Triumph Out of the Bitter Taste of Ashes

My profound apologies to everyone. I let my temper get the better of me, and posted the rant in the heat of the moment. It was inappropriate of me. I really should have expected some heat from that chapter and prepared myself mentally for it. Unfortunately, while I\'d love to say I\'m immune, I had a very immediate response and lashed back out. I\'m sorry to have drawn everyone else into it. And YIKES, really sorry about the multiple postings!

I also have to say I\'m literally blown away by the outpouring of support. You all are absolutely *terrific*! Due to the incredible number of responses I can\'t respond to each and every review individually, but there are a few that I feel it necessary to do so.

Bess -- Muchly appreciated, thank you. : ) I was serious about wanting better links if you know of them. What I could find on my search was abysmal for technical stuff.
Lully -- Very good point! : ) I\'ll have to see if I can work that in. It is definitely a viable option on the \'heir\' issue. OoO! And I even just thought of a way to bring it to his mind! eeee! I\'m a happy camper now. Thanks!!!
Vicki -- shame on that person, whoever they were. I muchly appreciate you taking the time write a review despite past bad experiences. : )
Deb -- Yes, that part of Hermione will play a part in her decision, no guarantees that it will necessarily make her go one way or the other, but it will be part of her thought process.
Dama -- I thought you expressed yourself very well, and I thank you for much needed support. : ) (personally, I usually spell very well, but there are words out there that trip me up *every single time*. I bless dictionaries -- I have two beside my chair at all times -- and spell check for that very reason! LOL)
Deblovesdragon -- Yes, the Snape/Hermione situation is just beginning to creep into him. Their interactions will increase in the next chapters -- from a surprising angle, at least I think so.
Rilla -- Ummm, no I didn\'t get it. When I saw this review, I even went back and checked to see if i just missed it. I got several private reviews this time around, but it seems yours didn\'t get through. :(
Everyone else, bless you all! : )
Morgana -- Yes, you\'re right about the length of time. Hermione, however, isn\'t sure how late it\'s allowed, just that she\'s sure it\'s allowed past the point she is, due to her previous experience with her friend. : ) Thanks!


My everlasting thanks go out to Gill, who has helped tremendously with the technical aspects of the English Health Care system -- about which I knew absolutely nothing. Gill not only helped me with the proper terms and processes, but turned me to a couple of UK sites that helped immensely as well. : )

AN: The first part of this chapter remains the same. The changes begin when she reaches the Leaky Cauldron.

Important Disclaimer: The site Hermione finds \'live help\' at is fictional. It is not intended to portray, or mimic, any site out there. Any similarities are purely coincidental and not intended. It\'s also not a site I\'d want to go to for help in Hermione\'s situation, as it has a *very* clear bias, and is cleverly designed to appear just the thing someone needs.

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Chapter Twenty Three
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Hermione wasn\'t surprised at the sadness she felt when most of the students left for winbreabreak. This time around she was staying at Hogwarts over the break and it was only natural to feel left out, she supposed. It felt so odd being left behind. What surprised her was the amount of relief she felt overlaying the sadness. It was as if some solid weight had been lifted from her shoulders.

She pulled her cloak more tightly around her as the chill December air cut through the material almost as if it wasn\'t there, and hurried along the path to Hogsmeade. She may not be going home, but unbeknownst to any of the professors she *was* going to muggle London. She had options available in the muggle world that, evidently, weren\'t available in the magical. For something like this, that truly surprised her, burprirprise or not, she was going to find out exactly what they were, and whether or not she was going to avail herself of them.

She knew that abortions were legal farther along than she was; though she wasn\'t sure *how* much farther along. A neighbor girl, one she\'d associated with off and on through the years since she\'d received her letter to Hogwarts, had gotten an abortion when she was a full 4 1/2 months along. Two years ago, that had been, and Hermione had almost researched the subject. She hadn\'t followed through on it, however, her schoolwork and other personal projects taking precedence. Now, she wished she had.

If she had, this decision now would be easier. She didn\'t want this child; she didn\'t even want to carry it. It was perpetual reminder of what had happened, and it was becoming increasingly difficult to simply ignore it, to pretend it wasn\'t happening. For the last three days, she\'d begun to feel butterfly like flutters, and she could associate them with nothing but the growing baby. Each and every one nauseated her, and she knew that wasn\'t a good thing.

//What happened to wishing for some kind of visible proof of your ordeal?//

Tears stung her eyes as she recalled that day in the infirmary. *This* hadn\'t been what she\'d meant. A child was *supposed* to be a loving miracle, not something that brought terror filled nightmares, and huge regrets. A child deserved to be loved and protected, not hated.


//Be careful what you wish for,// floated through her mind.

A choked sob escaped Hermione. Try as she might to reconcile herself to the situation, she couldn\'t stop the growing dislike she felt toward the *parasite* growing inside her. She hated herself for it, but there it was. She didn\'t see it as anything but a hindrance, a hateful reminder of a hateful man. She hurried through the snow, shaking herself out of her thoughts. She would think about it when she had to, not a moment sooner, she told herself firmly.

