked around.

‘Better than Azkaban but not much,’ he commented, looking at Remus, who smiled grimly.

‘Well, people willing to employ a werewolf are few and far between,’ he said, mildly, putting the kettle on.



Sirius looked at his friend and was shocked by his appearance. He seemed older than his years, his face lined and his hair greying.

‘Why didn’t you keep the cottage?’ he asked, then kicked himself for reminding him. ‘Too many memories,’ Remus said, putting a cup of tea in front of Sirius. ‘Anyway, it belonged to Krystal’s family really. Not me.’

Remus had offered the cottage to Dumbledore, who was one of the last of Krystal’s family, the week after Krystal disappeared. He couldn’t face going back to it. Albus had insisted on buying it off him, allowing Remus to buy this old house to live in.



He sat down and looked at Sirius. ‘How’s Harry?’ he asked, knowing the boy must be devastated. He had witnessed a friends’ death yesterday, and seen the Dark Lord return. ‘He must be terrified.’

Sirius nodded. ‘Yeah, he’s pretty upset, but he wants to fight back. He’s very much like James.’ The pride in his voice was obvious.

The two friends talked for a while longer, before they separated, Remus to his bedroom, having made up the couch for Sirius.



Sirius’ innocence had been discovered by Harry and his friends a year ago, but unfortunately, he was still on the run. Remus shook his head as he thought of Peter Pettigrew, their friend at school, the man who had turned against them and sold James and Lily to the dark side, setting up Sirius in the process and taking 12 years of his life away.



‘Why do I find it so easy to hate Peter, yet not Krystal,’ he wondered, thinking of her betrayal. Maybe because he’d loved her so very much; maybe because he had always believed there was more to her disloyalty, especially now that Sirius’ innocence had been discovered. Could there be a chance that Krystal wasn’t guilty of betraying them either? He shook his head. It had been nearly sixteen years, and he swore he could still smell her on his skin. The shampoo she used, the perfume she wore, the scent of her arousal that still drove him crazy.



Clenching his eyes tight as he felt his own arousal grow, he tried not to remember the feel of her under him, the feel of her around him. In all these years, there had only been one other woman: a quick, drunken fuck in a toilet stall one night with a woman who looked enough like Krystal that he could pretend it was her. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to find someone else, he just couldn’t find anyone who made him feel anything like he’d felt with her. Werewolves mated for life, only finding another partner upon the death of the first and he supposed the wolf in him, like the human, had yet to accept that his mate was really gone.



He sighed. His mind just wouldn’t be shifted tonight. He yanked down his pants and quickly stroked himself, his fantasies, as always, featuring Krystal. After a few minutes, he reached for his wand to clean up, as usual feeling depressed that he couldn’t move on; that he had to pull memories from his past to get any satisfaction. Throwing his wand back onto his side table, he rolled over, trying to think about other things.



His mind shifted with great effort back to Sirius. They were going to have to reform the Order of the Phoenix to fight Voldemort. Sirius looked weak, beaten. He hoped his friend was up for the battle.

‘I hope I am,’ he thought, knowing that years of misery and pain had also worn him down.



****

Several days later, on the other side of the world, Dumbledore was trying to convince Krystal to accept his offer.

‘You are not the same person you were then, Krystal,’ he argued, trying to get her to look at him. ‘I trust you completely, and I will tell you everything you need to know to help Harry, but I need you closer. I need you to come back. I need you to join the Order.’



She finally turned to look at him, her bright blue eyes frightened. ‘What if I am seen?’ she asked.

‘We will give the cottage all the protection available to us,’ he said, misunderstanding her. ‘The Death Eaters, Voldemort - they all believe you are dead. They will not search for you.’

She shook her head. ‘I meant, what if Remus sees me? Or Sirius?’ she said softly. ‘They are both members of the Order; what if they find out about me? It has been a long time; Remus has moved on with his life; I don’t want to bring up all those memories again.’



She felt an ache in her chest thinking about Remus. She tried not to let herself remember him too often. It hurt too much still. Albus took her hand.

‘He has not been near the cottage since the day after you disappeared. He and Sirius are the only ones left who would associate it with you, and there is no reason to think either of them would go there suddenly after all this time.’



Krystal considered what Albus had asked her to do. To go back home, to leave the life she had made in Australia, to begin to use her gifts again; when the time came, to help Harry - Lily’s son.



