Never Piss Off a House-Elf

Chapter 24: Dealing with Rita ~-- Hermione-style


"Severus, apparate us back to the manor for a bit. I need to get a few things before we head to Rita's," Hermione said, her voice icy with anger. "I want to be prepared. She's behind this, and I am going to make her come clean with it."


Severus regarded her for a moment before he reached for her, pulling her close. She tried to struggle, but his grip was iron. He looked down at her, scowling for a moment. She'd led him on, letting him think she'd fill him in about her plan, but she'd told him nothing beyond the fact that they were taking care of it immediately.


"Don't do anything illegal, Hermione. A sentence in Azkaban won't negate the marriage pact," Severus said, his eyes hard. "Whatever you do, Skeeter will try to spin it to her advantage."


"I'm aware. Don't worry, what I have planned is legal and effective. Now let's go," Hermione said, stamping her foot impatiently. She was already closer than she really wanted to be.


Severus scowled at Hermione one last time before they apparated back to the manor. Hermione told him to stay outside while she got something. After fifteen minutes of rather impatient waiting, Severus was climbing through the door when Hermione came barreling out of the large house. She bowled right into him and they landed in a heap in the yard.


Hermione brushed her hair back out of her eyes and stared at Severus, whom she was sitting on. His face was red and his hair was a worse mess than her own. His robes were tangled around the two of them and his breathing was labored. Hermione was panting as she tried to extricate herself from the strange bonds. She squirmed and felt him rise beneath her, and she blushed at the contact.


"Stop squirming. It will only serve to make this situation more uncomfortable," Severus hissed. He managed to free his own arms and placed his hands on her waist, neatly lifting her off of himself. He was panting with exertion himself, and he stayed on his back for a moment, recovering. He looked at Hermione. "Must you rush around like a mad hippogriff all the time? By the gods, Hermione, you're going to charge into the middle of something and no-one will be there to save you."


"Severus, you have no idea what you're talking about. I have fought alongside Ron and Harry for ages. I have experience. This is an accident," Hermione said haughtily.


"As is our betrothal. As I was saying, you need to keep your head up and eyes open while slowing your feet," Severus continued, and Hermione glowered at him. "And now you do look like an enraged hippogriff. Are you ready to leave?"


Hermione nodded, moving closer to Severus unconsciously. He automatically gathered her in his arms.


"Are you going to tell me what you have planned?"


"No. Enraged hippogriffs don't share secrets."


"Witch."


POP!

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Hermione and Severus had apparated to the front of the Daily Wizard, both fuming. Hermione at Severus for his words and Rita for. . . well, being Rita was all it took. Severus was fuming at Hermione, mostly, because she was being reckless, even if her future actions had that green tinge he so craved.


"Severus, you have a choice: you may come inside with me, or I can leave you out here while I handle the dirty work," Hermione said, looking up at Severus with her hand over her eyes to protect them from the last of the sunlight.


"Well, I don't know what you plan to do, so I have to go in. Someone has to keep you out of trouble," Severus groused, and Hermione laughed, really laughed, for the first time that day. "What?"


"All those years when you must have been going out of your mind trying to see why I stuck by Ron and Harry, and you're saying to me what I used to tell myself. Severus, you've spent too much time with me ~-- you're turning into me," Hermione laughed, holding her stomach. After a few moments, her expression turned thoughtful.


"Galleon for your thoughts?" Severus asked. "I so amused you and now you've gone silent on me."


"The expression is 'penny for your thoughts', though I believe her it might be 'knut for your thoughts'," Hermione interjected, not really answering his question.


"The expression on your face says your thoughts are worth more, Hermione," Severus remarked, but he dropped the subject. "Shall we, Hermione?"


Hermione took Severus's hand and led the way.


"We shall. And Rita won't know what hit her!"

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The staff of the Daily Wizard could see Hermione was on a rampage, and they well knew of her disdain for the muckraking reporter. Rita Skeeter had hated Hermione form the moment she first laid eyes on the muggle-born witch, and no-one could really put a finger on exactly why. As Severus watched all the male eyes and a few female eyes follow Hermione in all her righteously indignant glory striding across the room, he instantly knew why.


Hermione, even in her anger and after a long day, had more to offer physically than Rita Skeeter ever had. For those less inclined to physical charms, Hermione's brain was n even greater attraction. On top of that, she had the added celebrity of being the estrogen of the Golden Trio. Skeeter had seen Hermione's potential in an odd way, and she was punishing the girl for it, trying to push her down and rise up herself.


"Foolish woman," Severus murmured to himself, and Hermione glared at him. "Not you, Hermione. Skeeter. I wouldn't pick such a fight with you, and I was your instructor."


That brought it home again for Severus. Hermione was furious, but he knew they had to tread carefully. He'd been her instructor for years, and while the Marriage Law overlooked that, the public, especially parents of schoolchildren, wouldn't. If they stepped wrong, things could blow up in their faces.


When they reached Skeeter's office, Hermione blew the door open with her wand, strode inside with Severus in tow, and slammed the door shut, blasting it with locking and silencing wards. She turned to the reporter who was smart enough to show fear at their arrival.


"Rita, I'd like to talk with about your latest headline. We can do this the easy way, the hard way, or my way. Think about that for a moment. Ah, no need for foolish wand waving here," Hermione said, neatly grabbing the older witch's wand off the desk. "Besides, a good witch knows better than to leave her wand out for capture. Time for a few lessons, then."