All in all, it didn\'t take her long to reach the Leaky Cauldron, and a few moments after that, she was stepping out into muggle London. From there, she made a beeline for the phone booth. As much as she hated to be predictable, the only place in London she was sure of getting internet access was the library.

When she\'d made the decision a week ago to check out her muggle options, she\'d decided against going to her family\'s doctor. As much as she trusted Dr. McPhearson, it would simply be too humiliating. She wanted impersonal. She needed it.

The sounds of muggle London didn\'t really penetrate her preoccupation, nor did the hustling crowds around her as she first checked the map, then quickly and quietly made her way to the library. The bus ride was spent staring out the window, trying to keep her mind carefully blank.

She knew already that she would need two doctors to say she could have the abortion. That wasn\'t going to be easy, considering she had already excluded her family doctor. She\'d already made an appointment with a local family planning clinic; It was for tomorrow. Hopefully, they would be able to recommend a secondary place she could go to.

Forcing herself to let nothing of her turmoil show, Hermione took a deep breath as she climbed the front stairs of the enormous library building. Normally she would have loved to take the time to look around her, explore. She\'d never been to the London Library. But this time, she stopped only at the information desk, and then headed straight for the bank of computers made available for patron\'s usage.

Taking a deep breath, she opened a browser and typed in the URL to her favorite search engine. With a quick, covert look behind her, she typed in the subject heading \'abortion\', and of course found herself staring at a page of links.

She followed the first link. Well, other than being very interesting on a purely intellectual level, it really didn\'t help her. It seemed to center mostly on legal history -- most of that from The States. Though, she did learn that abortion was possible quite a bit farther along than she was, which was a step, she supposed. What she needed now were links that helped her where she was, not thousands of kilometers away. She checked site after site and discovered, much to her relief, that she would be able to do this *without* her parents knowing. She remembered well, their reaction when they discovered she was helping a friend. She didn\'t want them to *ever* know.

Caught up in searching, her frustration for more than pretty words growing, Hermione was tempted to give up on finding what she wanted online. She didn\'t want platitudes, legal jargon, or \'morality\' based lectures. What she wanted was cold, hard, facts. She had spent her life depending on such things, and right now she felt completely lost without them. She hesitated going to the books available at the library, however. Knowing it took time to get a book published, and *then* more time to make its way to a library collection, kept her from believing information of this type would be up to date.

She almost growled as she clicked the next link. **Must be the 30th one!** she griped silently. **More of the same!** she realized as she carefully worked her way through the information provided. She was about to move to the next site when a tiny graphic caught her attention.

Live Help

And below it, a single line of commentary.

Need help making this difficult decision? Click here for live caring help and honest answers to your questions.

Breathing out a sigh of relief, and a silent, but heartfelt, \'yes!\' Hermione clicked the link.

Finally feeling like she was getting somewhere, Hermione negotiated her way through the log in process, and subsequently the mundane greetings.

**Seems nice,** Hermione thought; though, she could have done without the smiley faces the person added to their greeting . . . considering.

It was the work of only minutes before Hermione\'s situation wxplaxplained, the \'advisor\' asking how far along she was, how old she was, what she had done so far in regard to her \'situation\'. Hermione told her, leaving out, for now, the fact of her rape. Since it wasn\'t necessary for anyone to know that to get what she wanted, she decided to keep it to herself. It wasn\'t something she wanted anyone to know -- not even some anonymous someone who didn\'t even know who she was.

It was after the question that Hermione\'s jaw dropped, outrage pouring through her. She knew damn well, how *developed* the *spawn* inside her was. She\'d seen enough pictures in her search to know all too well.

\"You\'ve let it go far too long. It\'s selfish of you to vacillate until the child itself is actually a baby. So many people want children, and you\'ll keep yourself from becoming a baby killer if you carry it, and then give it to a couple who really want it.\"

Fingers trembling, fury consuming her, Hermione typed something she\'d never said aloud.

\"Sod off! You know *nothing* of my situation!\"

The response back was quick.

\"You are confused and angry, obviously, not to recognize the miracle gift the child you carry is. Let those older and wiser help you understand.\"

**Of all the idiotic, pedantic, *patronizing*--** Hermione\'s thoughts went blank. She couldn\'t think of anything bad enough to think about the so-called advisor. This was *so* not what she needed right now! Without thought, the sudden driving need to defend herself foremost in her mind, Hermione typed her response.

\"I was brutally tortured and raped! What do you know of *confusion*! Try putting yourself in my position!\"

She hit enter, momentary satisfaction flowing through her that maybe she induced guilt in the other person for their actions. Immediately afterward, however, a flush of guilt rushed through her. That had been petty.

**Not like the idiot didn\'t deserve it!** she thought rebelliously, shifting uncomfortably. The response, however, drove all thoughts of sympathy aside.

\"Here\'s a link, child. It\'ll show you what will happen. Take a good look before you can\'t change your mind!\"

\"No,\" she typed back, \"I don\'t think I will. In fact, I don\'t want anything more from you.\"

Hermione began to rise from her chair, directing the mouse to close out the dialogue box. Before she could do so, however, a new page popped up, a picture -- a series of horrifying photos.