She had been living almost as a Muggle for the last sixteen years, and she didn’t even know if she could produce wandless magic anymore; or if she even had the strength to fight anymore.

‘Krystal, please,’ Albus said, still holding her hand. ‘Lily’s son needs you.’

She closed her eyes and shook her head. ‘He’s not above emotional blackmail then,’ she thought resentfully.

She sighed, knowing that she was about to make a decision that could force her to confront everything she had done all over again.



‘Alright, I’ll do it - on one condition. I don’t want my association with the Order to be known to anyone. Just you and Sev, yes? I will be your best kept secret.’

Her cousin nodded and stood. ‘Thank you, Krystal,’ he said softly. ‘I know that can’t have been an easy decision. But I think it’s a good one. You are stronger now. You are able to start to live again.’

She stood as well and let out a tiny laugh. ‘Albus,’ she said, giving him a hug. ‘You knew what I was going to do from the moment you walked in here.’ He put his arms around her, squeezing her gently, then breaking free of her embrace.

‘Yes, I knew you‘d choose to come back,’ he smiled, looking down at her. ‘Because it’s time. And because you are not a coward.’



She packed a few things, and prepared the house for her departure. Albus had said she wasn’t a coward, and until now, she hadn’t thought she was. But she was definitely thinking that running and hiding looked like a great option right now. ‘They won’t know,’ she thought to herself. ‘He promised he wouldn’t tell them.’



Krystal had finally remembered everything about that night, and recalling those memories had lost her six months of her life, spent comatose in a mental ward. It had been a long, hard road to recovery, one which had nearly cost Krystal her life as well as her mind. But she’d been living with what she had done for over ten years now, and had developed ways to cope, and begin to accept responsibility.



She sighed and zipped up her bag, looking around the room one last time as she heard the pop of Albus returning for her. It was time to go back.





18 months later



Remus was feeling resentful about Dumbledore’s mission for him. He had been sent to live with werewolves, his own kind, to try and gather support against Voldemort. But he was not having any luck.



He sighed and looked into the fire. He was eating at the Weasleys house tonight, and there was a lot of chatter around him. Turning his cup in his hands, his thoughts strayed to Harry. Dumbledore was giving him private lessons, but wouldn’t tell anyone in the Order what they were about. He frowned.

‘Sirius would have insisted on being told,’ he thought, his chest aching at the memory of his friend. He’d been killed six months ago, but the pain of his passing still lingered, striking him every so often.



His mind turned to the other friends he’d lost. James and Lily, Harry’s parents. Killed by Voldemort. And then there was Krystal. He swallowed hard, taking a gulp of wine to try and rid himself of the lump in his throat. It had been over seventeen years now since he’d last seen her, but the pain was as fresh as if it had happened yesterday. As she came into his mind yet again, something else pushed it’s way in as well.



Nymphadora Tonks. A young Auror who had joined the Order last year had told him recently that she had feelings for him, that she thought she was in love with him. Remus frowned and moved uncomfortably in his seat. Tonks was very attractive, completely different to Krystal in looks, but similar in personality. She was strong, independent and cheerful. So why couldn’t he bring himself to love her back?



He saw Molly Weasley heading his way, and decided to call it a night. The woman had been pressuring him to give Tonks a chance. Remus kept making excuses: he was too old for her; too poor; too dangerous, but both woman refused to listen. He stood, seeing Bill Weasley staring at him. The young man and he had become friends over the last year, and he was remarkably intuitive.



‘Leaving Remus?’ he asked, standing as well. ‘I’ll walk you out.’

Remus sighed, knowing he was going to get another Weasley talking to about Tonks. The two men walked out onto the porch, Bill speaking immediately.

‘So who was she?’ he asked, startling Remus.

‘Sorry?’ he said, frowning at the man.

‘The woman you’re still pining for,’ he answered, walking down the stairs. ‘Don’t tell me there isn’t one. There is no other good reason for you to not want Tonks. Unless you don’t like women at all.’

Suddenly, Remus wanted to tell him everything, to share his confusion with someone. They stood in the semi darkness and Remus talked for half an hour, telling him all about Krystal, from the start until now. Bill listened, and then stared up at the sky, thinking.