Rita had kept her mouth shut, but she knew she had only a small window of opportunity to change Hermione's mind. Rita grabbed two expanding chair from a cubby behind her desk and set them in front of her desk without words. The last time Hermione had been this angry with Rita, Rita had spent a rather long period of time as a beetle.


That won't happen again, Rita thought to herself, trying to portray fear and not her overweening arrogance. There are no other multi-morphs in my family. . . Granger is not going to get anything from this little show.


Severus smirked at the woman. She liked to believe that she was smarter and wittier than those around her, but she always missed key information.


Like the fact that she was in the same room as the most talented Legilimens in the world.


"Miss Skeeter," Severus began, his and Hermione's assumptions proved, but Rita sneered at him.


"Ms. Skeeter, Professor," she hissed. Severus buffed his nails on the front of his robes as he casually sat down. The situation was turning, and Rita wasn't sure where it was going.


"Yes, Rita, we're well-aware that you aren't married, nor are you engaged. Are you a bit jealous?" Hermione said from her seat. "Have a seat, Rita, and tell me what option you've chosen."


Rita sat behind her desk, and looked at Hermione. She was just opening her mouth when Hermione opened her own.


"Look at that. Time's up," Hermione said in a cold voice. She pointed her wand at an old, empty cup on Rita's desk. It cleaned itself and was filled with water almost instantly. Hermione grabbed it and dumped a clear potion into it. Severus's eyes bulged for a moment, but he knew that a wee bit of trust had to be exercised. "Drink up, Rita. We all know that muckraking can be quite a thirst-building exercise."


Rita eyed the cup warily. "Granger, you know Veritaserum is illegal unless ordered by the Ministry or an emergency. You don't want to go to Azkaban, do you? You'd still have to marry and conceive, and you wouldn't get those marks you so desire."


"Rita, for me to go to Azkaban, I would have to have put a traceable Veritaserum in your drink. Now drink it before I make you drink it," Hermione said, her wand raised. "Would you like to feel my improved spell for making people do as I wish? Untraceable as well. But if you so desire to be a guinea pig ~-- niffler, excuse me, I know you can't understand what a guinea pig is ~-- then why should I stop you?"


Rita grabbed the cup and drained it, her eyes bulging. She felt a strange tickling in the pit of her stomach. Her face turned ashen, and she turned to Hermione.


"There's a good girl. Now, did you have a source for the story you wrote?" Hermione asked, and Rita shook her head quickly. "Don't try to lie to me. It will hurt if you do. And I want a verbal answer to every question I ask. Now, I ask again: did you have a source, or an anonymous source?"


"No. No outside source," Rita mumbled. Hermione narrowed her eyes at the reporter, who spoke up in a louder voice. "I had no outside sources."


"Did you use your animagus form to track me?"


Rita had to fight not to smirk. Hermione only knew about her beetle form, so. . .


"No."


"Let me rephrase the question, Skeeter: did you use an animagus form to track me?"


Rita glowered at Hermione. So, the witch had an idea before she came here. It would have been so much easier just to say that one of her friends had stopped by to drop off the tip. She panicked and fear took hold as she saw Hermione's wand raise.


"YES! I have another form ~-- a mosquito! I thought no-one would find out because I'm the only multi-morph in my family!" Rita blurted. Her fear was causing her heart to beat louder and louder in her chest. "I waited until I found you in the alley and I transformed and got a group of real mosquitoes gathered around me!"


Hermione set her jaw and glared at the older witch. Then she laughed.


"Thank you, this will make a wonderful pensieve to share with our friends. And to hold on to in case of further issues. I wonder if the Ministry knows you have another unregistered animagus form."


Severus let out the breath he'd been holding. Rita sat in the chair, gripped by fear. Hermione crossed her arms over her chest.


"You wouldn't. . . " Rita breathed, and Hermione smirked.


"Blackmail is a muggle crime, not a magical one, Rita. Print one more word that besmirches my or my fiancé's reputation, and I give it to the Ministry," Hermione said, turning and unwarding the door. "Shall we, Severus?"


"You would do well to print a retraction of your statement. I don't think that Hermione will take well to seeing it everywhere," Severus said, following his fiancée out of the offices.


They apparated back to the Manor, and Severus grabbed her hand as they walked up the stairs.


"Hermione, even if a potion is untraceable, Skeeter will be able to use a pensieve to charge you," Severus said, though he was terribly proud of her accomplishments. "Veritaserum is punishable ~-- and harshly."


"Good thing I didn't use veritaserum then, isn't it?" Hermione said as she stepped through the door into the house.


"What did you use?"


"Paranoia Potion. She feared that I'd use veritaserum on her, and the Paranoia Potion made her think I did. Honestly, Severus, d'you think I'd actually commit a crime, even knowing I wouldn't get caught?" Hermione snorted.


"Yes. You certainly did it plenty when you were an underclassmen," Severus muttered under his breath.


'I heard that!" Hermione called from inside the house.


"Good. That means you aren't old and deaf!" Severus yelled back to her.


"Unlike you!" Hermione called, and from the sound of it, she was calling from her bedroom. "Damn it! Where's my Potions Quarterly!"


The takeover had begun.