**That *can\'t* be right!** Hermione thought frantically, swallowing against the bile rising in her throat. **So much blood!** Shaking from head to toe, Hermione quickly shut down the page. She *never* wanted to see *anything* like that ever again.

What she was left with was the dialogue box with one additional message from the \'advisor\'.

\"It\'s not the baby\'s fault. Punish the perpetrator, not the innocent child!!\"

Hermione stifled an incoherent scream. Anger, fear, confusion, all coursing through her, she didn\'t bother shutting down individual windows; she turned the computer off. Launching herself awkwardly from the chair, she rushed out of the building, half-blinded by tears.

Thanking everything that was dear to her, Hermione reached the bus stop just as the very bus she needed pulled to a halt. She climbed on board, payed, and quickly made her way to a seat. Sighing, she closed her eyes, wanting to shut everything out. Her thoughts wanting the exact opposite kept flashing to the grotesquely graphic photos she\'d seen, the final words written in the dialogue box flitting through her mind over and over.

**It\'s not *fair*!!** she thought angrily. Torn in two, one side of her disagreeing vehemently that what she carried deserved *any* thought at all, the other part of her feeling guilty that she was even considering doing this, let alone intending to follow through. She\'d been so sure before; now, she was utterly lost again, wondering if maybe the person might have actually been right. Was she being selfish?

Her hands tightening into fists, she couldn\'t help but think back on the events of the previous evening, the ones that helped her come to terms with the decision she\'d made.

She\'d been down in the potions lab with Professor Snape. Much to her continued surprise, being around the man ca her her. Considering he remained pretty much his usual snarky self, that was puzzling; though, she did have to admit that most of the outright insults had stopped outside the classroom, which was quite a relief. They had worked in silence most of the time, the quiet interspersed with his sharp comments only every once in a while.

~~~~~ The silence had gone on for longer than normal as Hermione prepared the ingredients for the potion that Professor Snape was currently working on when she paused, glancing over at the professor. \"Would you abort it?\" she asked suddenly, not knowing, really, what possessed her to do so. Surely such a question would provoke the disdainful insults that had been curiously absent.

Professor Snape stiffened and turned to stare at her, his expression stern but unreadable. She shifted uncomfortably under his intense gaze, dropping her eyes to the floor. \"Rather a moot point,\" he ied ied finally, \"wouldn\'t you say?\"

\"No actually,\" she denied, looking back up at him. \"The muggles can safely abort until at least a full four months. I-- I\'m not sure how long after that.\"

Surprise flitted across the dour potions professor\'s face. \"Really?\" he asked, almost seeming interested.

\"So,\" she repeated, \"would you?\"

The scowl returned. \"I do not think it my place to advise you on this, Miss Granger. I--\"

\"I\'m not asking you to advise me,\" Hermione interrupted, flinching just a touch when Professor Snape\'s scowl deepened, his mouth tightening into an unforgiving line. \"I\'m asking what you would do, in my place. I\'ll make up my own mind.\"

His eyes thoughtful, Snape\'s expression changed several times before he answered her. \"No one really knows what they would do in any situation until they\'ve been there, Miss Granger,\" he said finally.

\"Oh stuff the sophistry!\" Hermione exclaimed angrily. \"What do you *think* you would do?\"

Slamming the vial he held onto the workbench between them, starting when it shattered, Snape\'s scowl became an angry glare. He sighed before speaking, however, his expression relaxing a bit. \"I most likely would, Miss Granger,\" he said with a weary sigh. Then, with a flick of his wand and a murmured spell to clean up the mess he\'d made, he turned away.

Biting her lip thoughtfully, Hermione nodded -- though, he couldn\'t see that, she knew. \"Thank you,\" she said softly as she slipped out the door.~~~~~

She jerked herself out of her thoughts as the bus stopped. It was her stop, she realized with a start and hurriedly got off. As soon as the bus pulled away, she ran. Trying to leave everything unsettling behind she ran blindly. Past the crowds, tears once again streaming down her face, wishing fervently that she hadn\'t missed most of the term, she ran. If she hadn\'t, she would be able to apparate -- license be damned --- directly to the gates of Hogwarts and she would be that much closer to sanctuary, to home.

It took her entirely too long to reach the Leaky Cauldron. Once she did, however, she breathed a sigh of relief. Just stepping inside made her feel she was closer. She didn\'t stop long enough to analyze that thought, but gave nothing more than a quick nod to Tom as she made her way to the hidden entrance to Diagon Alley.

At least now, the tears had stopped, the nausea abated, and her thoughts had receded to a manageable level. She still didn\'t know what she was going to do, but she still had time to make that decision. Right now, she couldn\'t seem to feel anything.

**Almost home,** she thought as she stepped through the now open wall. She didn\'t hear the secret entrance close behind her, her entire being focused on getting back to Hogwarts.


TBC
Kiristeen
Feedback: It\'s the food of the muses. : )
Kiristeen@kiristeen.com


AN: I hope this comes out far more clearly about Hermione\'s wants and desires, as well as more believable as a whole.