‘You still don’t believe she’s dead?’ he asked, now realising why he’d never seen Remus with a woman. The older man shook his head.

‘No. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just still hoping she’s not; maybe I’m just still in denial,’ he answered. ’I think I’ve lost perspective over the years.’

‘Do you still love her?’ he asked, looking at his friend.

‘Yes. No. I don’t know,’ said Remus, feeling a burn in his chest. ‘I still love the girl I knew…’ he began, but Bill interrupted him.

‘But she’s not that girl anymore is she?’ he said, with a small smile. ‘If she’s alive, she hasn’t returned in seventeen years. Are you the same person you were seventeen years ago?’

Remus stared at him. ‘No. I’m not,’ he said, understanding what Bill was trying to say. He was in love with someone who didn’t exist anymore. Maybe everyone was right. Maybe it was time to finally let go and let someone else in his heart.





5 months later



Remus shook as he came inside the body of the woman under him, his breath escaping in pants. He fell onto her and lay there, trying to suppress the emotion that had surfaced, tightly squeezing his eyes closed. The last thing he wanted was to let her see how rattled he was.

‘That was worth waiting for,’ she said a few minutes later, before kissing him enthusiastically on the lips. He smiled down at her and moved to lay beside her.

‘I’m so happy you decided to give us a chance, Remus,’ Tonks said, kissing his chest.

He mumbled into her bright pink hair, ‘Time to let go.’

What?’ she said, looking up at him.

‘I’m happy too,’ he said, thinking it wasn’t untrue.



He had grown to care for Tonks over the past few weeks, and it was in the last few days he had finally opened himself up to the possibility of a future with her. She had proposed to him this morning, and he’d accepted today before they ended up in bed. The first time in sixteen years he’d been inside a woman.

He closed his eyes. It had been damn quick, but at least he’d been able to make sure she’d enjoyed it. He frowned. He’d refused her request that he go down on her, though. Tonks had been disappointed, but accepted his explanation that he believed it was too intimate an act for the first time together.



The truth was that he wasn’t ready for that with someone else - it had been after he used he and Krystal were together like that for the first time that he’d realised he was in love with her. The act had too many memories associated with it still. He sighed. Who was he kidding? He and Krystal had learnt about sex together - everything reminded him of her, which was a big part of the reason he had never felt much of a need for sex over all these years, preferring self gratification over the flood of memories sex released. And lying here next to a young, beautiful woman nearly two decades after Krystal had disappeared, he still felt as though he was being unfaithful to his first love.



‘Stop it!’ he told himself irritably. If Krystal was alive, she’d probably moved on with her life, found someone else. His heart hurt when he thought about her with someone else; someone else kissing her, touching her. He felt physically ill when he thought that she could make love to another man the way she did to him; tell someone else that she loved him. He hadn’t told Tonks that he loved her…Did he love her? Maybe. He’d opened up enough to have sex with her, which had been a big step. Perhaps what he felt wasn’t the all consuming love he’d had with Krystal, but it was comfortable and secure. And Tonks loved him.

‘It feels good to be loved again,’ he thought, even though he felt guilty that he didn’t feel the same way.



As he felt her falling asleep, he thought about the events of the last couple of days. Dumbledore had been killed - by Severus Snape. He closed his eyes as he remembered the Headmaster’s funeral that day. Harry had been grief stricken, but determined. He had told Remus that Dumbledore had set him a task, and that he had to follow the path he had set for him.

Albus had left Remus a letter, explaining that Harry would be departing his family’s home in the next few days to stay with an unknown Order member for several weeks. Remus had been disturbed when Minerva McGonagall gave him the letter she‘d found in Dumbledore‘s office. It almost seemed like the old man had known something like this would happen. He wasn’t very comfortable with Harry going who knows where with a stranger, but the letter had been very definite - Remus was not to tell anyone of these plans, only telling them that he was checking on Harry and he was fine.

‘Trust me, Remus, this one last time,’ he read at the end of the letter, puzzled by the ambiguous words. ‘Soon you will know why I did everything the way I did, and I hope you will understand and forgive me.’



He got carefully out of bed as another puzzling moment came to mind. At Dumbledore’s funeral, there had been lots of people, many of whom he didn’t know. But they were all sitting in a group alongside his tomb, except for one person. He hadn’t seen the face of the shadowy figure, hiding amongst the trees, but had felt a feeling of familiarity come over him before he or she had disappeared into the forest.



He’d wandered down after the funeral, but he didn’t see anyone. The thing that disturbed him was the smell. It was a slight fragrance still lingering that made his heart race. It was coconut, similar to the smell of Krystal‘s hair - the shampoo she used. Tonks couldn’t smell it, when she came looking for him, and he wasn’t completely sure he hadn’t imagined it.



Moving quietly, he left the room and found his pants, feeling in the pocket. His fingers closed around what he was searching for, and he pulled it out of his pants. He ran his fingers over the heart charm, as he had done almost every day for over seventeen years. He’d carried this with him all that time, but maybe now, it was finally time to put it away.





That same night



Krystal was curled up on the couch in her house, eyes red and sore from crying. She already missed Albus, but she felt sure that, even though he’d never confirmed it, he had been in complete control of his end. She knew that Severus had been loyal to Dumbledore, he had been ever since Lily had been killed, and she didn’t blame him for her cousin’s death.



She’d been unable to resist attending the funeral, feeling sure she wouldn’t be seen where she stood. But she hadn’t counted on Remus’ intuition. He had looked directly at her, and had moved towards her hiding spot as soon as the funeral ended. She’d only just hidden when he stepped into the woods.

Tears filled her eyes again when she remembered the pink haired woman (girl?) who’d followed him, who had kissed him on the lips.

‘I am glad he’s happy. I want him to be happy,’ she muttered to herself, trying to stem her tears, control her jealousy. She forced herself to think of other things.



Harry. His face rose into her mind. She would be collecting him in a day or two. She was nervous, she had seen him from afar, but never close up. She’d heard he looked a lot like James. Biting her lip, she forced herself to stand up and walk to her bedroom. She changed some things in here, not able to stand sleeping alone in the same bed in which she’d made love to Remus. She crawled into bed and lay there, her foot twitching nervously as her mind raced.



Now Albus was dead, there was a very good chance that she would have to reveal herself to the Order. Albus had kept his word: only one person knew she was still alive now, and that was Severus Snape. He had kept in contact with her over the last year and now was the only contact between her and the Order, although, now they all thought he was a traitor.



Albus had left her a letter saying that he’d had to tell someone that Harry was being moved, and that Remus was the logical choice, being so close to Harry and someone the Order trusted completely. He didn’t tell Remus where Harry was going, or who he would be with; only that he was to trust Dumbledore and not ask questions. He was told if Harry needed help, a Patronus would be sent with a message from ‘an old friend’ giving him their location.

The thought of this made Krystal edgy. She’d hoped, in the eventuality that they needed assistance, she would have been able to send a message, then disapparate once help arrived, but it was pointless now.



In Seventh Year, Krystal and Remus practiced the Patronus charm, finally after several weeks, producing a corporeal Patronus. Remus’ was a wolf, unsurprisingly, but what had surprised them was Krystal’s Patronus - also a wolf - smaller than Remus‘. It looked like a female. They watched as the misty wolves frolicked together, nipping at each other playfully.

‘See,‘ he’d said, kissing her. ‘Even our Patronus’ are a perfect match.‘



Anyone could be using the cottage - as far as anyone knew Dumbledore owned it now; he could allow anyone to stay there. Revealing it as the safe house would not necessarily give her away. But Remus knew her Patronus - the only person alive who did. Her secret would be out the second he saw it. And she wasn’t positive that Albus didn’t know that when he organised this. Krystal frowned, telling herself to stop it.



She had come a long way over the last eighteen years. It had taken her years, and a lot of confrontation, but she had finally stopped punishing herself for what she had done, eventually began to forgive herself for making a terrible decision. The emotional scars had begun to slowly mend, her mind finally healing itself, although the scars over her body were permanent evidence of how she’d tried to distract herself from the mental anguish with physical pain.



Krystal still shuddered when she remembered what had happened all those years ago. And she did remember now, having blocked it out for a long time. She knew she’d made a bad decision now, but that, at the time, she hadn’t seen any other choice. The time was coming that she would have to explain that choice to Remus; to Harry, but not tonight. She rolled over and closed her eyes, willing sleep to take her. What would come, would come. And there nothing she could do to stop it.



A/N: And there I will leave you until tomorrow - unless I get some smokin\' reviews. Ta ta!